Things that don't happen in Missouri

Saturday we did the movie crawl thing. I think we saw three great movies. The guys didn't seem to like Constant Gardener, but I thought it was a great action/political thriller over the backdrop of a beautiful love story. Grizzly Man was a cross between tragedy and comedy, and beautifully put together. If it wasn't surrounding a death it would have been like a true Life Aquatic. Junebug was absolutely beautiful. Even the men were touched. Not plot-driven at all, but the characters were so well developed. Great film.

The highlight, however, was walking between theaters and encountering a movie set. P had mentioned it before because he noticed that all the cars were from another era and the streets were blocked off. Turned out to be the set of The Pursuit of Happyness. We watched them take half an hour to do a five second cut of cars driving down a street, then make the cars all back up to do it all again. The most interesting part, however, was watching Will Smith (looking like a young Jesse Jackson) walking off the main drag to sit in a director's chair. Yeah...when was the last time you saw that in the Ozarks?

Sunday we went to the chocolate festival fundraiser for Project Open Hand. Back home, fundraisers are based on the charity they support. Out here, they are based on the event sponsor. For example, we went to Ghirardelli's chocolate festival, but back home it would have been something like the Make-A-Wish cake walk. Perhaps if we had a famous chocolate factory :) or anything really famous for that matter. Other than the Assemblies of God world headquarters, of course. It would have been such an amazing event to help plan, but my guess is that they hired event planners rather than having staff do it. Who knows, though. I'm jealous of the staff if this was their baby. None of my events had that large of a scope.

The sun and the beautiful day and the beautiful city got to us and we spent the afternoon getting all sappy and appreciating friendship and fun and San Francisco. It was wonderful. Honestly, I've been so lucky since I moved here to meet such great people. Granted, I had to meet a lot of duds first, but when I struck gold I really hit it. Such a lucky girl.

We walked to the Hyde Street Pier searching for the Tales of the City marker that may not even exist (i meant it when I called it an obsession) and met Cole. Cole should definitely be classified as one of this cities treasures. He's a very good-looking man somewhere between 30 and 45 (he had sunglasses and a hat on) who patrols the pier in his wheelchairr informing tourists of the history of the area. What really got my attention was his description of Levi Plaza. One of the things he finds fascinating about the place is that if you look at the bricks you can tell the story of that area. He spoke of how some bricks were laid by people who really loved their work and put effort into it, and others were done rather shoddily. He talked of how some were of the finest materials, and others were just whatever crap could fill the space. He told us how you could see the water lines on some of the walls. Really very fascinating. I'm a dork, I acknowledge that, but I'm a dork in love with every aspect of this beautiful city. Cole inspired so much more of that in me. A truly remarkable random meeting.

He also introduced us to Stretch, the pier cat. :)

On the way to In and Out, we passed a sunglasses stand selling designer knock offs. I finally found the solution to my need for different stylish sunglasses for every outfit even though I lose each pair I buy. For 20 bucks I got three great pairs of sunglasses that won't make me sad if I lose them. And they all look like they should have cost much more. I'm a happy girl. What's really fun, though, is hearing the tourists comment on how these must be stolen to be so cheap when the shop actually calls itself "Designer Knock Offs". I'm so thankful to be a local.

On to Pier 39. I never go down to this area, so I just wanted to stop and see the sea lions. P and I were standing by the railing eating our burgers when all of a sudden I felt this horribly heavy thing drop on my head. I screamed, of course, and when I stood back up realized that a seagull had dive bombed me and taken part of my hamburger bun. The stupid thing damn near gave me a concussion. After the shock wore off a bit, I started cracking up, along with every tourist in the vicinity. Not 30 seconds later, because I hadn't quite recovered enough to hide my burger, another one did the exact same thing. This one got P a bit more than me, though. Damn seagulls. I know where I'll be doing target practice should I decide to take up the hobby again out here. Fuckers.

Back home, blue jays have been known to kills cats that get too close, and once in awhile they'll attack a human. But our rodents of the sky, crows, aren't nearly as bad as these seagulls. No bird as a big as a seagull should be allowed to fly into a human head. Perhaps next time I should bring arsenic burgers.

Okay, that was mean. Of course I'd never do it. Although I'm not so sure that someone else shouldn't. :)

You Must Watch

The Flight That Fought Back

on Discovery Channel

One of my first San Francisco discoveries

Frank Chu

A mini celebration of my recent obsession with Tales of the City

A home in San Francisco:
upon being invited to move to NYC with the man of her dreams, Mary Ann asks what's wrong with her. The reply:

"Nothing, Babycakes. you're just tired of running away from home."

On the modern fairy tale:

How long had she waited for this smile, these eyes, this strong, simple spirit that had come to her in a world marred by greed and anxiety and computer dating? And how long, dear God, would it last?

"I think he likes me. Help me figure out what's wrong with him."

A dating tip for men:

"The next time you meet a girl--someone that you really like--pretend that you're a war hero and that all your basic plumbing got shot off in the war."
"What?"
"I'm perfectly serious, dear. Don't tell a soul--especially her, for heaven's sake--but pretend to yourself that this dreadful thing has happeend and the only way you can communicate your feelings is through your eyes, your heart."
"And what if she wants to go home with me?"
"You can't, dear. You've lost your ww-ww, remember? All you can do is smile bravely and invite her to dinner the next night--or maybe a nice walk in the park. She'll accept, too. I promise she will."
Brian took a long drag on the joint. "So how long...?" He exhaled in midsentence, making sure he maintained an expression of amused tolerance. "How long am I supposed to keep pretending?"
"As long as possible. Until she asks you."
"Asks me what?"
"If you were wounded in the war, of course!"
"And what do I tell her?"
:The truth, dear. That everything's intact. It'll be a lovely surprise for her."
He folded his arms across his chest and smiled at her.
"And," she said, raising her forefinger, "you'll have a nice surprise too."
"What?"
"You'll know the poor dear, Brian. And you might even like her by then."

All from More Tales of the City

Movie Crawl

Okay, kiddos...for those of you in San Francisco, you really need to come out for this one. I've actually gotten around to planning an event. For REAL.

Monika's Movie Crawl

humanity

I've avoided writing about Katrina because I can't handle the guilt I feel over not being able to be closer to help more. I've been told by people back home that some of the local churches are going down in groups to bring people back to family, friends, or previously unknown host families to live and be cared for until things settle down. I never would have imagined it would reach quite that far.

I have, however, encountered others' writings that are worth your time.

First of all...my chosen method of support: Katrina Kids Relief

a letter from New Orleans

a message from the region

a concise representation of so many of our thoughts

Fantasy Killers

"The thing that bugs me," said Brian, "is that you never really know what women are like...not for a long time, anyway. They only show you what they want you to see."

Michael nodded. "So you fantasize over all the wrong things."

"Yeah."

"Christ! That happens to me all the time," said michael. "I meet some person...male-type...at a bar or the baths, and he seems really...what I want. A nice mustache, Levi's, a starched khaki army shirt...strong...Somebody you could take back [home] and they'd never know the difference.

"Then you go home with him to his house on Upper Market, and you try like hell not to go to the bathroom, because the bathroom is the giveaway, the fantasy-killer...."

Brian looked confused.

"It's the bathroom cabinet," Michael explained. "Face creams and shampoos for days. And on the top of the toilet tank they've all always got one of those goddamn little gold pedestals full of colored soap balls!"

~Tales of the City

Cynicism

Not my own, but that of a character. Perhaps it's true in the latest of my relationships, though.

"Nobody's happy. What's happy? Happiness is over when the lights come on."
~Tales of the City

My School in the News

Why I'm glad I studied neuroscience at Wash U even though I'm not using it now:

David Van Essen, Ph.D., the Edison Professor of Neurobiology and head of
the Department of Anatomy and Neurobiology, has been elected president of
the Society for Neuroscience, the world's largest organization for
scientists who study the brain.

Faith Among the Faithless

"Take delight in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart."
~Psalm 37:4

This verse has served as my support for the past few years. It got me through the devastation of falling flat on my face out here, it got me through the worst heartbreak I have ever known, and it got me through the catastrophe of Happy Camper. It also got me here.

Back home in Missouri you constantly interact with people who pepper their sentences with phrases like "God willing", "It's in God's hands", and "But for the grace of God". Back home, I felt like some kind of delinquent because I wasn't nearly religious enough or faithful enough or good enough to be among these people who were constantly in the presence of God. I would get frustrated by those who would remind me that something was in God's hands because I felt that He granted us free will and thus something became my responsibility. I got frustrated because I felt like they didn't approve or I wasn't good enough because I didn't go to church and wasn't part of their community of fundamentalists. I talked to God on my own, I had a strong faith, and that was all I needed. I so looked forward to the aspect of living in San Francisco that allowed me to be who I am without persistent meddling of evangelicals into my religious habits or spiritual thoughts.

I have now been in this incredible city for three months. Things are going well...I'm having fun, I enjoy life, I'm content. Something is missing, though. I think I just realized what it is. I'm not really happy. Happy enough, but not REALLY happy.

I've been telling myself it's my weight, it's my habits, it's the dating thing...any thing I can come up with that's actually under my power to change.

Walking home from the bus it occurred to me that I've yet to thank God for this beautiful city. I've yet to talk to God truly since I've been here. I've yet to bring Him along with me into this new life I've started.

Back home I constantly kept faith in Him that He would lead me in the right direction if I kept my heart focused on Him. I've spent my life trying to show Love and be a good person, and I felt like I just wanted a little break. So now I'm here, having achieved everything I want. Now I've got it all, right?

I'm constantly in conversations with people who tell me how cool it is that I made it here, how lucky I've gotten, how all of these great little coincidences have worked together to put me in this amazing situation. People are always telling me how lucky I am. Others who know me better and know how much I struggled with my previous failure out here tell me they're proud of me and how I made it back. They say I should be proud of myself...I've done so much to get here.

While I don't discount my part in getting here, nor do I believe that it's impossible that the stars aligned to get me this amazing situation, I do realize that I'm contradicting myself in a majorly uncool way. I prayed and prayed for God to help. I was so faithful when I was struggling, when I believed I needed Him. Now that I'm here I've yet to give credence to the idea that He may very well have just answered my prayers. How shitty of me.

In a city where everyone seems so faithless, or so faithful in transient fads, it's difficult to hold strong to one's own traditional faith. Here, I have freedom from reminders that I'm lacking in my spirituality. I have the freedom to practice how I choose without being looked down upon. In fact, I think I just may be the most religious person out of anyone I know here. Maybe, just maybe, I need that kick in the heart every once in a while.

So here's to faith. Here's to me realizing what a jerk I've been. And here's to me knowing what I have to change to find that true happiness I want in my new life in San Francisco.


I am infinitely grateful.

How to Fill a Niche

On O'Farrell Street downtown there is a business that makes one wonder how many people have to have this common combination of interests to keep the business alive. The small store-front boasts of the treasures you'll find inside: a laundromat, ice-cream, and sausage.

Because chocolate ice cream tastes so much better after a big ol' sausage and with the smell of detergent lingering in the background.

on drinking

In whatever country or culture we find ourselves, having a drink together is a sign of friendship, intimacy, and peace. Being thirsty is often not the main reason to drink. We drink to "break the ice," to enter into a conversation, to show good intention, to express friendship and goodwill, to set the stage for a romantic moment, to be open, vulnerable, accessible. It is no surprise that people who are angry at us, or who come to accuse us or harass us, won't accept a drink from us. They would rather say: 'I will come straight to the point of my being here.' Refusing a drink is avoiding intimacy.

At worst, drinking together is saying, 'We trust each other enough that we don't want to poison each other.' At best, it is saying 'I want to get close to you and celebrate life with you.' It breaks through the boundries that seperate us and invites us to recognize our shared humanity. Thus, drinking together can be a true spiritual event, affirming our unity as children of God.

--Henri J.M. Nouwen

revamping

Y'all should check out my new bio page. Especially the links section. :)

It's not about the butthole pleasures, not at all

You all should go see The 40 Year Old Virgin. Just do it.

Off on a mini trip to San Luis Obispo! Exploring more of my new home state.

Relay in Bullet Points

> The second we stepped onto the field in the morning we were soaked through up to our shins. It was cold and wet under the Golden Gate Bridge.

> A survivor sang a gospel song at which everyone on the committee cringed due to the fact that this is a non-religious event in SAN FRANCISCO!

> As we cheered the survivors during their lap, Christie teared up, missing her mother who died of breast cancer. I called my mom immediately.

> During the survivor lap, a woman on a bike actually stopped riding on the trail just to clap for the passing survivors. I wanted to hug this stranger.

> Amazing volunteers helped me accomplish everything I needed. So much so that I had volunteers to spare to the rest of the relay committee.

>As I introduced some of the current legislation to relayers, I met a crazy old gay cowboy and talked to his friend about how people back home are scared of San Francisco because they know everyone out here is right and they're scared of the truth. (Oh how the people back home would laugh.)

> A friend and I were ambushed by a strange man asking where he could hook up with a dying cancer patient who had medical marijuana to spare so he wouldn't have to go back onto opiates. He then proceeded to tell us over the next half hour how plastic bottles are causing cancer.

> I met the woman who rejected an initial resume of mine so long ago because I lived too far away. She told me she was kicking herself now.

> A friend came and we hunted cute boys all evening.

> I learned that, unlike my past Relays, we would be sleeping at this event. I made a makeshift tent in the advocacy booth and prayed it wouldn't get too cold.

> We added glow sticks to the luminarias while entertaining the crazy gay cowboy.

> The cops came before luminaria to ask us when we would be turning down the music.

> One of the speakers bailed, so in a panic we decided I was singing at the ceremony instead.

> After everyone came up to get their glowsticks (the crazy gay cowboy took some sort of morbid pride in how many he took as he counted out the deaths of friends and family), I sang wobbily but proudly.

> The cops came back and issued a citation, stating that they had previously warned us about the noise (even though they had only asked us when it would stop). Rather than issuing it to the event or organization, they chose a person in whose name to put it. Crazy cops.

> We tried to have a conga circle with Joti, the guy who was supposed to be performing then. Nobody knew any of the songs. I knew one, so he pulled me up to dance with him. I sang badly and without knowing the words, but we had fun. Somehow at church camps we always knew a million songs to sing. People out here don't know the same songs we all do back home, though.

> I tried to curl up with my friend to stay warm, but it just didn't work. After dozing slightly and waking cold and wet, I woke up and found a fire. I drank amazing hot chocolate, met a girl from Doniphan (that's back home to you west coast folks), and listened to countless stories of drunken Vegas adventures from the guys with the fire.

> I went back to bed and fell asleep to my friend reading Seneca.

> Upon waking under the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, I warmed up while listening to the Seneca essay I previously had missed, then learned we had raised over $28,000!!!!! in our tiny little Relay For Life.

Thank you so much to everyone who helped! Please let me know if you'd be interested in helping to make this event bigger and better next year!

Relay For Life

Come join me at San Francisco's Relay For Life in Crissy Field!

Saturday, August 20th, at 10am through Sunday, August 21st, at 10am

We'll be honoring the memory of those lost to cancer, celebrating survivors, and raising money for a hopeful future. Please join me for this tremendous event.

We have a great line up of bands playing all day/evening, and you can check out all of them for just $5 at the door. OR you can volunteer and get in free. Even if you can't stay long, warm caffeinated beverages and fresh out of the dryer blankets will be appreciated as I will be freezing my ass off all night in the SF summer fog.

Come keep me awake at 3am :)

Call me if you show (and know my number, of course). Otherwise just look for me :)

Ex-Lovers

So many of you have commented that my guestbook read like a list of hearts I've broken. Possibly true, but I have now hidden all (well, most) of the exes who left hateful messages or messages that were really just meant to show the rest of the men out there that I was taken, so you can be assured that the current entries are actually just friends or people who think my site is cool or something. You know, there really weren't THAT many exes on there. I think y'all are just too easily intimidated. :)

Secrets

PostSecret

my post in links

www.quirkyalone.net
Your score was 81. Somewhat quirkyalone (otherwise known as quirkytogether):
You are probably part of a mysterious group of people, the quirkytogethers. You share many of our quirky qualities, but you manage to find yourself, on a regular basis, in a coupled situation. Interesting.

www.jewishchickenranchers.com

www.miramax.com/bride

www.murderballthemovie.com
www.quadfather.net

http://landofsoju.netfirms.com/soju.htm

Why Chic Lit is Popular

Because all of us, even those who say we don't, want this:

"Hold on, I have an idea," (my loving boyfriend) said and tiptoed to the kitchen. He came back with two oversie garbage bags and spread them out over my blue comforter. He dug into the greasy bag and brought out two giant burgers with everything and one esxtra-large order of fries. He'd remembered ketchup packets and tons of salt for me, and even the napkins. I clapped I was so excited, (and almost forgot about my horrible first week at work that made me cancel our date tonight.)

"I'm not done yet. Here, check it out." And out of his backpack came a fistful of tiny vanilla tea lights, a bottle of screw-top red wine, and two waxy paper cups.

"You're kidding," I said softly, still not believing that he'd put all this together after I'd cancelled our date.

He handed me a cup of wine and tapped it with his. "No, I'm not. You think I was going to miss hearing about the first week of the rest of your life? To my best girl."

"Thank you," I said, slowly taking a sip. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Telecide

If you're reading this, and you haven't called me or emailed me your phone number since I destroyed mine yesterday, please do so. Unless, of course, you don't want me to have your number. :)

After sending out the email stating that I had sent my phone on a disastrous trip down the stairs, I received a number of charming replies. I got a couple sympathetic ones, but most of you are really just mean :) Here are a few of the more entertaining ones (notice how they all say a bit more about the sender than they do about my mishap :))

Wacky San Francisco party kids.

why did you do that? bit silly wasn't it?

Why on earth would you have thrown your phone down a stairwell? ...and don't repeat...just for kicks. Whatever possessed you?

That sounds like fun. I want to try throwing mine down a stairwell.

funtimes---once, for kicks, my brother threw his phone in the pool. ;)

That's awesome. I prefer to go swimming with mine.

I love that allen is the only one in the "to" list.

crescendoing, joyful laughing

And my personal fav from someone who knows me all too well:

Are you ALREADY getting ticked off at new guys out there?!?!?!?!

Springfield on TV

So on the DL show tonight (the weekend version of the Daily Show), they did a call in to good ol' Springfield, MO. Given that southwest Missouri is the meth capital of the world, when DL decided to talk about Meth, he called the police dept in Springfield, MO! I'm so proud of my hometown. Cashew chicken and meth.

My Period of Loss

In the past three days I have managed to lose my driver's license, my older driver's license that I used as a back-up, a beautiful (and beloved) red cashmere/silk blend hoodie, and any confidence that I will make it home safely all by myself and with dignity intact after a drunken night out with friends in far away parts of the city.

Maybe, if I'm really careful, I get home tomorrow having lost nothing more than a little bit of weight.

Book People

From my most recent read, The Rule of Four, by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason:

I'd begun to realize that there was an unspoken prejudice among book-learned people, a secret conviction they all seemed to share, that life as we know it is an imperfect vision of reality, and that only art, like a pair of reading glasses, can correct it.

...

[Life] made a mockery of the laws they lived by: that every fact can be reinterpreted, that ever ending can be changed.

Phobias

Due to the incessant need of Laurel Heights and Presidio Heights families to own expensive and well-groomed (read: showy) dogs, I've recently had to overcome (at least a bit) my fear of poodles. Yeah yeah, I know...but they're big ugly mean creatures, and for whatever reason, I've been scared of the breed (and only that breed) since childhood.

As I entered the dog park last week, a giant black statue of fuzz ran toward me. I started to flip out, until I heard him being called back by an accent that so closely matched my mom's that I just had to feel a bti at home. I sat next to the man, despite the big ugly poodle, and talked with him for awhile--he in his native German and I in my broken version. The poodle actually turned out to be pretty nice, and I was more interested in the conversation (and feeling a connection to Mom who is oh so far away now) than I was in noticing my fear. Soon, two other poodles showed up to play. Okay, so I'm not as comfortable with the others yet, but maybe I'll get there. For now, my joy in not panicking at the one is pretty damn nice.

You wonder why there's no word for the opposite of lonely. You wonder if there's a difference between whatever might be truth and a performance that isn't a lie.

In your life right now, you can't find one.

~Pam Houston

In horror movies we know that when things get calm and quiet we can expect something scary to jump out and shake us up again. It's always at that point in our lives when we get calm after the storm, when we think things are finally moving forward, when we think Thank God, this might finally be the end, that Old Ghosts come back to get in one last spook.

Where's that damn remote control?

homesick

It's not that I want to be home or that home offers me anything better than my beautiful new city. I love San Francisco, but San Francisco is lacking a couple of really important things. At home, when a day is a little too long or the mood just isn't right, I can head to Mom's house, curl up on the couch next to her, and cuddle Gatsby in my lap. Here there's no home, there's no Mom, there's no Gatsby. At the very least I could curl up with Corey and his kitty back in Springfield. Here I don't even have the roommate or the substitute pet. I used to call these teddy bear moods--moods that make you want to curl up and be a little melancholy but you might not really know why. Here, I just call it homesick because it reminds me of my cuddly comforts hiding back in Missouri.

Anyone wanna loan me a cuddly cat or a nice big dog?

Jackfruit

The jackfruit is moderately large to very large, weighing from 10 to 60 pounds. A few cultivars are small fruited, weighing 3 to 10 pounds (1.4-4.5 kg) each. The skin is extremely rough and thick. Fruit skin color is green when immature and green, greenish yellow to brownish-yellow when ripe. The inside of the fruit contains the edible, sweet, aromatic, crispy, soft or melting pulp that surrounds each seed. Between the seeds and edible pulp is the inedible "rag". Pulp color varies from amber to yellow, dark yellow or orange.

It's also good in shakes. :)

Linzer's Take on My City

Lindsey visits the Bay Area for work rather frequently. This is what she posted after her latest trip here:

Beautiful. San Francisco. Sweet Lord, Mona, you are right. Went to Sausalito for dinner tonite. Ate spring rolls and salmon at this little place on the water and watched all of the ships cutting in and out of the bay. Little curly ribbons of road wound tightly up the sides of the green mountains. It was impossibly beautiful. The smell of the air was salty, mingled with something else cedary and wonderful. Then we drove up the coast to Muir Woods, home of the giant Redwoods. Breathtaking. Dizzying to look to the tops of the massive trees. I felt at any second those things would come to life and say in a booming Lord of the Rings voice "The park closes at eight". Some of those trees are almost two thousand years old. Foggy, flowery, lush, named after the cookie. Sausalito. I will honeymoon there. Amazing.

Places usually don't affect me that much.

Even my flight out to SF was clear and I could see the country from 15,000 ft. Dry desert, green patches of irrigation, river-carved canyons, mountains that look like rumples in my bed sheets. It was like a painting. So beautiful. So just for me.

As I sat on the plane, I was reading "Mathematics: Is God Silent?"

The answer is most definitely no.

Giving a Bad Name to Animal Rights Activists

The following story is from This is True dated 17 July 2005. It is
Copyright 2005 Randy Cassingham, all rights reserved, and reprinted here
with
permission:

"Ethical" Defined

After more than 100 dead dogs were dumped in a trash dumpster over
four weeks, police in Ahoskie, N.C., kept an eye on the trash receptacle
behind a supermarket. Sure enough, a van drove up and officers watched
the occupants throw in heavy plastic bags. They detained the two people
in the van and found 18 dead dogs in plastic bags in the dumpster,
including puppies; 13 more dead dogs were still in the van. Police say
the van is registered to the headquarters of People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals, and the two occupants, Andrew B. Cook, 24, and
Adria Joy Hinkle, 27, identified themselves as PETA employees. An autopsy
performed on one of the dogs found it was healthy before it was killed.
Police say PETA has been picking up the animals -- alive -- from North
Carolina animal shelters, promising to find them good homes. Cook and
Hinkle have been charged with 62 felony counts of animal cruelty. In
response to the arrests PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said it's against
the group's policy for employees to dump animals in the trash, but "that
for some animals in North Carolina, there is no kinder option than
euthanasia." (Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald) ...Oops, my mistake: that's
"Playing God" Defined.

In his author's notes section, Cassingham had more to say about this
story:

The more I learn about PETA, the less I think of
them. The story of them killing animals isn't even unusual. According to
PETA's own filings, in 2004 PETA killed 86.3 percent of the
animals entrusted to its care -- a number that's rising, not falling.
Meanwhile, the SPCA in PETA's home town (Norfolk, Va.) was able to find
loving homes for 73 percent of the animals put in its care. A shortage of
funds? Nope: last year PETA took in $29 million in tax-exempt donations.
It simply has other priorities for the funds, like funding terrorism
(yes, really). But don't take my word for it: I got my figures from
http://www.PETAkillsAnimals.com
-- and they have copies of PETA's state and federal filings to back it
up. The bottom line: if you donate money to PETA because you think they
care for and about animals, you need to think some more. PETA literally
yells and screams about how others "kill animals" but this is how
they operate? Pathetic.

And you know what I wonder? PETA's official count of animals
they kill is 86.3 percent. But if they're going around picking up
animals, killing them while they drive around and not even giving them a
chance to be adopted, and then destroying the evidence by dumping
the bodies in the trash, are those deaths being reported? My
guess: no. While 86.3 percent is awful, the actual number is probably
much, much higher. How dare they lecture anyone
about the "ethical" treatment of animals!

(This is True is a weekly column featuring
weird-but-true news
stories from around the world, and has been published since 1994. Click
the link for info about free subscriptions.)

Jon Stewart is My Hero

He interviewed Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. about the link between thimerosal in vaccines and autism. Thank God. Thing of how many people watch The Daily Show...now all of them have been exposed to this public health disaster. Everybody with a vested interest in public health, developmental disorders, or battles against political bodies should read Evidence of Harm, by David Kirby. Just read it.

soft feet

Ever since I've moved to the city I've started the nightly process of making sure my feet aren't all black from walking around in flip flops all day. I just found the best solution. Running on the beach! My feet are soft and clean and perfect :) It also makes it rather fun to do something I dislike so much :)

Yay!

Music of the Night

I want to hate Andrew Lloyd Weber just to avoid being cliche.

I want to, but I can't. Phantom of the Opera is brilliant and beautiful and is going to playing over and over in my head all night.

The Phantom of the Opera is inside my mind.

Levitation

When I was a little girl, I recall watching David Copperfield fly on television. My father said there was only one explanation--that Copperfield must have sold his sould to the devil.

David Blaine freaks me out to no end.

This levitation thing he does spooks the shit out of me. So I decided to do some research. Here's what I found:

Blaine has two types of levitation. One he does all the time and he rises up about 3 or 4 inches with his back to his audience. This is called Balducci levitation, and is actually quite well known. Apparently it's all in the build-up.

The other type he does, where he rises two feet in the air, is a trick of cameras and props. He only does this one in tv specials.

So now I know :) Not nearly as freaked out. knowledge is power

Missouri in the Media

I watched Million Dollar Baby tonight.

Great movie, but really, Clint Eastwood's acting is a bit too melodramatic.

Anyway, Hillary Swank's character is from southwest Missouri, near my hometown. This is noteworthy because of the accent she has in the movie. Everybody asks me why I learned not to talk with the accent from home. Watch Million Dollar Baby and you'll understand.

Knowing is Half the Battle

I admit it. I have a problem.

In situations with new people, I come across as a self-centered bitch.

Honestly, I want to learn about other people, but for whatever reason, I continually bring the conversation back to me. It's an honest mistake that has grown into a very bad habit. I want so much to open myself up and show others who I am that I go overboard and shove it down their throats. Not good.

To all of you who have thought, gosh she likes to talk about herself...

I sincerely apologize.

I'm a work in progress.

I told you so

It's one of those most dreaded phrases...especially when you have to hear it from yourself.

When you meet someone, and you see the signs, you really should just run away. When you ignore those signs (claiming exemption due to your extra-coolness and awareness of said signs), you do so at your own risk. When other people warn you of the things you're already starting to see, you should run faster. At this point even if the negatives are completely overt, you still stick around because you have to prove something to all of those people to whom you defended the person-including yourself. It becomes much more difficult to run.

Then they just out and out disappoint you. You sigh miserably and move on.

And you have to say, "Self, I fuckin' told you so."

The Perfect Man - Revisited

So after I posted the CL ad that SOMEONE ELSE wrote about her fantasy man, I received a few comments/complaints about the guy I was looking for. Because it was someone else's and not straight from my heart, I thought I should address the concerns of those men who spend way too much time trying to analyze women like me given that they'll never actually have it all figured out.

Another issue to address is the contradictory nature of writing this kind of post, but stating that I'm not looking for a relationship. I am NOT looking for a relationship. But I'm not really avoiding one, either. I think it's perfectly acceptable to take the pressure off by making lots of friends and dating casually. It's difficult to date casually or make just friends if people go into it with the assumption that you want a relationship. I'm tired of feeling the pressure to conform to some sort of standard about what my interaction with someone should be like just because they are of the opposite sex. So here's the deal: I'm very happy single. I don't think I want to change that status right now. But if today, that guy who would totally change my world came along...I'm not going to be all jaded/scared/skittish and push him away just because I like being single. I like to keep an open mind. :)

With that said, I'd like to readdress the perfect man issue. Given the large number of different aspects of my personality that come into play through the course of a day/week/year, what I write will probably change depending on my recent experiences, who I'm talking to, and my emotional state. While I value all of the things I posted last time, today, right this moment, I've got one big requirement for the man that breaks me out of single status.

Be the man who, with utter sincerity and an adorable smile on his face, can look into my eyes and sing this song to me:

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us

Now, If you don't think you could ever be that guy, don't bother getting romantic. Just have fun with me and be my friend, because I'm having way too much friggin fun being single to give that up for anything less.

Ahhh...A Little Taste of Home

Anthropology of MY People

Midwest Discovered Between East and West Coasts

NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest."

The Geological Survey team discovered the vast region while searching for the fabled Midwest Passage, the mythical overland route passing through the uncharted area between Ithaca, NY, and Bakersfield, CA.

"I long suspected something was there," said Franklin Eldred, a Manhattan native and leader of the 200-man exploratory force. "I'd flown between New York and L.A. on business many times, and the unusually long duration of my flights seemed to indicate that some sort of large area was being traversed, an area of unknown composition."

The Geological Survey explorers left the East Coast three weeks ago, embarking on a perilous journey to the unknown. Not long after crossing the Adirondack Mountains, Eldred and his team were blazing trails through strange new regions, wild lands full of corn and wheat.

"Thus far we have discovered places known as Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin," said Randall Zachary, chief navigator for the expedition. "When translated from the local dialect into English, these words seem to mean 'summer camp.'"

Eldred and the others were surprised to learn that the Midwest, whose inhospitable environment was long believed to be incapable of supporting human life, is indeed populated, albeit sparsely.

"The Midwestern Aborigines are ruddy, generally heavy-set folk, clad in plain, non-designer costumery," Eldred said. "They tend to live in simple, one-story dwellings whose interiors are decorated with Hummels and 'Bless This House' needlepoint wall-hangings. And though coarse and unattractive, these simple people were rather friendly, offering us quaint native fare such as 'hotdish' and 'casserole.'"

Though the Midwest territory is still largely unexplored, early reports describe a region as backwards as it is vast. "Many of the basic aspects of a civilized culture appear to be entirely absent," said Gina Strauch, a Los Angeles-based anthropologist. "There is no theater to speak of, and their knowledge of posh restaurants is sketchy at best. Further, their agricentric lives seem to prevent them from pursuing high fashion to any degree, and, as a result, their mode of dress is largely restricted to sweatpants and sweatshirts, the women's being adorned with hearts and teddy bears and the men's with college-football insignias."

Despite the Midwesterners' considerable cultural backwardness, some say the establishment of relations with them is possible.

"Believe it or not, this region may have things to offer us," said Jonathan Ogleby, a San Francisco-area marketing expert. "We could construct an airport there, a place where New Yorkers could switch planes on their way to California. We could stage revivals of old Broadway musicals there. Perhaps we could even one day conduct trade with the Midwesterners, offering them electronic devices in exchange for meats and agriculture."

Others, however, are not so optimistic about future relations. "We must remember that these people are not at all like us," Conde Nast publisher and Manhattan socialite Lucille Randolph Snowdon said. "They are crude and provincial, bewildered by our tall buildings and our art galleries, our books and our coffee shops. For an L.A. resident to attempt to interact with one of them as he or she would with, say, a Bostonian is ludicrous. It appears unlikely that we will ever be able to conduct a genuine exchange of ideas with them about anything, save perhaps television or 'the big game.'"

Days Like These

How the hell did I do this in college? And why am I still doing it now?

Need to nap.

My Comments on Recent Blog Commentary

So in response to my "fantasy man" post, I got this comment:

"Before you can ask that of someone, you need to be able to provide that of yourself to him. Otherwise you're looking for someone to make up what you can't produce, instead of enjoying what you both are. IE Gold Digger lf sugar daddy. That's not love, its lust or self preservation. Considering you were just looking for money last month, seems like you might be a Pier 39 patroller. But, I work down there..come by, I got dollars!"

I know I should probably just leave it alone, but I can't help myself.

To "anonymous":

1. The fantasy man post is about my *ahem* FANTASY man. I don't expect any man I'd ever date to be that friggin perfect, but c'mon...if I wanted to I could ask for a man who will give me a neck massage every night while impressing my mom, entertaining my girlfriends, cooking me a magnificent dinner and singing love songs in an incredible voice. It's MY fantasy. I'm not dictating standards for the men I'll date, dangit.

2. I CAN provide a lot of those things to a man. I wouldn't hope for them for me if I didn't hope to be able to offer something comparable to someone else.

3. The "looking for money last month" was a nice little play on the fact that I was leaving my fundraising job where I would no longer have to create sponsorship systems like that. Given that you didn't see that, you obviously don't know me NEARLY well enough to even begin making judgments about me.

And about that one...you'll notice nobody got named for any of those levels...think that might be because nobody who knows me took it seriously?

4. What the hell is a Pier 39 patroller? How did the tacky hub of tourists come into play in my fantasy? Yech!

Seriously, when you leave anonymous comments with no backing evidence, you're not really doing me any damage here :)

Ooooh, that just gave me something else to add to my fantasy man: He will face things forthright, and not be the passive aggressive type who can't stand his ground out in the open.

:)

Why the bad guys get away...

stupid husbands

let's just make sure we restrict these complaints to the non-emergency police numbers so we don't tie up the 911 lines, ladies

The perfect man

Saw this in an ad on craigslist, and thought I'd showcase it here. My own editorial comments are in bold or red. :)

My fantasy man
He would be tall. At least 6'1 (I can deal with shorter) He would work out and have really sexy arms. He would be extremely smart. Own his own home or at least rent a nice home. His car would be clean, and he would have a good stereo. He would have good taste in music, new music, not just the shit he used to listen to when he was in high school and make me mix cds. He would have a dog..(a big one-not a little yappy thing) I'll be able to love him without worrying that I'm being too clingy (and he'll be secure in that love). He'll be very affectionate and love to cuddle. He'll be strong and make me feel safe no matter where we are. He'll be passionate about his job, and if not, passionate about one of his hobbies (passionate about anything is okay...hopefully many things). He'll have lots of books for me to read (and have read at least some of them). He'll love camping and hiking and swimming. (But also love hanging out in the city) He'll smell good. He won't have numerous tattoos or piercings. And if he does have some, he won't think they make him hella cool. He'll be good to his mom and have a good relationship with his family. He'll want to get married and have kids one day. He'll make me laugh. We'll read the paper together over breakfast, and read books in the living room at night. He won't be on stupid weird diets, but he will be healthy. He will make me want to be successful and guide me in the direction I need to go in. He'll pay for everything, and in return, I'll always look great, notice things he needs and buy them for him, clean and cook and swallow. He'll appreciate the finer things in life and know that you get what you pay for, but he won't be superficial or think you can buy taste, or love. He'll enjoy taking care of me, and letting me take care of him. He'll be past the stage where impressing his friends is more important than treating his girlfriend well. He won't be intimidated by tall or assertive girls (i.e. me).

Okay, boys, there ya go.

NY Times Thimerosal Article

Safe Minds Action Alert on New York Times Thimerosal-Autism Article

The June 25 publication of the New York Times contained a front page article titled "On Autism's Cause, It's Parents vs. Research" by Gardiner Harris and Anahad O’Connor. The article includes several references to SafeMinds.

Although directors of SafeMinds were interviewed for the story, information we presented to the reporters, such as peer-reviewed research papers on the harmful effects of thimerosal, was not included in the published article. In addition, the article contains numerous disturbing errors of fact, omissions of fact, and a consistent bias which call into question the credibility and motivation of the authors.

The primary responsibility of the media in gathering and distributing news and opinion is to serve the general welfare of the public by providing accurate information which enables the public to make informed judgments on issues that impact their lives. The Times authors acknowledge the critical importance of the thimerosal issue to public health. The requirement for a balanced portrayal of the issue is not trivial.

Therefore, SafeMinds is asking the New York Times to immediately publish corrections to and investigate the journalistic process surrounding this article in an effort to fulfill their service obligation to the American public and adhere to their historically high journalistic standards.

The New York Times has a clear channel through which readers can express their dissatisfaction with the reporting process and editorial choices made by the current staff. This is the office of the Public Editor. The Public Editor has three obligations:

Making sure the concerns of readers and the public about the paper are heard -- and heeded when they are valid.

Monitoring The Time’s journalistic integrity -- which means accuracy and fairness in both reality and perception.

Publicly assessing the newsroom's performance in these areas to enhance readers' understanding of the journalistic process and to remind editors and reporters to do their best.

SafeMinds asks those of you who have concerns about the Times article to email The Public Editor, Byron Calame, at public@nytimes.com. Communications are taken more seriously if they are short and factual.

SafeMinds will be issuing a letter to the editor of the Times listing the factual errors in the article and the corrections needed. SafeMinds will also be sending the Public Editor a letter on concerns over the journalistic process, and we will issue this publicly once it is sent.

things that motivate me to walk, no. 1

I'm standing on the Muni, and this guy slides his hand along the bar up next to mine until it almost covers my hand. He pushes himself up behind me, says excuse me, and then uses his other hand to push me over to the direction he came.

At home, definitely would have decked the guy. But here, I understand there's less room, people are a bit more on top of each other, maybe he didn't mean to...so I excuse it.

But then his hand, now on the other side of me, finds mine again. I move away a bit. He moves into me. I move again, he moves again...and it goes on. Finally, a seat opens and I take it as quickly as I can. He moves so that he is standing directly in front of me and his knees keep resting on mine. Please note that the bus is NOT crowded. I keep moving, he keeps moving...and so on. He then takes the seat next to me and continues to lean on me for the rest of the bus ride. I make eye contact several times and pull away. Finally, I just get off and walk the 12 or 13 blocks home b/c I can't deal with his slimey self anymore.

I need to learn when it's okay here to just shove him off me. I'm afraid I'd get mobbed here for not being a pacifist, though. We'll see.

It was a nice walk home. :)

Even Montel Gets the Autism Link

http://www.montelshow.com/show/past_detail_5_21_2005.htm

HOME

I can now say, while standing in the middle of San Francisco, that I am home.

Good things do happen once in a while :)

Who has time to blog? I'm moving. Please review the previous post and take action accordingly. :)

Charitable Giving

On June 4, 2005, a young midwestern gal will embark upon a journey that will mark the beginning of a new phase in her life. You have the ability to help send her on this journey. Contributions are recognized according to the sponsorship levels below.

Muscle (Moving Help on Either End):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of donor's choice

Supplier (Household Item or Grocery Donation):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home

Envelope Licker (Good Wishes or Happy Thoughts):
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home

Mail Carrier ($10-$99):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home

UPS Guy ($100-$499):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Invitation to Housewarming

Fed Ex Guy ($500-$999):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Invitation to Housewarming
Invitation to select events
Home-Cooked Dinner

Mover ($1,000-$999,999):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Outstanding invitation
Home-Cooked Dinner of Donor's Choice

Home Buyer ($1,000,000 and up, or a San Francisco home):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Donor and Recipient Together in New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Outstanding Invitation
Monthly Home-Cooked Dinner of Donor's Choice
Prompt Proposal of Marriage
Beautiful Wealthy Children (Custody Shared with Recipient)

Contributions accepted via check, money order, cash, and paypal. In special cases, food or alcohol will be considered.

Janet is a ROCK STAR

www.ktts.com

look down the page for the picture of the cute short-haired chick with Josh Gracin

Tribute to Aging Gracefully

Alias made a fantastic decision to bring back my favorite character.

So I think I developed a tiny bit of a girl crush on Lena Olin when I first saw her in Unbearable Lightness of Being (which is sexier by far than any porn flick).


I can only hope to be so sexy when I'm fifty.

I Didn't Sign Up For This

When did I become an accountant?

Life in Missouri

"It is as if we somehow need to constantly create a group who is other than ourselves. Life here in the Midwest is so different from life in most parts of the world in that we have very little diversity. I was amazed to learn when I arrived here in 1991 that there had very recently been a Klu Klux Klan meeting at a local park. How, I wondered, can you manage to become a racist when you hardly ever meet anyone of another race around here?" -Dr. Roger Ray

Open Minds

"In the mid 1980's when Tibet’s Dalai Lama first began coming to the United States to speak he was being questioned by a group of reporters and the issue of homosexuality came up. In answer to their question the Dalai Lama began to repeat Buddhist condemnations of same sex relationships and then, right in the middle of a sentence, he stopped, thought for a moment and then began speaking again, 'If the two people have taken no vows of chastity, and neither is harmed, why should it not be acceptable?'

In one sentence he reversed a thousand years of Buddhist teaching and tradition. This is such an important thing to be able to do. He was able to see that an old prejudice which may have served to strengthen society in one age was a threat to spiritual health, to justice, to kindness in this age. " -Dr. Roger Ray

Literal Interpretations

"If you are settling in for an evening of TV viewing this evening, and you watch, say, for example, a football game (Raiders by 6), then the evening news and end up your evening watching an old re-run of Andy Griffeth show you would know automatically that you would not watch these three programs in exactly the same way. The evening news at least attempts to be an objective telling of what actually happened in the world today. The football game, while it is broadcast live and it is really taking place somewhere, you know that it is not the same as news about the conflict in Afghanistan.... they are chasing and hitting each other but you know that it is all a game.

"Finally, you watch the characters in the black and white world of Mayberry in quite a different way. You know that there is no and never has been a Sheriff Andy and Deputy Barney, just like there was never a sweet little southern town where everyone was white and no real crimes were ever committed. But you don’t get upset and yell at the TV that it is all lies! You understand that even though it is a fictional story that it still often has a moral point and that in fact you have known people in law enforcement who acted an awful lot like Barney and we all long for that widowed relative who cooks, cleans and runs the house for you like Aunt Bea to come live with you.

"TV belongs to our culture and we know how to watch different programs with an appropriate understanding and appreciation of what a sit com has to offer, which news stations are the most believable and what the difference between sci fi and docudrama is.

"Understanding the Bible requires that we read its different books in the way that the culture which created those books meant for them to be read. If someone watches Mayberry re-runs a thousand years from now and insists that everyone either see them as film documentation of real life in an American small town then we would call that person..... a fundamentalist. I trust that you understand what I am saying.The Bible contains, songs, poetry, philosophy, sermons, history and it contains stories.... stories which are intended to teach a moral lesson. These teaching stories, parables, are among the richest and most helpful passages we find in the sacred writings." - Dr. Roger Ray

Galileo had an interesting theory about how the Bible should be read. He believed the Bible was a book meant to explain the soul. God gave us our senses and our mental capacities to observe and understand science. He gave us the Bible to understand the soul. Therefore, things in the Bible that refer to science, such as the day the sun stopped in the middle of the sky, or references to the sun orbiting the Earth, are all to be taken metaphorically. God gave us senses to observe these, therefore when He talks of them in the Bible he is simply using them as demonstration. Because our senses can't observe the soul, though, everything God says about the soul and salvation in the Bible should be taken literally. Interesting thought.

I don't know if that's clear cut, but I agree with Dr. Ray. Every book of the Bible had a particular context in which it was meant to be read. Given that we're coming in way after the fact (much as someone a hundred years from now might be coming on Andy Griffith), we have to look back and learn how to read those books. We can't just read them all the same way. So really, in the whole Literal vs. Metaphorical interpretation of the Bible, both sides are wrong. I like that idea :)

Exes

Why can't a break-up just be because two people couldn't make it work? Why, after all the analysis and all the post break-up talk, do guys have to go back and decide that it's all a big angry fiasco? Why do they have to come back, after admitting all the awful things they did, and blame it all on you to make themselves feel better? Why do they have to continue to cast blame and delude themselves about what happened? Why can't it just be okay?

I thought the heartbreak was over. I thought we could move on. Why does it have to get ugly? Why now?

A wise person recently pointed out to me that if you care enough about someone, and get along well enough to date for some time, you should at least be able to be friends if it doesn't work out. Why would you limit that person to just dating? Why can't you take that caring relationship to friends? Why do you have to hate someone just because they don't belong to you? Why do you have to start hating them the second you can't control them? Why must you KEEP trying to control them?

You think someone loves you, and then you find that their love only extends so far as their possession of you.

I love you, darlin, I always will. I'd love to be friends with you. But guess what...no man has ever owned me. No man ever will. And most of those who've tried to control me have gotten hurt. I'm sure you can attest to that.

The Wisdom of Karaoke Hosts

On the desire to make a moment last forever:

It's like a song:
I can hold a note forever,
but eventually that's just noise.
It's the change we're listening for--
the note coming after,
and the one after that.
That's what makes the music.

~Lorne, from Angel

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

But who wants a gentleman, really?

I'm a brunette now! Pictures will follow when I can get them. :)

This is one of the main colors the stylist used: http://www.mothernature.com/shop/detail.cfm/sku/88523

"Autism is a World"-CNN 1 Hour Film
http://blogs.indiewire.com/steve.rosenbaum/archives/003769.html

Life Cycles

We lost a little one today.
We were told he always wanted an apple tree.



This one's for you, Connor.

Tiger Baby!

I Wish to go to Disneyland

My future employer just informed me that I will be going to Disneyland from June 15th-June 19th. She hopes that's a good thing. :)

Heck ya!

:)

I Miss College

KERWIN'S BACK!

It's Official!

Starting on June 4, I will be a resident of San Francisco, CA!

I've accepted a position with a community foundation and working part-time as a nanny, and will be moving to the city so very soon!

Officially moving to SF! Read about my beautiful new city!

Help for the Weary

The mother of one of the children we serve here at Happy Camper could use a bit of a boost. In order to properly care for her daughter, who has spent the last two years in and out of treatment facilities, she has resigned from her job. For the first time in over 20 years, she'll be a stay at home mom. In order to supplement her income, she has taken on a part time position from home with The Pampered Chef. If you're into cooking (or eating, for that matter) take a look at the website. It doesn't take long, and you might find something you were gonna go out and buy anyway. If you DO find something, please let me know so that you can purchase it through the mother. Seriously, if you're going to need something anyway, you might as well help people while you're at it.

www.pamperedchef.com

Thanks for taking a gander!

Missouri Approves Vaccine Mercury Ban

Missouri is (incredibly) one of the first states to pass a bill limiting the amount of mercury in vaccines given to children! Mercury in vaccines has been linked to the rising incidence rate of autism. Although research has not proven a causal relationship, the circumstantial evidence is strong enough that many parents have stopped getting vaccinations for their children. Petitions to increase vaccinations rates in many states have led to public debates throughout the country. As one of 4 major hubs for autism treatment (the others are LA, Princeton, and Minneapolis), St. Louis has long been at the center of these debates. After Gov. Schwarzenegger passed a bill in California to limit mercury in vaccines starting in June 2006 (current vaccines must be used before new ones can be made), St. Louis parents set out to make Missouri follow suit.

The Missouri House and Senate have both passed the bill, and it will now go to Governor Matt Blunt for approval. Given the recent outrage over Blunt's budget cuts for the First Steps autism program and the subsequent reversal of that decision, he is eager to sign the new bill into law. The bill limits the mercury-free requirement only to those under three, which would not cover children getting their first vaccinations before entering school. Many advocates argue that Blunt's push for this limitation counters the purpose of the bill to lower rates of autism across the board. However, most cases of autism start between the ages of 2 and 4--just after that first round of vaccinations. Even though the bill doesn't cover all vaccines, it will greatly limit the number of children in the autism onset range who will be exposed to possible mercury contamination. Regardless, this is a HUGE step for Missouri legislature, and it demonstrates the power that parents and advocacy groups can have over the future of our children.

While the cause of autism remains a mystery, research is producing more results than ever and several methods of treatment have shown drastic improvements.

You can help by raising funds and awareness in your community through Walk Far for N.A.A.R.!

Steamy Time Travel

Having a roommate that spends every day learning about the new books on the market has its advantages.

Apparently there's an erotica series in which the character travels through time to have passionate affairs with people in different eras.

And the woman's name, of course, is Monica :)

Borrowed DVDs

Who has my copies of Bandits and Oceans Eleven?

Not super important, granted, but I'd like to have everything back before I move. Let me know :)

Another Fun-Filled Weekend

So this weekend I got to hang out in Kansas City. Not that KC is the most fun place to hang out, but it was a fabulous weekend with great people and good entertainment. It's gonna be so difficult to actually get through five days of work now. :)

Saturday night was Chuck's bday. Being the RPG'er that he is, he asked that we have a 20s gangster themed party. We all showed up at a little Italian dive dressed as mobsters and flappers. Tres sexy. After dinner at a long table with Chuck and Corey guarding the ends (looking hot as always, boys :)) we headed over to Martha's for some tonics and dancing. Despite the normal crowd, Saturday night there were plenty of cute straight guys to go around. :) Made for a very interesting night with us girls in our short little dresses and strings of pearls.

Afterward, we made it back to the soon to be lonely apartment to watch Chicago and play a game of Cranium. I've never played with such a big group of nerds (myself included). The game goes by pretty dern quickly when everyone is either a trivial pursuit guru or a theater major. We got a few great sensasketch prints for the fridge :) Anyone else wanna help decorate?

Gotta Get Ba-a-ack to My City by the Bay

Had an amazing weekend in San Francisco! Can't believe I have to be back here at work already. Can't wait to head back out that way again. Don't want to jinx anything, but things are looking good. Keep fingers crossed for me!

Okay, I'm done being hurt. No more. Now, I'm just pissed off.

Really friggin pissed off.

You know, when you get burned by a guy, you can stay away from guys for awhile...avoid relationships until you can trust again...

What the hell do you do when you get burned by a job? You either keep working away your life in that job and deal with it because you need the paycheck...OR you have to move on to a new job where you have no idea if it'll be better or worse than the one that burned you.

I don't think I can ever work in an office that's completely female again. Need some testosterone in the mix. Ugh.

Extra Optimism Needed

I'm soooooo excited. I've never wanted anything so much in my entire life! PLEASE, please, please, please, please let this happen for me. Lots of positive thoughts! Can this please just happen? Can things go my way in a big way, finally? Please, PTB's?

Absolute Truth

Three years ago, someone who was about to become a very close friend asked me if I believed in truth. This question, along with my state of mind at the time, led me on a search for truth and my philosophies on it. Part of my research involved William James' essays on pragmatism. Lately, I've been exploring my self and my philosophies...and this one has been brought up again and again. Thought I'd share my findings.

What is Truth?

Pragmatism and Truth

. . . if we take the universe of "fitting," countless coats "fit" backs, and countless boots "fit" feet, on which they are not practically fitted; countless stones "fit" gaps in walls into which no one seeks to fit them actually. In the same way countless opinions "fit" realities, and countless truths are valid, tho' no thinker ever thinks them.~ William James, in Philosophical Review (1908). The Pragmatist Account of Truth and Its Misunderstanders

The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths.~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).

Truth, as any dictionary will tell you, is a property of certain of our ideas. It means their "agreement," as falsity means their disagreement, with "reality."~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).

Truth is essentially a relation between two things, an idea, on the one hand, and a reality outside of the idea, on the other.~ William James, The Meaning of Truth (1909).

Truth is what works.~ William James

Against William James

And my thoughts:

Many people would claim that William James’ idea of truth indicates that truth is relative to the individual and to the situation. When first reading James’ lectures, I also believed that his account of truth seemed very subjective and was baffled as to how his views might support the idea that truth actually is absolute. However, upon more careful reading of “Lecture Six,” I was able to understand that William James actually supports an idea of absolute truth that, unlike the rationalist view of truth, allows functioning within truth even when later findings may discredit what beliefs we now hold.
James undoubtedly supports the idea that truth is absolute and even explains this in his lecture.

“The ‘absolutely’ true, meaning what no farther experience will ever alter, is that ideal vanishing point towards which we imagine that all our temporary truths will some day converge. It runs on all fours with the perfectly wise man and with the absolutely complete experience; and, if these ideals are ever realized, they will all be realized together. Meanwhile we have to live today by what truth we can get today, and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood.” (p222-223)

In this passage, James explains that absolute truth is that which we may eventually come to find and towards which we are always working. An absolute truth does exist, according to James, but we must understand that we do not always have access to it because we are restricted to what we can verify, either directly or indirectly through exchange of information with others. Because we are constantly finding new facts and working them into our system of already held beliefs, we are constantly changing what we believe to be true. These approximations we call truth converge on that ideal vanishing point of which James speaks. Even though our current truths (or our approximations of the truth) may change, we still need a way to identify them as truths and James offers that by defining truth as the process of verification.
James makes a point of demonstrating that one does not simply choose truth based on what he desires by stating that truth must agree with those things we already hold true and new facts with which we are presented. He states that,

“We mustn’t now call Abel ‘Cain’ or Cain “Abel.’ If we do, we ungear ourselves from the whole book of Genesis, and from all its connections with the universe of speech and fact down to the present time. We throw ourselves out of whatever truth that entire system of speech and fact may embody.” (p214)

This indicates that we cannot choose what we wish to hold as true because it must agree with all other truths already present. This process of gaining new truths by connecting them with already-believed truths brings us closer to James’ absolute truth. The truth he speaks of is certainly not relative; it is the act of pursuing that which we hope to find cannot be altered by new truths. It is the act of moving toward that vanishing point.

Cautiously Optimistic

This seems to be my new term for everything good that happens in my life.

Although things haven't been going very well lately, some things have been looking better. For one, I get to go to San Francisco on Friday and spend a few days with Amy, who I haven't seen in so friggin long, and other friends and that beautiful city. Life is rough right now, but even that doesn't keep me from being soooo excited about my upcoming vacation. I also scored an interview while I'm out there, and it could be a really good fit...so we'll see. Very excited!

After I get back I only have two days of work before I'm off on another day to go to an interview in Kansas City. Not as exciting as San Francisco, but the job offer is certainly a big thing. Maybe life will smile on me for a bit :) I could use the sunshine.

On that note, I'm gonna go play with some puppies at the shelter now!

Break Ups Suck

Most break-ups are some form of "you hurt me", "i hate you", or the ever useful "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Those can be dealt with. The hurt ones make you feel betrayed and untrusting for awhile. The hate ones make you feel angry. The the I'm not in love with yous make you feel betrayed or guilty, depending on which party you are. You get to feel an appropriate emotion toward the other person that helps you get over it.

But what happens if you still really love someone, and you've just learned that it isn't going to work? How do you deal with it when you love someone so much that you're willing to reevaluate your needs and passions, but you learn that love isn't always enough. Fact is...love doesn't conquer all. Love can make you go a long way toward trying, but there's got to be some major strength of character, flexibility, and willingness to completely change a personality to make it work sometimes. And personality changes? Those are definitely a bad idea...unless of course you're going for the dissociative identity disorder appeal.

Of course some of you might say, if it's not going to work, you must not love each other enough...or maybe that if the personalities are so different, you shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place.

I disagree. Some people come along at times in your life when you think you're ready for a change...and maybe you feel like they have a way of doing things that could work for you. Once you get there, though, you realize that you had to try something new, but then you have to balance it back out with how you were before so that you can accumulate through your life rather than changing from phase to phase. Hopefully, they can adopt some of your ways and you can reach a happy give and take that lets you move forward in your life together. Sometimes, however, you shock the hell out of that person by trying to balance back toward your old ways and it just doesn't work. Maybe they've met someone like you before...maybe they've tried your ways. Maybe they're trying now, but it's just not who they are.

You've changed for them, you think, so why can't they change a bit for me? BUt you have to realize you are asking someone to change their personality for you. You offered, you adapted, but just because you did doesn't mean they are able to. And did you really adapt all that much anyway? You can't be too sure. Introspection is never objective.

So one day you're having a conversation that epitomizes your constant clash of personalities and values. All of a sudden, you see yourself as adults, with children, with real responsibilities...trying to figure it all out. If you're trying to change each other now...if these little things are such a big deal every single time they come up...how on earth are you going to handle it when it's the big things?

You see yourself never changing. You see yourself losing sight of your values and your dreams because you've had to adapt just a little too much. You know that you've done the same to this person who is supposed to be your love. You love this person so much you can't let go, but you finally realize that you will never be yourself, never be understood, never understand, and never be truly happy if you keep expecting changes that should never have to be made.

So you end it. You cry. You try to deal with your broken heart without anger or blame or guilt because none of that really fits here. You try to move towards friends, but you still have so much love. You know it's for the best. You know one day you'll be friends. And you know you will always love each other.

My love for you will never change.

Redneck-ified Chinese Food

I'm just learned that cashew chicken is not a dish that can be eaten with chopsticks out of the little chinese to go box.

If you're ever in southwest Missouri, you should order Cashew Chicken. You can only get true Ozark cashew chicken in Springfield and the surrounding area. Basically, there was a large immigration of Chinese people here in the 50s or something, and they all opened restaurants. They then all promptly failed b/c rednecks aren't into that weird new fangled Asian food (we JUST last year got our second sushi restaurant, and the first one used sushi as a sidebar and the steakhouse aspect as the main attraction...now we're booming with sushi bars, though). Well, in order to keep from going out of business, someone in this town invented cashew chicken. Yes, I realize that's a dish you can get in a lot of places, but it's different here. Basically what they did was take the chicken that every other restaurant puts in general's chicken or sesame chicken or whatnot, took out those hot red peppers so it's not spicy, took out any vegetables that might give it a semblance of actually being a Chinese dish, and added redneck gravy. Until I moved to St. Louis, getting Chinese meant getting cashew chicken...which meant getting chicken nuggets on rice with brown gravy and cashews and NOTHING ELSE on it. At all the Chinese restaurants, and even at the sushi bars here, you still have to ask for chopsticks...and even funnier to me...you can get chopsticks at the Thai place. And there's no such thing as Chinese delivery. The only foods that deliver here are pizza and deli stuff. We do, however, have lots of Chinese drive through, and my favorite place boasts the best cashew chicken in town. Given that I had enough growing up to mean I never have to try it again (and once I tried real chinese food I started a new addiction) I'd never ordered it. Last night I was feeling country, but wanted egg rolls, too, so I went and got cashew chicken. This always means a wonderfully cold lunch out of the box the next day. The brown gravy we Ozarkers have added to the dish, though, congeals in such a way that my chopsticks skills are worthless.

You learn something new every day.

Why I Take Pride in My Status as a Wash U Alum

BREAST CANCER VACCINE MAY BE ON THE HORIZON:
Researchers at WashingtonUniversity School of Medicine and the Alvin J. Siteman Cancer Center arereporting progress toward development of a breast cancer vaccine.Researchers are studying a protein called mammaglobin-A, which is found in80 percent of breast tumors. Utilizing a DNA vaccine they constructed,they plan to now conduct clinical trials in patients who are at very highrisk for breast cancer and in patients who have had a relapse after initialtreatment.

SoCoTussin

I called my mom tonight...exasperated with my coughing to the point of tears. My sweet old German mama says, "do you have any whiskey?" I seem to remember as a child being given teaspoonsful of whiskey mixed with honey when I couldn't stop coughing. Conveniently, it actually works. And not because it gets you drunk...sipping it loosens up those asthmatic lungs. Good to know. I'm gonna be an alkie tomorrow.

Sunshine-y Thoughts

I asked the Mandys to send me sunny thoughts. Mandyreen's reply?

1) Barry Manilow in a gold lamé thong
2) Richard Simmons eyeing Barry longingly
3) Both of them doing Sweating to the 70's Ballads

I'm sure Ricardo does a mean Mandy interpretative dance!

Yeah, my face is a bit more smiley :)

Happy Camper Anxiety

A meeting was held this morning to determine the future of Happy Camper. Right now, my boss is away finding out the results of that meeting. When she comes back, she will know the future of my job. For all I know, I could be asked to pack up and leave today. I'm just a teensy bit on edge. Anyone wanna buy me a drink?

Shout out to the L-Dawg

Linz is the most beautiful, most amazing person I have ever encountered. She is always there to help you with anything you need. She has the greatest circle of friends and you know if Linz loves em, you're going to love em, too. She introduced me to the only church where I've really felt at home, and makes me long to be back there with her tales of sermons and random adventures. Linz has a heart bigger than a two-trunked pink elephant and shares it with everyone who receives her smile. Sometimes she laughs when you cry, but only as she's hugging you and telling you how beautiful you are...she has true faith that all will be well so she offers up humor rather than pity. Linz shakes your world with excitement over what you used to think were the most mundane things. She gets you pumped up and laughing even when life has you curled up in the fetal position. Everyone needs a Linz. Few of us are lucky enough to have one. I am bless.

I miss you, Murl.

Check out Linzer's fantastic blog!

My sunny disposition

I just read over the past few blogs and realized how horribly depressed I sound. Well, that's cause I was when I wrote them, I guess. Things aren't going great with Happy Camper, but I have hope for what can happen now. And the boy and I are just fine and dandy. Just thought I'd let you know I hadn't crawled into a hole to die. The sun is shining and life gets better every day.

A good friend sent me this story and it made me smile during a period of frustration and confusion:

This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:

I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die. I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me." I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

"Their love is deeper than desire, than affection, than respect, so deep that its wellspring is humor. Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other."
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy

Not so happy camper

I have to find a new job. I'm very frustrated. Help.

What it's all about:

http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html

Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.

First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH

Screenname: How have you been?
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard

When you spiral down into an emotional pit, it's difficult to see the other side of things. Even when it only lasts a few days, it feels like things will at the best be numb for awhile. I felt like there was no resolution and I just had to wait it all out to let the emotions blow over. Who would have thought that one well spoken statement could change it all. Everything looks brighter, the pressure has lifted away from my chest a bit, and my eyes sure as hell don't hurt as much. It's amazing what a little communication--real communication--can do.

Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.

Happy Camper Frustrations

It’s already been a rough day. My boss called me in to ask me about my time sheet that I turned into her for payroll. She told me that we have to have discussions about events that I attend because I shouldn’t be getting paid for them. My understanding is that she was speaking for the board and not herself, but she told me that salaried employees were “volunteering” their time, so I should be, too. I pointed out that salaried employees get to leave for doctor appointments or car check ups or what not without taking a dock in their pay, so they make up for it by working after hours events occasionally and it all evens out. I, however, don’t get to leave, or be five minutes late, without taking a dock in my pay because my paycheck is based on what’s recorded on paper. Therefore, when I have to work events and such it is extra time, not part of a balance like it is with the salaried employees. I pointed out to her that when she and the program services manager were sick and stayed home from work, they didn’t take a dock in their pay, but I didn’t get paid at all for those hours I was gone. She said that salaried employees accrue sick time. I told her that I accrue sick time, too, but NONE of us get to take it until we’ve been here six months. They’ve both already taken some. She told me that the board discussion was simply that we had to talk about events and determine whether they would be volunteer events for me. I told her very frankly that I would not do them if they were volunteer events. She told me I didn’t need to get that way with her. I calmed a bit and said that it wasn’t about her, I was frustrated with the board, and that with the way they have been treating us lately I will not be doing volunteer work. I will gladly volunteer as a wishgranter, but I will not volunteer time that I’ve been getting paid for and that I should have as my sole job anyway. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but that I was very frustrated with the board. She told me that it wasn’t my job to worry about the board, she was doing that. Except that it’s everything about my life that it’s affecting. Anyway, I went back in a few minutes later and just apologized for getting defensive. She told me it was no problem, she didn’t blame me, and then we moved on to happier conversations and looking at pics of her husbands trip to Korea where he is right now.

I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?

I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*

I told him that he'd better go
'Cause I was crazy and impossible,
That my love was broken,
my dreams had run off wild.

Part of my job should NOT be protecting my company's from people trying to exploit us. There are so many small businesses out there, especially people who run their own start ups, that try to take advantage of the logo. They're trying to get us to do free publicity for them in exchange for a 10% donation. Seriously...when they only reason you're donating to us is to get something from us, the donation should be a little larger than that. Argh.

Greg's dad flew up from Tampa last weekend. -- Greg is the boyfriend. This is significant...I named the puppy (see Sweetest Thing), so it looks like I'll have to keep him now. :) -- Anyway, Greg's dad and stepmom flew up and we had a very cool visit. I played nice and they thought well of me. And you know it's an entertaining weekend when conversation surrounds the size of your boyfriend's sister's childhood turds.

The Mythbusters are testing the poodle in a microwave myth. Rock on, Mythbusters! Nuke that evil being!

So I've been browsing tall websites and feeling annoyed with the lack of clothing available. This is what I found:

A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com

Rock on.


On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm

Sad.

Today I found myself caught in one of the many "can't win" cycles of early adulthood. I want to be the new Director of Development. In order to get the promotion, I need to be able to look professional in the business community. To look professional, I need a professional wardrobe. Additions to a wardrobe cost money. To get money, I need a promotion. Yuck.

Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)

I have this absolutely incredible boyfriend and things are going so well...but none of you would know that for sure because I never write about him. I've discovered four main reasons:
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.

I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)