Men are idiots.

You all need to know that.

If you ask me if something is going on behind the last few blogs, I'm not going to reply. In fact, I'm not going to reply for a LONG time.

I explained the wedding dress and ring thing. Because of the mags. STOP reading into it. (this is here because I'm responding to more than one person, so if you're one of those people, don't be totally offended).

The bachelorette thing had to with the tv show.

I thought this was obvious.

If you knew me at ALL, you would understand that subjects can have nothing to do with deeper issues. You can take me at my word. Stop trying to read between the lines! If you are trying to read between the lines, you don't know me well enough to pry into deeper analyses anyway. So bugger off, dammit.

All said with a sweet smile, of course.


Am I a fool? a reality tv commentary

From the moment women were first able to choose to whom they would devote their lives, they have been faced with the decision that Meredith faced on the final episode of the Bachelorette. Every woman has asked the same question at some point in her life. Which is real? Which is more valuable? Security, warmth, adoration, fearlessness, calm, and everything you've ever thought you wanted; or passion, excitement, adventurousness, risk, and everything that makes you question all you've ever believed. Which will last a lifetime? Can they coexist in the same man? the same love?

Meredith followed her heart. She went for the passion, the excitement...she took the risk. It seems that maybe she found it all. Only she will know, and she may not know that for quite a long time.

What about the rest of us, though? We all want to believe that we can find everything we've ever wanted in that passionate exciting man. We want to believe the love that makes our toes curl will be the same love that holds our hands when we're wrinkled and gray. We want to believe it so badly that we take the risk on that unstable adventure in hopes that it will be what we've always wanted. We take the risk because movies, literature, songs, and television have all taught us that real love steals your breath away and makes it absolutely impossible to live without the other person. The media has drilled it into our hopeful heads that the passion will conquer all. We forget that Romeo and Juliet died before they had their first real tiff, Bogart watched his girl fly away from Casablanca, Anna Karenina threw herself onto the train tracks, and Cinderella never made an appearance after the wedding (until Disney's recent release of Cinderella 2, which surely has the Grimm brothers' rolling in their graves). We never see real love around us unless we're one of those few and far between who have real loving parents who stick it out and are still passionate and happy after three kids and a mortgage.

Not to discount that passion at all. Every woman, and man, most likely, understands the feeling of knowing a person who is everything she ever wanted but it still just doesn't seem right. Something doesn't click. With Meredith, this didn't seem to be the case. She made it very evident that she did not see a reason to end the relationship with either man, she simply HAD to make a choice. I wish Meredith all the best, and it is certainly not my intention to sound disrespectful of her decision. However, I fully believe that there comes a certain point when a woman learns that passion means many things. Passion doesn't have to come with instability or questions or incredible risk. "Safe" love comes with risks, too. Passion doesn't have to mean not being sure of where the other person stands or having mysteries abound in the relationship. Passion can be loving someone so deeply that you are willing to trust them to make adventures with you and breed excitement simply by the fact of being together.

Matthew "is" (based on my perception as a viewer who only saw what the producers wanted me to) a wonderful man, but I think that is probably one of the worst things a man can hear from a woman he loves when he's unsure of where he stands. You know something has to follow it. When you love a man deeply, you don't need to tell him how wonderful he is...he knows by your devotion, he hears it every time you say "I love you," and he feels it every time you touch him.

I think Matthew is so much more than that. He cared enough about Meredith to keep his concerns to himself. She had enough on her plate, and he refused to add to the complexity. He knew she was having a hard time, but rather than make a big deal out of it, he chose to offer her a time of fun and security without worries. Matthew didn't need to discuss it all with Meredith; he simply trusted her decision. He didn't need to input his own thoughts. He knew it was ultimately up to her and what she felt.

After Meredith told Matthew that she had fallen in love with Ian, Matt proved himself even more of the wonderful man he'd shown himself to be throughout the entire ordeal. He displayed a shining example of true class and respect for women, and Meredith inparticular. Matthew knew Meredith had made her decision, so he showed only love for her and went so far as to comfort HER when SHE broke his heart.

Matthew put his heart on the line every time he saw Meredith. He never held back, and he trusted it all to work out as was meant. In the limo Matthew asked the question we all ask when we've put our hearts on the line and had them dashed at our feet..."Am I a fool?"
I would like to say something to Matthew:
Are you a fool? Perhaps. But would you even question that at all had she chosen you? Not a chance. So many of us are so desparate for love that we've thrown our hearts out there and watched them trampled...and so many of us have become cynical. You stand out among men in so many ways for so many reasons. Please don't let this make you cynical. Hold back for a bit, protect yourself, but know that there are women out there who are searching for you. I mean, c'mon...we all know most of the guys have received myriad wedding propositions already. Know that putting your heart out there is the only thing that will allow you to find real love. You will find it.

Meredith said she had stronger feelings for someone else and that was the ONLY reason she didn't choose Matthew. I call those stronger NOW feelings. Perhaps Meredith found it all. I repeat myself now by asking again, can passion and security coexist? Can we really have it all? Maybe Meredith does...again, we won't know. Most of us look for all of it right away, and we say those feelings of passion and excitement are stronger, so we go for those. I think yes, we CAN have it all...but it doesn't all come at once. When you find someone who offers you love, safety, understanding, comfort, and everything else you've ever wanted, you already feel a kind of passion for them...you can create the rest.

Hell, Matthew, I'll marry you. Even without that great big diamond. :) I'm sure a million girls out here would say the same.

I say I would because I know what I want, and I think I know how to get it.

I want it all.


So the wedding dress put me in the mood. I was discussing engagement rings with a friend when he asked what style I would like. I said I was fairly simple and wanted either a large solitaire or a slightly smaller round diamond with princess cuts on the side. He told me he thought I should go for something bigger so I decided to play around on the net.

So yeah, now I've decided I have to marry a rich boy. Only because he won't be rich by the time the wedding is over.

For anyone interested...just about anything on this site will do, but I think this beautiful art deco ring is THE ONE. In ten minutes I'm sure I'll have five more to add, but we'll keep it at this one for now. :)

So I've found THE dress and THE ring. Damn it all for having to have a man involved. Geez.


So at BN we get strips of the mags, and it's bridal season. That means I get to take home all kinds of fun wedding magazines right now. So I always flip through and I always think the dresses are normal or too frou frou or not frou frou enough and I never find anything I like.

I finally found my wedding dress.

This one only works really if I do the beach wedding, which I'd like to do...be it outside of San Fran or in the Caribbean or in the Meditteranean or whatever...this one is perfect. Just had to share.
Last night every woman in America lost some of their closest friends. I never really believed that a television show could mean quite so much until the conclusion of Sex and the City. It sounds silly, but because every woman is Carrie, and every woman has parts of Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte within her, these archetypes have served as a model for that ideal group of friends we all wish we had, unless of course we're lucky enough to have found it.

We have not been voyeurs in the lives of these women--we have been participants. Because Carrie narrated to us as things happened, because she asked so many questions rather than only giving answers, we have all become involved in this collection of amazing friendships. We have desired these bonds, we've felt this love, and we strive to maintain these in our hectic lives, so we feel that for a half an hour every Sunday night we're just one of these girls.

We've feared with Miranda and played men with Samantha. We've rejoiced with Charlotte, and cried, and rejoiced again. With Carrie we've fallen in love, been needy, hated men, and searched for all the answers. As the characters questioned their own lives, so did we. We found these answers within ourselves.

The last episode was not about each of the women finding love. The last episode was about each of the women finding themselves and letting themselves be truly loved for all that they are. Yeah, some of it was dependent on the guys--Big made quite the effort (finally) and Smith is the man of all of our dreams--but none of that could have happened without the women's quest for answers within themselves.

Samantha finally admitted that she wanted real love, that she wanted more than sex, and she finally accepted Smith's efforts at a real relationship.

Charlotte finally found her happy ending. He wasn't tall, dark, and handsome, but short, bald, and Jewish started looking pretty good to her. The baby wasn't hers and wasn't the perfect little blonde prep school kid, but that beautiful little girl from China would be their daughter.

Miranda found herself capable of real, truly deep love in a house in Brooklyn with a real family. The single cynical lawyer found herself bathing her mother-in-law. She had a family.

And Carrie. Carrie stopped looking for the archetype. She stopped waiting for that guy who would come rescue her and whisk her away from it all. When one whisked her off to Paris, she left him to go back. When Big came to rescue her, she tripped him. She took Big out of the archetype and made him real. Made him part of her life instead of something that would take her out of her life.

Sex and the City taught us a bit about New York, a bit more about designer shoes, a little about love, a lot about sex, and a whole heck of a lot about real friendship. Most of all, though, it taught us how to ask the right questions and find the answers within our hearts. Sex and the City taught us about ourselves.


I went to court. it sucked a major bearded billygoatass (we have
stuffed goats at bn, by the way).

I waited 3 hours to appear before the judge for 3 minutes. I got a
$150 fine plus $70 court costs. This would be okay except that a) I
could have prevented it if I hadn't been such a dumbass and had actually called to make sure my check had been received and b) if there weren't other people with much worse offenses who got off paying less money.

First of all...everyone in friggin hickville missouri (known technically as Houston, population 1,971, county seat of Texas county (cute with the houston, tx, thing, huh?)) is really poor, unemployed, drunk, pot smoking, and completely uneducated. The judge absolutely did not feel sorry for me at all. He was very nice and we chatted a bit, but I was there in my black pants and button down shirt while everyone else was in holy jeans and torn tshirts. Didn't really help me with the not being able to pay the fine look. Also, everyone knew each other. Not like small town know each other, but like small jailhouse knew each other. One person would get up and during their statement would put in a "good word" for a case that had already been before the court. Funny shit.

Second...there were a bazillion pot and dwi cases. That's normal.
Most people who did either of those got some kind of probation and a
2 or 3 hundred dollar fine. However, there were two marijuana
possession cases that only got a $50 fine, and four dwi cases that
got an $80.50 fine. How is that fair? All I friggin did was fuck up
the speeding ticket payment and I have to pay a hell of a lot more
than that. No matter people drive drunk all the friggin
time...nobody gives a shit out here. I mean, I know when there are
only two people in the town it's not as big of a deal, but tractors
do more damage than cars so it should balance out, right?

Anyway, my record is cool, the drivers license points are down to 2,
the judge was amazed that I had everything in the order I did, and i
just owe a shitload of money. Will not be a speed demon anytime in
the near future. Bah.


I'm sick. I've been sick. Ugh. Already missed two days of work. NOT FUN! Blah.


I have to go to court on Wednesday. I've never gone to court. I'm terrified. Ack!

Back in the fall I got a speeding ticket in Kansas City. It didn't have a fine on it so I waited for a letter. I got the letter wayyy later with an additional late fee on it. Yeah, my fault for not calling, but whatever. So I paid the ticket and the late fee. I paid it a few days too late, however, because I got another letter telling me that they had suspended my drivers license. No biggie, the way to fix it is to pay the ticket and a 20 dollar fee, so I sent in the 20 dollar fee to Jeff City and thought all was good. Well, on the way to Memphis in January I got pulled over for speeding (yeah, lead foot, I know) and the cop told me I still had a suspended driver's license. I told him I had paid it, he told me he believed me and wouldn't charge me the $500 bond I'm supposed to pay and let me go. He told me I could call the prosecuting attorney and take care of it and it wouldn't be a big deal. So I paid the speeding ticket and called the prosecuting attorney. They were evil and mean to me and told me they couldn't help me and that I had to call Dep of Revenue. So I called Dep of Revenue and they told me they couldn't help me and to call the prosecuting attorney.

I need a machete. (bonus points to any non mandys who know that reference)

So I basically pleaded with DOR and she went and checked on some things and told me that basically she showed proof that I had paid the ticket and then she had somethign that showed I sent a payment for a fee (probably the 20 bucks) but that it was considered unidentifiable payment because my DL number wasn't on it and they sent it back to me. (Unsure how it was unidentifiable AND identified as mine, but whatevs). However, I never received this letter. So anyway, she's having a letter sent to my house to show that I DID send in the payment LONG before the cop pulled me over. Also, I have to go pay the $20 AGAIN and take it to the DMV to get a letter that shows my DL is reinstated. So I'm thinking, okay, I can send in the letter, the ticket, and the fine of $80.50 for driving without a valid drivers license and not have to deal with taking off work, driving to the middle of nowhere in hillbillyville faraway and paying outrageous court costs and all. But today I called to find out what all needed to be sent with the fine and the nice person that answered the phone (as opposed to evil one I talked with many times earlier) told me that I had to appear in court no matter what. So now I have to take off work Wednesday, lose the pay for that day, piss off my bosses, drive to Hickville (as if I'm not already in it), appear in court (scary), and do whatever they tell me to do. I am absolutely terrified. Hair-pulling, fingernail-biting stressed out and absolutely positively terrified. What if I don't have the money? Can they put me in jail? Ack! I have no clue what to do. Someone tell me it's going to be okay. Someone give me advice. Someone tell me they've been through this and it's not a big deal. Someone give me a shot of valium or something. Geez. Help.


I'm a dork.

So Mom and I NEVER use the front door. It's too much of a hike up the stairs for her and I just kind of adapted to using the back as well. Today the cable guy came to the front door, and when we stepped onto the porch we found a package. Jean had sent me stuff from Mexico back before Christmas, and I just NOW got it. I'm surprised it was still out there.

SOOOOO nice to get a package when you aren't expecting it, though. :) Woo hoo!
Thursday night I went out with Corey and another chick from work to watch one of our managers play in his band. It was fun, but after awhile we decided to head over to the piano bar instead. So Corey and I get up and salsa (he's a fab dancer, by the way...one of the few guys who could actually lead with me) and all of a sudden everyone sits down and there's a huge spotlight in my face. The guy tells me to come up on stage and he makes a lot of comments about me being tall and him thinking I was hot and just generic stuff. Then he tells me he just wanted to dance with me and dances with his head shoved into my chest, basically, for a few minutes. Eventually he tells me I can go sit down and he says something about what he'd do if he could go home with me because of the long legs, blah blah.

So THEN, this girl comes up and sits down next to me with her boyfriend and says she has an odd question. She tells me they've been wanting to do a threesome and she thinks I'm hot and wondered if I would do it with her. I seriously just said wow like 8 times before I could muster up a reply.

That's a new one on me. Never been invited to do a threesome. Corey got all cute and offended because he thought they'd think we were together. Attempted comfort by telling him they could tell he was gay b/c he was such a good dresser and dancer. All in all, it was a very good night. :)

Apparently now at work people are going around singing the three's company theme song. :)


Sincere apologies to all those who put up with my drunk self last night. Many thanks!


*sigh* Carolina lost on a field goal. Couldn't ol' Vit boy miss that one? Geez.

On a more positive note...I'm the stage manager for the Wash U Relay For Life! Tres excited! Woo hoo!
In direct opposition to the last post, I woke up at 7am today. What the hell? Who wakes up at 7 on a Sunday when they have nothing they have to do all day? Def. not me. Strange happenings.