Break Ups Suck

Most break-ups are some form of "you hurt me", "i hate you", or the ever useful "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Those can be dealt with. The hurt ones make you feel betrayed and untrusting for awhile. The hate ones make you feel angry. The the I'm not in love with yous make you feel betrayed or guilty, depending on which party you are. You get to feel an appropriate emotion toward the other person that helps you get over it.

But what happens if you still really love someone, and you've just learned that it isn't going to work? How do you deal with it when you love someone so much that you're willing to reevaluate your needs and passions, but you learn that love isn't always enough. Fact is...love doesn't conquer all. Love can make you go a long way toward trying, but there's got to be some major strength of character, flexibility, and willingness to completely change a personality to make it work sometimes. And personality changes? Those are definitely a bad idea...unless of course you're going for the dissociative identity disorder appeal.

Of course some of you might say, if it's not going to work, you must not love each other enough...or maybe that if the personalities are so different, you shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place.

I disagree. Some people come along at times in your life when you think you're ready for a change...and maybe you feel like they have a way of doing things that could work for you. Once you get there, though, you realize that you had to try something new, but then you have to balance it back out with how you were before so that you can accumulate through your life rather than changing from phase to phase. Hopefully, they can adopt some of your ways and you can reach a happy give and take that lets you move forward in your life together. Sometimes, however, you shock the hell out of that person by trying to balance back toward your old ways and it just doesn't work. Maybe they've met someone like you before...maybe they've tried your ways. Maybe they're trying now, but it's just not who they are.

You've changed for them, you think, so why can't they change a bit for me? BUt you have to realize you are asking someone to change their personality for you. You offered, you adapted, but just because you did doesn't mean they are able to. And did you really adapt all that much anyway? You can't be too sure. Introspection is never objective.

So one day you're having a conversation that epitomizes your constant clash of personalities and values. All of a sudden, you see yourself as adults, with children, with real responsibilities...trying to figure it all out. If you're trying to change each other now...if these little things are such a big deal every single time they come up...how on earth are you going to handle it when it's the big things?

You see yourself never changing. You see yourself losing sight of your values and your dreams because you've had to adapt just a little too much. You know that you've done the same to this person who is supposed to be your love. You love this person so much you can't let go, but you finally realize that you will never be yourself, never be understood, never understand, and never be truly happy if you keep expecting changes that should never have to be made.

So you end it. You cry. You try to deal with your broken heart without anger or blame or guilt because none of that really fits here. You try to move towards friends, but you still have so much love. You know it's for the best. You know one day you'll be friends. And you know you will always love each other.

My love for you will never change.

1 comment:

Linz said...

Oh man Mo.. you should download and listen to this guy talk about this very subject... http://www.greentreewebster.org/Sermons.htm the marriage ones and the one on "gospel friendship" are amazing.