the last time I flew to Hawaii

Three years ago I left these monkeys for the first time. I had adopted them in fall, had back surgery in March, and spent all of spring and summer in bed watching them. That is, when I wasn't in physical therapy. The trip would be a test. Was I ready to travel again? Could I do a hike? Could I dive? Maybe even surf? I had no idea. And these cuties were less than a year old when I left them on their own for 3 weeks. 

I had planned the trip because I was starting a new job at a new company, and I wanted to spend some time with my mom and get in a few beach days before I really put my head back into my career. I went home and had an amazing week with my mom, and then went to Kona with my best friend, and then to Kauai on my own. I even delayed my return a couple of days because I was so happy there. 

As I played with the kittens today before I left for Kauai once again, I thought about how much they've grown, and how far I've come. In my last job, I wouldn't have taken this trip. I wouldn't have felt like I was allowed to leave during a go-live, regardless of the circumstances. Any issues arising during testing (as they always do and definitely did this week) would have made me change my flight. Both my company's strong work-life balance and my priorities as I've matured helped this one along. I'm thankful for that change.

I'm also thankful that this time I won't be in Kauai alone. My friend is joining me so we can have some one on one adventure time before she starts a family. I'll cherish every moment.

I'll even be diving with the same folks that took me out last time. I can't wait to see more of this beautiful area.

One thing is a pretty big change, though. Last time I went, I went home first. My mom was mostly pretty healthy. We went to dinners, I took her to feed the lions and tigers at a local sanctuary, and we even found the old creek where she and my dad used to take me as a baby. It was on private property now, but that didn't stop us. That trip was the last time I saw my mom walk. It was the last time I saw her stand. It was the last time I saw her in her own home. It was the last time I saw her as the independent woman I knew her to be. 

Only three weeks into my new job, I got a phone call that pulled me out of my new company's big quarterly gathering, made me miss a close friend's wedding, and led me to take 12 weeks off of work over my first 6 months. My mom died in February, and it was at least this time that next year before I was even functional again. I didn't travel for quite some time. 

I used to travel a lot. First it was because I was lucky enough to have a partner who traveled and showed me that it was something worth prioritizing. And then because my work took me to exotic places. Long plane rides, getting through TSA, and status (oh how I miss my 100K!) were the norm. Last year I went to Mexico, but that doesn't seem like traveling, really. This year, though, I struck my travel bug again with my trip to South Africa, Namibia, and Germany. I grew in the three weeks I was away in a way you just can't when you're at home. 

And so right now, I sit in the airport lounge. My flight is delayed, but I love being here in the airport. There are fires and disasters with my client and even at my company that would normally have me so stressed out I wouldn't feel good about leaving. And I'm so extremely happy. 

I'm about to get on a plane to go to a place I know and I don't. I'll see some things I haven't seen before. I'll have some new adventures. And I'll do most of it with one of the people I love most in this world. 

I feel a little bad about leaving these adorable kittens at home. I feel pretty guilty about leaving my team when there are bugs that need to be fixed and people need a leader to guide them to launch. But what I know now is that any day, any time, no matter how much you plan for it, you can get a call that changes everything. As much as those of us who plan for a living want to plan, we can't plan for everything. There's no such thing as contingency in life. 

So I'm excited to get on that plane, even if it means handling a few disasters from the beach. As long as I can do it with a pina colada in hand while the waves splash against my feet.

Life Cycles

Two years ago today I sat in a large room that was made up to look artificially cozy. I bought a casket for my favorite person in the whole world on her birthday.

I also thought about how the funeral industry could really use better sales technology, but they probably won't invest in it because they don't need to.

Last year, my amazing friends made sure I was surrounded with love and tolerated me taking lobsters out of their tank.

Today, my friends will eat German food with me to keep me distracted from the fact that caskets should not be birthday presents.

It's a hell of a day, but I've got some amazing friends.

rainbows

There's nothing like the smell of the trees after a really big thunderstorm. Lighting and thunder are not rare in southern Missouri. It's one of the things I miss most being in California.

I associated storms with my dad, but recently I've realized I was only thinking about part of the memory. Every time the skies turned grey, my dad would go out on our front porch. We lived on a VERY steep hill which afforded us a nice view from the front.

the hill is a whole lot steeper than it looks from the road below

When a storm came in, my dad used to stand on the porch to watch the valley below and the hills beyond. And of course I would join him. We'd leave the screen door open so Mom could fill us in on whatever the news was saying - just in case a tornado was coming, although Dad usually called it before it made it to TV. Standing on the porch watching storms, watching my dad watching storms, is as much a part of my childhood as school or summer road trips. Mom would prep the indoors, gathering the candles and flashlights, while we observed the conditions.

If you've never smelled a thunderstorm, you're missing out. There's something incredible about the way the air changes just before the wind comes in. This is especially true when there's a tornado, but we'll save that for another time. Both of my parents loved that smell. I had thought only of my dad on the front porch watching the clouds for so long, but recently I remembered something else.

After every storm that happened during the day, Mama would take me out to the backyard. Through the pinkish tinge of the sky that happens after a daytime thunderstorm, Mom and I would hunt for rainbows. If we saw even the faintest tinge of one, or if it looked like there might be one on the other side of the hill, she'd pack up the truck so we could all chase it. If we couldn't find one, the answer was always that we just couldn't quite see it from where we were standing.

My mom's endless search for rainbows taught me to never be scared of the storm. Every time it rained during the day my first thought was, 'I wonder where the rainbow will be!' I don't know if she did that for me, or if it was just part of who she was - I'd like to believe it was a little of both. What I know is I spent hours in my backyard and in my dad's truck hunting rainbows. I always knew they were the reward that came after a great storm.

~~~~~

In February of this year my incredible chosen family helped me honor the anniversary of my mom's death by celebrating her birthday at her favorite restaurant. Back home, there aren't a ton of options for great food, and Mom's all time favorite was Red Lobster. We decided to go the Sacramento location and make a long Tahoe weekend out of it, which turned out to be exactly what I needed.

You see, after Mom died, I got pneumonia. It gave me the perfect excuse to stay in bed all day for a couple of weeks sleeping and ignoring the world around me. I was too sick to let the grief really sink in. I lay in bed, and I cried - but I never could quite acknowledge whether it was from sadness or from sheer sickness and exhaustion from coughing. So I just existed in my bed. For almost a month.

I pulled myself together just enough to interview with a client who was doing something pretty spectacular. They were looking at ways to better monitor the long term health of clinical trial patients to eventually reduce the ill effects of chemotherapy. It was a little too close to home - Mom had died from long-term complications caused by her chemotherapy and radiation years earlier - but it was the only kind of work I was really capable of doing.

I dove in to my project, and I loved it. I loved my account team, and I started leading some efforts there. I took on a leadership role in our charitable organization. I let my work life fill up all the emptiness I was feeling everywhere else.

As the one year anniversary of Mom's death and her birthday (only 5 days apart) rolled around, I found myself starting to relax and let myself feel a little more. My project was under control, and I had such an amazing support network - we were building up to this 5 day break that was all about my mom - I felt safe.

So I let it all in.

Turns out, it was a little more than I could handle. Once the emotions really start flooding in, it's difficult to control the aperture. The anniversary was Feb 12, and we were celebrating on Feb 17, with a 4 day stint in Tahoe afterward to let me get my bearings. Once we had the date planned, I started letting go. By New Year's I had realized I didn't want to be in the relationship I was in at the time, by January I had pretty much stopped sleeping altogether, and by February I stopped pretending to be okay. On February 12, my best friend and I shared an amazing German dinner in honor of Mama, in which we told stories and showed pictures to our incredible bar manager - who made sure I had plenty of Underberg.

Underberg lets you keep eating (or drinking) after all that heavy food

In those final days before the birthday celebration, I let myself go completely. I couldn't think about anything else. I couldn't sleep for more than half an hour at a time. I wrote a lot - some that I posted here and some that will never see eyes other than mine. But on Mom's birthday, my incredible chosen family - even those who could only join by phone - spent an evening with me that I will never forget. What I will always ALWAYS know, is that I am so blessed to be loved by amazing people. And in true Mom fashion, the evidence is in how much they ate!

this was only half the table

They even supported me grabbing a lobster from the tank without staff seeing!

I can hear my mom's laugh now

A couple of us stayed up until 4 or 5 in the morning talking. Just loving each other. I was so thankful because there was no way I was going to fall asleep. But I did. And the next morning we all got into our cars to drive to Tahoe. I had made it clear I wanted to drive alone. I needed to drive alone. I wanted a couple of hours to myself before the weekend with everyone else. I needed some time to talk to Mama. I left just a little before everyone else. As soon as I got onto 80, this is the first thing I saw.

rainbows never really come out as bright in pictures

This doesn't happen often, but I actually had to pull over because I was both crying and laughing so hard I couldn't really see the road properly. It was just too. damn. perfect.

~~~~~~

I don't know if I believe in an afterlife. I definitely don't think people who die sit around trying to talk to us. I spent several months after my mom died wishing I could talk to her. Wishing so hard I could believe in talking to her. I even tried. I tried some form of prayer - just talking out loud, or even in my head - but I always knew it was bullshit.

I talked to several people about this, and had one who I trust a great deal tell me that she felt very strongly that my Mom was present in some moments. Not hanging around, not some spirit trying to communicate, just present in some moments. I've tried to believe that.

I believe Mama is here because she lives within me. I believe her presence is in my mannerisms, my memories, and the things she has shaped in my behavior. I believe that's how I connect with her. When I break out one of her laughs - her signature deep-voiced "heh heh heh"- I used to cringe, and now I smile with pride. I frequently give myself the terrible relationship advice she would have given me before ignoring it as I always would have. I often look in the mirror and judge myself, and then find myself seeing the beautiful woman my mom was so proud to have raised.

My mom is here now because when I look at this picture of her making this crazy smile, I recall about a thousand pictures of me making that silly over exaggerated smile.

when I make that face I'm usually at least 3 drinks in

My mom lives now because she lives through me.

But for her to be some OTHER thing that can communicate with me? That's absurd.

~~~~~~

So when this rainbow popped up on the highway, I actually thought in my head, "Mama?"

I pushed that away pretty quickly. I did try to talk to her. I stopped myself because it felt stupid, but I spent my hours on the road grieving and celebrating all that I could. By the time I got to Tahoe, the rainbow and the friends had given me this calm hope. I no longer needed to grieve or recover. I spent the next few days enjoying my time and moved on pretty quickly.

As soon as the weekend was over, I switched right back into "normal" mode. We had a couple months left of snow, and then had plans for a pretty epic Tahoe summer. My best friend was getting married and I was planning the bachelorette party. I was selling a new project to a client and delving into fun work stuff. And baseball was starting! Life had so many distractions to offer me!

It really was an epic summer.

And then about 3 weeks ago it started to fall apart. Tahoe summer ended. The wedding was over and all the people went home. And the last straw? The Cardinals lost. And then the Giants. So baseball was over. (I promise there's a post coming about why that matters so much!)

Without those distractions, whatever I'd been feeling before that weekend in February started to settle back in. It really felt (feels?) as if I let myself get swept up in distractions to avoid everything and now that those aren't around I'm finally coming back to the way I felt before that weekend in Tahoe.

I know it was silly to think I could put a cap on my grief in the first place. I know it doesn't work that way. I also know I didn't plan for all the major fun things that had been keeping me excited since then to disappear at the same time.

So things have been a little harder lately. I'm a little more tired than usual. Being social takes more energy. I'm not as focused. I'm not as sure about all of my decisions. And I haven't been feeling great about any of that.

But this past Sunday morning I woke in Tahoe and I stepped outside and I saw a rainbow that felt like it was shooting right of the ground in front of me. I know that doesn't really mean anything other than what I take from it. I know what I'm taking from it, though, is that whatever I'm feeling right now is okay. It's part of the process. The choices I'm making now are good, they are solid - because they are grounded in love and pain and wisdom and hope. I know there's a rainbow waiting on the other end of the storms, and that's only part of what makes them beautiful.

But my first thought, with no hesitation, was...

"Thanks, Mama."

That's Got to Feel Good!

Congratulations to Asa on being cleared of all charges!

Charges Dropped on ABC Reporter

Eye On Alums

A college friend is making major headlines. Anyone catch the story about the ABC reporter pushed into the street and then arrested by Denver police at the Democratic Convention? Yes, that would be the one and only Asa Eslocker, of Wash U fame. Can't wait to see this written up in the Washington University Magazine.



watch the Video

free Asa on Facebook

read the story at ABC, TMZ, ET, Variety, Gawker, or your very own favorite news source

read the satirical account

Rock on, Asa!

Let It Out

Okay, so admittedly, I watch too much TV. The thing is, though, I rarely see commercials because we watch everything on DVR. It's odd, then, that one of my favorite commercials as of late would end up being such a big deal.

If you watch tv, and if you ever watch without bleeping through the ads, you may very well have seen the recent Kleenex campaign. I like it because it's sweet, and because it seems to be indicative of the state of our country during Iraq and Katrina recovery.

The ads take place in a city, with a person sitting on a chair just listening to people. The people are random city dwellers who sit, talk, rant, lie down, and cry during these mini therapy sessions. The song playing in background persuades consumers to "Let It Out". Life is tough, Kleenex will be there for you when you need to bawl some of that emotion out.

Turns out, that song is from a band called Starr Fadu. Starr Fadu is important because they are a Christian rock band from Springfield, MO, and one of the members is none other than my good friend and first boyfriend ever (he held hands so well and I broke up with him mostly because he was a smelly boy) Dave.

Anyway, there are sooo many cool places where this is popping up now. Check it out:

Kleenex commercials and StarrFadu songs and info: Starr Fadu MySpace Page

Starr Fadu's Website

Send an "I love everything about you" card from Hallmark with "Let It Out" in the background.

Congratulations, Guys!!!!!

Vote for Janet!!!!

This LOVELY Girl wants to be the next radio personality on her local station in Denver.


YOU can help make that happen.


Please go to the station page and vote for Janet Blair!



Thank you!!!!!



btw...Jan just happens to have known me since we were 5, so if you help her out she just might offer some embarrassing stories in return.

Celebrity Friends

Oh, Meeshy Meesh!

I bow to you and your expertise on international travel trends!

"We have seen a noticeable decline in traveller numbers in the past five years," says Michelle Grant, a research manager for Euromonitor International, a business research group that monitors trends in domestic and international travel.

Read the whole article here.

Things That Are Hard To Do #1

Back in high school one of the people closest to me in my life was diagnosed with ALS. My basketball coach/hero/perfect family man role model started experiencing some problems controlling his arms and later found out he had Lou Gehrig's disease. In the years since, he has been confined to a bed and lost all but blinking motions and sharpness of mind. This amazing man gave everything to everyone in his community, and for awhile, everyone gave back. The school sponsored a trip to Disney, others helped him go hang out with his kids at a ranch in Texas, he got to meet his baseball heroes and Micheal Jordan. The last time I saw him I had a very difficult time sitting on the bed next to him talking and watching him not be able to respond or ask me questions. I tried really hard to forget, I think, and waited uneasily for the phone call that would tell me that the 5 year life sentence he'd been handed had finally expired. Well, it's been at least 2 years now since I last visited him, and 8 since he was diagnosed, and I read somewhere on the internet that his full time nursing staff would accept phone calls and relay a message to him. So today I called.

I was completely unprepared to talk to him. I updated him on everything I could before I got stupid and awkward and he signaled to the nurse I was finished. It was ridiculous. I couldn't even be strong for 10 minutes. The biggest part of me was just fighting my anger at his wife for moving out of his home and taking her children with her. Part of me understands, but another part of me is irate that she could give up on him. Perhaps she made the best choice for her children. I won't understand unless I'm in that situation, but it kills me that anyone could abandon this incredible person. Maybe that's not the case at all. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions...but all I wanted to do during that conversation was cry and hug him as hard as I could.

I feel that I'm a horrible person for allowing myself to feel any pain in this. Like, what's actually affecting me life? I feel guilty for not talking longer. I feel guilty for not being there. Back in college I wrote papers on ALS and thought maybe I'd even go into research on it. Now it rarely crosses my mind.

So perhaps this is my little bit of outreach. Please, please, please take a moment to read a little about ALS. Take a moment to think about how lucky you are to be able to move around and get out of bed. Take a moment to imagine what it would be like to be trapped in a dying body you couldn't use, but still be able to think as clearly as you do today. And take a moment to spread a little bit of love...with a smile, a touch, a nice word....

Be thankful.

Why Tall Chicks Rock Reason #1

I'm starting with 1 because I think I'm actually going to keep this list. :)

We provide shade in sunny places.

What is a Mandy?

Yeah, like I'm gonna give you the whole story.

So a friend went to Urban Dictionary for the answer.
UD has 23 definitions.

This is my favorite:
Kick ass amazing cool as fuck girl

And this is the closest to the truth (get your mind out of the gutter):
She came and she gave without taking.
But he sent her away.

Just when I had found renewed hope in meeting cool people and making some friends while I'm home for the summer (due to Jordan's coolness and ability to actually talk without complaining), I met Angela. Angela is one of the cave people who never shows up to work. She's closer to my age than the other kids, so I was looking forward to getting to know her. The first three things I noticed about Angela: She's beautiful. She's almost always smiling. And she has the worst smell I have ever encountered emanating from somewhere within that little body. Apparently everyone else stays away from her because of her "bad breath." I'm not sure bad breath covers this one, though. I didn't realize breath could smell THAT bad. And what do you do? You can't offer a breathmint...it wouldn't touch that smell. So I spent six hours trapped in a cave with the worst smell ever. Poor girl. If she wasn't so damned annoying I'd feel really bad for her. So much for making good friends of all the new coworkers.

On that note, starting very soon I will have a new set of coworkers with which to become friends. :) The manager at Barnes & Noble called today and is having me go in tomorrow so we can set up hours. He didn't ask for an interview or tell me I had a job, he just said he wanted to set up the hours for me to work. Must have impressed him in our first conversation when I applied. :) So yay for me. I get to work in a bookstore again...assuming he can deal with my hours anyway. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

"Do you know God?"
"Yes"
"Have you seen him today?"
"No"
"Damn"

Cave Tales

My new job as a photographer down in the cave at Silver Dollar City is going pretty dern well. Outside of the fact that my accent has increased to full hillbilly mode, anyway. The cave is cold, dark, but filled with cool things like bats and fun people. Because I am totally exhausted after I work ten hours a day with an hour commute each way and multiple trips through the cave of 700 stairs, my life now consists of cave and home. Fortunately, the cave is rather entertaining. Here are a few bits and pieces from my day:

Jordan, the intelligent and witty 19 yr-old girl who trained me, told me in defense of herself today, "Really, I'm generally pretty much a jackass." Not a good person, but a jackass. Self-proclaimed. :) It was defense because she thought people should know that by now and not take her seriously.

An example of her jackassiness:
Okay, so the cave is cold. It's about 56 degrees where I work and there's lots of dripping water. There are signs that tell you it's cold. Regardless, people still go on the water rides at Silver Dollar City, then come into the cave soaking wet.
A very skinny girl wearing a very skimpy tank top and shirts walks in on a tour and acts like she doesn't want to be there the entire time. As her family poses for pictures, she makes it very clear that she is too good for this cave. She says to Jordan, "I'm so cold," as if it's Jordan's fault and she should somehow fix it. Jordan looks her straight in the face with a huge smile and says, "Well, the next room isn't quite as cool, so you should warm up when you get there. If you don't, you'll know the cold is buried deep in your soul and it will eat away at you until it brings you to your bitter death. Say cheese!" And goes the camera.

Yep, that's Jordan.

I followed a tour out today that had two little girls, approximately ages 6 and 11, with their parents. upon being told to hush because she yelled, the older girl said she liked the echo. "Where's the echo?" asked the little girl, hesitantly. The father told her it was all around them. The little girl then covers her head and proceeds begrudgingly through the tunnel with a horrified look on her face. Her father asked her what was wrong, and she told him that she was afraid of the echo. When asked why, she said, "because they bite." The best part...the parents didn't explain that echos were not bats.

Best story...an obnoxious boy hangs back at the end of the tour without his parents and won't stop asking me questions long enough to catch up to the group. We go past a tarp that's covering work being done on a water pump in the bottom of the cave and he asks what it is. I tell him, in a very suspicious tone, of course, that he wasn't supposed to see that, and ask him to walk forward. As all boys would, he asks again and begs me to tell him, promising that he won't tell anybody. So I told him that under that tarp is the body of a boy who got stuck in the cave last night because his tour group left him. The bats attacked him and caused him to fall to his death. We weren't allowed to move the body until his parents were identified, so we just covered him with a tarp.
Yeah, that shut him up for the rest of the tour.
Was even more fun when, later on, I pointed up, "Look, there's a nest of bats!"

So, the job is fun. :)