Reminder that I live in a City

On my way home yesterday I passed a small group of kids (kids = probably academy of art students) putting a box onto the edge of the street. One girl yelled, "don't tip it over, just set it down!"

Then the group yelled, "C'mon Charlie!" and a giant rat wiggled its way out and onto the road.

All I could think was, that's a terrible place to let a rat go - he's going to get run over.

Hope you made it, Charlie.

Smiley Bits 11.21.13

The families from Honey Boo Boo and Cake Boss went on Family Feud. Some lovely person put it up on youtube. My day is made.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25kEy0dIKFQ

Lost in Translation

After a long day in the factory in Penang, I was eager to get back to the island (and my beautiful hotel). I frequently get the same drivers, which means that the long taxi ride is full of conversation, questions, and misunderstandings. While I enjoy this most of the time, some days I just want to hole up and fade out - especially when traffic makes the drive take almost 2 hours.

This day I was thankful to have a van all to myself with a driver who didn't speak much and had left an American movie playing on the abnormally large tv inside the van. I relaxed and settled in for what promised to be an amusing b-movie that was basically Jaws meets the Bayou. 

Swamp Shark was entertaining enough on its own (check out the trailer). It stars Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy!!!), was retitled in Japan as Frying Jaws, and features my favorite tag line, "Fresh water. Fresh meat." The best part, though, was that my driver had the volume up and the subtitles turned on. The subtitles were in English, but had pretty clearly been translated into Malay, and then back into English. The result was the most I've laughed on one of these trips. 

Verbal: "Go to Hell" 

Subtitle: "Fuck you"

Verbal: "Get off the wheel!"

Subtitle: "Let go of steering!"

Verbal: "He just got in the way"

Subtitle: "He walked in the road"

In response to, "Are you ready?"

Verbal: "As ready as I'm gonna be"

Subtitle: "To the extent possible"

Verbal: "I gotta lock up"

Subtitle: "I must conclude"

In response to a question he didn't know the answer to:

Verbal: "You got me"

Subtitle: "I ask myself the same question"

Verbal: "Oh God!"

Subtitle: "Jasses"

Yes, Jasses. 

I now have a strong affection for this movie. Might just have to by myself a copy. Wonder if I can find a copy here with the crazy subtitles. I'll host a screening back in SF :)

Update:
Going through some pics I found this shot I took while in the taxi. The top line is the actual dialogue. The bottom is the translation.

 

We Acted Upon in Good Faith and Entrusted Upon You

For whatever reason, a number of other people seem to use my email address. There's Monika Mielczarek, Monika Mihalisinova, Monika Meier, Monika Mitchell, and several more. These people legitimately believe my email address belongs to them. They frequently try to log in at gmail or facebook, and many of them have bills sent to my email. One man even emailed a sexy note as he was boarding his plane and about to return home to his Monika in London.

I have a label in my gmail account called "other Monika" where I store these. I try to reply to let the sender know they have the wrong address and inform the intended recipient, but much of the time that's not possible. Today's other Monika email had me laughing out loud.

Apparently, cell phone companies in India believe the best way to get paid is a guilt trip. I've highlighted my favorite lines in red for those of you who just want to skim. :)

Sir/Madam, 

We state that we are Cellular Mobile Telephony Service provider in the Delhi and NCR.We state that you had approached and requested us to provide you our cellular mobile phone facility. Relying upon your representation and assurance, we provided the said facility to you, with the clear understanding that you shall pay the bills on or before the due date. We state that you have availed the facility but, in breach of the aforesaid representation and promises made by you, you have failed and neglected to pay the amount of Rs. 2292/ - which is due and payable. 

We state that in spite of our repeated reminder and request to pay the aforesaid amount, you have failed and neglected to pay the said amount till date. We state that from the aforesaid, it is apparent that you have intentionally and deliberately not paid the said amount for the facility used by you. We state that as on 18/06/2013 a sum of Rs. 2292/- is due and payable by you. 

We state that believing your representations to be true, we acted upon in good faith and entrusted upon you with our cellular mobile phone facility, which you put into extensive use and accumulated huge amount. 

In the circumstances, we hereby call upon you to pay the sum of Rs. 2292/- together with accrued interest thereon @ 18% p.a. from the respective due date till the full & final payment, within 7 days from the date of receipt of this notice, failing which we shall be constrained to initiate Civil and/or Criminal proceedings against you, entirely at your risk as to cost and consequences, which please note. 

We state that without prejudice to our rights, if you are willing to make the aforesaid payment, within the stipulated time, you are requested to contact on 9811801114, 9811429429 between 10 AM to 5 PM . Yours truly,For Vodafone Mobile Services Limited

Such a nice mix of formalities and snarkiness. Love.

The Life of a Tall Girl

This video is SO true!



They missed a couple of my favorites:
"Are your parents tall?"
"How tall are your parents?"
"I wanna climb that tree!"
"I'll climb that!"

TGIF - Chaotic Communication

I left Hawaii on Wednesday and had a 2 hour layover in Honolulu. I stopped in at Gordon Biersch for a sandwich and had a bit of difficulty getting my order across. The exchange went something like this (edited for grammatic understandability):

Me: "I'd like the Kalua pork sandwich, please."

Bartender chic with thick accent: "French fries or coleslaw?"

Me: "coleslaw."
Me: "Actually, can I get a side of fries, too, please?"

Bartender: "You can't have a side of fries. You can have a side of coleslaw."

"I can't get a side of fries?"

"No, just coleslaw."

"Okay, can I have fries with my sandwich then, and an extra side of coleslaw?"

"No. We don't do fries because garlic fries are an appetizer."

"I don't want garlic fries."

"You can't do a side of garlic fries."

"I don't want garlic fries. I want regular fries."

"We don't have a side of garlic fries because we have the appetizer."

"I don't want garlic fries."

"You can't have garlic fries on the side."

"I don't want garlic fries. I want coleslaw and regular fries."

"We don't do fries, just coleslaw."

"Didn't you just ask me if I wanted fries or coleslaw with my sandwich?"

"Yes, with your sandwich."

"Okay, so can I get fries with my sandwich?"

"Yes, okay."

"And can I get an extra side of coleslaw?"

"Yes."

"Okay, thanks. I'd like a Kalua pork sandwich with fries, plus an extra side of coleslaw."

"You can't do garlic fries."

"I don't want garlic fries, can I have regular fries?"

"We don't do sides of garlic fries because we have the appetizer."

"You are making this so complicated. I want a Kalua pork sandwich with regular fries as a side. Ok?"

"Ok."

"I would also like to add a side of coleslaw. Ok?"

"Ok."

"Ok. Thanks."

She goes to the computer and inputs the order. I get scared that she'll spit in my food. Next time she walks by I say, "Thanks for taking care of that, I know it was confusing."

"Ok. You're welcome."

Smiling, I say, "Don't want to have garlic breath on the plane, you know?"

"Oh. Yes." As she jumps over the computer and changes my order.

*sigh*

That is exactly how I felt in every conversation at work today.

TGIF

Responding to Greenpeace Solicitors

You know them...the annoying vested kids on the sidewalk who are always so friggin excited to talk to you...but how do you get rid of them?

I usually just say no quickly or maybe make a phone call, but I'm really enjoying April from Regretsy's approach:

“Hi!” She chirped.
“No,” I said, finishing my soda.
She pouted. “But, we’re saving the environment!”I stopped. “Saving it? Like how? Like recycling or something?”“Well, yes, that’s part of it!” she said, brightening.
“Oh good,” I said, and I handed her my empty bottle.

I know what I'm trying next time.

Whuh whuh whuh whuh whuh

I have a new favorite song. It's featured in this video made by someone whose job I need to have.



Favorite lyrics?
"Teach me tiger
how to tease you
whuh whuh whuh whuuhh whuh"

Thank you, Cute Overload. I am thrilled to have this song in my head.
oh yeah.

Bad Sex in Fiction Awards

oh. my.

The Literary Review's Bad Sex in Fiction Awards are out, and they are certainly worth reading.

This year's winner is Jonathan Littell, for The Kindly Ones.

The winning passage:

Her vulva was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock remained inert, I seemed turned to stone. I stretched out my arm and buried my middle finger into this boundless eye. The hips moved slightly, but that was all. Far from piercing it, I had on the contrary opened it wide, freeing the gaze of the eye still hiding behind it. Then I had an idea: I took out my finger and, dragging myself forward on my forearms, I pushed my forehead against this vulva, pressing my scar against the hole. Now I was the one looking inside, searching the depths of this body with my radiant third eye, as her own single eye irradiated me and we blinded each other mutually: without moving, I came in an immense splash of white light, as she cried out: 'What are you doing, what are you doing?' and I laughed out loud, sperm still gushing in huge spurts from my penis, jubilant, I bit deep into her vulva to swallow it whole, and my eyes finally opened, cleared, and saw everything.

2005's Winner was pretty good, too. Winkler by Giles Coren:

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

And a Runner Up from this year, A Dead Hand by Paul Theroux:

'Baby.' She took my head in both hands and guided it downward, between her fragrant thighs. 'Yoni puja - pray, pray at my portal.'
She was holding my head, murmuring 'Pray,' and I did so, beseeching her with my mouth and tongue, my licking a primitive form of language in a simple prayer. It had always worked before, a language she had taught me herself, the warm muffled tongue.

I don't know that I could write anything quite that amusing with any area of seriousness. 

American Health

The Japanese eat very little fat,
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Mexicans eat a lot of fat,
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Chinese drink very little red wine, 
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Italians drink lots of red wine,
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat a ton of sausage and other fats,
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Apparently speaking English is what kills us.

Eat and drink what you like.

Urgent Requirement Plz Fwd To All

Apparently there is a highly desired Indian woman with my name who has given her email address to many people incorrectly. In fact, she's given them my email address. Over the past couple of years I've received more and more random emails from people I don't know, often in either broken or incredibly proper English. As google chat became more popular, I started receiving messages from men insisting they knew me. They met me at the call center when we both worked there. They knew my brother. Why was I being so mean to pretend I didn't know them? I feel a bit bad for the poor girl, because she probably gets a lot of people angry with her after I insist that I do not know these men.

This morning I received my favorite email thus far. I'm sure it's a joke, but I'm still very amused. :)

To:

Dear Ones,

Due to recession, I left my Girlfriend (as part of my cost cutting efforts). I need new one now, so pass on this information to your female friends...

Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below:

Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)

Experience : at least of 2 years (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)

Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.

Age: 18-23 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)

Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective.

Perks and incentives:

Total gross ( Monthly ) :
• 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000/-(no precious metals, stones)
• Bike rides each duration 1 hour
• Trips to National Highways
• 5 Trips to Hanuman Mandir / Iskcon Temple
• Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
• Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-
• 2 movies per month (on weekends)
• Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every weekend (On your own expense)
A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.

Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and Un-professional taxes will be informed on joining.
The probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)

Please NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.

There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral program by referring their friends, colleagues etc.
Candle light/Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with

Subject: Name/fresher-exp/age.
Full Photo must be attached in the email

Note: Applications without photo will be rejected.
This message (including any attachments) is intended only for
the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and
may contain information that is non-public, proprietary,
privileged, confidential, and exempt from disclosure under
applicable law or may constitute as attorney work product.
If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified
that any use, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this
communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this
communication in error, notify us immediately by telephone and
(i) destroy this message if a facsimile or (ii) delete this message
immediately if this is an electronic communication.

Thank you.

A Night Full of Quotes

"It was really nice, if you like really horrible things."

"A little bit of formaldehyde can't be that bad."

"She's got emotional tools to deal with things."

"Can we keep making out, just in the dark?"

"That's why I'm wearing a tie and stuff. That's what I call polishing a turd."

Texts From Last Night

I just learned about a new website that is keeping me highly amused today.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

A few of my favorite entries:

Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.

she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?

Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.

Veitch Zingers #1

My macro prof has a habit of making strange analogies and trying to use humor to demonstrate his points. Sometimes he goes so far with the humor that the point doesn't make sense, usually with amusing results. Some from tonight:

"You wanna see a loser? Look in the mirror!"

"You don't have to be the best at anything, and you can still succeed."

"[Adjusting interest rates to fix the foreign exchange rate] is like using a sledgehammer to beat a splinter out of my toe. I might get rid of the splinter, but there will be a lot of collateral damage."

"There's always a place where you can make the trade. Where did I find it? Behind the hotel last night."

Warning Label Translations

We just ordered a DDR mat that's supposed to actually let us play our old DDR games in the PS3. It came with instructions written in an interesting translation of English.
An excerpt from the warning section:
V, matters needing attention
1, do not be please in the high temperature, moist and under the multi-dust environment to use
2, Please not will dancemat to put the place which iwll expose to the sun in the solar storm.
3, guarded against uses the non-neutral solvent to clean this.
4, please do not have to make an effort to twist, pulls the electric cable line, in order to avoid the ties damage.
and my favorite:
5, the child, the old person and bodily illness carry on the game, avoids the period of revolution excessively being long.

Fabio's English

On Top Chef, Fabio has consistently been an excellent source of translation humor.

On last night's Top Chef, Fabio broke his finger. The medic asked if he wanted to go to the hospital. He said (paraphrasing), Hospital? I ain't going to no freegin hospital. I'll chop off my finger and sear it on the hot pad so it stops bleeding and deal with nine fingers tomorrow.

That was good, but my favorite - the one that had me rewinding and watching again - was this:
"I got so many kick in my ass that sometimes when I'm in the bathroom I still pull shoes out my ass."

Now add a thick Italian accent and read it again.

Classic.

The Effect of Forwards

When I receive forwards from friends or family, particularly ones warning me of the dangers of something or "informing" me of some obscure aspect of a policy, I immediately go to Snopes to check the validity of the information. I then typically hit "reply all" and send the results of my search out to all the other victims. Yes, I am that girl.

That said, it should be obvious why I feel that this one is worth sharing.

I just want to thank everyone for the educational emails over the past year...

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with HIV.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al-Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $500 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day!

That's Got to Feel Good!

Congratulations to Asa on being cleared of all charges!

Charges Dropped on ABC Reporter

A Must for Every Woman

I received another letter from a website today informing me that my order could not be processed. The account number thief's choice this time? Luma Tweeze.


Yes, you can own your very own magnified and lighted set of tweezers for just $23.75 total. I almost feel guilty that my account thief is missing out on this amazing prodct.

Blonde Ambitions

Oh this is a good one:

BRIDGEPORT -- A Stratford woman is seeing red after learning that blondes don't always have more fun.

Charlotte Feeney filed suit against the cosmetics firm L'Oreal Inc. after apparently grabbing the wrong tube of hair color and dyeing her "naturally blond" hair a dark brown.

But Superior Court Judge Richard Gilardi on Monday brushed off Feeney's lawsuit.

Gilardi ruled that Feeney had presented no evidence supporting her claim of negligence against the hair care company. "The plaintiff submitted no facts, no opinions and no standards to substantiate either of the allegations," he stated.

Feeney's lawyer, David Laudano, said he hadn't seen the judge's decision and couldn't comment. Feeney could not be reached for comment.

According to the lawsuit, Feeney on Aug. 27, 2003, purchased a tube of L'Oreal permanent hair color from a local supermarket to touch up her naturally blond hair.

A friend was applying the hair color when Feeney realized that her tresses had been transformed to a dark brown, the lawsuit states. She tried to return her hair to its natural color but it remains brown, according to the suit.

"I was mentally and physically in shock," Feeney states in court documents. "I was sick to my stomach, I had headaches, I don't like myself, I stay home more than ever in my life, I wear hats most of the time," she states.

Feeney said she ended up going to the doctor for anxiety and was put on medications for depression.

"I can never go back to my natural blonde hair," she complains. "I feel fake about that. Also blondes do get more attention than brunettes, of course, emotionally, I miss that."

Feeney charged in her lawsuit that a brown hair coloring was somehow put in a box for blonde hair and that the hair coloring industry has a legal obligation to put a warning on every box of hair dye that the color inside the tube may not be the same color as the label.

L'Oreal, in court papers filed in the case, disputed Feeney's claim that the wrong color was in the box of hair dye she had purchased. The firm also contended if she did pick out brown dye instead of blonde she should have realized her mistake if she had followed the directions on the package to first do a strand test.

found at myway.com