So after I posted the CL ad that SOMEONE ELSE wrote about her fantasy man, I received a few comments/complaints about the guy I was looking for. Because it was someone else's and not straight from my heart, I thought I should address the concerns of those men who spend way too much time trying to analyze women like me given that they'll never actually have it all figured out.
Another issue to address is the contradictory nature of writing this kind of post, but stating that I'm not looking for a relationship. I am NOT looking for a relationship. But I'm not really avoiding one, either. I think it's perfectly acceptable to take the pressure off by making lots of friends and dating casually. It's difficult to date casually or make just friends if people go into it with the assumption that you want a relationship. I'm tired of feeling the pressure to conform to some sort of standard about what my interaction with someone should be like just because they are of the opposite sex. So here's the deal: I'm very happy single. I don't think I want to change that status right now. But if today, that guy who would totally change my world came along...I'm not going to be all jaded/scared/skittish and push him away just because I like being single. I like to keep an open mind. :)
With that said, I'd like to readdress the perfect man issue. Given the large number of different aspects of my personality that come into play through the course of a day/week/year, what I write will probably change depending on my recent experiences, who I'm talking to, and my emotional state. While I value all of the things I posted last time, today, right this moment, I've got one big requirement for the man that breaks me out of single status.
Be the man who, with utter sincerity and an adorable smile on his face, can look into my eyes and sing this song to me:
I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us
Now, If you don't think you could ever be that guy, don't bother getting romantic. Just have fun with me and be my friend, because I'm having way too much friggin fun being single to give that up for anything less.
7.08.2005
Anthropology of MY People
Midwest Discovered Between East and West Coasts
NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest."
The Geological Survey team discovered the vast region while searching for the fabled Midwest Passage, the mythical overland route passing through the uncharted area between Ithaca, NY, and Bakersfield, CA.
"I long suspected something was there," said Franklin Eldred, a Manhattan native and leader of the 200-man exploratory force. "I'd flown between New York and L.A. on business many times, and the unusually long duration of my flights seemed to indicate that some sort of large area was being traversed, an area of unknown composition."
The Geological Survey explorers left the East Coast three weeks ago, embarking on a perilous journey to the unknown. Not long after crossing the Adirondack Mountains, Eldred and his team were blazing trails through strange new regions, wild lands full of corn and wheat.
"Thus far we have discovered places known as Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin," said Randall Zachary, chief navigator for the expedition. "When translated from the local dialect into English, these words seem to mean 'summer camp.'"
Eldred and the others were surprised to learn that the Midwest, whose inhospitable environment was long believed to be incapable of supporting human life, is indeed populated, albeit sparsely.
"The Midwestern Aborigines are ruddy, generally heavy-set folk, clad in plain, non-designer costumery," Eldred said. "They tend to live in simple, one-story dwellings whose interiors are decorated with Hummels and 'Bless This House' needlepoint wall-hangings. And though coarse and unattractive, these simple people were rather friendly, offering us quaint native fare such as 'hotdish' and 'casserole.'"
Though the Midwest territory is still largely unexplored, early reports describe a region as backwards as it is vast. "Many of the basic aspects of a civilized culture appear to be entirely absent," said Gina Strauch, a Los Angeles-based anthropologist. "There is no theater to speak of, and their knowledge of posh restaurants is sketchy at best. Further, their agricentric lives seem to prevent them from pursuing high fashion to any degree, and, as a result, their mode of dress is largely restricted to sweatpants and sweatshirts, the women's being adorned with hearts and teddy bears and the men's with college-football insignias."
Despite the Midwesterners' considerable cultural backwardness, some say the establishment of relations with them is possible.
"Believe it or not, this region may have things to offer us," said Jonathan Ogleby, a San Francisco-area marketing expert. "We could construct an airport there, a place where New Yorkers could switch planes on their way to California. We could stage revivals of old Broadway musicals there. Perhaps we could even one day conduct trade with the Midwesterners, offering them electronic devices in exchange for meats and agriculture."
Others, however, are not so optimistic about future relations. "We must remember that these people are not at all like us," Conde Nast publisher and Manhattan socialite Lucille Randolph Snowdon said. "They are crude and provincial, bewildered by our tall buildings and our art galleries, our books and our coffee shops. For an L.A. resident to attempt to interact with one of them as he or she would with, say, a Bostonian is ludicrous. It appears unlikely that we will ever be able to conduct a genuine exchange of ideas with them about anything, save perhaps television or 'the big game.'"
NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest."
The Geological Survey team discovered the vast region while searching for the fabled Midwest Passage, the mythical overland route passing through the uncharted area between Ithaca, NY, and Bakersfield, CA.
"I long suspected something was there," said Franklin Eldred, a Manhattan native and leader of the 200-man exploratory force. "I'd flown between New York and L.A. on business many times, and the unusually long duration of my flights seemed to indicate that some sort of large area was being traversed, an area of unknown composition."
The Geological Survey explorers left the East Coast three weeks ago, embarking on a perilous journey to the unknown. Not long after crossing the Adirondack Mountains, Eldred and his team were blazing trails through strange new regions, wild lands full of corn and wheat.
"Thus far we have discovered places known as Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin," said Randall Zachary, chief navigator for the expedition. "When translated from the local dialect into English, these words seem to mean 'summer camp.'"
Eldred and the others were surprised to learn that the Midwest, whose inhospitable environment was long believed to be incapable of supporting human life, is indeed populated, albeit sparsely.
"The Midwestern Aborigines are ruddy, generally heavy-set folk, clad in plain, non-designer costumery," Eldred said. "They tend to live in simple, one-story dwellings whose interiors are decorated with Hummels and 'Bless This House' needlepoint wall-hangings. And though coarse and unattractive, these simple people were rather friendly, offering us quaint native fare such as 'hotdish' and 'casserole.'"
Though the Midwest territory is still largely unexplored, early reports describe a region as backwards as it is vast. "Many of the basic aspects of a civilized culture appear to be entirely absent," said Gina Strauch, a Los Angeles-based anthropologist. "There is no theater to speak of, and their knowledge of posh restaurants is sketchy at best. Further, their agricentric lives seem to prevent them from pursuing high fashion to any degree, and, as a result, their mode of dress is largely restricted to sweatpants and sweatshirts, the women's being adorned with hearts and teddy bears and the men's with college-football insignias."
Despite the Midwesterners' considerable cultural backwardness, some say the establishment of relations with them is possible.
"Believe it or not, this region may have things to offer us," said Jonathan Ogleby, a San Francisco-area marketing expert. "We could construct an airport there, a place where New Yorkers could switch planes on their way to California. We could stage revivals of old Broadway musicals there. Perhaps we could even one day conduct trade with the Midwesterners, offering them electronic devices in exchange for meats and agriculture."
Others, however, are not so optimistic about future relations. "We must remember that these people are not at all like us," Conde Nast publisher and Manhattan socialite Lucille Randolph Snowdon said. "They are crude and provincial, bewildered by our tall buildings and our art galleries, our books and our coffee shops. For an L.A. resident to attempt to interact with one of them as he or she would with, say, a Bostonian is ludicrous. It appears unlikely that we will ever be able to conduct a genuine exchange of ideas with them about anything, save perhaps television or 'the big game.'"
7.07.2005
7.05.2005
My Comments on Recent Blog Commentary
So in response to my "fantasy man" post, I got this comment:
"Before you can ask that of someone, you need to be able to provide that of yourself to him. Otherwise you're looking for someone to make up what you can't produce, instead of enjoying what you both are. IE Gold Digger lf sugar daddy. That's not love, its lust or self preservation. Considering you were just looking for money last month, seems like you might be a Pier 39 patroller. But, I work down there..come by, I got dollars!"
I know I should probably just leave it alone, but I can't help myself.
To "anonymous":
1. The fantasy man post is about my *ahem* FANTASY man. I don't expect any man I'd ever date to be that friggin perfect, but c'mon...if I wanted to I could ask for a man who will give me a neck massage every night while impressing my mom, entertaining my girlfriends, cooking me a magnificent dinner and singing love songs in an incredible voice. It's MY fantasy. I'm not dictating standards for the men I'll date, dangit.
2. I CAN provide a lot of those things to a man. I wouldn't hope for them for me if I didn't hope to be able to offer something comparable to someone else.
3. The "looking for money last month" was a nice little play on the fact that I was leaving my fundraising job where I would no longer have to create sponsorship systems like that. Given that you didn't see that, you obviously don't know me NEARLY well enough to even begin making judgments about me.
And about that one...you'll notice nobody got named for any of those levels...think that might be because nobody who knows me took it seriously?
4. What the hell is a Pier 39 patroller? How did the tacky hub of tourists come into play in my fantasy? Yech!
Seriously, when you leave anonymous comments with no backing evidence, you're not really doing me any damage here :)
Ooooh, that just gave me something else to add to my fantasy man: He will face things forthright, and not be the passive aggressive type who can't stand his ground out in the open.
:)
"Before you can ask that of someone, you need to be able to provide that of yourself to him. Otherwise you're looking for someone to make up what you can't produce, instead of enjoying what you both are. IE Gold Digger lf sugar daddy. That's not love, its lust or self preservation. Considering you were just looking for money last month, seems like you might be a Pier 39 patroller. But, I work down there..come by, I got dollars!"
I know I should probably just leave it alone, but I can't help myself.
To "anonymous":
1. The fantasy man post is about my *ahem* FANTASY man. I don't expect any man I'd ever date to be that friggin perfect, but c'mon...if I wanted to I could ask for a man who will give me a neck massage every night while impressing my mom, entertaining my girlfriends, cooking me a magnificent dinner and singing love songs in an incredible voice. It's MY fantasy. I'm not dictating standards for the men I'll date, dangit.
2. I CAN provide a lot of those things to a man. I wouldn't hope for them for me if I didn't hope to be able to offer something comparable to someone else.
3. The "looking for money last month" was a nice little play on the fact that I was leaving my fundraising job where I would no longer have to create sponsorship systems like that. Given that you didn't see that, you obviously don't know me NEARLY well enough to even begin making judgments about me.
And about that one...you'll notice nobody got named for any of those levels...think that might be because nobody who knows me took it seriously?
4. What the hell is a Pier 39 patroller? How did the tacky hub of tourists come into play in my fantasy? Yech!
Seriously, when you leave anonymous comments with no backing evidence, you're not really doing me any damage here :)
Ooooh, that just gave me something else to add to my fantasy man: He will face things forthright, and not be the passive aggressive type who can't stand his ground out in the open.
:)
7.02.2005
Why the bad guys get away...
stupid husbands
let's just make sure we restrict these complaints to the non-emergency police numbers so we don't tie up the 911 lines, ladies
let's just make sure we restrict these complaints to the non-emergency police numbers so we don't tie up the 911 lines, ladies
6.27.2005
The perfect man
Saw this in an ad on craigslist, and thought I'd showcase it here. My own editorial comments are in bold or red. :)
My fantasy man
He would be tall. At least 6'1 (I can deal with shorter) He would work out and have really sexy arms. He would be extremely smart. Own his own home or at least rent a nice home. His car would be clean, and he would have a good stereo. He would have good taste in music, new music, not just the shit he used to listen to when he was in high school and make me mix cds. He would have a dog..(a big one-not a little yappy thing) I'll be able to love him without worrying that I'm being too clingy (and he'll be secure in that love). He'll be very affectionate and love to cuddle. He'll be strong and make me feel safe no matter where we are. He'll be passionate about his job, and if not, passionate about one of his hobbies (passionate about anything is okay...hopefully many things). He'll have lots of books for me to read (and have read at least some of them). He'll love camping and hiking and swimming. (But also love hanging out in the city) He'll smell good. He won't have numerous tattoos or piercings. And if he does have some, he won't think they make him hella cool. He'll be good to his mom and have a good relationship with his family. He'll want to get married and have kids one day. He'll make me laugh. We'll read the paper together over breakfast, and read books in the living room at night. He won't be on stupid weird diets, but he will be healthy. He will make me want to be successful and guide me in the direction I need to go in. He'll pay for everything, and in return, I'll always look great, notice things he needs and buy them for him, clean and cook and swallow. He'll appreciate the finer things in life and know that you get what you pay for, but he won't be superficial or think you can buy taste, or love. He'll enjoy taking care of me, and letting me take care of him. He'll be past the stage where impressing his friends is more important than treating his girlfriend well. He won't be intimidated by tall or assertive girls (i.e. me).
Okay, boys, there ya go.
My fantasy man
He would be tall. At least 6'1 (I can deal with shorter) He would work out and have really sexy arms. He would be extremely smart. Own his own home or at least rent a nice home. His car would be clean, and he would have a good stereo. He would have good taste in music, new music, not just the shit he used to listen to when he was in high school and make me mix cds. He would have a dog..(a big one-not a little yappy thing) I'll be able to love him without worrying that I'm being too clingy (and he'll be secure in that love). He'll be very affectionate and love to cuddle. He'll be strong and make me feel safe no matter where we are. He'll be passionate about his job, and if not, passionate about one of his hobbies (passionate about anything is okay...hopefully many things). He'll have lots of books for me to read (and have read at least some of them). He'll love camping and hiking and swimming. (But also love hanging out in the city) He'll smell good. He won't have numerous tattoos or piercings. And if he does have some, he won't think they make him hella cool. He'll be good to his mom and have a good relationship with his family. He'll want to get married and have kids one day. He'll make me laugh. We'll read the paper together over breakfast, and read books in the living room at night. He won't be on stupid weird diets, but he will be healthy. He will make me want to be successful and guide me in the direction I need to go in. He'll pay for everything, and in return, I'll always look great, notice things he needs and buy them for him, clean and cook and swallow. He'll appreciate the finer things in life and know that you get what you pay for, but he won't be superficial or think you can buy taste, or love. He'll enjoy taking care of me, and letting me take care of him. He'll be past the stage where impressing his friends is more important than treating his girlfriend well. He won't be intimidated by tall or assertive girls (i.e. me).
Okay, boys, there ya go.
6.26.2005
NY Times Thimerosal Article
Safe Minds Action Alert on New York Times Thimerosal-Autism Article
The June 25 publication of the New York Times contained a front page article titled "On Autism's Cause, It's Parents vs. Research" by Gardiner Harris and Anahad O’Connor. The article includes several references to SafeMinds.
Although directors of SafeMinds were interviewed for the story, information we presented to the reporters, such as peer-reviewed research papers on the harmful effects of thimerosal, was not included in the published article. In addition, the article contains numerous disturbing errors of fact, omissions of fact, and a consistent bias which call into question the credibility and motivation of the authors.
The primary responsibility of the media in gathering and distributing news and opinion is to serve the general welfare of the public by providing accurate information which enables the public to make informed judgments on issues that impact their lives. The Times authors acknowledge the critical importance of the thimerosal issue to public health. The requirement for a balanced portrayal of the issue is not trivial.
Therefore, SafeMinds is asking the New York Times to immediately publish corrections to and investigate the journalistic process surrounding this article in an effort to fulfill their service obligation to the American public and adhere to their historically high journalistic standards.
The New York Times has a clear channel through which readers can express their dissatisfaction with the reporting process and editorial choices made by the current staff. This is the office of the Public Editor. The Public Editor has three obligations:
Making sure the concerns of readers and the public about the paper are heard -- and heeded when they are valid.
Monitoring The Time’s journalistic integrity -- which means accuracy and fairness in both reality and perception.
Publicly assessing the newsroom's performance in these areas to enhance readers' understanding of the journalistic process and to remind editors and reporters to do their best.
SafeMinds asks those of you who have concerns about the Times article to email The Public Editor, Byron Calame, at public@nytimes.com. Communications are taken more seriously if they are short and factual.
SafeMinds will be issuing a letter to the editor of the Times listing the factual errors in the article and the corrections needed. SafeMinds will also be sending the Public Editor a letter on concerns over the journalistic process, and we will issue this publicly once it is sent.
The June 25 publication of the New York Times contained a front page article titled "On Autism's Cause, It's Parents vs. Research" by Gardiner Harris and Anahad O’Connor. The article includes several references to SafeMinds.
Although directors of SafeMinds were interviewed for the story, information we presented to the reporters, such as peer-reviewed research papers on the harmful effects of thimerosal, was not included in the published article. In addition, the article contains numerous disturbing errors of fact, omissions of fact, and a consistent bias which call into question the credibility and motivation of the authors.
The primary responsibility of the media in gathering and distributing news and opinion is to serve the general welfare of the public by providing accurate information which enables the public to make informed judgments on issues that impact their lives. The Times authors acknowledge the critical importance of the thimerosal issue to public health. The requirement for a balanced portrayal of the issue is not trivial.
Therefore, SafeMinds is asking the New York Times to immediately publish corrections to and investigate the journalistic process surrounding this article in an effort to fulfill their service obligation to the American public and adhere to their historically high journalistic standards.
The New York Times has a clear channel through which readers can express their dissatisfaction with the reporting process and editorial choices made by the current staff. This is the office of the Public Editor. The Public Editor has three obligations:
Making sure the concerns of readers and the public about the paper are heard -- and heeded when they are valid.
Monitoring The Time’s journalistic integrity -- which means accuracy and fairness in both reality and perception.
Publicly assessing the newsroom's performance in these areas to enhance readers' understanding of the journalistic process and to remind editors and reporters to do their best.
SafeMinds asks those of you who have concerns about the Times article to email The Public Editor, Byron Calame, at public@nytimes.com. Communications are taken more seriously if they are short and factual.
SafeMinds will be issuing a letter to the editor of the Times listing the factual errors in the article and the corrections needed. SafeMinds will also be sending the Public Editor a letter on concerns over the journalistic process, and we will issue this publicly once it is sent.
6.24.2005
things that motivate me to walk, no. 1
I'm standing on the Muni, and this guy slides his hand along the bar up next to mine until it almost covers my hand. He pushes himself up behind me, says excuse me, and then uses his other hand to push me over to the direction he came.
At home, definitely would have decked the guy. But here, I understand there's less room, people are a bit more on top of each other, maybe he didn't mean to...so I excuse it.
But then his hand, now on the other side of me, finds mine again. I move away a bit. He moves into me. I move again, he moves again...and it goes on. Finally, a seat opens and I take it as quickly as I can. He moves so that he is standing directly in front of me and his knees keep resting on mine. Please note that the bus is NOT crowded. I keep moving, he keeps moving...and so on. He then takes the seat next to me and continues to lean on me for the rest of the bus ride. I make eye contact several times and pull away. Finally, I just get off and walk the 12 or 13 blocks home b/c I can't deal with his slimey self anymore.
I need to learn when it's okay here to just shove him off me. I'm afraid I'd get mobbed here for not being a pacifist, though. We'll see.
It was a nice walk home. :)
At home, definitely would have decked the guy. But here, I understand there's less room, people are a bit more on top of each other, maybe he didn't mean to...so I excuse it.
But then his hand, now on the other side of me, finds mine again. I move away a bit. He moves into me. I move again, he moves again...and it goes on. Finally, a seat opens and I take it as quickly as I can. He moves so that he is standing directly in front of me and his knees keep resting on mine. Please note that the bus is NOT crowded. I keep moving, he keeps moving...and so on. He then takes the seat next to me and continues to lean on me for the rest of the bus ride. I make eye contact several times and pull away. Finally, I just get off and walk the 12 or 13 blocks home b/c I can't deal with his slimey self anymore.
I need to learn when it's okay here to just shove him off me. I'm afraid I'd get mobbed here for not being a pacifist, though. We'll see.
It was a nice walk home. :)
6.21.2005
6.12.2005
HOME
I can now say, while standing in the middle of San Francisco, that I am home.
Good things do happen once in a while :)
Good things do happen once in a while :)
6.03.2005
5.27.2005
Charitable Giving
On June 4, 2005, a young midwestern gal will embark upon a journey that will mark the beginning of a new phase in her life. You have the ability to help send her on this journey. Contributions are recognized according to the sponsorship levels below.
Muscle (Moving Help on Either End):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of donor's choice
Supplier (Household Item or Grocery Donation):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Envelope Licker (Good Wishes or Happy Thoughts):
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Mail Carrier ($10-$99):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
UPS Guy ($100-$499):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Invitation to Housewarming
Fed Ex Guy ($500-$999):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Invitation to Housewarming
Invitation to select events
Home-Cooked Dinner
Mover ($1,000-$999,999):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Outstanding invitation
Home-Cooked Dinner of Donor's Choice
Home Buyer ($1,000,000 and up, or a San Francisco home):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Donor and Recipient Together in New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Outstanding Invitation
Monthly Home-Cooked Dinner of Donor's Choice
Prompt Proposal of Marriage
Beautiful Wealthy Children (Custody Shared with Recipient)
Contributions accepted via check, money order, cash, and paypal. In special cases, food or alcohol will be considered.
Muscle (Moving Help on Either End):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of donor's choice
Supplier (Household Item or Grocery Donation):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Envelope Licker (Good Wishes or Happy Thoughts):
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Mail Carrier ($10-$99):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
UPS Guy ($100-$499):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Invitation to Housewarming
Fed Ex Guy ($500-$999):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Invitation to Housewarming
Invitation to select events
Home-Cooked Dinner
Mover ($1,000-$999,999):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Recipient's New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Outstanding invitation
Home-Cooked Dinner of Donor's Choice
Home Buyer ($1,000,000 and up, or a San Francisco home):
Mention on "Entertain A Mandy"
Sincere Thank You
Pictures of Donor and Recipient Together in New Home
Drink of Donor's Choice
Outstanding Invitation
Monthly Home-Cooked Dinner of Donor's Choice
Prompt Proposal of Marriage
Beautiful Wealthy Children (Custody Shared with Recipient)
Contributions accepted via check, money order, cash, and paypal. In special cases, food or alcohol will be considered.
5.26.2005
5.25.2005
Tribute to Aging Gracefully
Alias made a fantastic decision to bring back my favorite character.
So I think I developed a tiny bit of a girl crush on Lena Olin when I first saw her in Unbearable Lightness of Being (which is sexier by far than any porn flick).
I can only hope to be so sexy when I'm fifty.
So I think I developed a tiny bit of a girl crush on Lena Olin when I first saw her in Unbearable Lightness of Being (which is sexier by far than any porn flick).
I can only hope to be so sexy when I'm fifty.
5.24.2005
Life in Missouri
"It is as if we somehow need to constantly create a group who is other than ourselves. Life here in the Midwest is so different from life in most parts of the world in that we have very little diversity. I was amazed to learn when I arrived here in 1991 that there had very recently been a Klu Klux Klan meeting at a local park. How, I wondered, can you manage to become a racist when you hardly ever meet anyone of another race around here?" -Dr. Roger Ray
Open Minds
"In the mid 1980's when Tibet’s Dalai Lama first began coming to the United States to speak he was being questioned by a group of reporters and the issue of homosexuality came up. In answer to their question the Dalai Lama began to repeat Buddhist condemnations of same sex relationships and then, right in the middle of a sentence, he stopped, thought for a moment and then began speaking again, 'If the two people have taken no vows of chastity, and neither is harmed, why should it not be acceptable?'
In one sentence he reversed a thousand years of Buddhist teaching and tradition. This is such an important thing to be able to do. He was able to see that an old prejudice which may have served to strengthen society in one age was a threat to spiritual health, to justice, to kindness in this age. " -Dr. Roger Ray
In one sentence he reversed a thousand years of Buddhist teaching and tradition. This is such an important thing to be able to do. He was able to see that an old prejudice which may have served to strengthen society in one age was a threat to spiritual health, to justice, to kindness in this age. " -Dr. Roger Ray
5.23.2005
Literal Interpretations
"If you are settling in for an evening of TV viewing this evening, and you watch, say, for example, a football game (Raiders by 6), then the evening news and end up your evening watching an old re-run of Andy Griffeth show you would know automatically that you would not watch these three programs in exactly the same way. The evening news at least attempts to be an objective telling of what actually happened in the world today. The football game, while it is broadcast live and it is really taking place somewhere, you know that it is not the same as news about the conflict in Afghanistan.... they are chasing and hitting each other but you know that it is all a game.
"Finally, you watch the characters in the black and white world of Mayberry in quite a different way. You know that there is no and never has been a Sheriff Andy and Deputy Barney, just like there was never a sweet little southern town where everyone was white and no real crimes were ever committed. But you don’t get upset and yell at the TV that it is all lies! You understand that even though it is a fictional story that it still often has a moral point and that in fact you have known people in law enforcement who acted an awful lot like Barney and we all long for that widowed relative who cooks, cleans and runs the house for you like Aunt Bea to come live with you.
"TV belongs to our culture and we know how to watch different programs with an appropriate understanding and appreciation of what a sit com has to offer, which news stations are the most believable and what the difference between sci fi and docudrama is.
"Understanding the Bible requires that we read its different books in the way that the culture which created those books meant for them to be read. If someone watches Mayberry re-runs a thousand years from now and insists that everyone either see them as film documentation of real life in an American small town then we would call that person..... a fundamentalist. I trust that you understand what I am saying.The Bible contains, songs, poetry, philosophy, sermons, history and it contains stories.... stories which are intended to teach a moral lesson. These teaching stories, parables, are among the richest and most helpful passages we find in the sacred writings." - Dr. Roger Ray
Galileo had an interesting theory about how the Bible should be read. He believed the Bible was a book meant to explain the soul. God gave us our senses and our mental capacities to observe and understand science. He gave us the Bible to understand the soul. Therefore, things in the Bible that refer to science, such as the day the sun stopped in the middle of the sky, or references to the sun orbiting the Earth, are all to be taken metaphorically. God gave us senses to observe these, therefore when He talks of them in the Bible he is simply using them as demonstration. Because our senses can't observe the soul, though, everything God says about the soul and salvation in the Bible should be taken literally. Interesting thought.
I don't know if that's clear cut, but I agree with Dr. Ray. Every book of the Bible had a particular context in which it was meant to be read. Given that we're coming in way after the fact (much as someone a hundred years from now might be coming on Andy Griffith), we have to look back and learn how to read those books. We can't just read them all the same way. So really, in the whole Literal vs. Metaphorical interpretation of the Bible, both sides are wrong. I like that idea :)
"Finally, you watch the characters in the black and white world of Mayberry in quite a different way. You know that there is no and never has been a Sheriff Andy and Deputy Barney, just like there was never a sweet little southern town where everyone was white and no real crimes were ever committed. But you don’t get upset and yell at the TV that it is all lies! You understand that even though it is a fictional story that it still often has a moral point and that in fact you have known people in law enforcement who acted an awful lot like Barney and we all long for that widowed relative who cooks, cleans and runs the house for you like Aunt Bea to come live with you.
"TV belongs to our culture and we know how to watch different programs with an appropriate understanding and appreciation of what a sit com has to offer, which news stations are the most believable and what the difference between sci fi and docudrama is.
"Understanding the Bible requires that we read its different books in the way that the culture which created those books meant for them to be read. If someone watches Mayberry re-runs a thousand years from now and insists that everyone either see them as film documentation of real life in an American small town then we would call that person..... a fundamentalist. I trust that you understand what I am saying.The Bible contains, songs, poetry, philosophy, sermons, history and it contains stories.... stories which are intended to teach a moral lesson. These teaching stories, parables, are among the richest and most helpful passages we find in the sacred writings." - Dr. Roger Ray
Galileo had an interesting theory about how the Bible should be read. He believed the Bible was a book meant to explain the soul. God gave us our senses and our mental capacities to observe and understand science. He gave us the Bible to understand the soul. Therefore, things in the Bible that refer to science, such as the day the sun stopped in the middle of the sky, or references to the sun orbiting the Earth, are all to be taken metaphorically. God gave us senses to observe these, therefore when He talks of them in the Bible he is simply using them as demonstration. Because our senses can't observe the soul, though, everything God says about the soul and salvation in the Bible should be taken literally. Interesting thought.
I don't know if that's clear cut, but I agree with Dr. Ray. Every book of the Bible had a particular context in which it was meant to be read. Given that we're coming in way after the fact (much as someone a hundred years from now might be coming on Andy Griffith), we have to look back and learn how to read those books. We can't just read them all the same way. So really, in the whole Literal vs. Metaphorical interpretation of the Bible, both sides are wrong. I like that idea :)
5.22.2005
Exes
Why can't a break-up just be because two people couldn't make it work? Why, after all the analysis and all the post break-up talk, do guys have to go back and decide that it's all a big angry fiasco? Why do they have to come back, after admitting all the awful things they did, and blame it all on you to make themselves feel better? Why do they have to continue to cast blame and delude themselves about what happened? Why can't it just be okay?
I thought the heartbreak was over. I thought we could move on. Why does it have to get ugly? Why now?
A wise person recently pointed out to me that if you care enough about someone, and get along well enough to date for some time, you should at least be able to be friends if it doesn't work out. Why would you limit that person to just dating? Why can't you take that caring relationship to friends? Why do you have to hate someone just because they don't belong to you? Why do you have to start hating them the second you can't control them? Why must you KEEP trying to control them?
You think someone loves you, and then you find that their love only extends so far as their possession of you.
I love you, darlin, I always will. I'd love to be friends with you. But guess what...no man has ever owned me. No man ever will. And most of those who've tried to control me have gotten hurt. I'm sure you can attest to that.
I thought the heartbreak was over. I thought we could move on. Why does it have to get ugly? Why now?
A wise person recently pointed out to me that if you care enough about someone, and get along well enough to date for some time, you should at least be able to be friends if it doesn't work out. Why would you limit that person to just dating? Why can't you take that caring relationship to friends? Why do you have to hate someone just because they don't belong to you? Why do you have to start hating them the second you can't control them? Why must you KEEP trying to control them?
You think someone loves you, and then you find that their love only extends so far as their possession of you.
I love you, darlin, I always will. I'd love to be friends with you. But guess what...no man has ever owned me. No man ever will. And most of those who've tried to control me have gotten hurt. I'm sure you can attest to that.
The Wisdom of Karaoke Hosts
On the desire to make a moment last forever:
It's like a song:
I can hold a note forever,
but eventually that's just noise.
It's the change we're listening for--
the note coming after,
and the one after that.
That's what makes the music.
~Lorne, from Angel
5.20.2005
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
But who wants a gentleman, really?
I'm a brunette now! Pictures will follow when I can get them. :)
This is one of the main colors the stylist used: http://www.mothernature.com/shop/detail.cfm/sku/88523
I'm a brunette now! Pictures will follow when I can get them. :)
This is one of the main colors the stylist used: http://www.mothernature.com/shop/detail.cfm/sku/88523
5.16.2005
Life Cycles
We lost a little one today.
We were told he always wanted an apple tree.
This one's for you, Connor.
We were told he always wanted an apple tree.
This one's for you, Connor.
I Wish to go to Disneyland
My future employer just informed me that I will be going to Disneyland from June 15th-June 19th. She hopes that's a good thing. :)
Heck ya!
:)
Heck ya!
:)
5.15.2005
5.13.2005
It's Official!
Starting on June 4, I will be a resident of San Francisco, CA!
I've accepted a position with a community foundation and working part-time as a nanny, and will be moving to the city so very soon!
Officially moving to SF! Read about my beautiful new city!
Help for the Weary
The mother of one of the children we serve here at Happy Camper could use a bit of a boost. In order to properly care for her daughter, who has spent the last two years in and out of treatment facilities, she has resigned from her job. For the first time in over 20 years, she'll be a stay at home mom. In order to supplement her income, she has taken on a part time position from home with The Pampered Chef. If you're into cooking (or eating, for that matter) take a look at the website. It doesn't take long, and you might find something you were gonna go out and buy anyway. If you DO find something, please let me know so that you can purchase it through the mother. Seriously, if you're going to need something anyway, you might as well help people while you're at it.
www.pamperedchef.com
Thanks for taking a gander!
www.pamperedchef.com
Thanks for taking a gander!
5.12.2005
Missouri Approves Vaccine Mercury Ban
Missouri is (incredibly) one of the first states to pass a bill limiting the amount of mercury in vaccines given to children! Mercury in vaccines has been linked to the rising incidence rate of autism. Although research has not proven a causal relationship, the circumstantial evidence is strong enough that many parents have stopped getting vaccinations for their children. Petitions to increase vaccinations rates in many states have led to public debates throughout the country. As one of 4 major hubs for autism treatment (the others are LA, Princeton, and Minneapolis), St. Louis has long been at the center of these debates. After Gov. Schwarzenegger passed a bill in California to limit mercury in vaccines starting in June 2006 (current vaccines must be used before new ones can be made), St. Louis parents set out to make Missouri follow suit.
The Missouri House and Senate have both passed the bill, and it will now go to Governor Matt Blunt for approval. Given the recent outrage over Blunt's budget cuts for the First Steps autism program and the subsequent reversal of that decision, he is eager to sign the new bill into law. The bill limits the mercury-free requirement only to those under three, which would not cover children getting their first vaccinations before entering school. Many advocates argue that Blunt's push for this limitation counters the purpose of the bill to lower rates of autism across the board. However, most cases of autism start between the ages of 2 and 4--just after that first round of vaccinations. Even though the bill doesn't cover all vaccines, it will greatly limit the number of children in the autism onset range who will be exposed to possible mercury contamination. Regardless, this is a HUGE step for Missouri legislature, and it demonstrates the power that parents and advocacy groups can have over the future of our children.
While the cause of autism remains a mystery, research is producing more results than ever and several methods of treatment have shown drastic improvements.
You can help by raising funds and awareness in your community through Walk Far for N.A.A.R.!
The Missouri House and Senate have both passed the bill, and it will now go to Governor Matt Blunt for approval. Given the recent outrage over Blunt's budget cuts for the First Steps autism program and the subsequent reversal of that decision, he is eager to sign the new bill into law. The bill limits the mercury-free requirement only to those under three, which would not cover children getting their first vaccinations before entering school. Many advocates argue that Blunt's push for this limitation counters the purpose of the bill to lower rates of autism across the board. However, most cases of autism start between the ages of 2 and 4--just after that first round of vaccinations. Even though the bill doesn't cover all vaccines, it will greatly limit the number of children in the autism onset range who will be exposed to possible mercury contamination. Regardless, this is a HUGE step for Missouri legislature, and it demonstrates the power that parents and advocacy groups can have over the future of our children.
While the cause of autism remains a mystery, research is producing more results than ever and several methods of treatment have shown drastic improvements.
You can help by raising funds and awareness in your community through Walk Far for N.A.A.R.!
5.11.2005
Steamy Time Travel
Having a roommate that spends every day learning about the new books on the market has its advantages.
Apparently there's an erotica series in which the character travels through time to have passionate affairs with people in different eras.
And the woman's name, of course, is Monica :)
Apparently there's an erotica series in which the character travels through time to have passionate affairs with people in different eras.
And the woman's name, of course, is Monica :)
5.08.2005
Borrowed DVDs
Who has my copies of Bandits and Oceans Eleven?
Not super important, granted, but I'd like to have everything back before I move. Let me know :)
Not super important, granted, but I'd like to have everything back before I move. Let me know :)
Another Fun-Filled Weekend
So this weekend I got to hang out in Kansas City. Not that KC is the most fun place to hang out, but it was a fabulous weekend with great people and good entertainment. It's gonna be so difficult to actually get through five days of work now. :)
Saturday night was Chuck's bday. Being the RPG'er that he is, he asked that we have a 20s gangster themed party. We all showed up at a little Italian dive dressed as mobsters and flappers. Tres sexy. After dinner at a long table with Chuck and Corey guarding the ends (looking hot as always, boys :)) we headed over to Martha's for some tonics and dancing. Despite the normal crowd, Saturday night there were plenty of cute straight guys to go around. :) Made for a very interesting night with us girls in our short little dresses and strings of pearls.
Afterward, we made it back to the soon to be lonely apartment to watch Chicago and play a game of Cranium. I've never played with such a big group of nerds (myself included). The game goes by pretty dern quickly when everyone is either a trivial pursuit guru or a theater major. We got a few great sensasketch prints for the fridge :) Anyone else wanna help decorate?
Saturday night was Chuck's bday. Being the RPG'er that he is, he asked that we have a 20s gangster themed party. We all showed up at a little Italian dive dressed as mobsters and flappers. Tres sexy. After dinner at a long table with Chuck and Corey guarding the ends (looking hot as always, boys :)) we headed over to Martha's for some tonics and dancing. Despite the normal crowd, Saturday night there were plenty of cute straight guys to go around. :) Made for a very interesting night with us girls in our short little dresses and strings of pearls.
Afterward, we made it back to the soon to be lonely apartment to watch Chicago and play a game of Cranium. I've never played with such a big group of nerds (myself included). The game goes by pretty dern quickly when everyone is either a trivial pursuit guru or a theater major. We got a few great sensasketch prints for the fridge :) Anyone else wanna help decorate?
5.04.2005
Gotta Get Ba-a-ack to My City by the Bay
Had an amazing weekend in San Francisco! Can't believe I have to be back here at work already. Can't wait to head back out that way again. Don't want to jinx anything, but things are looking good. Keep fingers crossed for me!
4.26.2005
Okay, I'm done being hurt. No more. Now, I'm just pissed off.
Really friggin pissed off.
You know, when you get burned by a guy, you can stay away from guys for awhile...avoid relationships until you can trust again...
What the hell do you do when you get burned by a job? You either keep working away your life in that job and deal with it because you need the paycheck...OR you have to move on to a new job where you have no idea if it'll be better or worse than the one that burned you.
I don't think I can ever work in an office that's completely female again. Need some testosterone in the mix. Ugh.
Really friggin pissed off.
You know, when you get burned by a guy, you can stay away from guys for awhile...avoid relationships until you can trust again...
What the hell do you do when you get burned by a job? You either keep working away your life in that job and deal with it because you need the paycheck...OR you have to move on to a new job where you have no idea if it'll be better or worse than the one that burned you.
I don't think I can ever work in an office that's completely female again. Need some testosterone in the mix. Ugh.
4.25.2005
Extra Optimism Needed
I'm soooooo excited. I've never wanted anything so much in my entire life! PLEASE, please, please, please, please let this happen for me. Lots of positive thoughts! Can this please just happen? Can things go my way in a big way, finally? Please, PTB's?
4.24.2005
Absolute Truth
Three years ago, someone who was about to become a very close friend asked me if I believed in truth. This question, along with my state of mind at the time, led me on a search for truth and my philosophies on it. Part of my research involved William James' essays on pragmatism. Lately, I've been exploring my self and my philosophies...and this one has been brought up again and again. Thought I'd share my findings.
What is Truth?
Pragmatism and Truth
. . . if we take the universe of "fitting," countless coats "fit" backs, and countless boots "fit" feet, on which they are not practically fitted; countless stones "fit" gaps in walls into which no one seeks to fit them actually. In the same way countless opinions "fit" realities, and countless truths are valid, tho' no thinker ever thinks them.~ William James, in Philosophical Review (1908). The Pragmatist Account of Truth and Its Misunderstanders
The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths.~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth, as any dictionary will tell you, is a property of certain of our ideas. It means their "agreement," as falsity means their disagreement, with "reality."~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth is essentially a relation between two things, an idea, on the one hand, and a reality outside of the idea, on the other.~ William James, The Meaning of Truth (1909).
Truth is what works.~ William James
Against William James
And my thoughts:
Many people would claim that William James’ idea of truth indicates that truth is relative to the individual and to the situation. When first reading James’ lectures, I also believed that his account of truth seemed very subjective and was baffled as to how his views might support the idea that truth actually is absolute. However, upon more careful reading of “Lecture Six,” I was able to understand that William James actually supports an idea of absolute truth that, unlike the rationalist view of truth, allows functioning within truth even when later findings may discredit what beliefs we now hold.
James undoubtedly supports the idea that truth is absolute and even explains this in his lecture.
“The ‘absolutely’ true, meaning what no farther experience will ever alter, is that ideal vanishing point towards which we imagine that all our temporary truths will some day converge. It runs on all fours with the perfectly wise man and with the absolutely complete experience; and, if these ideals are ever realized, they will all be realized together. Meanwhile we have to live today by what truth we can get today, and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood.” (p222-223)
In this passage, James explains that absolute truth is that which we may eventually come to find and towards which we are always working. An absolute truth does exist, according to James, but we must understand that we do not always have access to it because we are restricted to what we can verify, either directly or indirectly through exchange of information with others. Because we are constantly finding new facts and working them into our system of already held beliefs, we are constantly changing what we believe to be true. These approximations we call truth converge on that ideal vanishing point of which James speaks. Even though our current truths (or our approximations of the truth) may change, we still need a way to identify them as truths and James offers that by defining truth as the process of verification.
James makes a point of demonstrating that one does not simply choose truth based on what he desires by stating that truth must agree with those things we already hold true and new facts with which we are presented. He states that,
“We mustn’t now call Abel ‘Cain’ or Cain “Abel.’ If we do, we ungear ourselves from the whole book of Genesis, and from all its connections with the universe of speech and fact down to the present time. We throw ourselves out of whatever truth that entire system of speech and fact may embody.” (p214)
This indicates that we cannot choose what we wish to hold as true because it must agree with all other truths already present. This process of gaining new truths by connecting them with already-believed truths brings us closer to James’ absolute truth. The truth he speaks of is certainly not relative; it is the act of pursuing that which we hope to find cannot be altered by new truths. It is the act of moving toward that vanishing point.
What is Truth?
Pragmatism and Truth
. . . if we take the universe of "fitting," countless coats "fit" backs, and countless boots "fit" feet, on which they are not practically fitted; countless stones "fit" gaps in walls into which no one seeks to fit them actually. In the same way countless opinions "fit" realities, and countless truths are valid, tho' no thinker ever thinks them.~ William James, in Philosophical Review (1908). The Pragmatist Account of Truth and Its Misunderstanders
The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths.~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth, as any dictionary will tell you, is a property of certain of our ideas. It means their "agreement," as falsity means their disagreement, with "reality."~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth is essentially a relation between two things, an idea, on the one hand, and a reality outside of the idea, on the other.~ William James, The Meaning of Truth (1909).
Truth is what works.~ William James
Against William James
And my thoughts:
Many people would claim that William James’ idea of truth indicates that truth is relative to the individual and to the situation. When first reading James’ lectures, I also believed that his account of truth seemed very subjective and was baffled as to how his views might support the idea that truth actually is absolute. However, upon more careful reading of “Lecture Six,” I was able to understand that William James actually supports an idea of absolute truth that, unlike the rationalist view of truth, allows functioning within truth even when later findings may discredit what beliefs we now hold.
James undoubtedly supports the idea that truth is absolute and even explains this in his lecture.
“The ‘absolutely’ true, meaning what no farther experience will ever alter, is that ideal vanishing point towards which we imagine that all our temporary truths will some day converge. It runs on all fours with the perfectly wise man and with the absolutely complete experience; and, if these ideals are ever realized, they will all be realized together. Meanwhile we have to live today by what truth we can get today, and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood.” (p222-223)
In this passage, James explains that absolute truth is that which we may eventually come to find and towards which we are always working. An absolute truth does exist, according to James, but we must understand that we do not always have access to it because we are restricted to what we can verify, either directly or indirectly through exchange of information with others. Because we are constantly finding new facts and working them into our system of already held beliefs, we are constantly changing what we believe to be true. These approximations we call truth converge on that ideal vanishing point of which James speaks. Even though our current truths (or our approximations of the truth) may change, we still need a way to identify them as truths and James offers that by defining truth as the process of verification.
James makes a point of demonstrating that one does not simply choose truth based on what he desires by stating that truth must agree with those things we already hold true and new facts with which we are presented. He states that,
“We mustn’t now call Abel ‘Cain’ or Cain “Abel.’ If we do, we ungear ourselves from the whole book of Genesis, and from all its connections with the universe of speech and fact down to the present time. We throw ourselves out of whatever truth that entire system of speech and fact may embody.” (p214)
This indicates that we cannot choose what we wish to hold as true because it must agree with all other truths already present. This process of gaining new truths by connecting them with already-believed truths brings us closer to James’ absolute truth. The truth he speaks of is certainly not relative; it is the act of pursuing that which we hope to find cannot be altered by new truths. It is the act of moving toward that vanishing point.
4.23.2005
Cautiously Optimistic
This seems to be my new term for everything good that happens in my life.
Although things haven't been going very well lately, some things have been looking better. For one, I get to go to San Francisco on Friday and spend a few days with Amy, who I haven't seen in so friggin long, and other friends and that beautiful city. Life is rough right now, but even that doesn't keep me from being soooo excited about my upcoming vacation. I also scored an interview while I'm out there, and it could be a really good fit...so we'll see. Very excited!
After I get back I only have two days of work before I'm off on another day to go to an interview in Kansas City. Not as exciting as San Francisco, but the job offer is certainly a big thing. Maybe life will smile on me for a bit :) I could use the sunshine.
On that note, I'm gonna go play with some puppies at the shelter now!
Although things haven't been going very well lately, some things have been looking better. For one, I get to go to San Francisco on Friday and spend a few days with Amy, who I haven't seen in so friggin long, and other friends and that beautiful city. Life is rough right now, but even that doesn't keep me from being soooo excited about my upcoming vacation. I also scored an interview while I'm out there, and it could be a really good fit...so we'll see. Very excited!
After I get back I only have two days of work before I'm off on another day to go to an interview in Kansas City. Not as exciting as San Francisco, but the job offer is certainly a big thing. Maybe life will smile on me for a bit :) I could use the sunshine.
On that note, I'm gonna go play with some puppies at the shelter now!
4.19.2005
Break Ups Suck
Most break-ups are some form of "you hurt me", "i hate you", or the ever useful "I love you but I'm not in love with you".
Those can be dealt with. The hurt ones make you feel betrayed and untrusting for awhile. The hate ones make you feel angry. The the I'm not in love with yous make you feel betrayed or guilty, depending on which party you are. You get to feel an appropriate emotion toward the other person that helps you get over it.
But what happens if you still really love someone, and you've just learned that it isn't going to work? How do you deal with it when you love someone so much that you're willing to reevaluate your needs and passions, but you learn that love isn't always enough. Fact is...love doesn't conquer all. Love can make you go a long way toward trying, but there's got to be some major strength of character, flexibility, and willingness to completely change a personality to make it work sometimes. And personality changes? Those are definitely a bad idea...unless of course you're going for the dissociative identity disorder appeal.
Of course some of you might say, if it's not going to work, you must not love each other enough...or maybe that if the personalities are so different, you shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place.
I disagree. Some people come along at times in your life when you think you're ready for a change...and maybe you feel like they have a way of doing things that could work for you. Once you get there, though, you realize that you had to try something new, but then you have to balance it back out with how you were before so that you can accumulate through your life rather than changing from phase to phase. Hopefully, they can adopt some of your ways and you can reach a happy give and take that lets you move forward in your life together. Sometimes, however, you shock the hell out of that person by trying to balance back toward your old ways and it just doesn't work. Maybe they've met someone like you before...maybe they've tried your ways. Maybe they're trying now, but it's just not who they are.
You've changed for them, you think, so why can't they change a bit for me? BUt you have to realize you are asking someone to change their personality for you. You offered, you adapted, but just because you did doesn't mean they are able to. And did you really adapt all that much anyway? You can't be too sure. Introspection is never objective.
So one day you're having a conversation that epitomizes your constant clash of personalities and values. All of a sudden, you see yourself as adults, with children, with real responsibilities...trying to figure it all out. If you're trying to change each other now...if these little things are such a big deal every single time they come up...how on earth are you going to handle it when it's the big things?
You see yourself never changing. You see yourself losing sight of your values and your dreams because you've had to adapt just a little too much. You know that you've done the same to this person who is supposed to be your love. You love this person so much you can't let go, but you finally realize that you will never be yourself, never be understood, never understand, and never be truly happy if you keep expecting changes that should never have to be made.
So you end it. You cry. You try to deal with your broken heart without anger or blame or guilt because none of that really fits here. You try to move towards friends, but you still have so much love. You know it's for the best. You know one day you'll be friends. And you know you will always love each other.
My love for you will never change.
Those can be dealt with. The hurt ones make you feel betrayed and untrusting for awhile. The hate ones make you feel angry. The the I'm not in love with yous make you feel betrayed or guilty, depending on which party you are. You get to feel an appropriate emotion toward the other person that helps you get over it.
But what happens if you still really love someone, and you've just learned that it isn't going to work? How do you deal with it when you love someone so much that you're willing to reevaluate your needs and passions, but you learn that love isn't always enough. Fact is...love doesn't conquer all. Love can make you go a long way toward trying, but there's got to be some major strength of character, flexibility, and willingness to completely change a personality to make it work sometimes. And personality changes? Those are definitely a bad idea...unless of course you're going for the dissociative identity disorder appeal.
Of course some of you might say, if it's not going to work, you must not love each other enough...or maybe that if the personalities are so different, you shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place.
I disagree. Some people come along at times in your life when you think you're ready for a change...and maybe you feel like they have a way of doing things that could work for you. Once you get there, though, you realize that you had to try something new, but then you have to balance it back out with how you were before so that you can accumulate through your life rather than changing from phase to phase. Hopefully, they can adopt some of your ways and you can reach a happy give and take that lets you move forward in your life together. Sometimes, however, you shock the hell out of that person by trying to balance back toward your old ways and it just doesn't work. Maybe they've met someone like you before...maybe they've tried your ways. Maybe they're trying now, but it's just not who they are.
You've changed for them, you think, so why can't they change a bit for me? BUt you have to realize you are asking someone to change their personality for you. You offered, you adapted, but just because you did doesn't mean they are able to. And did you really adapt all that much anyway? You can't be too sure. Introspection is never objective.
So one day you're having a conversation that epitomizes your constant clash of personalities and values. All of a sudden, you see yourself as adults, with children, with real responsibilities...trying to figure it all out. If you're trying to change each other now...if these little things are such a big deal every single time they come up...how on earth are you going to handle it when it's the big things?
You see yourself never changing. You see yourself losing sight of your values and your dreams because you've had to adapt just a little too much. You know that you've done the same to this person who is supposed to be your love. You love this person so much you can't let go, but you finally realize that you will never be yourself, never be understood, never understand, and never be truly happy if you keep expecting changes that should never have to be made.
So you end it. You cry. You try to deal with your broken heart without anger or blame or guilt because none of that really fits here. You try to move towards friends, but you still have so much love. You know it's for the best. You know one day you'll be friends. And you know you will always love each other.
My love for you will never change.
4.13.2005
Redneck-ified Chinese Food
I'm just learned that cashew chicken is not a dish that can be eaten with chopsticks out of the little chinese to go box.
If you're ever in southwest Missouri, you should order Cashew Chicken. You can only get true Ozark cashew chicken in Springfield and the surrounding area. Basically, there was a large immigration of Chinese people here in the 50s or something, and they all opened restaurants. They then all promptly failed b/c rednecks aren't into that weird new fangled Asian food (we JUST last year got our second sushi restaurant, and the first one used sushi as a sidebar and the steakhouse aspect as the main attraction...now we're booming with sushi bars, though). Well, in order to keep from going out of business, someone in this town invented cashew chicken. Yes, I realize that's a dish you can get in a lot of places, but it's different here. Basically what they did was take the chicken that every other restaurant puts in general's chicken or sesame chicken or whatnot, took out those hot red peppers so it's not spicy, took out any vegetables that might give it a semblance of actually being a Chinese dish, and added redneck gravy. Until I moved to St. Louis, getting Chinese meant getting cashew chicken...which meant getting chicken nuggets on rice with brown gravy and cashews and NOTHING ELSE on it. At all the Chinese restaurants, and even at the sushi bars here, you still have to ask for chopsticks...and even funnier to me...you can get chopsticks at the Thai place. And there's no such thing as Chinese delivery. The only foods that deliver here are pizza and deli stuff. We do, however, have lots of Chinese drive through, and my favorite place boasts the best cashew chicken in town. Given that I had enough growing up to mean I never have to try it again (and once I tried real chinese food I started a new addiction) I'd never ordered it. Last night I was feeling country, but wanted egg rolls, too, so I went and got cashew chicken. This always means a wonderfully cold lunch out of the box the next day. The brown gravy we Ozarkers have added to the dish, though, congeals in such a way that my chopsticks skills are worthless.
You learn something new every day.
If you're ever in southwest Missouri, you should order Cashew Chicken. You can only get true Ozark cashew chicken in Springfield and the surrounding area. Basically, there was a large immigration of Chinese people here in the 50s or something, and they all opened restaurants. They then all promptly failed b/c rednecks aren't into that weird new fangled Asian food (we JUST last year got our second sushi restaurant, and the first one used sushi as a sidebar and the steakhouse aspect as the main attraction...now we're booming with sushi bars, though). Well, in order to keep from going out of business, someone in this town invented cashew chicken. Yes, I realize that's a dish you can get in a lot of places, but it's different here. Basically what they did was take the chicken that every other restaurant puts in general's chicken or sesame chicken or whatnot, took out those hot red peppers so it's not spicy, took out any vegetables that might give it a semblance of actually being a Chinese dish, and added redneck gravy. Until I moved to St. Louis, getting Chinese meant getting cashew chicken...which meant getting chicken nuggets on rice with brown gravy and cashews and NOTHING ELSE on it. At all the Chinese restaurants, and even at the sushi bars here, you still have to ask for chopsticks...and even funnier to me...you can get chopsticks at the Thai place. And there's no such thing as Chinese delivery. The only foods that deliver here are pizza and deli stuff. We do, however, have lots of Chinese drive through, and my favorite place boasts the best cashew chicken in town. Given that I had enough growing up to mean I never have to try it again (and once I tried real chinese food I started a new addiction) I'd never ordered it. Last night I was feeling country, but wanted egg rolls, too, so I went and got cashew chicken. This always means a wonderfully cold lunch out of the box the next day. The brown gravy we Ozarkers have added to the dish, though, congeals in such a way that my chopsticks skills are worthless.
You learn something new every day.
4.02.2005
Why I Take Pride in My Status as a Wash U Alum
BREAST CANCER VACCINE MAY BE ON THE HORIZON:
Researchers at WashingtonUniversity School of Medicine and the Alvin J. Siteman Cancer Center arereporting progress toward development of a breast cancer vaccine.Researchers are studying a protein called mammaglobin-A, which is found in80 percent of breast tumors. Utilizing a DNA vaccine they constructed,they plan to now conduct clinical trials in patients who are at very highrisk for breast cancer and in patients who have had a relapse after initialtreatment.
Researchers at WashingtonUniversity School of Medicine and the Alvin J. Siteman Cancer Center arereporting progress toward development of a breast cancer vaccine.Researchers are studying a protein called mammaglobin-A, which is found in80 percent of breast tumors. Utilizing a DNA vaccine they constructed,they plan to now conduct clinical trials in patients who are at very highrisk for breast cancer and in patients who have had a relapse after initialtreatment.
4.01.2005
SoCoTussin
I called my mom tonight...exasperated with my coughing to the point of tears. My sweet old German mama says, "do you have any whiskey?" I seem to remember as a child being given teaspoonsful of whiskey mixed with honey when I couldn't stop coughing. Conveniently, it actually works. And not because it gets you drunk...sipping it loosens up those asthmatic lungs. Good to know. I'm gonna be an alkie tomorrow.
3.23.2005
Sunshine-y Thoughts
I asked the Mandys to send me sunny thoughts. Mandyreen's reply?
1) Barry Manilow in a gold lamé thong
2) Richard Simmons eyeing Barry longingly
3) Both of them doing Sweating to the 70's Ballads
I'm sure Ricardo does a mean Mandy interpretative dance!
Yeah, my face is a bit more smiley :)
1) Barry Manilow in a gold lamé thong
2) Richard Simmons eyeing Barry longingly
3) Both of them doing Sweating to the 70's Ballads
I'm sure Ricardo does a mean Mandy interpretative dance!
Yeah, my face is a bit more smiley :)
Happy Camper Anxiety
A meeting was held this morning to determine the future of Happy Camper. Right now, my boss is away finding out the results of that meeting. When she comes back, she will know the future of my job. For all I know, I could be asked to pack up and leave today. I'm just a teensy bit on edge. Anyone wanna buy me a drink?
3.22.2005
Shout out to the L-Dawg
Linz is the most beautiful, most amazing person I have ever encountered. She is always there to help you with anything you need. She has the greatest circle of friends and you know if Linz loves em, you're going to love em, too. She introduced me to the only church where I've really felt at home, and makes me long to be back there with her tales of sermons and random adventures. Linz has a heart bigger than a two-trunked pink elephant and shares it with everyone who receives her smile. Sometimes she laughs when you cry, but only as she's hugging you and telling you how beautiful you are...she has true faith that all will be well so she offers up humor rather than pity. Linz shakes your world with excitement over what you used to think were the most mundane things. She gets you pumped up and laughing even when life has you curled up in the fetal position. Everyone needs a Linz. Few of us are lucky enough to have one. I am bless.
I miss you, Murl.
Check out Linzer's fantastic blog!
I miss you, Murl.
Check out Linzer's fantastic blog!
3.04.2005
My sunny disposition
I just read over the past few blogs and realized how horribly depressed I sound. Well, that's cause I was when I wrote them, I guess. Things aren't going great with Happy Camper, but I have hope for what can happen now. And the boy and I are just fine and dandy. Just thought I'd let you know I hadn't crawled into a hole to die. The sun is shining and life gets better every day.
3.01.2005
A good friend sent me this story and it made me smile during a period of frustration and confusion:
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:
I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die. I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me." I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...
Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:
I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die. I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me." I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...
Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
2.27.2005
"Their love is deeper than desire, than affection, than respect, so deep that its wellspring is humor. Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other."
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy
2.25.2005
What it's all about:
http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html
Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.
First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH
http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html
Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.
First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH
2.24.2005
Screenname: How have you been?
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard
2.18.2005
When you spiral down into an emotional pit, it's difficult to see the other side of things. Even when it only lasts a few days, it feels like things will at the best be numb for awhile. I felt like there was no resolution and I just had to wait it all out to let the emotions blow over. Who would have thought that one well spoken statement could change it all. Everything looks brighter, the pressure has lifted away from my chest a bit, and my eyes sure as hell don't hurt as much. It's amazing what a little communication--real communication--can do.
Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.
Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.
2.11.2005
Happy Camper Frustrations
It’s already been a rough day. My boss called me in to ask me about my time sheet that I turned into her for payroll. She told me that we have to have discussions about events that I attend because I shouldn’t be getting paid for them. My understanding is that she was speaking for the board and not herself, but she told me that salaried employees were “volunteering” their time, so I should be, too. I pointed out that salaried employees get to leave for doctor appointments or car check ups or what not without taking a dock in their pay, so they make up for it by working after hours events occasionally and it all evens out. I, however, don’t get to leave, or be five minutes late, without taking a dock in my pay because my paycheck is based on what’s recorded on paper. Therefore, when I have to work events and such it is extra time, not part of a balance like it is with the salaried employees. I pointed out to her that when she and the program services manager were sick and stayed home from work, they didn’t take a dock in their pay, but I didn’t get paid at all for those hours I was gone. She said that salaried employees accrue sick time. I told her that I accrue sick time, too, but NONE of us get to take it until we’ve been here six months. They’ve both already taken some. She told me that the board discussion was simply that we had to talk about events and determine whether they would be volunteer events for me. I told her very frankly that I would not do them if they were volunteer events. She told me I didn’t need to get that way with her. I calmed a bit and said that it wasn’t about her, I was frustrated with the board, and that with the way they have been treating us lately I will not be doing volunteer work. I will gladly volunteer as a wishgranter, but I will not volunteer time that I’ve been getting paid for and that I should have as my sole job anyway. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but that I was very frustrated with the board. She told me that it wasn’t my job to worry about the board, she was doing that. Except that it’s everything about my life that it’s affecting. Anyway, I went back in a few minutes later and just apologized for getting defensive. She told me it was no problem, she didn’t blame me, and then we moved on to happier conversations and looking at pics of her husbands trip to Korea where he is right now.
I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?
I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*
I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?
I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*
2.06.2005
2.01.2005
Part of my job should NOT be protecting my company's from people trying to exploit us. There are so many small businesses out there, especially people who run their own start ups, that try to take advantage of the logo. They're trying to get us to do free publicity for them in exchange for a 10% donation. Seriously...when they only reason you're donating to us is to get something from us, the donation should be a little larger than that. Argh.
1.11.2005
Greg's dad flew up from Tampa last weekend. -- Greg is the boyfriend. This is significant...I named the puppy (see Sweetest Thing), so it looks like I'll have to keep him now. :) -- Anyway, Greg's dad and stepmom flew up and we had a very cool visit. I played nice and they thought well of me. And you know it's an entertaining weekend when conversation surrounds the size of your boyfriend's sister's childhood turds.
So I've been browsing tall websites and feeling annoyed with the lack of clothing available. This is what I found:
A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com
Rock on.
On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm
Sad.
A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com
Rock on.
On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm
Sad.
Today I found myself caught in one of the many "can't win" cycles of early adulthood. I want to be the new Director of Development. In order to get the promotion, I need to be able to look professional in the business community. To look professional, I need a professional wardrobe. Additions to a wardrobe cost money. To get money, I need a promotion. Yuck.
Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)
Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)
1.05.2005
I have this absolutely incredible boyfriend and things are going so well...but none of you would know that for sure because I never write about him. I've discovered four main reasons:
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.
I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.
I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)
12.20.2004
Got my hair done. Tried to go brunette, but told the chick i was a bit scared of the color change. Thought it was really dark until I dried it, and now it's just a dark blonde. Too dark to be a great blonde, too light to be a real brunette. Hrm.
On a more successful note, I finally got our office completely into the 21st century. I did away with carbon copy receipts and finally switched to computer printouts. WOO HOO! Yay for not having to use the friggin typewriter anymore!
Christmas with the boyfriend's family this weekend. On Sunday he basically handed over control of his credit card to me so I could buy them all gifts. Way fun. Seriously love buying gifts for people, especially with other people's money. Can't wait to hang out with them while they open the presents now.
On a more successful note, I finally got our office completely into the 21st century. I did away with carbon copy receipts and finally switched to computer printouts. WOO HOO! Yay for not having to use the friggin typewriter anymore!
Christmas with the boyfriend's family this weekend. On Sunday he basically handed over control of his credit card to me so I could buy them all gifts. Way fun. Seriously love buying gifts for people, especially with other people's money. Can't wait to hang out with them while they open the presents now.
12.06.2004
11.29.2004
11.26.2004
Happy Thanksgiving
Started very well. Had Wed. off so I could clean and prepare, the wonderful boy came down for the holiday weekend and helped out a bit. Apartment, with exception of my room, was spotless and everything was where it belonged for the first time since we moved in. Dinner prep went very well. Made a whole hell of a lot of food and everyone said we made too much. Good thing, because we only had enough leftovers to do lunch today. Corey made yummy broccoli and cheese casserole, we had turkey and mom's dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade cranberry sauce, two kinds of sweet potatoes (cause I don't like the really sweet ones with all the extra stuff on them), pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin pie, devilled eggs, fruit salad, and spicy chocolate cookies. Not too shabby. Mom and her boy came, Dad and Joan, Pat, Chuck and his boy, and then Corey and Greg. We had lots of wine and started drinking at 2pm. It was fabulous. After the parental units left, we cracked out the hard alcohol and turned it into a full fledged party. Corey molested my boyfriend, Heather came over and taught us how to salsa her way, and Chuck's boy provided us with enough alcohol to last us til next Thanksgiving. We woke up this morning to a kitchen full of awful smelly dishes and sticky flooring, and a floor full of half empty drink glasses. Yum. Some Thanksgiving :) Bet the pilgrims didn't have this much fun.
11.24.2004
11.23.2004
Thanksgiving...this is my first one at MY home. I'm cooking for the family, including Mom and her new boyfriend (yeah, weird, my MOTHER kissed a man after like 9 years of no interaction with the opposite sex...scary), my dad and his gf, my boyfriend, my roommate, a friend and his roommate, and possibly my sister and her family. I sooooo am wondering if I thought I could handle more than I actually can. It'll be fun, though. I scored a three day holiday so that I can be off tomorrow to get ready.
I experienced the first death of a child whose case I actually worked on yesterday. We were just talking about her an hour or so before her mom called. This one was unexpected. It's the sad part of what we do here.
I experienced the first death of a child whose case I actually worked on yesterday. We were just talking about her an hour or so before her mom called. This one was unexpected. It's the sad part of what we do here.
11.10.2004
The dark side of non-profits
I've been receiving calls as of late, at home and at work, from people telling me we called them to ask for money, or asking who the wishing well foundation is and if that's us here at our office. Well, here's the deal. The Wishing Well Foundation is an organization in Louisiana. They have fundraising companies based in Iowa and Missouri that do telemarketing.
This is the dirt I uncovered on them:
http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/childrenswish.html
I would say this is enough for me state that they are not legit. We will NEVER NEVER call you to ask for money. NO PHONE SOLICITATIONS.
Be careful where you spend your money.
And heck, if you're gonna spend your money, email me and I'll give you the address of a non-profit in desperate need of what you've got. :)
This is the dirt I uncovered on them:
http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/childrenswish.html
I would say this is enough for me state that they are not legit. We will NEVER NEVER call you to ask for money. NO PHONE SOLICITATIONS.
Be careful where you spend your money.
And heck, if you're gonna spend your money, email me and I'll give you the address of a non-profit in desperate need of what you've got. :)
11.09.2004
Another great political post.
www.fuckthesouth.com
although probably somewhat blasphemous coming from me, I suppose :)
www.fuckthesouth.com
although probably somewhat blasphemous coming from me, I suppose :)
11.07.2004
10.20.2004
10.12.2004
9.24.2004
I GOT THE JOB!
Hey...anyone wanna work with an amazing little girl as a community integration specialist? Email Me! I need a replacement.
Hey...anyone wanna work with an amazing little girl as a community integration specialist? Email Me! I need a replacement.
9.21.2004
What A Girl Wants
Ray Blackston's version of what men MUST do for women, as told in a dialogue in his novel, Flabbergasted:
After a young man mentions the idea of there being one person for everyone that has been well hidden thus far, two young women have the following to say:
"Don't believe that. If I stay in South Carolina, I could meet somebody. Or if I were to move to Idaho, I could meet somebody else. But if I married either one, that one would be the right now."
"But the right one has to prove he's the right one."
"He has to treat you like a precious gem, but he needs to be in a real relationship with God first."
"All of that opening of doors and bringing of flowers is a given. A guy's momma shoulda taught 'im that."
"At least that."
"Birthdays and annivesaries seared into his brain."
"That, too."
"Without even asking, he should know if I'm happy or sad or somewhere in between."
"And none of those yes-men who agree with everything, like if a girl says she loves moldy cheese and the guy says he loves moldy cheese, too. We don't need that."
"Definitely don't need that."
"And no calling us at 11:00pm on Thursday, requesting a date for Friday."
"That wouldn't be courteous."
"And if you want to skimp on something, skimp on the price of your lawnmower or your golf clubs, or sit in the cheap seats at the ball games. But don't skimp on us."
"That's a fact."
"And after a nice evening, call us the next day and tell us we're special."
"That'd be nice."
"And if we go to the same church and then break up, don't sit next to us during the Sunday morning service and ask to share a hymnal."
"Yuck."
"But if we get back together, make it clear that we girls can order whatever meal we want, since the price of steak versus meatloaf pales in comparison to a lifetime of love and devotion."
"Another thing...he should never, on a date or any other social occasion, let us get into situations that might be even slightly perceived as compromising."
"Now, just take good notes and inform the entire male populace."
After a young man mentions the idea of there being one person for everyone that has been well hidden thus far, two young women have the following to say:
"Don't believe that. If I stay in South Carolina, I could meet somebody. Or if I were to move to Idaho, I could meet somebody else. But if I married either one, that one would be the right now."
"But the right one has to prove he's the right one."
"He has to treat you like a precious gem, but he needs to be in a real relationship with God first."
"All of that opening of doors and bringing of flowers is a given. A guy's momma shoulda taught 'im that."
"At least that."
"Birthdays and annivesaries seared into his brain."
"That, too."
"Without even asking, he should know if I'm happy or sad or somewhere in between."
"And none of those yes-men who agree with everything, like if a girl says she loves moldy cheese and the guy says he loves moldy cheese, too. We don't need that."
"Definitely don't need that."
"And no calling us at 11:00pm on Thursday, requesting a date for Friday."
"That wouldn't be courteous."
"And if you want to skimp on something, skimp on the price of your lawnmower or your golf clubs, or sit in the cheap seats at the ball games. But don't skimp on us."
"That's a fact."
"And after a nice evening, call us the next day and tell us we're special."
"That'd be nice."
"And if we go to the same church and then break up, don't sit next to us during the Sunday morning service and ask to share a hymnal."
"Yuck."
"But if we get back together, make it clear that we girls can order whatever meal we want, since the price of steak versus meatloaf pales in comparison to a lifetime of love and devotion."
"Another thing...he should never, on a date or any other social occasion, let us get into situations that might be even slightly perceived as compromising."
"Now, just take good notes and inform the entire male populace."
9.20.2004
I'm such a dork. Happy Camper calls to set up the interview with the board, and I feel all comfortable with the director because we've had this ongoing thing now during this hiring porcess...so she asks what time I want to meet and I say noon. Thinking about how far it is from BN, I decide I should probably move it, but instead of being professional, stupid little me goes (in an excited voice), "Oh, can we move it to 12:15? In case there's traffic, I don't want to make a bad impression on him." She says, "oooookay" with an incredulous tone. A little too comfy there, eh? I'm a dork. And if I don't get the job now I feel the gods of interviewing are going to remove my tongue. Seriously. Bah.
9.19.2004
9.14.2004
The Stinkin' Drunk Twelve Step Program
Step One: The Call of the Drink
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the inital lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink.
(The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)
Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs--Dialing While Intoxicated--which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step Eight: "It's Ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step Ten: I Love Being Me
Your are witty. You begin feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.
Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.
from The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the inital lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink.
(The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)
Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs--Dialing While Intoxicated--which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step Eight: "It's Ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step Ten: I Love Being Me
Your are witty. You begin feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.
Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.
from The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
9.10.2004
9.09.2004
I didn't get the job with Happy Camper Foundation*. The exec director is trying to create a position for me, but the board won't do it. What they did do was add a fundraising aspect to the office manager position and make it full time. Now the exec director wants to offer me that position but she has to let the treasurer interview for the office manager part of it. That means he wants someone with accounting experience, which I don't have. I'm interviewing next week for it. We'll see what happens.
*Some names are made up to protect the innocent :)
*Some names are made up to protect the innocent :)
9.08.2004
9.07.2004
9.06.2004
Mike left on Sunday after spending a week in town. It's nice. For once in my life it's not this highly dramatic emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. He leaves, it sucks, but it's all okay, not a huge deal. I feel very normal for the first time in a long time. It's sad, though...we made it work so well this week that I totaly feel like it could actually work and I'm just a bit melancholy that it was only for a week. I miss him.
Just finished watching 13 Going on 30 AGAIN. I LOVE this movie!!!! Love it sooo much, but it makes me cry like a friggin jr high girl who just got ditched at a party. Who finds that kind of love? Who meets someone that is just their best friend and then ends up totally in love and happy and married and sitting on a luxurious white couch in the front yard of their brand new pink house in a manhattan suburb? Who? The movie is a fairytale, but it's so depressing because I'm never gonna have that pink house. How sad.
I WANT THE PINK HOUSE DAMMIT!
I WANT THE PINK HOUSE DAMMIT!
8.17.2004
8.12.2004
Exeriences of the last 24 hours...
3 trips to the DMV
12 yr old bodybuilder's enema
bite from a 12 yr old with jaws of steel
2 shots of tequila
5 michelob lights
2 white russians
new car (almost)
cat fight (literally)
job application
reprimand from a librarian
application for a death certificate
discovery of Quick Trip's refusal to carry Mounds bars
a good friend and a car ride
realizing I have pictures of KTTS' newest DJ in undies
12 yr old bodybuilder's enema
bite from a 12 yr old with jaws of steel
2 shots of tequila
5 michelob lights
2 white russians
new car (almost)
cat fight (literally)
job application
reprimand from a librarian
application for a death certificate
discovery of Quick Trip's refusal to carry Mounds bars
a good friend and a car ride
realizing I have pictures of KTTS' newest DJ in undies
8.10.2004
7.28.2004
7.07.2004
At a young age little girls plan grand weddings for Barbie and Ken, play house with the neighborhood boys (assuming one of them will voluntarily play daddy), and watch Disney princesses fight their way towards that handsome prince.
Well, little girls grow up. We find someone who fits the bill and assign him Charming status. Eventually that blows up in our face because no man could ever live up to the expectations we set for that first time around. A couple of these pass through our lives and we lower our expectations a bit. We no longer care about things we were told Prince Charming had because we learn about the things we need as individuals. At some point we'd simply be happy for a human of the xy variety who can hold down a job and kiss well.
Then we meet him. That man who surpasses our low expectations and shows us that reality can hold so much more. We rush into it full force thinking this is the greatest thing ever and this is what movies like Casablanca are all about. We know this is the one. We give willingly of ourselves, knowing that we will die holding hands with this amazing man. Then one day, we realize what we thought we had was a mirage created by all those supressed fantasies we thought we'd long forgotten. We learn that he isn't really what we thought. Our hearts shatter into tiny pieces and we try desparately to round them all up before they wash away in the river of our tears. We are crushed. We are cynical. But we still want that fairy tale. We are determined to wait, cautious with our hopes and our happiness.
Some time later, we meet him. That one who might not blow us away at the beginning, but makes us want to believe. That one who, when we give him the chance, shows us that love really can be all that we ever dreamed...it just might not be exactly to our specifications. That one who loves us even when we're shitty or overemotional or dorky or drunk or cranky or just plain ourselves. We don't give into it right away...we've been hurt, we want to guard our hearts. The pieces may be back in place, but there are still a few missing. How do you give your heart away when it's no longer whole? So we bide our time. We enjoy quick kisses and uncertain smiles of happiness. The words "I love you" make us cringe and smile all at the same time. We never really let him be certain that we're in this for the long haul, because we aren't yet certain. We force him to keep pursuing, persuading, in hopes that one day he will convince us that he is our prince. We take it slowly, and let ourselves move along the road towards the possible.
One day, we can no longer wait. He has pursued long enough. We know this man is everything we want, everything we've ever wanted, and we open up that heart. It's fragile, but we offer it out to him anyway. Cracks and dents and all. We let him in. We let him see through the cracks and take a walk through that heart. We let him see how much we care about him. We stop forcing him to pursue us, and we show him that we long for him just the same. We are in love.
Then we get scared. Shit, we think, he's in there. The last one was in there and took so much of that heart with him. What if this one doesn't love me now that he knows I love him? Maybe he likes the chase...now that he has me he'll stop wanting me. Or maybe he likes a girl of mystery...now that he's seen it all he'll lose interest. This poor little heart can't take that. Our frantic thoughts take over recent thoughts of love and happiness, until we can no longer enjoy the good without tainting it with fear.
We tell him. He reassures us. He doesn't understand.
Yeah, so. The last one reassured us, too, the Fucker.
So now we're scared, insecure, and not ourselves. Now he starts to see the side of us we never wanted to show anyone. He gets frustrated with our fear. Now, we wonder, will he run?
Our first reaction is to gain control again. We're scared on this supposedly level (but to us, oh so unlevel) playing ground and we need to take a step back so that we can compose ourselves. So we have to take it all back. We can't go back in time, but we can pull away. So we pull from his arms. We wait for him to call us again. We watch the clock and make ourselves wait exactly 47 minutes to call him after we have the first impulse. We only tell him we love him when he says it first. We start a new hobby. We suddenly aren't available on Friday nights. We pull back so that he won't see what a mess we are inside. We pull back to regain that aura of mystery so he won't lose interest. We pull back so that he will, again, be forced to pursue us.
Sometimes, he doesn't pursue us. We say, fuck it, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the one...and move on. Knowing all along that we killed it with our insecurity, but unable to let go of the fear. We hope that one day we'll find the one who keeps pursuing. The one who won't let us run. The one who will grab us and yell us to stop being so fucking crazy and realize how madly in love with us he is and that he will always be there no matter how neurotic we are and how much we try to pull away. He'll yell it at us until we're not sure if we should cry or laugh, and then he'll kiss us hard and tell us again and again that he wants us and that we have absolutely nothing to fear. And then he'll kiss us long and soft and slow. A seal for the promise of the depth of his love.
We hope we'll find that one. We want to believe in that one. We want to believe that THIS one IS THAT one. But while we hope, we expect the worst. He will fail us. He will run. Could anyone ever REALLY love this mess? Probably not. So we kill every chance at love with our insecurity, hoping that someday someone will be strong enough to show us that we have nothing to fear...that he will fight us for us. And that he will hold our hands while, together, we fight through to the other side, where we are not scared and all is bliss. We want to be with him in that land where fear succumbs to absolute unconditional true love.
We want the same thing we wanted when we were still those little girls and our biggest questions involved the clothing of Barbie's bridesmaids.
We want the fairy tale.
Well, little girls grow up. We find someone who fits the bill and assign him Charming status. Eventually that blows up in our face because no man could ever live up to the expectations we set for that first time around. A couple of these pass through our lives and we lower our expectations a bit. We no longer care about things we were told Prince Charming had because we learn about the things we need as individuals. At some point we'd simply be happy for a human of the xy variety who can hold down a job and kiss well.
Then we meet him. That man who surpasses our low expectations and shows us that reality can hold so much more. We rush into it full force thinking this is the greatest thing ever and this is what movies like Casablanca are all about. We know this is the one. We give willingly of ourselves, knowing that we will die holding hands with this amazing man. Then one day, we realize what we thought we had was a mirage created by all those supressed fantasies we thought we'd long forgotten. We learn that he isn't really what we thought. Our hearts shatter into tiny pieces and we try desparately to round them all up before they wash away in the river of our tears. We are crushed. We are cynical. But we still want that fairy tale. We are determined to wait, cautious with our hopes and our happiness.
Some time later, we meet him. That one who might not blow us away at the beginning, but makes us want to believe. That one who, when we give him the chance, shows us that love really can be all that we ever dreamed...it just might not be exactly to our specifications. That one who loves us even when we're shitty or overemotional or dorky or drunk or cranky or just plain ourselves. We don't give into it right away...we've been hurt, we want to guard our hearts. The pieces may be back in place, but there are still a few missing. How do you give your heart away when it's no longer whole? So we bide our time. We enjoy quick kisses and uncertain smiles of happiness. The words "I love you" make us cringe and smile all at the same time. We never really let him be certain that we're in this for the long haul, because we aren't yet certain. We force him to keep pursuing, persuading, in hopes that one day he will convince us that he is our prince. We take it slowly, and let ourselves move along the road towards the possible.
One day, we can no longer wait. He has pursued long enough. We know this man is everything we want, everything we've ever wanted, and we open up that heart. It's fragile, but we offer it out to him anyway. Cracks and dents and all. We let him in. We let him see through the cracks and take a walk through that heart. We let him see how much we care about him. We stop forcing him to pursue us, and we show him that we long for him just the same. We are in love.
Then we get scared. Shit, we think, he's in there. The last one was in there and took so much of that heart with him. What if this one doesn't love me now that he knows I love him? Maybe he likes the chase...now that he has me he'll stop wanting me. Or maybe he likes a girl of mystery...now that he's seen it all he'll lose interest. This poor little heart can't take that. Our frantic thoughts take over recent thoughts of love and happiness, until we can no longer enjoy the good without tainting it with fear.
We tell him. He reassures us. He doesn't understand.
Yeah, so. The last one reassured us, too, the Fucker.
So now we're scared, insecure, and not ourselves. Now he starts to see the side of us we never wanted to show anyone. He gets frustrated with our fear. Now, we wonder, will he run?
Our first reaction is to gain control again. We're scared on this supposedly level (but to us, oh so unlevel) playing ground and we need to take a step back so that we can compose ourselves. So we have to take it all back. We can't go back in time, but we can pull away. So we pull from his arms. We wait for him to call us again. We watch the clock and make ourselves wait exactly 47 minutes to call him after we have the first impulse. We only tell him we love him when he says it first. We start a new hobby. We suddenly aren't available on Friday nights. We pull back so that he won't see what a mess we are inside. We pull back to regain that aura of mystery so he won't lose interest. We pull back so that he will, again, be forced to pursue us.
Sometimes, he doesn't pursue us. We say, fuck it, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the one...and move on. Knowing all along that we killed it with our insecurity, but unable to let go of the fear. We hope that one day we'll find the one who keeps pursuing. The one who won't let us run. The one who will grab us and yell us to stop being so fucking crazy and realize how madly in love with us he is and that he will always be there no matter how neurotic we are and how much we try to pull away. He'll yell it at us until we're not sure if we should cry or laugh, and then he'll kiss us hard and tell us again and again that he wants us and that we have absolutely nothing to fear. And then he'll kiss us long and soft and slow. A seal for the promise of the depth of his love.
We hope we'll find that one. We want to believe in that one. We want to believe that THIS one IS THAT one. But while we hope, we expect the worst. He will fail us. He will run. Could anyone ever REALLY love this mess? Probably not. So we kill every chance at love with our insecurity, hoping that someday someone will be strong enough to show us that we have nothing to fear...that he will fight us for us. And that he will hold our hands while, together, we fight through to the other side, where we are not scared and all is bliss. We want to be with him in that land where fear succumbs to absolute unconditional true love.
We want the same thing we wanted when we were still those little girls and our biggest questions involved the clothing of Barbie's bridesmaids.
We want the fairy tale.
7.06.2004
6.23.2004
6.18.2004
6.13.2004
Oh Mandy. What a night.
Not particularly wild or anything, just interesting.
Went to Martha's. Did NOT want to go. Was not up for dealing with drama queeny queens and was PMSy and knew I couldn't get drunk, so it was all a bit much for me last night.
Got to Martha's. Looked hot, but for who? Lots of older lesbians there last night. Thought I recognized a chick I knew when I walked in and did a double take. She thought I was checking her out and grabbed my ass later.
Random little very fem guy comes up and says he has to introduce himself to me. Apparently he saw me at Chuck's bday in my fem version of drag and thought I was cool for wearing a tie and bowler hat. Decided I was fun and he had to know me. Invited us to a party next week and to make out with him. uh...no.
Tall chick...my height...came up to me. Actually only 6'2 but in big heels...also much bigger than me, made me feel small and a little uncomfortable. Not a fan of looking slightly up to anyone.
Talking to her when older lesbian approaches to ask if I'm gay. I say no, she says oh, with a disappointed look. Turns out not to be because of her interest, but because her friend grabbed my ass. Her friend is straight. So I guess she wanted her one time experience or something. Won't be with me.
Lesbian proceeds to tell me and tall chick that we should be together and that we shouldn't be at martha's if we're not looking for ass from a woman. Excuse me? ugh. I know it's a meat market...but that's why I enjoy...I'm not PART of that meat market. Bah.
Sidewalk sale outside after closing involved lots of rain, with me in a pale yellow tank and newly straightened hair, dammit. Fanagled Corey into making out with hot guy who wanted to take his picture in the rain in the street. It was great, but Corey didn't think he was hot.
Hot army guy was def sending signs of hitting on Corey, but when prodded said he wasn't gay. So confusing.
Soaked through and through we left, tired and cold and ready to curl up in bed.
Not particularly wild or anything, just interesting.
Went to Martha's. Did NOT want to go. Was not up for dealing with drama queeny queens and was PMSy and knew I couldn't get drunk, so it was all a bit much for me last night.
Got to Martha's. Looked hot, but for who? Lots of older lesbians there last night. Thought I recognized a chick I knew when I walked in and did a double take. She thought I was checking her out and grabbed my ass later.
Random little very fem guy comes up and says he has to introduce himself to me. Apparently he saw me at Chuck's bday in my fem version of drag and thought I was cool for wearing a tie and bowler hat. Decided I was fun and he had to know me. Invited us to a party next week and to make out with him. uh...no.
Tall chick...my height...came up to me. Actually only 6'2 but in big heels...also much bigger than me, made me feel small and a little uncomfortable. Not a fan of looking slightly up to anyone.
Talking to her when older lesbian approaches to ask if I'm gay. I say no, she says oh, with a disappointed look. Turns out not to be because of her interest, but because her friend grabbed my ass. Her friend is straight. So I guess she wanted her one time experience or something. Won't be with me.
Lesbian proceeds to tell me and tall chick that we should be together and that we shouldn't be at martha's if we're not looking for ass from a woman. Excuse me? ugh. I know it's a meat market...but that's why I enjoy...I'm not PART of that meat market. Bah.
Sidewalk sale outside after closing involved lots of rain, with me in a pale yellow tank and newly straightened hair, dammit. Fanagled Corey into making out with hot guy who wanted to take his picture in the rain in the street. It was great, but Corey didn't think he was hot.
Hot army guy was def sending signs of hitting on Corey, but when prodded said he wasn't gay. So confusing.
Soaked through and through we left, tired and cold and ready to curl up in bed.
6.07.2004
So the Sigma Chi brothers have made it into the hazing hall of fame:
However, the decision to evict the Sigma Chi brothers from their house took into account events on the evening of March 18, when two pledges were transported to the hospital, and April 22, when students were videotaped and photographed performing in sexually charged skits and engaging in other behaviors the Greek Life Office deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable."
Good job, guys. :)
However, the decision to evict the Sigma Chi brothers from their house took into account events on the evening of March 18, when two pledges were transported to the hospital, and April 22, when students were videotaped and photographed performing in sexually charged skits and engaging in other behaviors the Greek Life Office deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable."
Good job, guys. :)
6.05.2004
Attn: St. Louis People
I'm jumpin' in my new car in a few to head up there. I'll be around until Monday afternoon. If I haven't already made plans with you, give me a call (on the new cell) and we'll work something out. Can't wait to see everyone!
6.01.2004
Amazing Weekend! I'm beautifully sunkissed from spending the day outside while a couple really great people tried to fix my car, and from driving around all day in a Porsche Boxter with the top down. I made a wonderful new friend, and somehow wound up with a fabulous new car. Woo hoo! And once again everything works out for me...even when I thought it was hopeless. Learning to have more faith. :)
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