Two Things

1. I am the best ever at applying bandages in the mirror.

2. People who apply bandages in hospitals should take basic engineering into account. I have spent the last 2 days screaming in pain because the incision is raised and it touches the bed when I lie down. I put extra gauze on the sides to build a bridge and no more pain. Not genius, but apparently takes one to implement.

Figuring Out Life at Home

Cat sitter is going to continue coming for a few days until I feel okay doing it on my own.

Amy gave me some leftovers and I can work with friends and delivery services to get fed.

Will use task rabbit and homejoy to get the house all spic and span again.

But laundry, well, laundry is tough. I used to have the laundromat across the street do my wash and fold and they would deliver. They have new ownership and have replaced that service with laundry locker. Problem is that Laundry Locker won't pick up or deliver from my home. I've got a call into the COO to see if he can work something out with me, but if not, what can I do? Are there other wash and fold delivery options that aren't ridiculously expensive?

Dozi is Keeping Watch

Day 2 Post Surgery

I was going to do a video post but, a) my voice isn't really working and b) it seems a little deceptive to have not done one yesterday when i felt awesome.

So instead, this is what's going on:

I was fine until i went to bed. But then my neck and shoulders started to hurt. My neck feels like I've been strangled and there are no muscles holding it up.

Also, all of a sudden the incision site is extremely painful. Any movement any touch... which means I can no longer lie on my back.

Not really sure how to handle today. Right now I'm just lingering in bed on my side trying to support my neck enough that it doesn't scream in pain.

A Giant Piece of Disc!

I'm all set up at Amy's house for the next few days. She's taking very good care of me. I'm already walking and can do stairs slowly with a rail.

Amy talked with the doctor last night and he excitedly told her about the size of the disc portion he removed. He said on a scale of 1-10, this was really really big. Apparently they are normally the size of half of the pinky finger or so, but this was the size of his index finger. HUGE. He said that it was no wonder I was in so much pain because it was taking up so much room.

If you're easily grossed out, close this window now. Otherwise, scroll down for a picture of the piece they removed.

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Post surgery update

I feel awesome.

I mean, yes I'm sore, and some of the pain will stick around for a few days, but I'm on Tylenol only at the moment and i can turn over in bed, sit up slowly, stand, and even walk a little.

Don't get me wrong -- i hurt a lot. But the comparison is super easy.  I am a gajillion times more myself today than i was yesterday.  And thank goodness for that because 8 hours in a gurney having not eaten or had anything to drink and not knowing when they were going to take me in -- that was agony.

So so happy right now. Looking forward to a few days of rest that might actually feel restful.

Morning after

This is my view right now.

Recovering

Surgery was super delayed. Got to hospital at 2 but didn't go in until 830. Portion of ruptured disc was way bigger than they thought. Took a lot out.

I already feel pain relief and sat up all on my own. They are keeping me the night just because it's so late and they want to watch me. Soreness is starting to set in but it's nothing like the pain i had.

Gonna go enjoy my Apple juice and Graham crackers now before sleeping. More tomorrow.

Dilautid is fun

Especially when mixed with sponge Bob.

Here I Go

I just got really scared.

What if this is a mistake? What if it doesn't work? What if I'm like this forever?
Fortunately it looks like that are breaking out the morphine. Scratch that.  They are bringing dilautid. Maybe this will be a fun trip. 

Spine Images

I thought it might be nice to show exactly what's going on. These are a couple of images from my MRIs with my notes added. Click on the bottom image for full view.

I'm Having Back Surgery Today

Yesterday, completely frustrated, I put my latest post up on Twitter and called out Aetna for not authorizing the surgery. Their reasoning was that the doctor had requested authorization for a March 6 surgery. They have a 7-10 day SLA, and it had only been 7 days.  It didn't matter that the surgeon was now requesting surgery the next day, or that he had cleared his schedule to allow for what he considered an emergency.

Surprisingly to me (I'm just starting to learn the power of twitter), aetna responded to my post:

They called me and left a message telling me they were on the phone with my doctors working on the case, and they gave me direct phone numbers to individuals. My doctor's assistant had been fighting with the insurance company for a couple of hours when all of a sudden they referred her to the appropriate contact who approved the procedure.

I'm amazed at the power of posting my frustration online. I'm impressed at how quickly Aetna responded and how personally they took this case. Kudos.

I'm still sad that I had to go to twitter to get this taken care of.

Regardless, I'm having a desparately needed surgery today.
Thanks, @aetnahelp

Aetna is Just Plain Mean

In Times of Trouble

I indulge in bad tv. Fortunately the new light-hearted show about heavy subjects, Enlisted, features my most recently announced actor crush, Geoff Stults. Between him and Bode Miller, I'm in a good place with current media. I'll be even better when 24 comes back.

Pre-Op Clearance

Today has been an unexpected day of doctors and tests. I called my primary care physician this morning to try to schedule the appointment for pre-op clearance. We'd missed each other a few times last week and it's important to get the insurance authorization. They could only fit me in today. Before the appointment I stopped in to check on my appointment time with my spine specialist. The card said Friday, but didn't have a time. They somehow didn't have an appointment scheduled at all, so we scheduled one for a couple of hours after my first appointment.

Primary care talked me through some stuff and sent me down for blood work. After the blood draw I had some time before my next appointment so found these comfy benches I could lie on in the lobby. A few minutes after I got settled, my primary called me to tell me they actually required more tests. He came down to talk to me (amazing - medical care on a comfy bench in the lobby!) and gave me the paperwork I would need. I went back to the lab where I had more blood drawn, had to do the whole pee in a cup thing, and then got chest xrays.

The chest xrays were pretty terrible. Surprisingly so. I had to stand in a very specific position with my arms out and my body was not cooperating.

Tests completed, I went to see the spine specialist. It was pretty evident how bad things are right now, and he was happy I'd already started the process for scheduling the surgery. Each visit, he does manual traction in which I have to lift my hips and he manipulates the vertebrae while we talk. This time, he asked me to lift my hips and I couldn't do it. Bridges have been my easiest exercise this whole time, so it really caught me off guard when I couldn't even lift up a tiny bit. I lost it and started crying on the table.

Fortunately, my doc is pretty awesome and he helped me so I could still feel like I did it myself and he moved the conversation on so I didn't feel weird about crying. Basically, the steroids have worn off and now I just have to wait it out and do whatever I can to alleviate pain until surgery. He told me I'm not allowed to go into the office anymore. I need to stay home and stay comfortable as much as possible. I need people to come do things for me instead of trying to do them myself. And I need to start taking the painkillers and stop worrying about it.

I eventually made it out of the office, and then had to head back up to my primary for one last test. The assistant spent 10 minutes hooking me up to an EKG machine, about 10 seconds to run the test, and another 5 unhooking everything.

Point was - it was a long day, and it's not even the end of my work day. I'm home now, and have a few meetings to run and lots of stuff to finish for tomorrow. I'll try to find a way to fit that in between my percocet highs and screaming pain fits.

Blah.

And the Pain is Back

I feel like I'm back to square one right now. I can barely get out of bed and can't move around the house at all.

It's confirming that surgery is the right option, but it's pretty brutal right now.

Anyone want to come do my laundry for me?

Surgery Decisions

I met with the surgeon today. I have done quite a lot of research and talked to many people at this point, and I'm confident this is the right choice for me. I'll be having a microdiscectomy at the beginning of March.

This is a nice little demo of the surgery:
http://sfspine.com/patient_education.html

I should be back to working from home within a week and back at the office within two. MAYBE if we get an amazing snow dump in April or May I might even get a few runs in this season.

Fingers crossed now for a quick insurance authorization process.

Dad Stories

My aunt posted this lovely response to the video I posted of my dad singing Hound Dog. This is so like him, and it's heartwarming to know that the video wasn't of him singing some unknown version of the song, but his own application of the lyrics:

While Kenny was working at Hawkins Petroleum Equipment Co., every now and then when everything was quiet in the office, he would cut loose with the actual rendition of "Hounddog", about as loud as he could. It would certainly wake us all up! Then one day he was experimenting and found that the words to "Hounddog" would lend themselves to several familiar gospel tunes. I think the only tune that he couldn't get to work with the "Hounddog" words was "Amazing Grace". Fortunately. That's my story for today.

My favorite part of this is her the "Fortunately." I love my family.

Family Song Circles

I just found this video of my dad singing the original version of "Hound Dog" with my aunt. This is definitely a treasure, and I wanted to share.

Soundtrack of my Soul #8

The Band Perry

"Pioneer"

Oh Pioneer
I sing your song
It's the hymn of those who've gone before and those who carry on
Pioneer
Your work is hard
But the future of us all rests on the shoulders of your heart

Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
What will become of us
Oh I don't care
All I know is I'll go anywhere
Pioneer

Oh Pioneer
So young and brave
Be careful of the careful souls who doubt you along the way
Pioneer
You orphaned child
Your mother is adventure and your father is the wild

Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
What will become of us
Oh I don't care
All I know is I'll go anywhere
Pioneer

Let your heart not be troubled

I won't run when bullets chase me
I won't rest where arms embrace me
I will love when people hate me
I won't hush, no you can't make me
Send the dark but it won't break me
You can try but you can't change me
Take my life, they will replace me
I won't hush, no you can't make me
I won't hush, no we will sing

Where are we going
Oh I don't know
But still I've got to go
What will become of us
Oh I don't care
All I know is I'll go anywhere
Pioneer

Let your heart not be troubled

There, I Fixed It

My client gave me a terrible powerpoint format to work in the other day, but I did the best I could. In slideshow format, the various pieces show up with each click so you can walk through it in a presentation:

Apparently, they were really attached to the idea of bright shapes and curvy overlaps, because this is what they came back with:

I sometimes wonder why I even bother.

Guest Starring in a Rando's Video

I had a super flattering experience this afternoon that has left me feeling pretty dern good about myself.

Having spent the last week in a corticosteroid-induced hormonal haze, I've been feeling pretty fat, old, and lazy. Everything hurts, all the time. Last night I stayed out a little later than normal and couldn't get into a solid sleep until almost 7 this morning. I woke up at 2 feeling pretty crappy about myself for wasting away the day. Easiest cure for that is to get out of the house, so I laced up my tennis shoes and headed up to Huntington Park. It's a pretty shady park, so it doesn't get the sun in the afternoons, but the walk up is a couple of blocks straight up an incredibly steep hill and the reward is a pretty decent view in three directions.

I noticed one totally flat bench without a back and decided it would be perfect for my physical therapy exercises. Luckily, it was in a back corner of the park out of the way of most of the people. This is an important factor when your exercises include pelvic bridges and something called the dead bug. There was a group of 4 guys in their mid twenties nearby, but they were occupied with some videos they were taking of each other.

I had my headphones in and was rocking out to the genius list based on Fun.'s "One Foot" (my current anthem). Out and about in the city, though, I always leave one ear open just so I can hear what's going on around me. Safety first, ladies. The guys couldn't tell this, though, and at some point in the middle of their video they started talking about me. It seemed like they were doing some sort of demo for a vlog or something in which they talk about stuff and maybe do some skateboard stunts...very Wayne's World. They were definitely in the middle of recording their "show" when all of a sudden I heard:

"Hey, check out that girl doing exercises over there." 
"Dude, you should go talk to her."
"She's a beautiful girl."
"And she's healthy, man."
"Go talk to her."
"She's busy, I don't want to interrupt her."
"Don't be a pussy. Just talk to her."
"No, man, she's like a fine painting in a museum. I want to appreciate the beauty from here. If you actually touch the paintings, the security guards come chase you down."

I couldn't hear everything at this point, but he extrapolated on the painting idea for awhile and they moved on to some other subjects. A few minutes later, I heard:

"Dude, really, just go talk to her. It'll be fun."
"I don't know man."
"Ask her to be in our video, worst she can say is no."
"Uhhhh...[mumbling]..."

I finished my exercises and could have hung out for a bit, but it started to sound like they might actually make their way over to me. I got up and walked away, standing a little bit taller. Sure, it would have been fun to talk to them and maybe even be in their video -- but I really enjoy the idea of being a fine painting.

Runny Peanut Butter

Lesson learned:

When making no-bake cookies in a corticosteroid-induced emotional frenzy, refrain from using Trader Joe's peanut butter. It's too runny and the cookies won't properly dry. Which means every time you go to eat one the next day you have to wash the peanuty residue off your hand afterward. This is especially troublesome if said steroids are causing constant nausea, leaving you unable to eat except in tiny increments of chocolate-coated peanut buttery oats.

Side Effects

A lot of you are asking me how I'm feeling. I know that you want to know if the back pain is gone. I know that what you want to know is whether the injection worked.

I can't tell you that yet. I'm just not sure. The pain seems to have subsided some, but the overall pain from the injection is still there.

What I can tell you is that I feel miserable. The side effects of the steroids make it really difficult to even consider writing, but I wanted to give whatever update I could. This is how I feel right now (all of these are totally normal side effects of the steroids):

fat
nauseous
headachey
anxious
emotional
sad
exhausted
bloated
spacey
restless
unable to sleep
irritated
over-sensitive
unable to concentrate
loopy
scared
apathetic
blurry
hot
teeth-chattering cold

I just feel generally extremely uncomfortable. This is not a pleasant experience. I'm not sure how all of those things can be true at the same time, but they are. This is not my favorite feeling.

The Other Woman

Having been the other woman unknowingly, and then knowingly, and then having it turned around so I was threatened by the other woman, I feel like I have a little bit to say on the subject. One of the things that is most difficult is that even after the relationship is long over, even after you don't even want to be with the partner anymore, there is still this feeling of primal hatred for a woman you don't even know. Even when I felt sorry for her, even when I felt like she could be someone I liked, I still had this undercurrent of hate. If I'm truly honest with myself, I probably still do.

Caroline Bromley posted a list of lessons regarding the other woman on Thought Catalog, and I found myself wishing I had had this list taped to my mirror while I was in the thick of these emotions. So I'm sharing it here in hopes that if there is anyone out there dealing with this currently or recovering from the effects of having been there, that this helps, even if just a little bit.

The one that was most important for me?

Nobody is out to get you specifically. Everybody just wants to be loved and is fighting as hard as they can for themselves. 

Read all of them here. 

It's back

oh hello pain

Injection Update

Steroid injection today. Terrible awful experience, but seems like already helping pain a bit. Feel weird and loopy and nauseous and achy, but hopeful.

Electromyograph Update

This was by far the weirdest thing I've ever had done to my body. My muscles are twitching and I ache in places that aren't anywhere near where needles were places. I am now a total believer in reflexology. This is crazy.

Electromyograph

This is what I'm doing with my afternoon.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electromyography

Normal muscles at rest make certain, normal electrical signals when the needle is inserted into them. Then the electrical activity when the muscle is at rest is studied. Abnormal spontaneous activity might indicate some nerve and/or muscle damage. Then the patient is asked to contract the muscle smoothly. The shape, size, and frequency of the resulting electrical signals are judged. Then the electrode is retracted a few millimetres, and again the activity is analyzed until at least 10–20 motor units have been collected. Each electrode track gives only a very local picture of the activity of the whole muscle. Because skeletal muscles differ in the inner structure, the electrode has to be placed at various locations to obtain an accurate study.

Back Problems Update

I saw the spine specialist today. He showed me the exact damage on the MRI. 3 discs are affected, but one is very clearly showing disc material pushing against the nerves. They are doing an electrodiagnostic test next week to determine how much muscle function is being affected by each disc issue, and they are doing a steroid injection to try to shrink the material. We'll know in a few weeks if that works, and then will have to start making some decisions about potential surgery. I feel very confident that I am working with the right doctors and am thankful for such an amazing support network in all of you.

Breaking

She leaned a little into the ledge of the roof deck as he took an almost imperceptible step toward her. The conversation had been lively and constant all evening, but before this she hadn't been sure whether he even found her attractive. Waiting for him to interrupt her with that first kiss, she continued talking, not sure of how to stop.

"...so now I'm here, living in this beautiful city," she gestured with her head to the tops of the buildings they were overlooking, "and I feel pretty lucky..."

"Yes we are," he said as he moved toward her. He wrapped his arms around her in a hug and pulled her close to him.

A hug? This was not what she had been expecting. As soon as she felt herself relax into it, he pulled his face back without letting any space come between them.

She watched him watch her. "You're studying me."

He caught the hint of a question in her voice. "Not critically," as he leaned into her and put his lips to hers.

She waited for him to open the kiss. For an agonizingly long time, he remained still - pushing his lips gently into hers while holding her body against him. She felt something go off in her head.

Are these fireworks?

She felt an urge to move - to pull his lips into hers, but somehow knew better. She gave herself permission to trust him. In an almost meditative state, she started to feel all the nuances of the kiss. She felt movement in the stillness. She felt his hands on her back. She felt him meeting her in this moment.

Seconds that seemed like hours later, he pulled her into the open kisses she had been expecting. They were sweet without lacking sensuality. Soft without lacking power.

They paused for a moment and he gestured toward the nearby table. She sat atop it so that he could stand above her. They continued kissing without escalating. It felt like hours. Years. It felt like something she wanted to do forever.

And then, in one slow movement, he raised up and placed her head against his chest.

Really? We're making out on a first date and he wants to cuddle?

He wrapped his hands in her hair and gently held her there, pulling her into him. He held here there for three long breaths, then four.

At first she simply indulged him. But somehow both suddenly and as if it had been building up for eternity, something inside her came loose. She stopped counting breaths and she found herself pushing her forehead into him. As he held her, one arm around her back, one hand cradling her head, she relaxed into him. She felt herself completely surrender to this moment. Trusting this man to hold her, trusting him to know that she needed to be held, trusting him to kiss her just as she needed to be kissed.

Something inside me is breaking.

Tears were starting to fill in her eyes when the security guard abruptly opened the door and told them the roof deck was closing. She buried her face into him and then quickly wiped her eyes as they laughed at the interruption.

He handed her a tissue once they got into the harshly lit elevator.

Does he know I was about to cry?

"I know I always need one after being out in the cold like that."

Maybe not.

They moved outside to the sidewalk and she started to suggest another location, but something in his eyes made her ask how he was feeling.

He told her it had been a long day, that he'd like to end it on a high note. He held her hand as they walked the few blocks until they needed to go in different directions. They kissed again and said goodnight.

She walked home feeling...feeling what? euphoric. excited. violated. and completely abandoned.

Anxious and not understanding why, she let herself text him to thank him for the evening and let him know she'd like to see him again. He responded that he'd like to see her, too, but her nerves never settled.

She awoke the next morning knowing something had shifted. The more she thought about it, the more emotional and anxious she became.

It isn't this guy. I don't even know if I really like this guy. 

She checked her phone for the tenth time in as many minutes.

What the fuck is going on? What is wrong with me?

She closed her eyes and let herself remember how it felt when he first kissed her. She let herself feel him hold her against his chest. She gave herself permission to relax into the feeling. And she started to cry.

In almost four years her ex had never once held her this way. And the man before him? Never. Maybe she hadn't let them. Never had she been so gently forced to let down her guard. Never had she realized how much she needed to feel safe in someone's arms. She sobbed. And laughed. She cried in thankfulness for this beautiful gift, and in sorrow for not knowing if she would ever have it again. She cried because she was finally admitting that she had never in her life, her entire life, really felt completely safe. She cried because she understood this was just a moment in time, and that she may never have it again. And she cried because she knew this was the beginning of something much bigger and truer than she could fully grasp.

Something inside me is breaking free.

Back MRI

Hey friends, I'm reaching out again about my back. I got the MRI, and it turns out it isn't just muscle spasms. I have both a torn disk and a disc extrusion. Apparently the extrusion is probably what's causing all the pain. At the moment the plan is to continue physical therapy and see a spine specialist when she gets back after the holidays.

I'm reaching out because I'm just feeling really hopeless. I spent 2 years dealing with and never quite fully recovering from one life changing injury and now this. It kinda feels like a life sentence, and I just think I want to hear inspirational awesome stories from people I know so I can believe that I will play basketball and salsa dance and snowboard and do all the things that make me me again. Greatly appreciate your prior support and could use some hope today.

Back Pain

Okay world, I need some advice. I have a back spasm that has been in pretty much an acute state for 2 weeks now. I'm in extraordinary pain. Physical therapy can't do much because the pain won't let me do the exercises. They are doing an MRI next week. Major pain killers and muscle relaxers don't help. The only thing that seems to is lying on the floor with my legs up on a chair. Anyone have any tips?

Smiley Bits 11.21.13

The families from Honey Boo Boo and Cake Boss went on Family Feud. Some lovely person put it up on youtube. My day is made.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25kEy0dIKFQ

Slow Dancing

Going through old papers buried in my mom's house today. Found this quote:

"What if more of life could be like that? Like the last slow dance, where, to echo T.S. Eliot, a lifetime burns in every moment."
~Alice Steinbach

Smiley Bits 11.13.13

There's nothing better than sitting in a bar with people you love, knowing that the night is winding down, and looking up to see someone else you love randomly walk in and start a new part of your night. Small world awesomeness.

SmileyBits 11.2.2013

I've noticed a lot of people posting what they are thankful for this month, and I haven't been feeling very appreciative lately, so I thought I'd resurrect the SmileyBits. I might be stretching for a bit, but I'm hoping this can help me - so here goes:

1. I have such loving family in Germany who are always happy to go out of their way to take care of me.
2. My trip to Berlin led me to some unexpected quality time with a friend.
3. In the past, I would have flown back on Sunday to give me more time on my trip, and I would have panicked and felt overwhelmed all week. Fortunately, I have learned to fly home on Friday.

First Trip to Poland: Day 1 Observations

1. The Lufthansa crew and gate agents assume I'm German and speak to me auf Deutsch even when they've been speaking to others in English.

2. I'm thankful for any place that has sparkling water as the norm.

3. This is my first entrance into a country for which I do not know a single word of the language.

4. Everything looks like a castle.

5. I think German and Polish people are tough because they grow up using hard toilet paper.

Lost in Translation

After a long day in the factory in Penang, I was eager to get back to the island (and my beautiful hotel). I frequently get the same drivers, which means that the long taxi ride is full of conversation, questions, and misunderstandings. While I enjoy this most of the time, some days I just want to hole up and fade out - especially when traffic makes the drive take almost 2 hours.

This day I was thankful to have a van all to myself with a driver who didn't speak much and had left an American movie playing on the abnormally large tv inside the van. I relaxed and settled in for what promised to be an amusing b-movie that was basically Jaws meets the Bayou. 

Swamp Shark was entertaining enough on its own (check out the trailer). It stars Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy!!!), was retitled in Japan as Frying Jaws, and features my favorite tag line, "Fresh water. Fresh meat." The best part, though, was that my driver had the volume up and the subtitles turned on. The subtitles were in English, but had pretty clearly been translated into Malay, and then back into English. The result was the most I've laughed on one of these trips. 

Verbal: "Go to Hell" 

Subtitle: "Fuck you"

Verbal: "Get off the wheel!"

Subtitle: "Let go of steering!"

Verbal: "He just got in the way"

Subtitle: "He walked in the road"

In response to, "Are you ready?"

Verbal: "As ready as I'm gonna be"

Subtitle: "To the extent possible"

Verbal: "I gotta lock up"

Subtitle: "I must conclude"

In response to a question he didn't know the answer to:

Verbal: "You got me"

Subtitle: "I ask myself the same question"

Verbal: "Oh God!"

Subtitle: "Jasses"

Yes, Jasses. 

I now have a strong affection for this movie. Might just have to by myself a copy. Wonder if I can find a copy here with the crazy subtitles. I'll host a screening back in SF :)

Update:
Going through some pics I found this shot I took while in the taxi. The top line is the actual dialogue. The bottom is the translation.

 

We Acted Upon in Good Faith and Entrusted Upon You

For whatever reason, a number of other people seem to use my email address. There's Monika Mielczarek, Monika Mihalisinova, Monika Meier, Monika Mitchell, and several more. These people legitimately believe my email address belongs to them. They frequently try to log in at gmail or facebook, and many of them have bills sent to my email. One man even emailed a sexy note as he was boarding his plane and about to return home to his Monika in London.

I have a label in my gmail account called "other Monika" where I store these. I try to reply to let the sender know they have the wrong address and inform the intended recipient, but much of the time that's not possible. Today's other Monika email had me laughing out loud.

Apparently, cell phone companies in India believe the best way to get paid is a guilt trip. I've highlighted my favorite lines in red for those of you who just want to skim. :)

Sir/Madam, 

We state that we are Cellular Mobile Telephony Service provider in the Delhi and NCR.We state that you had approached and requested us to provide you our cellular mobile phone facility. Relying upon your representation and assurance, we provided the said facility to you, with the clear understanding that you shall pay the bills on or before the due date. We state that you have availed the facility but, in breach of the aforesaid representation and promises made by you, you have failed and neglected to pay the amount of Rs. 2292/ - which is due and payable. 

We state that in spite of our repeated reminder and request to pay the aforesaid amount, you have failed and neglected to pay the said amount till date. We state that from the aforesaid, it is apparent that you have intentionally and deliberately not paid the said amount for the facility used by you. We state that as on 18/06/2013 a sum of Rs. 2292/- is due and payable by you. 

We state that believing your representations to be true, we acted upon in good faith and entrusted upon you with our cellular mobile phone facility, which you put into extensive use and accumulated huge amount. 

In the circumstances, we hereby call upon you to pay the sum of Rs. 2292/- together with accrued interest thereon @ 18% p.a. from the respective due date till the full & final payment, within 7 days from the date of receipt of this notice, failing which we shall be constrained to initiate Civil and/or Criminal proceedings against you, entirely at your risk as to cost and consequences, which please note. 

We state that without prejudice to our rights, if you are willing to make the aforesaid payment, within the stipulated time, you are requested to contact on 9811801114, 9811429429 between 10 AM to 5 PM . Yours truly,For Vodafone Mobile Services Limited

Such a nice mix of formalities and snarkiness. Love.

The World to Which I Belong

 "you must learn one thing, 

the world was made to be free in.

give up all the other worlds

except the one to which you belong. 

sometimes it takes darkness

and the sweet confinement of your

aloneness to learn

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive

is too small for you."

     from "Sweet Darkness" by David Whyte

Today, I am thankful. Today I am starting to believe and live these words. 

Living freely in the world to which I belong.

Greedy Golden-Mantled Ground Squirrel

Last week PMac and I were planning our Crater Lake camping trip when I showed him the spork/knife I encountered on my Yosemite trip. (These things are awesome, by the way.) He made a stop at REI, and when we set up for dinner he showed me the orange "sporkife" (as he calls it) that he got especially for me. Super sweet.

We had a fantastic campfire dinner, cleaned up, and went to bed. The next morning we realized the camp suds were missing. We figured we'd left them near the water source and someone picked them up. A large group of Russians had taken over all the camp sites around us, and perhaps they decided to keep our soap. Annoying, but we let it go. Which was easy to do because PMac was preoccupied with roasting a corn cob to ashes.

The next night after dinner, I cleaned up and noticed I couldn't find the orange spork I was using. I searched the trash. I searched the fire. I couldn't find it anywhere and was really bummed. Peter told me it was okay, the spork was chillin' with the camp suds. We decided that one of the golden-mantled ground squirrels had stolen them and PMac returned to his attention to burning food parts including the pit from my nectarine.

The following morning I found the camp suds. They were back in the bag where they belonged - the bag both of us had searched multiple times over the previous two days. Seemed like the squirrel decided he didn't want them and brought them back. We hoped the spork might show up before we left, but it didn't happen.

Until yesterday, when I received an envelope containing the following:

Text Reads:

Dearest Monika: 

I wanted to return this spoon to you. I have spent my life at Mazama Campground stealing items from the parks visitors. After a bout of severe indigestion and delerium brought on by drinking Citronela CampSuds, Iw as overcome with remorse when I saw how sad you were for looseing this spoon - such a nice little gift from your boyfrined that I selfishly ran away with. I snuck the Suds back in your bag but missed getting the spoon in before you left us. You and your boyfriend seemed so happy and having such a great time - I am sorry for causing anguish over this lost spoon. Please do come back and see us and I hope you don't take out your anguish on my fellows you see along the highway. Thanks for the bag of nuts (sorry) but what was up with the corn cob and the peach pit?!? 

Now how to get this laptop back to the Russians in E18 without getting caught? 

---happy trails 

GMGS

(golden mantled ground squirell)

Best. Gift. Ever.
Terrible grammar and spelling and all. You can only expect so much from a ground squirrel.

Growing Up Super Tall

I will write this out better someday, but someday is not now. I'm inspired by the following article:

http://thetallblog.wordpress.com/2012/08/09/what-its-really-like-being-64-and-a-women/

But I feel like she misses some points:

1. She wasn't tall until high school. I was 6'4" in 8th grade. I haven't grown a bit since. While I may have been popular in one sense, I felt extremely unpopular. People called me sasquatch in elementary school and junior high, boys asked me out as jokes and then laughed when I said okay, the popular girls didn't see me as anything like them...I felt like a complete outsider.

2. My height as a young child meant that I had to act older - always. When I was 5 people thought I was 8, when I was 10 people thought I was 13, when I was 12 local high school seniors asked me out. I had to grow up a little too quickly for my own my good, without the experience and emotional maturity to face the issues presented to me. I ended up dating older men, which probably also screwed with my head.

3. I was never a girl. I was always a tomboy. I had tons of guy friends who never saw me as girly. I had girlfriends but could never enjoy the things they enjoyed (shopping, shoes, crushes on boys taller than me, etc.).

Now, I embrace my height. I LOVE it. But there are still problems:

4. I have to order every pant I've ever owned. And then I have to tailor it. These pants are expensive. When I was broke and working in nonprofits, I couldn't do a damn thing to further myself. Now I have great pants, but when they wear out I have to replace them and it's a bitch. I have to order a bunch of pants, pay for shipping (and there's no such thing as a pair of pants in my inseam for less than $80), try them on, return the ones that down work, pay for shipping again. Yes, I know that shop you love has tall sizes. No, they are not tall enough for me. I have to use sites like longtallsally and longelegantlegs...both of which tailor by height, not style, which means I get maybe one or two pairs of pants per season that work for me. Thank god I even have a style choice now.

5. I have to order shoes. They are not always cute. Sometimes they suck. When I find a pair I love, I buy multiples. I have 4 pairs of the beautiful Nine West black pumps I found specially made for barefoottess.com. I prefer heels. Heels in my height tend to be very very low, or so high they are really meant for trannies. (Nothing against the trannies...lots of love here.)

6. In a bar, at a party, I have to sit if I want to hear the conversation. Unless I'm in a group of tall guys...which again, makes me one of the guys rather than part of the girl conversation.

7. My thighs will ALWAYS be bigger than my date's thighs. Even if he's a rockstar. In fact, I BRIEFLY dated an ex pro football player who was 6'9", and my thighs were still bigger than his. And I was not in a fat phase.

8. I will never ever be anonymous. Never. I can't get away with anything. People remember me. You know how you forget someone's name and you can play it off? I can't...they always remember that I met them and tell me so. Shit.

9. I can never go on a peaceful walk in the city. Someone will always stop me. Most days this is okay. Some days I enjoy it. But some days, you just want to be left the eff alone. Those days, I can't be.

10. Beds are too short, airplanes are too cramped, cars don't have enough room. I just don't fit in this world.

Now for the good:

11. I am always noticed. I always get attention.

12. People feel a connection to me because I offer a non-threatening way to approach me.

13. I'm actually okay at basketball. :)

14. I never have trouble reaching ANYTHING.

15. I am a goddess in developing countries.

16. I am seen as older and more powerful than I am in the workplace.

17. I can carry my own shit without needing help.

18. Being a freak has forced me to embrace who I am. I love me, and I'm so thankful I am me. I just wish maybe I could get better clothes and shoes. :)

Indonesia

13 Takeoffs, 13 Landings, 8 beds, 5 islands, 12 boat rides, and $4400.

I'm tired and broke, but very very happy.

SmileyBits Day 22

1. Overheard last night:
Person 1: :mumbled line about something:
Person 2: "That's what she said"
Person 3: "Why would she say that?"

2. When I moved to SF in 2005 I had a horrible credit score and $30k in credit card debt. I have celebrated the little victories over the years - paying off all the debt, passing the 600 and then 700 marks on the credit score, getting great offers because of my credit, etc. Today, I celebrate the moment when my credit score monitoring program moved my credit score ranking from "good" to "excellent"!!!

3. I apparently was too busy getting ready for Indo to finish this post. Also a smiley :)

SmileyBits Day 21

1. My first Giants game of the season! Someone threw a shoe at the Marlins' outfielder (that part isn't a smileybit, just memorable).

2. I checked the mail and found a bunch of stuff I've been waiting for all in one pile because I missed the last couple days. Love that feeling.

3. Went on another mini-hike this weekend and the knee and foot are both doing okay.

4. Discovered a cute little street in SF I'd never been on before.

5. That moment when a friend chooses to open up just a little more than they have in the past. That happened. Beautiful.

SmileyBits Day 20

1. One last extra night in Tahoe. Waking up under the skylight.

2. Fabulous Thai lunch at Kacha in WC.

3. Came home to an adorable cat who is persistently showing me how much he missed me.

4. Discovered a cute little tapas bar close to my place. Had driven by many times thinking it was a ghetto dive bar, but it was really adorable.

5. Random disco balls.

SmileyBits Day 19

1. POND SKIMMING!!!!

2. Cards Against Humanity is the best game ever.

3. LBK found the most adorable puppy at the Chammy. A teensy border collie/australian shepherd mix just like my beloved Fritzi. When I brought Fritzi home she was this size. Adorable!

4. LBK had me throw the G in the pond to cool him off and try to get him to swim. I had to pick up the 100lb bugger.

5. I played a little basketball for the first time in over a year. 3 on 2, and we still won! 

SmileyBits Day 18

1. Epic Pig Roast at Squaw.

2. I get one more day of this tomorrow.

3. Family Dinner!!! Larb and Thai eggplant shrimp chili pasta.

4. A quarter of a really great oatmeal cookie.

5. At the pig roast, I overheard some guy say, "there are some pretty killer sides here, have you tried the cabbage? it's hella good." That was my cabbage.

SmileyBits Day 17

1. This doodle creation by Beth Reed:
"Cannibal"

2. Spider 24. He was teensy and climbed up onto my laptop. When I tried to take a picture he ran away, but a few minutes later he came right back up to me.

3. LBK told me she thinks coconut water is disgusting. I thought I was the only one. I thought it was a craze because people liked the taste and there was something wrong with me. Glad to know I'm not alone.

4. Met the most adorable 2 month old Berner pup!

5. The guide for my Borneo jungle trek just lowered by price by $70!

SmileyBits Day 16

1. Women are finally starting to talk about how effing difficult it is to find clothes and shoes when you're tall with big feet.

2. The city was clearer than the East Bay today. Driving across the Bay Bridge into the city this morning, I was a little overwhelmed by how stunning the skyline was.

3. While sitting at Pyramid waiting for my Tahoe ride, a friend surprised me for a brief visit. Scared the bejeezus out of me when he sneaked up behind me, but was very nice to have the time.

4. Friends like Corey who are willing to take care of my sweet Sebastien when I change my plans suddenly.

5. After we got settled into the Tahoe house, LBK came upstairs to tell me there was a tarantula on the ceiling. I bravely, with her support, captured it in a glass. We've been naming them by their number in Spanish (first one was Uno, for example), and this one is Veintitres. I think he needs a Grande or something added, though. Effer is HUGE.

SmileyBits Day 15

1. I enjoy being busy with work.

2. Sunset hike on Shell Ridge.

3. Today, I jogged for the first time in over a year and had no pain.

4. Getting caught in the rain.

5. Familiar sushi dinner.

SmileyBits Day 14

1. Woke up this morning and was reminded that a friend gave me a bandaid to cover a little blister. The smiley part? It was one of those huge knee-sized bandaids for this little spot on my foot. Totally sweet that the friend felt a need to to give me such a big bandaid.

2. Rampage IPA in the Sports Basement parking lot with friends.

3. I LOVE Pluto's salads and stuffing. Soooo good.

4. Got to help Miss A go buy some ski boots. Uber exciting that another friend is up and ready for next season!

5. Catching up with old acquaintances.

SmileyBits Day 13

1. Discovered a new adorable little cafe/bar today. The people at Cafe Prague were great! Definitely want to go back.

2. Spent some time practicing my German this evening.

3. Peanut Butter Chip gelato at Naia.

4. New South Park episodes online.

5. Got to sit in the sun most of the day.

SmileyBits Day 12

1. Brunch at a new spot. Mo's Grill in North Beach. Fantastic pulled pork sandwich.

2. Pop-A-Shot at Mauna Loa!

3. Running into old acquaintances.

4. Another stunningly gorgeous day in the city.

5. Time with old friends.

SmileyBits Day 11

1. I bought my first real backpack! Ready for Indonesia!

2. First time hiking in Briones!

3. Foot did okay on the hike. Not great, but okay.

4. While sitting at Cafe de La Presse, watched a festively-dressed woman on a bike pull up, stop, drink straight out of a water bottle sitting on one of the tables, and ride away.

5. Open and honest conversation about difficult subjects with friends.

SmileyBits Day 10

1. I have a sunroof suntan. When I see the line of tan to white in the mirror, I can't help but laugh.

2. When I was in junior high I heard someone say the word "cacahuete." I thought this was the funniest thing ever and learned how to use it as much as possible. My first full sentence in Spanish was "you are a stupid peanut." (I was highly entertaining to myself at that age.)
Last night, while enjoying a lovely glass of sparking rose with a friend I never get to see, the bartender says loudly "Cacahuete!" out of nowhere. I almost spit out my drink, and then tell him that's MY word. :) We bond a bit, and before we leave, he comes over and says only "Cacahuete" and then walks by. Definitely a smiley moment.

3. Above mentioned sparkling rose. I have a think for sparkling rose.

4. At dinner in the east bay at a nice-ish restaurant, a tall woman in her late 50s or so caught my attention. She was standing outside the restaurant walking around, in a very fancy outfit (sparkly long gown with matching jacket - opera fancy) and very very tall heels and hair. She seemed like maybe she was drunk or got stood up, but she had obviously been very pretty in her day and was dressed for an occasion. We watched her while we ate our dinner, and then as we were leaving she came in and asked me about my height. The woman herself, her outfit, and the fact that I got the opportunity to meet her all made me smile.

5. Finally got to see Cabin in the Woods. Not AS good as I would have expected it to be, but definitely fun and worth the effort. Go see it.

SmileyBits Day 9

1. I made it on time to my morning meeting and found rock star parking. Great way to start a beautiful day.

2. For the first time ever, I visited the Excelsior/Outer Mission. I feel a little more like a real San Franciscan now.

3. A friend showed me a new view of the city.

4. I got to check the curvy part of Vermont St. off my SF explore list.

5. Spent a fantastic afternoon with a friend driving around in the sun and enjoying just being alive and together.

SmileyBits Day 8

1. It's National Stand Tall Week! Great marketing from Long Tall Sally, one of the only shops from which I can buy pants. Short and sweet interview with Arianne Cohen on NY Nightly News.

2. I could have been starting on another disaster project today. Instead, I'm prepping for a pro-bono stint that will allow me a little breathing room.

3. It was a fanstically gorgeous day in San Francisco.

4. The piano player at Cypress takes requests.

5. While I didn't love the movie, watching Hangover 2 with someone who hadn't seen it yet was pretty darn fun.

SmileyBits Day 7

I'm having a hard time with the smiley bits today. I just had a very frustrating and exhausting conversation about my year end reviews at work, and I basically got slammed because of a terrible project that was out of my control. But I am committed to doing this anyway. So here goes:

1. I am thankful for a mentor at work who is willing to talk with me and work with me through things I need to improve.

2. I have an adorable kitty who could not wait for me to get home and is ready to curl up and make me feel needed.

3. Bad tv shows that can distract me from driving myself crazy about work stuff.

4. Colleagues who are in the same boat and vent and let me vent.

5. Great girlfriends and a great dinner.

SmileyBits Day 6

1. Taking the long way:

Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

2. Friends who, despite my recent inability to maintain a proper work-life balance, still know they can ask for help when they really need it.

3. My next client is a local community center and I get to lead the pro bono engagement.

4. The Poquito Picante at Burritt Room. Caveat: sad that Burritt Room has lost a bit of its beauty in gaining a restaurant, a real menu, and more customers.

5. Sara Bareilles:

I'm not the girl that I intend to be
But I dare you, darlin', just you wait and see

SmileyBits Day 5

1. I got to spend the afternoon sitting on the sunny deck of Gold Coast watching skiers contemplate the Palisades. My rigorous research shows that for every 8 skiers who stand at the top of the Chimney whacking the cornice, 1 skier goes down National.

2. I enjoyed Gotye when I heard him on the radio, but after seeing him on SNL, I'm a new avid fan.

3. While at the sinks/mirror in the bathroom at Squaw, another tall chick asked me how tall I was and we started a conversation. She left before I did. When I returned to my friends, one of them was standing with her. Turned out that she had been staying in his ski lease and when she told him she met a super tall chick, he knew it was me. Such a small fun world.

4. I have a new celebrity crush: Geoff Stults. This doesn't happen very often for me, so we'll have to see if it sticks. Can't stop watching The Finder.

5. We took the long way home tonight.

SmileyBits Day 4

1. On male and female friends sharing a bed/cuddling, a friend offered this sage advice: Just make sure that when you're spooning it doesn't turn into a spork.

2. Epic blonde moments. During a heated battle of Apples to Apples, the card "The Wright Brothers" turned up. The newly minted Alpine Barbie said with conviction, "I do love me some Unchained Melody." Much laughter followed.

3. I received a not-quite-yet-deserved initiation into Team Tie Dye from Tie Dye Bill himself, courtesy of Sponge Bob. I feel honored to be included.

4. My career has typically not been one that has involved anyone else in my life. Meaning, usually my word about what I'm working on is taken as gold and my friends, while interested, have very little input, experience, or passion about it because they are not exposed to that world. That was true when I was in philanthropy, and it has been true for some of my projects as a consultant thus far. However, the direction I'm trying to go - toward engagement with emerging markets that both benefits domestic companies and growing economies, does come up occasionally. With the recent FoxConn mass suicide threats, Apple joining the FLA and releasing supplier reports, and Mike Daisy making a giant ass of himself and the entire issue, my major career interest/path is a topic of conversation for everyone else, too. I am fortunate enough to have very smart and aware people in my life, and last night we sat at dinner in a nice restaurant (on the second floor away from the masses) having a heated discussion about outsourcing, working conditions, government involvement, etc. It was daunting, because I'm not used to my friends being wrapped up in my professional interests, but it was exhilarating and revealing.

5. I have a brand new beautiful smile! I broke my jaw when I was 12 and have had a couple of issues with my smile that I didn't like for years. My two front teeth were too big because of badly fitted crowns, and the cuspids were small and displaced, which left gaps. Recently, remnants from the injury forced me to have a tooth removed and an implant put in, and have the bad crowns replaced. This means I got to fix the issues that  were bothering me. It's not final yet, there are still some shaping and shading issues to smooth out in follow up procedures, but for the first time since I was 12 years old I have a smile that fits my mouth and has no gaps. It's nice how being happy with your smile can make you smile all the time. :)

SmileyBits Day 3

1. I have a cat that acts like a dog. Sebastien actually waits for me to get home, meows when I open my door, and runs to come hang out with me. A few minutes ago, he sat on the floor and yelled at me until I moved the multiple computers and books so he had room to jump up and join me.

2. Following #1, my ability to remember that he's just a cat, and he'll be fine on his own while I go about my life.

3. Arrowhead sparkling water. I think I may have a problem.

4. Mango curry chicken salad at Bistro 69.

5. Beautiful clear skies on a night when I thought I'd be facing driving through a blizzard. Thank you, rain/snow gods for this brief respite. You can start again when I'm safely in bed at, oh say, 2am.

SmileyBits Day 2

1. Friends who brave the Bay Bridge in the pouring rain to come hang out with me.

2. My new adorable comfy mini hoodie robe.

3. The ability to mute the conference call so I can go on with my day while other people yell at each other over things that have no relevance to me.

4. Thunderstorms and lightning in a city with no thunderstorms.

5. That I can throw a suitcase and a box on the floor and my cat suddenly loves me more.

SmileyBits Day 1

I'm not exactly a proponent of making commitments online. Seems like I'm usually setting myself up to fail.

I decided to make this commitment, though, because so much of how I derive my happiness is about sharing with others.

So starting today, until I leave for Indonesia in May, I'm publishing what I'm gonna call the SmileyBits. I want to identify and share the little things in my life that make me feel thankful, joyful, and peaceful.

So to start:

1. The woman at the deli counter at Mayflower Market. She's clearly the mother/aunt to the boys who work in the store, and she's got the best smiling eyes. Something in her greeting makes me feel nurtured every time I place an order.

2. Friends discussing how much space they need in a relationship: "I'd like to get married, but I'm afraid that means I'll probably have to share my bedroom."

3. Buy one get one half off on giant bags of expensive cat food:

4. Duct tape and my ability to make a cheap IKEA drawer last at least a few more months.

5. This chick: http://laughingsquid.com/airplane-lavatory-self-portraits-in-the-flemish-style/

The Life of a Tall Girl

This video is SO true!



They missed a couple of my favorites:
"Are your parents tall?"
"How tall are your parents?"
"I wanna climb that tree!"
"I'll climb that!"

TGIF - Chaotic Communication

I left Hawaii on Wednesday and had a 2 hour layover in Honolulu. I stopped in at Gordon Biersch for a sandwich and had a bit of difficulty getting my order across. The exchange went something like this (edited for grammatic understandability):

Me: "I'd like the Kalua pork sandwich, please."

Bartender chic with thick accent: "French fries or coleslaw?"

Me: "coleslaw."
Me: "Actually, can I get a side of fries, too, please?"

Bartender: "You can't have a side of fries. You can have a side of coleslaw."

"I can't get a side of fries?"

"No, just coleslaw."

"Okay, can I have fries with my sandwich then, and an extra side of coleslaw?"

"No. We don't do fries because garlic fries are an appetizer."

"I don't want garlic fries."

"You can't do a side of garlic fries."

"I don't want garlic fries. I want regular fries."

"We don't have a side of garlic fries because we have the appetizer."

"I don't want garlic fries."

"You can't have garlic fries on the side."

"I don't want garlic fries. I want coleslaw and regular fries."

"We don't do fries, just coleslaw."

"Didn't you just ask me if I wanted fries or coleslaw with my sandwich?"

"Yes, with your sandwich."

"Okay, so can I get fries with my sandwich?"

"Yes, okay."

"And can I get an extra side of coleslaw?"

"Yes."

"Okay, thanks. I'd like a Kalua pork sandwich with fries, plus an extra side of coleslaw."

"You can't do garlic fries."

"I don't want garlic fries, can I have regular fries?"

"We don't do sides of garlic fries because we have the appetizer."

"You are making this so complicated. I want a Kalua pork sandwich with regular fries as a side. Ok?"

"Ok."

"I would also like to add a side of coleslaw. Ok?"

"Ok."

"Ok. Thanks."

She goes to the computer and inputs the order. I get scared that she'll spit in my food. Next time she walks by I say, "Thanks for taking care of that, I know it was confusing."

"Ok. You're welcome."

Smiling, I say, "Don't want to have garlic breath on the plane, you know?"

"Oh. Yes." As she jumps over the computer and changes my order.

*sigh*

That is exactly how I felt in every conversation at work today.

TGIF

Marriage Baggage

A quote from Presumed Innocent, by Scott Turow:

After almost twenty years of sleeping with Barbara, I no longer went to bed with only her. I lay down with five thousand other fucks; with the recollection of younger bodies; with the worries for the million things that supported and surrounded our life: the corroding rain gutters, Nat's unwillingness to study mathematics, the way Raymond, over the years, had come to greet my work with an eye its defects rather than successes, the particular arrogant glint that came into my mother-in-law's eye when she discussed any person outside her immediate family, including me. In our bed, I reached for Barbara through the spectral intervention of all these visitors, all that time.

Holiday 2011 Gift Ideas

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Just Another Day

This morning I was sitting in my office producing a report that I update each week. As I changed the date, I was hit with the reminder that my dad's birthday is tomorrow.

October 19. Tomorrow. Dad's birthday. 

The best way I can think to describe what happened in that instant is that the reminder somehow physically and mentally knocked the wind out of me. I felt like I'd just taken a hard fall. I couldn't inhale or exhale. Time just stopped for a minute.

October 19.

I don't think I actually realized that I had stopped breathing until I finally heard myself gasp a bit for that next breath. I had to go into a meeting, so I told myself it was just another day, shoved it back down, and went on with my work.

~~~

I don't understand why it happened so suddenly. For the last week I've been informing people of an October 19 deadline, creating meetings for Wednesday, and discussing timelines. It just hadn't occurred to me yet. Now, though, even typing it hurts.

~~~

My dad and I didn't talk all that much, but October 19 was different. Even if we were really upset with one another or our lives were so busy we couldn't make time, I always called him on his birthday.

My dad would have been 73 tomorrow. I would have called him and asked him what he did for his birthday. Most likely he would have just had a nice lunch at home and spent time on the farm - like any other day. I'd tell him to make sure and treat himself to something special, and he'd tell me that my brother and sister called and pass along updates. After a pause in the conversation he'd slowly say, "Well, I reckon I better get off here," and we'd end the call with assurances that we'd keep in better touch.  For a few days after the call, we'd text each other quite a bit. The quick hellos and silly dad jokes would come less frequently as my response time increased over the following week or two. I'd let it slide knowing that we'd have another call on Thanksgiving for sure. I would feel a little badly that we didn't talk more, but I'd get wrapped up in my life and move on.

But tomorrow we won't do that. We can't do that. Tomorrow is October 19, and for the first time in my life that day will pass without my talking with him. 

I'm trying to tell myself it's just another day. It is, ultimately. 

And yet, looking at that date, 

October 19

I just can't breathe.