Okay, I'm done being hurt. No more. Now, I'm just pissed off.
Really friggin pissed off.
You know, when you get burned by a guy, you can stay away from guys for awhile...avoid relationships until you can trust again...
What the hell do you do when you get burned by a job? You either keep working away your life in that job and deal with it because you need the paycheck...OR you have to move on to a new job where you have no idea if it'll be better or worse than the one that burned you.
I don't think I can ever work in an office that's completely female again. Need some testosterone in the mix. Ugh.
4.26.2005
4.25.2005
Extra Optimism Needed
I'm soooooo excited. I've never wanted anything so much in my entire life! PLEASE, please, please, please, please let this happen for me. Lots of positive thoughts! Can this please just happen? Can things go my way in a big way, finally? Please, PTB's?
4.24.2005
Absolute Truth
Three years ago, someone who was about to become a very close friend asked me if I believed in truth. This question, along with my state of mind at the time, led me on a search for truth and my philosophies on it. Part of my research involved William James' essays on pragmatism. Lately, I've been exploring my self and my philosophies...and this one has been brought up again and again. Thought I'd share my findings.
What is Truth?
Pragmatism and Truth
. . . if we take the universe of "fitting," countless coats "fit" backs, and countless boots "fit" feet, on which they are not practically fitted; countless stones "fit" gaps in walls into which no one seeks to fit them actually. In the same way countless opinions "fit" realities, and countless truths are valid, tho' no thinker ever thinks them.~ William James, in Philosophical Review (1908). The Pragmatist Account of Truth and Its Misunderstanders
The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths.~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth, as any dictionary will tell you, is a property of certain of our ideas. It means their "agreement," as falsity means their disagreement, with "reality."~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth is essentially a relation between two things, an idea, on the one hand, and a reality outside of the idea, on the other.~ William James, The Meaning of Truth (1909).
Truth is what works.~ William James
Against William James
And my thoughts:
Many people would claim that William James’ idea of truth indicates that truth is relative to the individual and to the situation. When first reading James’ lectures, I also believed that his account of truth seemed very subjective and was baffled as to how his views might support the idea that truth actually is absolute. However, upon more careful reading of “Lecture Six,” I was able to understand that William James actually supports an idea of absolute truth that, unlike the rationalist view of truth, allows functioning within truth even when later findings may discredit what beliefs we now hold.
James undoubtedly supports the idea that truth is absolute and even explains this in his lecture.
“The ‘absolutely’ true, meaning what no farther experience will ever alter, is that ideal vanishing point towards which we imagine that all our temporary truths will some day converge. It runs on all fours with the perfectly wise man and with the absolutely complete experience; and, if these ideals are ever realized, they will all be realized together. Meanwhile we have to live today by what truth we can get today, and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood.” (p222-223)
In this passage, James explains that absolute truth is that which we may eventually come to find and towards which we are always working. An absolute truth does exist, according to James, but we must understand that we do not always have access to it because we are restricted to what we can verify, either directly or indirectly through exchange of information with others. Because we are constantly finding new facts and working them into our system of already held beliefs, we are constantly changing what we believe to be true. These approximations we call truth converge on that ideal vanishing point of which James speaks. Even though our current truths (or our approximations of the truth) may change, we still need a way to identify them as truths and James offers that by defining truth as the process of verification.
James makes a point of demonstrating that one does not simply choose truth based on what he desires by stating that truth must agree with those things we already hold true and new facts with which we are presented. He states that,
“We mustn’t now call Abel ‘Cain’ or Cain “Abel.’ If we do, we ungear ourselves from the whole book of Genesis, and from all its connections with the universe of speech and fact down to the present time. We throw ourselves out of whatever truth that entire system of speech and fact may embody.” (p214)
This indicates that we cannot choose what we wish to hold as true because it must agree with all other truths already present. This process of gaining new truths by connecting them with already-believed truths brings us closer to James’ absolute truth. The truth he speaks of is certainly not relative; it is the act of pursuing that which we hope to find cannot be altered by new truths. It is the act of moving toward that vanishing point.
What is Truth?
Pragmatism and Truth
. . . if we take the universe of "fitting," countless coats "fit" backs, and countless boots "fit" feet, on which they are not practically fitted; countless stones "fit" gaps in walls into which no one seeks to fit them actually. In the same way countless opinions "fit" realities, and countless truths are valid, tho' no thinker ever thinks them.~ William James, in Philosophical Review (1908). The Pragmatist Account of Truth and Its Misunderstanders
The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths.~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth, as any dictionary will tell you, is a property of certain of our ideas. It means their "agreement," as falsity means their disagreement, with "reality."~ William James, Pragmatism: A New Name for Some Old Ways of Thinking (1907).
Truth is essentially a relation between two things, an idea, on the one hand, and a reality outside of the idea, on the other.~ William James, The Meaning of Truth (1909).
Truth is what works.~ William James
Against William James
And my thoughts:
Many people would claim that William James’ idea of truth indicates that truth is relative to the individual and to the situation. When first reading James’ lectures, I also believed that his account of truth seemed very subjective and was baffled as to how his views might support the idea that truth actually is absolute. However, upon more careful reading of “Lecture Six,” I was able to understand that William James actually supports an idea of absolute truth that, unlike the rationalist view of truth, allows functioning within truth even when later findings may discredit what beliefs we now hold.
James undoubtedly supports the idea that truth is absolute and even explains this in his lecture.
“The ‘absolutely’ true, meaning what no farther experience will ever alter, is that ideal vanishing point towards which we imagine that all our temporary truths will some day converge. It runs on all fours with the perfectly wise man and with the absolutely complete experience; and, if these ideals are ever realized, they will all be realized together. Meanwhile we have to live today by what truth we can get today, and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood.” (p222-223)
In this passage, James explains that absolute truth is that which we may eventually come to find and towards which we are always working. An absolute truth does exist, according to James, but we must understand that we do not always have access to it because we are restricted to what we can verify, either directly or indirectly through exchange of information with others. Because we are constantly finding new facts and working them into our system of already held beliefs, we are constantly changing what we believe to be true. These approximations we call truth converge on that ideal vanishing point of which James speaks. Even though our current truths (or our approximations of the truth) may change, we still need a way to identify them as truths and James offers that by defining truth as the process of verification.
James makes a point of demonstrating that one does not simply choose truth based on what he desires by stating that truth must agree with those things we already hold true and new facts with which we are presented. He states that,
“We mustn’t now call Abel ‘Cain’ or Cain “Abel.’ If we do, we ungear ourselves from the whole book of Genesis, and from all its connections with the universe of speech and fact down to the present time. We throw ourselves out of whatever truth that entire system of speech and fact may embody.” (p214)
This indicates that we cannot choose what we wish to hold as true because it must agree with all other truths already present. This process of gaining new truths by connecting them with already-believed truths brings us closer to James’ absolute truth. The truth he speaks of is certainly not relative; it is the act of pursuing that which we hope to find cannot be altered by new truths. It is the act of moving toward that vanishing point.
4.23.2005
Cautiously Optimistic
This seems to be my new term for everything good that happens in my life.
Although things haven't been going very well lately, some things have been looking better. For one, I get to go to San Francisco on Friday and spend a few days with Amy, who I haven't seen in so friggin long, and other friends and that beautiful city. Life is rough right now, but even that doesn't keep me from being soooo excited about my upcoming vacation. I also scored an interview while I'm out there, and it could be a really good fit...so we'll see. Very excited!
After I get back I only have two days of work before I'm off on another day to go to an interview in Kansas City. Not as exciting as San Francisco, but the job offer is certainly a big thing. Maybe life will smile on me for a bit :) I could use the sunshine.
On that note, I'm gonna go play with some puppies at the shelter now!
Although things haven't been going very well lately, some things have been looking better. For one, I get to go to San Francisco on Friday and spend a few days with Amy, who I haven't seen in so friggin long, and other friends and that beautiful city. Life is rough right now, but even that doesn't keep me from being soooo excited about my upcoming vacation. I also scored an interview while I'm out there, and it could be a really good fit...so we'll see. Very excited!
After I get back I only have two days of work before I'm off on another day to go to an interview in Kansas City. Not as exciting as San Francisco, but the job offer is certainly a big thing. Maybe life will smile on me for a bit :) I could use the sunshine.
On that note, I'm gonna go play with some puppies at the shelter now!
4.19.2005
Break Ups Suck
Most break-ups are some form of "you hurt me", "i hate you", or the ever useful "I love you but I'm not in love with you".
Those can be dealt with. The hurt ones make you feel betrayed and untrusting for awhile. The hate ones make you feel angry. The the I'm not in love with yous make you feel betrayed or guilty, depending on which party you are. You get to feel an appropriate emotion toward the other person that helps you get over it.
But what happens if you still really love someone, and you've just learned that it isn't going to work? How do you deal with it when you love someone so much that you're willing to reevaluate your needs and passions, but you learn that love isn't always enough. Fact is...love doesn't conquer all. Love can make you go a long way toward trying, but there's got to be some major strength of character, flexibility, and willingness to completely change a personality to make it work sometimes. And personality changes? Those are definitely a bad idea...unless of course you're going for the dissociative identity disorder appeal.
Of course some of you might say, if it's not going to work, you must not love each other enough...or maybe that if the personalities are so different, you shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place.
I disagree. Some people come along at times in your life when you think you're ready for a change...and maybe you feel like they have a way of doing things that could work for you. Once you get there, though, you realize that you had to try something new, but then you have to balance it back out with how you were before so that you can accumulate through your life rather than changing from phase to phase. Hopefully, they can adopt some of your ways and you can reach a happy give and take that lets you move forward in your life together. Sometimes, however, you shock the hell out of that person by trying to balance back toward your old ways and it just doesn't work. Maybe they've met someone like you before...maybe they've tried your ways. Maybe they're trying now, but it's just not who they are.
You've changed for them, you think, so why can't they change a bit for me? BUt you have to realize you are asking someone to change their personality for you. You offered, you adapted, but just because you did doesn't mean they are able to. And did you really adapt all that much anyway? You can't be too sure. Introspection is never objective.
So one day you're having a conversation that epitomizes your constant clash of personalities and values. All of a sudden, you see yourself as adults, with children, with real responsibilities...trying to figure it all out. If you're trying to change each other now...if these little things are such a big deal every single time they come up...how on earth are you going to handle it when it's the big things?
You see yourself never changing. You see yourself losing sight of your values and your dreams because you've had to adapt just a little too much. You know that you've done the same to this person who is supposed to be your love. You love this person so much you can't let go, but you finally realize that you will never be yourself, never be understood, never understand, and never be truly happy if you keep expecting changes that should never have to be made.
So you end it. You cry. You try to deal with your broken heart without anger or blame or guilt because none of that really fits here. You try to move towards friends, but you still have so much love. You know it's for the best. You know one day you'll be friends. And you know you will always love each other.
My love for you will never change.
Those can be dealt with. The hurt ones make you feel betrayed and untrusting for awhile. The hate ones make you feel angry. The the I'm not in love with yous make you feel betrayed or guilty, depending on which party you are. You get to feel an appropriate emotion toward the other person that helps you get over it.
But what happens if you still really love someone, and you've just learned that it isn't going to work? How do you deal with it when you love someone so much that you're willing to reevaluate your needs and passions, but you learn that love isn't always enough. Fact is...love doesn't conquer all. Love can make you go a long way toward trying, but there's got to be some major strength of character, flexibility, and willingness to completely change a personality to make it work sometimes. And personality changes? Those are definitely a bad idea...unless of course you're going for the dissociative identity disorder appeal.
Of course some of you might say, if it's not going to work, you must not love each other enough...or maybe that if the personalities are so different, you shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place.
I disagree. Some people come along at times in your life when you think you're ready for a change...and maybe you feel like they have a way of doing things that could work for you. Once you get there, though, you realize that you had to try something new, but then you have to balance it back out with how you were before so that you can accumulate through your life rather than changing from phase to phase. Hopefully, they can adopt some of your ways and you can reach a happy give and take that lets you move forward in your life together. Sometimes, however, you shock the hell out of that person by trying to balance back toward your old ways and it just doesn't work. Maybe they've met someone like you before...maybe they've tried your ways. Maybe they're trying now, but it's just not who they are.
You've changed for them, you think, so why can't they change a bit for me? BUt you have to realize you are asking someone to change their personality for you. You offered, you adapted, but just because you did doesn't mean they are able to. And did you really adapt all that much anyway? You can't be too sure. Introspection is never objective.
So one day you're having a conversation that epitomizes your constant clash of personalities and values. All of a sudden, you see yourself as adults, with children, with real responsibilities...trying to figure it all out. If you're trying to change each other now...if these little things are such a big deal every single time they come up...how on earth are you going to handle it when it's the big things?
You see yourself never changing. You see yourself losing sight of your values and your dreams because you've had to adapt just a little too much. You know that you've done the same to this person who is supposed to be your love. You love this person so much you can't let go, but you finally realize that you will never be yourself, never be understood, never understand, and never be truly happy if you keep expecting changes that should never have to be made.
So you end it. You cry. You try to deal with your broken heart without anger or blame or guilt because none of that really fits here. You try to move towards friends, but you still have so much love. You know it's for the best. You know one day you'll be friends. And you know you will always love each other.
My love for you will never change.
4.13.2005
Redneck-ified Chinese Food
I'm just learned that cashew chicken is not a dish that can be eaten with chopsticks out of the little chinese to go box.
If you're ever in southwest Missouri, you should order Cashew Chicken. You can only get true Ozark cashew chicken in Springfield and the surrounding area. Basically, there was a large immigration of Chinese people here in the 50s or something, and they all opened restaurants. They then all promptly failed b/c rednecks aren't into that weird new fangled Asian food (we JUST last year got our second sushi restaurant, and the first one used sushi as a sidebar and the steakhouse aspect as the main attraction...now we're booming with sushi bars, though). Well, in order to keep from going out of business, someone in this town invented cashew chicken. Yes, I realize that's a dish you can get in a lot of places, but it's different here. Basically what they did was take the chicken that every other restaurant puts in general's chicken or sesame chicken or whatnot, took out those hot red peppers so it's not spicy, took out any vegetables that might give it a semblance of actually being a Chinese dish, and added redneck gravy. Until I moved to St. Louis, getting Chinese meant getting cashew chicken...which meant getting chicken nuggets on rice with brown gravy and cashews and NOTHING ELSE on it. At all the Chinese restaurants, and even at the sushi bars here, you still have to ask for chopsticks...and even funnier to me...you can get chopsticks at the Thai place. And there's no such thing as Chinese delivery. The only foods that deliver here are pizza and deli stuff. We do, however, have lots of Chinese drive through, and my favorite place boasts the best cashew chicken in town. Given that I had enough growing up to mean I never have to try it again (and once I tried real chinese food I started a new addiction) I'd never ordered it. Last night I was feeling country, but wanted egg rolls, too, so I went and got cashew chicken. This always means a wonderfully cold lunch out of the box the next day. The brown gravy we Ozarkers have added to the dish, though, congeals in such a way that my chopsticks skills are worthless.
You learn something new every day.
If you're ever in southwest Missouri, you should order Cashew Chicken. You can only get true Ozark cashew chicken in Springfield and the surrounding area. Basically, there was a large immigration of Chinese people here in the 50s or something, and they all opened restaurants. They then all promptly failed b/c rednecks aren't into that weird new fangled Asian food (we JUST last year got our second sushi restaurant, and the first one used sushi as a sidebar and the steakhouse aspect as the main attraction...now we're booming with sushi bars, though). Well, in order to keep from going out of business, someone in this town invented cashew chicken. Yes, I realize that's a dish you can get in a lot of places, but it's different here. Basically what they did was take the chicken that every other restaurant puts in general's chicken or sesame chicken or whatnot, took out those hot red peppers so it's not spicy, took out any vegetables that might give it a semblance of actually being a Chinese dish, and added redneck gravy. Until I moved to St. Louis, getting Chinese meant getting cashew chicken...which meant getting chicken nuggets on rice with brown gravy and cashews and NOTHING ELSE on it. At all the Chinese restaurants, and even at the sushi bars here, you still have to ask for chopsticks...and even funnier to me...you can get chopsticks at the Thai place. And there's no such thing as Chinese delivery. The only foods that deliver here are pizza and deli stuff. We do, however, have lots of Chinese drive through, and my favorite place boasts the best cashew chicken in town. Given that I had enough growing up to mean I never have to try it again (and once I tried real chinese food I started a new addiction) I'd never ordered it. Last night I was feeling country, but wanted egg rolls, too, so I went and got cashew chicken. This always means a wonderfully cold lunch out of the box the next day. The brown gravy we Ozarkers have added to the dish, though, congeals in such a way that my chopsticks skills are worthless.
You learn something new every day.
4.02.2005
Why I Take Pride in My Status as a Wash U Alum
BREAST CANCER VACCINE MAY BE ON THE HORIZON:
Researchers at WashingtonUniversity School of Medicine and the Alvin J. Siteman Cancer Center arereporting progress toward development of a breast cancer vaccine.Researchers are studying a protein called mammaglobin-A, which is found in80 percent of breast tumors. Utilizing a DNA vaccine they constructed,they plan to now conduct clinical trials in patients who are at very highrisk for breast cancer and in patients who have had a relapse after initialtreatment.
Researchers at WashingtonUniversity School of Medicine and the Alvin J. Siteman Cancer Center arereporting progress toward development of a breast cancer vaccine.Researchers are studying a protein called mammaglobin-A, which is found in80 percent of breast tumors. Utilizing a DNA vaccine they constructed,they plan to now conduct clinical trials in patients who are at very highrisk for breast cancer and in patients who have had a relapse after initialtreatment.
4.01.2005
SoCoTussin
I called my mom tonight...exasperated with my coughing to the point of tears. My sweet old German mama says, "do you have any whiskey?" I seem to remember as a child being given teaspoonsful of whiskey mixed with honey when I couldn't stop coughing. Conveniently, it actually works. And not because it gets you drunk...sipping it loosens up those asthmatic lungs. Good to know. I'm gonna be an alkie tomorrow.
3.23.2005
Sunshine-y Thoughts
I asked the Mandys to send me sunny thoughts. Mandyreen's reply?
1) Barry Manilow in a gold lamé thong
2) Richard Simmons eyeing Barry longingly
3) Both of them doing Sweating to the 70's Ballads
I'm sure Ricardo does a mean Mandy interpretative dance!
Yeah, my face is a bit more smiley :)
1) Barry Manilow in a gold lamé thong
2) Richard Simmons eyeing Barry longingly
3) Both of them doing Sweating to the 70's Ballads
I'm sure Ricardo does a mean Mandy interpretative dance!
Yeah, my face is a bit more smiley :)
Happy Camper Anxiety
A meeting was held this morning to determine the future of Happy Camper. Right now, my boss is away finding out the results of that meeting. When she comes back, she will know the future of my job. For all I know, I could be asked to pack up and leave today. I'm just a teensy bit on edge. Anyone wanna buy me a drink?
3.22.2005
Shout out to the L-Dawg
Linz is the most beautiful, most amazing person I have ever encountered. She is always there to help you with anything you need. She has the greatest circle of friends and you know if Linz loves em, you're going to love em, too. She introduced me to the only church where I've really felt at home, and makes me long to be back there with her tales of sermons and random adventures. Linz has a heart bigger than a two-trunked pink elephant and shares it with everyone who receives her smile. Sometimes she laughs when you cry, but only as she's hugging you and telling you how beautiful you are...she has true faith that all will be well so she offers up humor rather than pity. Linz shakes your world with excitement over what you used to think were the most mundane things. She gets you pumped up and laughing even when life has you curled up in the fetal position. Everyone needs a Linz. Few of us are lucky enough to have one. I am bless.
I miss you, Murl.
Check out Linzer's fantastic blog!
I miss you, Murl.
Check out Linzer's fantastic blog!
3.04.2005
My sunny disposition
I just read over the past few blogs and realized how horribly depressed I sound. Well, that's cause I was when I wrote them, I guess. Things aren't going great with Happy Camper, but I have hope for what can happen now. And the boy and I are just fine and dandy. Just thought I'd let you know I hadn't crawled into a hole to die. The sun is shining and life gets better every day.
3.01.2005
A good friend sent me this story and it made me smile during a period of frustration and confusion:
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:
I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die. I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me." I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...
Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:
I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die. I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me." I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...
Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
2.27.2005
"Their love is deeper than desire, than affection, than respect, so deep that its wellspring is humor. Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other."
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy
2.25.2005
What it's all about:
http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html
Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.
First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH
http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html
Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.
First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH
2.24.2005
Screenname: How have you been?
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard
2.18.2005
When you spiral down into an emotional pit, it's difficult to see the other side of things. Even when it only lasts a few days, it feels like things will at the best be numb for awhile. I felt like there was no resolution and I just had to wait it all out to let the emotions blow over. Who would have thought that one well spoken statement could change it all. Everything looks brighter, the pressure has lifted away from my chest a bit, and my eyes sure as hell don't hurt as much. It's amazing what a little communication--real communication--can do.
Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.
Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.
2.11.2005
Happy Camper Frustrations
It’s already been a rough day. My boss called me in to ask me about my time sheet that I turned into her for payroll. She told me that we have to have discussions about events that I attend because I shouldn’t be getting paid for them. My understanding is that she was speaking for the board and not herself, but she told me that salaried employees were “volunteering” their time, so I should be, too. I pointed out that salaried employees get to leave for doctor appointments or car check ups or what not without taking a dock in their pay, so they make up for it by working after hours events occasionally and it all evens out. I, however, don’t get to leave, or be five minutes late, without taking a dock in my pay because my paycheck is based on what’s recorded on paper. Therefore, when I have to work events and such it is extra time, not part of a balance like it is with the salaried employees. I pointed out to her that when she and the program services manager were sick and stayed home from work, they didn’t take a dock in their pay, but I didn’t get paid at all for those hours I was gone. She said that salaried employees accrue sick time. I told her that I accrue sick time, too, but NONE of us get to take it until we’ve been here six months. They’ve both already taken some. She told me that the board discussion was simply that we had to talk about events and determine whether they would be volunteer events for me. I told her very frankly that I would not do them if they were volunteer events. She told me I didn’t need to get that way with her. I calmed a bit and said that it wasn’t about her, I was frustrated with the board, and that with the way they have been treating us lately I will not be doing volunteer work. I will gladly volunteer as a wishgranter, but I will not volunteer time that I’ve been getting paid for and that I should have as my sole job anyway. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but that I was very frustrated with the board. She told me that it wasn’t my job to worry about the board, she was doing that. Except that it’s everything about my life that it’s affecting. Anyway, I went back in a few minutes later and just apologized for getting defensive. She told me it was no problem, she didn’t blame me, and then we moved on to happier conversations and looking at pics of her husbands trip to Korea where he is right now.
I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?
I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*
I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?
I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*
2.06.2005
2.01.2005
Part of my job should NOT be protecting my company's from people trying to exploit us. There are so many small businesses out there, especially people who run their own start ups, that try to take advantage of the logo. They're trying to get us to do free publicity for them in exchange for a 10% donation. Seriously...when they only reason you're donating to us is to get something from us, the donation should be a little larger than that. Argh.
1.11.2005
Greg's dad flew up from Tampa last weekend. -- Greg is the boyfriend. This is significant...I named the puppy (see Sweetest Thing), so it looks like I'll have to keep him now. :) -- Anyway, Greg's dad and stepmom flew up and we had a very cool visit. I played nice and they thought well of me. And you know it's an entertaining weekend when conversation surrounds the size of your boyfriend's sister's childhood turds.
So I've been browsing tall websites and feeling annoyed with the lack of clothing available. This is what I found:
A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com
Rock on.
On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm
Sad.
A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com
Rock on.
On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm
Sad.
Today I found myself caught in one of the many "can't win" cycles of early adulthood. I want to be the new Director of Development. In order to get the promotion, I need to be able to look professional in the business community. To look professional, I need a professional wardrobe. Additions to a wardrobe cost money. To get money, I need a promotion. Yuck.
Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)
Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)
1.05.2005
I have this absolutely incredible boyfriend and things are going so well...but none of you would know that for sure because I never write about him. I've discovered four main reasons:
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.
I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.
I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)
12.20.2004
Got my hair done. Tried to go brunette, but told the chick i was a bit scared of the color change. Thought it was really dark until I dried it, and now it's just a dark blonde. Too dark to be a great blonde, too light to be a real brunette. Hrm.
On a more successful note, I finally got our office completely into the 21st century. I did away with carbon copy receipts and finally switched to computer printouts. WOO HOO! Yay for not having to use the friggin typewriter anymore!
Christmas with the boyfriend's family this weekend. On Sunday he basically handed over control of his credit card to me so I could buy them all gifts. Way fun. Seriously love buying gifts for people, especially with other people's money. Can't wait to hang out with them while they open the presents now.
On a more successful note, I finally got our office completely into the 21st century. I did away with carbon copy receipts and finally switched to computer printouts. WOO HOO! Yay for not having to use the friggin typewriter anymore!
Christmas with the boyfriend's family this weekend. On Sunday he basically handed over control of his credit card to me so I could buy them all gifts. Way fun. Seriously love buying gifts for people, especially with other people's money. Can't wait to hang out with them while they open the presents now.
12.06.2004
11.29.2004
11.26.2004
Happy Thanksgiving
Started very well. Had Wed. off so I could clean and prepare, the wonderful boy came down for the holiday weekend and helped out a bit. Apartment, with exception of my room, was spotless and everything was where it belonged for the first time since we moved in. Dinner prep went very well. Made a whole hell of a lot of food and everyone said we made too much. Good thing, because we only had enough leftovers to do lunch today. Corey made yummy broccoli and cheese casserole, we had turkey and mom's dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade cranberry sauce, two kinds of sweet potatoes (cause I don't like the really sweet ones with all the extra stuff on them), pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin pie, devilled eggs, fruit salad, and spicy chocolate cookies. Not too shabby. Mom and her boy came, Dad and Joan, Pat, Chuck and his boy, and then Corey and Greg. We had lots of wine and started drinking at 2pm. It was fabulous. After the parental units left, we cracked out the hard alcohol and turned it into a full fledged party. Corey molested my boyfriend, Heather came over and taught us how to salsa her way, and Chuck's boy provided us with enough alcohol to last us til next Thanksgiving. We woke up this morning to a kitchen full of awful smelly dishes and sticky flooring, and a floor full of half empty drink glasses. Yum. Some Thanksgiving :) Bet the pilgrims didn't have this much fun.
11.24.2004
11.23.2004
Thanksgiving...this is my first one at MY home. I'm cooking for the family, including Mom and her new boyfriend (yeah, weird, my MOTHER kissed a man after like 9 years of no interaction with the opposite sex...scary), my dad and his gf, my boyfriend, my roommate, a friend and his roommate, and possibly my sister and her family. I sooooo am wondering if I thought I could handle more than I actually can. It'll be fun, though. I scored a three day holiday so that I can be off tomorrow to get ready.
I experienced the first death of a child whose case I actually worked on yesterday. We were just talking about her an hour or so before her mom called. This one was unexpected. It's the sad part of what we do here.
I experienced the first death of a child whose case I actually worked on yesterday. We were just talking about her an hour or so before her mom called. This one was unexpected. It's the sad part of what we do here.
11.10.2004
The dark side of non-profits
I've been receiving calls as of late, at home and at work, from people telling me we called them to ask for money, or asking who the wishing well foundation is and if that's us here at our office. Well, here's the deal. The Wishing Well Foundation is an organization in Louisiana. They have fundraising companies based in Iowa and Missouri that do telemarketing.
This is the dirt I uncovered on them:
http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/childrenswish.html
I would say this is enough for me state that they are not legit. We will NEVER NEVER call you to ask for money. NO PHONE SOLICITATIONS.
Be careful where you spend your money.
And heck, if you're gonna spend your money, email me and I'll give you the address of a non-profit in desperate need of what you've got. :)
This is the dirt I uncovered on them:
http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/childrenswish.html
I would say this is enough for me state that they are not legit. We will NEVER NEVER call you to ask for money. NO PHONE SOLICITATIONS.
Be careful where you spend your money.
And heck, if you're gonna spend your money, email me and I'll give you the address of a non-profit in desperate need of what you've got. :)
11.09.2004
Another great political post.
www.fuckthesouth.com
although probably somewhat blasphemous coming from me, I suppose :)
www.fuckthesouth.com
although probably somewhat blasphemous coming from me, I suppose :)
11.07.2004
10.20.2004
10.12.2004
9.24.2004
I GOT THE JOB!
Hey...anyone wanna work with an amazing little girl as a community integration specialist? Email Me! I need a replacement.
Hey...anyone wanna work with an amazing little girl as a community integration specialist? Email Me! I need a replacement.
9.21.2004
What A Girl Wants
Ray Blackston's version of what men MUST do for women, as told in a dialogue in his novel, Flabbergasted:
After a young man mentions the idea of there being one person for everyone that has been well hidden thus far, two young women have the following to say:
"Don't believe that. If I stay in South Carolina, I could meet somebody. Or if I were to move to Idaho, I could meet somebody else. But if I married either one, that one would be the right now."
"But the right one has to prove he's the right one."
"He has to treat you like a precious gem, but he needs to be in a real relationship with God first."
"All of that opening of doors and bringing of flowers is a given. A guy's momma shoulda taught 'im that."
"At least that."
"Birthdays and annivesaries seared into his brain."
"That, too."
"Without even asking, he should know if I'm happy or sad or somewhere in between."
"And none of those yes-men who agree with everything, like if a girl says she loves moldy cheese and the guy says he loves moldy cheese, too. We don't need that."
"Definitely don't need that."
"And no calling us at 11:00pm on Thursday, requesting a date for Friday."
"That wouldn't be courteous."
"And if you want to skimp on something, skimp on the price of your lawnmower or your golf clubs, or sit in the cheap seats at the ball games. But don't skimp on us."
"That's a fact."
"And after a nice evening, call us the next day and tell us we're special."
"That'd be nice."
"And if we go to the same church and then break up, don't sit next to us during the Sunday morning service and ask to share a hymnal."
"Yuck."
"But if we get back together, make it clear that we girls can order whatever meal we want, since the price of steak versus meatloaf pales in comparison to a lifetime of love and devotion."
"Another thing...he should never, on a date or any other social occasion, let us get into situations that might be even slightly perceived as compromising."
"Now, just take good notes and inform the entire male populace."
After a young man mentions the idea of there being one person for everyone that has been well hidden thus far, two young women have the following to say:
"Don't believe that. If I stay in South Carolina, I could meet somebody. Or if I were to move to Idaho, I could meet somebody else. But if I married either one, that one would be the right now."
"But the right one has to prove he's the right one."
"He has to treat you like a precious gem, but he needs to be in a real relationship with God first."
"All of that opening of doors and bringing of flowers is a given. A guy's momma shoulda taught 'im that."
"At least that."
"Birthdays and annivesaries seared into his brain."
"That, too."
"Without even asking, he should know if I'm happy or sad or somewhere in between."
"And none of those yes-men who agree with everything, like if a girl says she loves moldy cheese and the guy says he loves moldy cheese, too. We don't need that."
"Definitely don't need that."
"And no calling us at 11:00pm on Thursday, requesting a date for Friday."
"That wouldn't be courteous."
"And if you want to skimp on something, skimp on the price of your lawnmower or your golf clubs, or sit in the cheap seats at the ball games. But don't skimp on us."
"That's a fact."
"And after a nice evening, call us the next day and tell us we're special."
"That'd be nice."
"And if we go to the same church and then break up, don't sit next to us during the Sunday morning service and ask to share a hymnal."
"Yuck."
"But if we get back together, make it clear that we girls can order whatever meal we want, since the price of steak versus meatloaf pales in comparison to a lifetime of love and devotion."
"Another thing...he should never, on a date or any other social occasion, let us get into situations that might be even slightly perceived as compromising."
"Now, just take good notes and inform the entire male populace."
9.20.2004
I'm such a dork. Happy Camper calls to set up the interview with the board, and I feel all comfortable with the director because we've had this ongoing thing now during this hiring porcess...so she asks what time I want to meet and I say noon. Thinking about how far it is from BN, I decide I should probably move it, but instead of being professional, stupid little me goes (in an excited voice), "Oh, can we move it to 12:15? In case there's traffic, I don't want to make a bad impression on him." She says, "oooookay" with an incredulous tone. A little too comfy there, eh? I'm a dork. And if I don't get the job now I feel the gods of interviewing are going to remove my tongue. Seriously. Bah.
9.19.2004
9.14.2004
The Stinkin' Drunk Twelve Step Program
Step One: The Call of the Drink
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the inital lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink.
(The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)
Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs--Dialing While Intoxicated--which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step Eight: "It's Ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step Ten: I Love Being Me
Your are witty. You begin feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.
Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.
from The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the inital lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink.
(The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)
Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs--Dialing While Intoxicated--which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.
Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.
Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."
Step Eight: "It's Ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.
Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.
Step Ten: I Love Being Me
Your are witty. You begin feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.
Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.
Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.
from The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
9.10.2004
9.09.2004
I didn't get the job with Happy Camper Foundation*. The exec director is trying to create a position for me, but the board won't do it. What they did do was add a fundraising aspect to the office manager position and make it full time. Now the exec director wants to offer me that position but she has to let the treasurer interview for the office manager part of it. That means he wants someone with accounting experience, which I don't have. I'm interviewing next week for it. We'll see what happens.
*Some names are made up to protect the innocent :)
*Some names are made up to protect the innocent :)
9.08.2004
9.07.2004
9.06.2004
Mike left on Sunday after spending a week in town. It's nice. For once in my life it's not this highly dramatic emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. He leaves, it sucks, but it's all okay, not a huge deal. I feel very normal for the first time in a long time. It's sad, though...we made it work so well this week that I totaly feel like it could actually work and I'm just a bit melancholy that it was only for a week. I miss him.
Just finished watching 13 Going on 30 AGAIN. I LOVE this movie!!!! Love it sooo much, but it makes me cry like a friggin jr high girl who just got ditched at a party. Who finds that kind of love? Who meets someone that is just their best friend and then ends up totally in love and happy and married and sitting on a luxurious white couch in the front yard of their brand new pink house in a manhattan suburb? Who? The movie is a fairytale, but it's so depressing because I'm never gonna have that pink house. How sad.
I WANT THE PINK HOUSE DAMMIT!
I WANT THE PINK HOUSE DAMMIT!
8.17.2004
8.12.2004
Exeriences of the last 24 hours...
3 trips to the DMV
12 yr old bodybuilder's enema
bite from a 12 yr old with jaws of steel
2 shots of tequila
5 michelob lights
2 white russians
new car (almost)
cat fight (literally)
job application
reprimand from a librarian
application for a death certificate
discovery of Quick Trip's refusal to carry Mounds bars
a good friend and a car ride
realizing I have pictures of KTTS' newest DJ in undies
12 yr old bodybuilder's enema
bite from a 12 yr old with jaws of steel
2 shots of tequila
5 michelob lights
2 white russians
new car (almost)
cat fight (literally)
job application
reprimand from a librarian
application for a death certificate
discovery of Quick Trip's refusal to carry Mounds bars
a good friend and a car ride
realizing I have pictures of KTTS' newest DJ in undies
8.10.2004
7.28.2004
7.07.2004
At a young age little girls plan grand weddings for Barbie and Ken, play house with the neighborhood boys (assuming one of them will voluntarily play daddy), and watch Disney princesses fight their way towards that handsome prince.
Well, little girls grow up. We find someone who fits the bill and assign him Charming status. Eventually that blows up in our face because no man could ever live up to the expectations we set for that first time around. A couple of these pass through our lives and we lower our expectations a bit. We no longer care about things we were told Prince Charming had because we learn about the things we need as individuals. At some point we'd simply be happy for a human of the xy variety who can hold down a job and kiss well.
Then we meet him. That man who surpasses our low expectations and shows us that reality can hold so much more. We rush into it full force thinking this is the greatest thing ever and this is what movies like Casablanca are all about. We know this is the one. We give willingly of ourselves, knowing that we will die holding hands with this amazing man. Then one day, we realize what we thought we had was a mirage created by all those supressed fantasies we thought we'd long forgotten. We learn that he isn't really what we thought. Our hearts shatter into tiny pieces and we try desparately to round them all up before they wash away in the river of our tears. We are crushed. We are cynical. But we still want that fairy tale. We are determined to wait, cautious with our hopes and our happiness.
Some time later, we meet him. That one who might not blow us away at the beginning, but makes us want to believe. That one who, when we give him the chance, shows us that love really can be all that we ever dreamed...it just might not be exactly to our specifications. That one who loves us even when we're shitty or overemotional or dorky or drunk or cranky or just plain ourselves. We don't give into it right away...we've been hurt, we want to guard our hearts. The pieces may be back in place, but there are still a few missing. How do you give your heart away when it's no longer whole? So we bide our time. We enjoy quick kisses and uncertain smiles of happiness. The words "I love you" make us cringe and smile all at the same time. We never really let him be certain that we're in this for the long haul, because we aren't yet certain. We force him to keep pursuing, persuading, in hopes that one day he will convince us that he is our prince. We take it slowly, and let ourselves move along the road towards the possible.
One day, we can no longer wait. He has pursued long enough. We know this man is everything we want, everything we've ever wanted, and we open up that heart. It's fragile, but we offer it out to him anyway. Cracks and dents and all. We let him in. We let him see through the cracks and take a walk through that heart. We let him see how much we care about him. We stop forcing him to pursue us, and we show him that we long for him just the same. We are in love.
Then we get scared. Shit, we think, he's in there. The last one was in there and took so much of that heart with him. What if this one doesn't love me now that he knows I love him? Maybe he likes the chase...now that he has me he'll stop wanting me. Or maybe he likes a girl of mystery...now that he's seen it all he'll lose interest. This poor little heart can't take that. Our frantic thoughts take over recent thoughts of love and happiness, until we can no longer enjoy the good without tainting it with fear.
We tell him. He reassures us. He doesn't understand.
Yeah, so. The last one reassured us, too, the Fucker.
So now we're scared, insecure, and not ourselves. Now he starts to see the side of us we never wanted to show anyone. He gets frustrated with our fear. Now, we wonder, will he run?
Our first reaction is to gain control again. We're scared on this supposedly level (but to us, oh so unlevel) playing ground and we need to take a step back so that we can compose ourselves. So we have to take it all back. We can't go back in time, but we can pull away. So we pull from his arms. We wait for him to call us again. We watch the clock and make ourselves wait exactly 47 minutes to call him after we have the first impulse. We only tell him we love him when he says it first. We start a new hobby. We suddenly aren't available on Friday nights. We pull back so that he won't see what a mess we are inside. We pull back to regain that aura of mystery so he won't lose interest. We pull back so that he will, again, be forced to pursue us.
Sometimes, he doesn't pursue us. We say, fuck it, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the one...and move on. Knowing all along that we killed it with our insecurity, but unable to let go of the fear. We hope that one day we'll find the one who keeps pursuing. The one who won't let us run. The one who will grab us and yell us to stop being so fucking crazy and realize how madly in love with us he is and that he will always be there no matter how neurotic we are and how much we try to pull away. He'll yell it at us until we're not sure if we should cry or laugh, and then he'll kiss us hard and tell us again and again that he wants us and that we have absolutely nothing to fear. And then he'll kiss us long and soft and slow. A seal for the promise of the depth of his love.
We hope we'll find that one. We want to believe in that one. We want to believe that THIS one IS THAT one. But while we hope, we expect the worst. He will fail us. He will run. Could anyone ever REALLY love this mess? Probably not. So we kill every chance at love with our insecurity, hoping that someday someone will be strong enough to show us that we have nothing to fear...that he will fight us for us. And that he will hold our hands while, together, we fight through to the other side, where we are not scared and all is bliss. We want to be with him in that land where fear succumbs to absolute unconditional true love.
We want the same thing we wanted when we were still those little girls and our biggest questions involved the clothing of Barbie's bridesmaids.
We want the fairy tale.
Well, little girls grow up. We find someone who fits the bill and assign him Charming status. Eventually that blows up in our face because no man could ever live up to the expectations we set for that first time around. A couple of these pass through our lives and we lower our expectations a bit. We no longer care about things we were told Prince Charming had because we learn about the things we need as individuals. At some point we'd simply be happy for a human of the xy variety who can hold down a job and kiss well.
Then we meet him. That man who surpasses our low expectations and shows us that reality can hold so much more. We rush into it full force thinking this is the greatest thing ever and this is what movies like Casablanca are all about. We know this is the one. We give willingly of ourselves, knowing that we will die holding hands with this amazing man. Then one day, we realize what we thought we had was a mirage created by all those supressed fantasies we thought we'd long forgotten. We learn that he isn't really what we thought. Our hearts shatter into tiny pieces and we try desparately to round them all up before they wash away in the river of our tears. We are crushed. We are cynical. But we still want that fairy tale. We are determined to wait, cautious with our hopes and our happiness.
Some time later, we meet him. That one who might not blow us away at the beginning, but makes us want to believe. That one who, when we give him the chance, shows us that love really can be all that we ever dreamed...it just might not be exactly to our specifications. That one who loves us even when we're shitty or overemotional or dorky or drunk or cranky or just plain ourselves. We don't give into it right away...we've been hurt, we want to guard our hearts. The pieces may be back in place, but there are still a few missing. How do you give your heart away when it's no longer whole? So we bide our time. We enjoy quick kisses and uncertain smiles of happiness. The words "I love you" make us cringe and smile all at the same time. We never really let him be certain that we're in this for the long haul, because we aren't yet certain. We force him to keep pursuing, persuading, in hopes that one day he will convince us that he is our prince. We take it slowly, and let ourselves move along the road towards the possible.
One day, we can no longer wait. He has pursued long enough. We know this man is everything we want, everything we've ever wanted, and we open up that heart. It's fragile, but we offer it out to him anyway. Cracks and dents and all. We let him in. We let him see through the cracks and take a walk through that heart. We let him see how much we care about him. We stop forcing him to pursue us, and we show him that we long for him just the same. We are in love.
Then we get scared. Shit, we think, he's in there. The last one was in there and took so much of that heart with him. What if this one doesn't love me now that he knows I love him? Maybe he likes the chase...now that he has me he'll stop wanting me. Or maybe he likes a girl of mystery...now that he's seen it all he'll lose interest. This poor little heart can't take that. Our frantic thoughts take over recent thoughts of love and happiness, until we can no longer enjoy the good without tainting it with fear.
We tell him. He reassures us. He doesn't understand.
Yeah, so. The last one reassured us, too, the Fucker.
So now we're scared, insecure, and not ourselves. Now he starts to see the side of us we never wanted to show anyone. He gets frustrated with our fear. Now, we wonder, will he run?
Our first reaction is to gain control again. We're scared on this supposedly level (but to us, oh so unlevel) playing ground and we need to take a step back so that we can compose ourselves. So we have to take it all back. We can't go back in time, but we can pull away. So we pull from his arms. We wait for him to call us again. We watch the clock and make ourselves wait exactly 47 minutes to call him after we have the first impulse. We only tell him we love him when he says it first. We start a new hobby. We suddenly aren't available on Friday nights. We pull back so that he won't see what a mess we are inside. We pull back to regain that aura of mystery so he won't lose interest. We pull back so that he will, again, be forced to pursue us.
Sometimes, he doesn't pursue us. We say, fuck it, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the one...and move on. Knowing all along that we killed it with our insecurity, but unable to let go of the fear. We hope that one day we'll find the one who keeps pursuing. The one who won't let us run. The one who will grab us and yell us to stop being so fucking crazy and realize how madly in love with us he is and that he will always be there no matter how neurotic we are and how much we try to pull away. He'll yell it at us until we're not sure if we should cry or laugh, and then he'll kiss us hard and tell us again and again that he wants us and that we have absolutely nothing to fear. And then he'll kiss us long and soft and slow. A seal for the promise of the depth of his love.
We hope we'll find that one. We want to believe in that one. We want to believe that THIS one IS THAT one. But while we hope, we expect the worst. He will fail us. He will run. Could anyone ever REALLY love this mess? Probably not. So we kill every chance at love with our insecurity, hoping that someday someone will be strong enough to show us that we have nothing to fear...that he will fight us for us. And that he will hold our hands while, together, we fight through to the other side, where we are not scared and all is bliss. We want to be with him in that land where fear succumbs to absolute unconditional true love.
We want the same thing we wanted when we were still those little girls and our biggest questions involved the clothing of Barbie's bridesmaids.
We want the fairy tale.
7.06.2004
6.23.2004
6.18.2004
6.13.2004
Oh Mandy. What a night.
Not particularly wild or anything, just interesting.
Went to Martha's. Did NOT want to go. Was not up for dealing with drama queeny queens and was PMSy and knew I couldn't get drunk, so it was all a bit much for me last night.
Got to Martha's. Looked hot, but for who? Lots of older lesbians there last night. Thought I recognized a chick I knew when I walked in and did a double take. She thought I was checking her out and grabbed my ass later.
Random little very fem guy comes up and says he has to introduce himself to me. Apparently he saw me at Chuck's bday in my fem version of drag and thought I was cool for wearing a tie and bowler hat. Decided I was fun and he had to know me. Invited us to a party next week and to make out with him. uh...no.
Tall chick...my height...came up to me. Actually only 6'2 but in big heels...also much bigger than me, made me feel small and a little uncomfortable. Not a fan of looking slightly up to anyone.
Talking to her when older lesbian approaches to ask if I'm gay. I say no, she says oh, with a disappointed look. Turns out not to be because of her interest, but because her friend grabbed my ass. Her friend is straight. So I guess she wanted her one time experience or something. Won't be with me.
Lesbian proceeds to tell me and tall chick that we should be together and that we shouldn't be at martha's if we're not looking for ass from a woman. Excuse me? ugh. I know it's a meat market...but that's why I enjoy...I'm not PART of that meat market. Bah.
Sidewalk sale outside after closing involved lots of rain, with me in a pale yellow tank and newly straightened hair, dammit. Fanagled Corey into making out with hot guy who wanted to take his picture in the rain in the street. It was great, but Corey didn't think he was hot.
Hot army guy was def sending signs of hitting on Corey, but when prodded said he wasn't gay. So confusing.
Soaked through and through we left, tired and cold and ready to curl up in bed.
Not particularly wild or anything, just interesting.
Went to Martha's. Did NOT want to go. Was not up for dealing with drama queeny queens and was PMSy and knew I couldn't get drunk, so it was all a bit much for me last night.
Got to Martha's. Looked hot, but for who? Lots of older lesbians there last night. Thought I recognized a chick I knew when I walked in and did a double take. She thought I was checking her out and grabbed my ass later.
Random little very fem guy comes up and says he has to introduce himself to me. Apparently he saw me at Chuck's bday in my fem version of drag and thought I was cool for wearing a tie and bowler hat. Decided I was fun and he had to know me. Invited us to a party next week and to make out with him. uh...no.
Tall chick...my height...came up to me. Actually only 6'2 but in big heels...also much bigger than me, made me feel small and a little uncomfortable. Not a fan of looking slightly up to anyone.
Talking to her when older lesbian approaches to ask if I'm gay. I say no, she says oh, with a disappointed look. Turns out not to be because of her interest, but because her friend grabbed my ass. Her friend is straight. So I guess she wanted her one time experience or something. Won't be with me.
Lesbian proceeds to tell me and tall chick that we should be together and that we shouldn't be at martha's if we're not looking for ass from a woman. Excuse me? ugh. I know it's a meat market...but that's why I enjoy...I'm not PART of that meat market. Bah.
Sidewalk sale outside after closing involved lots of rain, with me in a pale yellow tank and newly straightened hair, dammit. Fanagled Corey into making out with hot guy who wanted to take his picture in the rain in the street. It was great, but Corey didn't think he was hot.
Hot army guy was def sending signs of hitting on Corey, but when prodded said he wasn't gay. So confusing.
Soaked through and through we left, tired and cold and ready to curl up in bed.
6.07.2004
So the Sigma Chi brothers have made it into the hazing hall of fame:
However, the decision to evict the Sigma Chi brothers from their house took into account events on the evening of March 18, when two pledges were transported to the hospital, and April 22, when students were videotaped and photographed performing in sexually charged skits and engaging in other behaviors the Greek Life Office deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable."
Good job, guys. :)
However, the decision to evict the Sigma Chi brothers from their house took into account events on the evening of March 18, when two pledges were transported to the hospital, and April 22, when students were videotaped and photographed performing in sexually charged skits and engaging in other behaviors the Greek Life Office deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable."
Good job, guys. :)
6.05.2004
Attn: St. Louis People
I'm jumpin' in my new car in a few to head up there. I'll be around until Monday afternoon. If I haven't already made plans with you, give me a call (on the new cell) and we'll work something out. Can't wait to see everyone!
6.01.2004
Amazing Weekend! I'm beautifully sunkissed from spending the day outside while a couple really great people tried to fix my car, and from driving around all day in a Porsche Boxter with the top down. I made a wonderful new friend, and somehow wound up with a fabulous new car. Woo hoo! And once again everything works out for me...even when I thought it was hopeless. Learning to have more faith. :)
5.29.2004
In regards to my post about someone taking the keys, a friend told me he thought the women's lib movement was all about letting the women drive. My response:
Women don't always want to be driven, we just want someone who's willing to step up to the plate and put the effort into the relationship...someone has to believe a relationship can work and have faith and work to make it happen. If one person is scared or tired or whatever it is that's holding them back, they are less likely to fight to make something happen. If there is another person who believes, who can instill a bit of hope and faith, who can make a little bit of effort to show the other how to do it all again, and that it's worth doing...it can work. Driving is being the person who makes the effort. Being the person who believes it can work.
I'm all about women's lib. I can go out and get any man I want. I have no problem asking a guy out or making the first move or whatever...but when it comes to actually starting a real relationship, I'm too fucking tired to deal with it. I'm not cynical, but I'm certainly not super optimistic, either. I've put way too much effort into it the last few times and not gotten anything back. The next time I actually get into a relationship, someone else is gonna have to do some major reparation. That sucks, I know, and it's not fair. But life's not fair. I've been in relationships since the last big heartbreak, but they were all me not being really involved and just going with the flow until I got bored with it. The guys thought they got through just because I seemed happy, and I got bored with them because we hadn't actually made a real connection. Nobody went past everything I put out for them to see. When someone gets past that...when i WANT someone to get past that, and when he makes an effort, maybe something real and better can happen. That's definitely going to require a guy who knows how to drive, and one who doesn't mind taking the scenic backroads, because it's gonna take one hell of a long time. Most men aren't up for that. I don't blame em...I'm not about to take that initiative with anyone. That's what driving is about. Not about the man taking control, or the woman being incapable...just about me being too damn tired to deal with it all. :)
Women don't always want to be driven, we just want someone who's willing to step up to the plate and put the effort into the relationship...someone has to believe a relationship can work and have faith and work to make it happen. If one person is scared or tired or whatever it is that's holding them back, they are less likely to fight to make something happen. If there is another person who believes, who can instill a bit of hope and faith, who can make a little bit of effort to show the other how to do it all again, and that it's worth doing...it can work. Driving is being the person who makes the effort. Being the person who believes it can work.
I'm all about women's lib. I can go out and get any man I want. I have no problem asking a guy out or making the first move or whatever...but when it comes to actually starting a real relationship, I'm too fucking tired to deal with it. I'm not cynical, but I'm certainly not super optimistic, either. I've put way too much effort into it the last few times and not gotten anything back. The next time I actually get into a relationship, someone else is gonna have to do some major reparation. That sucks, I know, and it's not fair. But life's not fair. I've been in relationships since the last big heartbreak, but they were all me not being really involved and just going with the flow until I got bored with it. The guys thought they got through just because I seemed happy, and I got bored with them because we hadn't actually made a real connection. Nobody went past everything I put out for them to see. When someone gets past that...when i WANT someone to get past that, and when he makes an effort, maybe something real and better can happen. That's definitely going to require a guy who knows how to drive, and one who doesn't mind taking the scenic backroads, because it's gonna take one hell of a long time. Most men aren't up for that. I don't blame em...I'm not about to take that initiative with anyone. That's what driving is about. Not about the man taking control, or the woman being incapable...just about me being too damn tired to deal with it all. :)
5.27.2004
5.25.2004
A glimpse into my life
Provided thoughtfully by author and psychic Leslie Schnur.
'She leaned against him, her shoulder against his arm. He turned to her, and he took her hand in his.
A few minutes later, he broke the silence.
"I haven't done this in a very long time." I can't tell her the truth, is what he was thinking.
"Me neither," she said. And I don't know if I can go through this again.
"I'm not sure I can." Besides, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.
"Me neither," she said again, wanting to smack herself. Though it was true.
"Maybe we should forget it." God, I want to kiss you, to...
"You're dropping me before we've even gotten started?" She made him laugh. Her stomach hurt. She pulled her hand from his.
"Somebody, in every new relationship, has to drive the train, to run the machine," he said. The last time, look what happened.
"Well, I don't drive. I'm a city girl," she said. Please don't do this.
He laughed. "Someone has to pursue the other. Or else you can't get to the next stop." Fight with me!
"Well, I'm not going to do it." Fuck him.
"Me neither." Screw you!
"So this will be the first love affair with no people," she said, looking down at her feet.
"A lot simpler than if it were populated." He turned to look at her. She's only here because thinks I'm someone else.
"It could last years." Kiss me, please.
"Or it'll go nowhere. It's not as if a new relationship can propel itself. It can simply putter out and stall on the side of the road," he said, now sounding anxious. "One could get hurt."
She challenged him. "Well, why aren't you brave? It's not important enough to you?" Fuck you!
"Me? Why not you? Who said that the man has to do it? What are you, a sexist pig?" Don't you see? I'm not who you really want.
"Yeah. SO I'd like to be pursued. So shoot me." Kiss me!
"I don't have to shoot you. Shoot yourself. I'm sick of having to be the one to drive the car! You know what it's like to drive the Expressway? Awful! That's what it's like. Trucks, old ladies with blue hair who can't see over the wheel, terrible drivers--"
"Drivers with a sense of entitlement . Feel they can cut you off, run you over simply because they're driving a Jag or a Hummer." she said.
"Hummers should be illegal. What, eight, nine miles to the gallon?"
"I totally agree!" She smiled. He's wonderful. She slipped her hand back into his.
"It's really a shame," to put it mildly, he said, squeezing her hand. "And all because we're wimps." And because you want me to be someone I'm not.
"Just fearful." Why is this so hard?
"I know." Show me it's me you really like and not a guy you're imagining.
"Well, this was fun." Yeah, right. She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms around her waist.
"I just need some time. I know that sounds...but can I call you?" When I get the balls?
"Why?" Oh God, yes.
"If I learn to drive?" To show you who I really am?
"God, yes. The minute one of us is willing or able to drive, we have to promise to call the other." I won't do it.
"I promise." And you'll be disappointed.
"Me, too." Please.
And they stood there for a few more minutes, in silence, leaning against each other, before heading back uptown.'
*sigh* Doesn't anyone wanna take the keys?
'She leaned against him, her shoulder against his arm. He turned to her, and he took her hand in his.
A few minutes later, he broke the silence.
"I haven't done this in a very long time." I can't tell her the truth, is what he was thinking.
"Me neither," she said. And I don't know if I can go through this again.
"I'm not sure I can." Besides, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.
"Me neither," she said again, wanting to smack herself. Though it was true.
"Maybe we should forget it." God, I want to kiss you, to...
"You're dropping me before we've even gotten started?" She made him laugh. Her stomach hurt. She pulled her hand from his.
"Somebody, in every new relationship, has to drive the train, to run the machine," he said. The last time, look what happened.
"Well, I don't drive. I'm a city girl," she said. Please don't do this.
He laughed. "Someone has to pursue the other. Or else you can't get to the next stop." Fight with me!
"Well, I'm not going to do it." Fuck him.
"Me neither." Screw you!
"So this will be the first love affair with no people," she said, looking down at her feet.
"A lot simpler than if it were populated." He turned to look at her. She's only here because thinks I'm someone else.
"It could last years." Kiss me, please.
"Or it'll go nowhere. It's not as if a new relationship can propel itself. It can simply putter out and stall on the side of the road," he said, now sounding anxious. "One could get hurt."
She challenged him. "Well, why aren't you brave? It's not important enough to you?" Fuck you!
"Me? Why not you? Who said that the man has to do it? What are you, a sexist pig?" Don't you see? I'm not who you really want.
"Yeah. SO I'd like to be pursued. So shoot me." Kiss me!
"I don't have to shoot you. Shoot yourself. I'm sick of having to be the one to drive the car! You know what it's like to drive the Expressway? Awful! That's what it's like. Trucks, old ladies with blue hair who can't see over the wheel, terrible drivers--"
"Drivers with a sense of entitlement . Feel they can cut you off, run you over simply because they're driving a Jag or a Hummer." she said.
"Hummers should be illegal. What, eight, nine miles to the gallon?"
"I totally agree!" She smiled. He's wonderful. She slipped her hand back into his.
"It's really a shame," to put it mildly, he said, squeezing her hand. "And all because we're wimps." And because you want me to be someone I'm not.
"Just fearful." Why is this so hard?
"I know." Show me it's me you really like and not a guy you're imagining.
"Well, this was fun." Yeah, right. She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms around her waist.
"I just need some time. I know that sounds...but can I call you?" When I get the balls?
"Why?" Oh God, yes.
"If I learn to drive?" To show you who I really am?
"God, yes. The minute one of us is willing or able to drive, we have to promise to call the other." I won't do it.
"I promise." And you'll be disappointed.
"Me, too." Please.
And they stood there for a few more minutes, in silence, leaning against each other, before heading back uptown.'
*sigh* Doesn't anyone wanna take the keys?
Van Halen has a new single!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock on!
"It's About Time"
hell yeah, it is
NOBODY out there now has this kind of energy. SOOOOO glad there's something new :)
Rock on!
"It's About Time"
hell yeah, it is
NOBODY out there now has this kind of energy. SOOOOO glad there's something new :)
5.23.2004
I have come to the absolute conclusion that I cannot be romantically involved with someone who cannot speak English correctly. ESPECIALLY if English was their first language. Seriously. I don't expect perfection all the time, I make constant mistakes...but subject/verb agreement is important, I think. Is I wrong? :) It just makes me cringe.
So maybe I'm a bitch, but I'm a bitch who respects the language a little too much to see it completely butchered.
So maybe I'm a bitch, but I'm a bitch who respects the language a little too much to see it completely butchered.
5.19.2004
5.16.2004
ATTENTION ALL SPRINGFIELD FOLK!!!
I am running a summer reading group at Barnes and Noble. It will be the fourth Monday of every month this summer at 7pm. Monday, May 24th, we're reading Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods. Monday, June 28th, we'll be reading Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes. Yes, I know, not the most intellectual of all choices, but the success of the group is determined by how many people it brings into the store, not by the quality of the discussion. And the amount of people it brings into the store determines whether I continue to get paid for talking about books for two hours. So come check it out if you're in the area. You can call Barnes & Noble for more info at 885-0026.
Shit, I just realized I printed June 21st on my flyers. Ugh.
Shit, I just realized I printed June 21st on my flyers. Ugh.
More from today's reading...
The criteria by which a new minority religion is determined to be dangerous and/or a cult:
1. The organization is willing to place itself above the law.
2. The leadership dictates (rather than suggests) important personal (as opposed to spiritual)details of followers' lives, such as whom to marry, what to study in college, etc.
3. The leader sets forth ethical guidelines members must follow but from which the leader is exempt.
4. The group is preparing to fight a literal, physical Armageddon against other human beings.
5. The leader regularly makes public assertions that he or she knows are false and/or the group has a policy of routinely deceiving outsiders.
from Odd Gods, by James Lewis
1. The organization is willing to place itself above the law.
2. The leadership dictates (rather than suggests) important personal (as opposed to spiritual)details of followers' lives, such as whom to marry, what to study in college, etc.
3. The leader sets forth ethical guidelines members must follow but from which the leader is exempt.
4. The group is preparing to fight a literal, physical Armageddon against other human beings.
5. The leader regularly makes public assertions that he or she knows are false and/or the group has a policy of routinely deceiving outsiders.
from Odd Gods, by James Lewis
On Penis Size
by Michael Thomas Ford
Take the issue of big dicks. I confess that I have something of a fondness for them, and for some time I fantasized about finding a man who had one that would defy description. Well, you should always be careful what you wish for. My fantasy materialized one night in the form of a very tall, very large, very handsome German man. When he undid his jeans and I saw what lay beneath, I had to be revived by a splash of cold water to the face.
But alas, Gunther had one small problem. Or rather, one very large problem. For while his dick was indeed of Teutonic proportions, getting it filled to capacity with the blood necessary to make it hard meant that other areas of his body had to do without. Unfortunately the result of an erection was that his brain was unable to function fully, making sex with him about as exciting as the Doctor Who reruns he insisted on watching during lovemaking.
And when he was erect, there was this tiny matter of what to do with something so large. While it was kind of fun to play with him, it was a little like swinging a Wiffle bat around. Getting my mouth around the whole thing would have required installing hinges, and just the thought of him trying to put it anywhere else made me feel faint. While I tried valiantly to make the most of his natural gifts, in the end I had to abandon Gunther to someone with more relaxed throat muscles and no fear of a future marred by the inconvenience of incontinence.
Take the issue of big dicks. I confess that I have something of a fondness for them, and for some time I fantasized about finding a man who had one that would defy description. Well, you should always be careful what you wish for. My fantasy materialized one night in the form of a very tall, very large, very handsome German man. When he undid his jeans and I saw what lay beneath, I had to be revived by a splash of cold water to the face.
But alas, Gunther had one small problem. Or rather, one very large problem. For while his dick was indeed of Teutonic proportions, getting it filled to capacity with the blood necessary to make it hard meant that other areas of his body had to do without. Unfortunately the result of an erection was that his brain was unable to function fully, making sex with him about as exciting as the Doctor Who reruns he insisted on watching during lovemaking.
And when he was erect, there was this tiny matter of what to do with something so large. While it was kind of fun to play with him, it was a little like swinging a Wiffle bat around. Getting my mouth around the whole thing would have required installing hinges, and just the thought of him trying to put it anywhere else made me feel faint. While I tried valiantly to make the most of his natural gifts, in the end I had to abandon Gunther to someone with more relaxed throat muscles and no fear of a future marred by the inconvenience of incontinence.
Watching The Bad Seed. If you don't know it, it's that really old movie where there's this perfect little girl who is actually sociopathic. It came out before anyone actually knew that sociopathic was something you could have without it being a product of the environment. Really creepy perfectly nice little blond chick (so sure Village of the Damned was based on the creepy whitish blond hair) is total psycho with no remorse or regret. Creepy as hell movie. Soooooo good.
I finally managed to get some rest, but now I'm dying to go out and have some fun. Blah. Too bad anywhere worth going is at least 4 bucks worth of gas away. Can't really justify driving into town when prices are this high. Ozark needs a coffee shop. A good one. What's the point of having a day of rest if you can't rest because you're so used to always going and going?
5.09.2004
There's a point in your life when you realize that you can no longer do the things you did in college. I once thought that was because you were old enough that your body couldn't handle it anymore. While that is the case later on, perhaps, it is not always. Sometimes it's just because you realize how friggin stupid you were in college.
Bah.
Never again.
Bah.
Never again.
5.07.2004
Is it normal to get a little bit jealous when someone moves in on your territory, even when that territory is difficult to define? We went to Mud Lounge tonight and met this random chick. Corey thought he knew her, and it turns out they made out years ago at some big party where everyone was really drunk. Okay, so the Grace moment lasted just a bit...not because I wanna make out with him, but because that's something we haven't shared as friends. That's great and all, but when it has happened with a random person, it makes it feel a little weird. Then to add to that, she's totally friggin cool, but also totally dominant in a conversation. Like me, she must be the center of attention. Two of us just don't work well in the same group. And then there's the whole, she's graduating college and actually doing the go off to Germany thing. And she speaks better German than I do. And she's tall, but not as tall as I am. Seriously...she's like me, but a seemingly better version. It definitely makes me jealous and a little insecure. Ugh. Not a good feeling. Especially when I actually like her. Bah. So much for being all excited that I went out in friggin Springfield and met random people and hung out and made friends. Someone tell me to get over myself. Seriously.
5.06.2004
5.03.2004
So there's this cute bartender at the Mud Lounge, where Corey and I go all the time. We lightly flirted, or he was just nice to me I guess, the first time I saw him when I asked him to make me a Mojito and he thought he could, but then it sucked and he didn't want to sell it to me. I asked one of the servers if that guy had a ring on his finger, and she told me he was straight, available, and shy. She definitely told him and he kind of avoided looking at me most of the night. We kept this little slight weirdness thing up for awhile. I basically decided I needed to let it go for a couple of reasons. 1. If he did go for me, I'd just break his heart anyway (given that he's too damn nice for me) and then we could never go back to mud lounge. and 2. Corey pointed out that I could be coming off somewhat stalkerish. So I let it go and that was that. But he's still cute.
Well last night we went to Spfld Brewing Co and in walks the bartender with a couple of friends. We have a good laugh over it, I decide I'm going to ignore him, and that's that. Well, then this chick Corey knows b/c she used to work at BN comes over and SHE knows him. Not only is he a super sweet guy, but he's moving soon. That takes care of the heartbreak/not being able to go to mud lounge issue. Then she tells me he's moving to San Francisco. Corey and I just look at each other b/c I'm soooo destined to hit on this one. I still play it kinda cool until later on when she tells me he's moving there to get his grad degree in...dun dun dun...photography. Well, I'm fucked. I had no control. I went over to him, talked to him about San Fran, and handed him my number. He's soooo cute in a cute little shy boy way. And he's moving soon. Dude, he needs a fling, and I am soooo the best fling provider in the world. Seriously. My only problem is that he probably does thing I'm a stalker. That or he thinks I'm with Corey and I'm just bitchy enough to hit on him while my bf's nearby. Well, now he has my number, and I'll never be able to face him again at Mud lounge. That's life. :)
Well last night we went to Spfld Brewing Co and in walks the bartender with a couple of friends. We have a good laugh over it, I decide I'm going to ignore him, and that's that. Well, then this chick Corey knows b/c she used to work at BN comes over and SHE knows him. Not only is he a super sweet guy, but he's moving soon. That takes care of the heartbreak/not being able to go to mud lounge issue. Then she tells me he's moving to San Francisco. Corey and I just look at each other b/c I'm soooo destined to hit on this one. I still play it kinda cool until later on when she tells me he's moving there to get his grad degree in...dun dun dun...photography. Well, I'm fucked. I had no control. I went over to him, talked to him about San Fran, and handed him my number. He's soooo cute in a cute little shy boy way. And he's moving soon. Dude, he needs a fling, and I am soooo the best fling provider in the world. Seriously. My only problem is that he probably does thing I'm a stalker. That or he thinks I'm with Corey and I'm just bitchy enough to hit on him while my bf's nearby. Well, now he has my number, and I'll never be able to face him again at Mud lounge. That's life. :)
4.21.2004
My client, D., and I were recycling out in the beautiful weather today when a ruggedly handsome stranger asks me if I need help with my flat. Shocked, I look down to notice that my car is sitting on the ground rather than on the nice tube of air it was when I arrived. I professed my bafflement and told him I would LOVE his help, but I didn't have a jack. The wonderful handsome stranger went all around the recycling lot looking for someone with a jack that would work. What a man. He then managed to get the car off the ground and remove all but one of the lug nuts. The last lug nut defeated him and another gentleman as they tried to loosen it and only succeeded in rotating the tire (and moving the car backward). Finally, in a final lone attempt, Mr. Handsome broke the nut and finished putting on my spare. Ahhh, how I wish that was an analogy for something more fun. So I ask the men if I can buy them a case of beer or something. They both protest, the cute one more than the other older man. At that point I thank them both profusely and the hot guy tells me he couldn't have done otherwise, it's in his blood to help, and he's just glad he was there. I tell him he totally saved my day, make him feel all heroic, and think to myself, "hell yeah, I'm glad you're here...and not just to change my flat." The man who is now getting better looking by the second (did I actually blush when those blue eyes peered into mine?) is wearing white gloves.
After he leaves I think, Damn, I should have asked him if I could take him out for a drink since he wouldn't let me buy him a case of beer. Or coffee :)
Or even said something like, "nice gloves...is there a ring under there?"
I'm a moron.
Maybe he's a regular like D. and I :) perhaps I will see him again.
at least my tire is fixed :)
After he leaves I think, Damn, I should have asked him if I could take him out for a drink since he wouldn't let me buy him a case of beer. Or coffee :)
Or even said something like, "nice gloves...is there a ring under there?"
I'm a moron.
Maybe he's a regular like D. and I :) perhaps I will see him again.
at least my tire is fixed :)
4.16.2004
4.15.2004
How do you make it better when you've broken the trust of someone you love? Even if they forgive you, do you actually forgive yourself? Or do you constantly want to say, no no, don't tell me that...no no, don't put your trust in me, I don't deserve it. But what is any kind of love, any kind of friendship without trust?
And what if that trust was broken because you trusted someone else? What if you feel betrayed by someone who did the exact same thing you just did. How do you deal with it? Well, your anger at them simply becomes even more anger at yourself. And how do you combat that? You need forgiveness from somewhere...but even the person who fucked over is kind enough to do so, that's not really enough, now is it? Because you're still blaming yourself for the transgressions of those other people and only you can forgive that. So what the fuck? why trust?
Someone show me trust that hasn't been broken. Someone show me it's worth it. Or show me a way to love without it. Bah.
And what if that trust was broken because you trusted someone else? What if you feel betrayed by someone who did the exact same thing you just did. How do you deal with it? Well, your anger at them simply becomes even more anger at yourself. And how do you combat that? You need forgiveness from somewhere...but even the person who fucked over is kind enough to do so, that's not really enough, now is it? Because you're still blaming yourself for the transgressions of those other people and only you can forgive that. So what the fuck? why trust?
Someone show me trust that hasn't been broken. Someone show me it's worth it. Or show me a way to love without it. Bah.
4.01.2004
oh my, it's been way too long since I've really written anything. Hate this part of documenting stuff on here. Yesterday I got into a sorta mini car accident. I no longer have a mirror. I'm sore as hell, but other than that, all is okay. For once it actually wasn't my fualt, either. That's kinda rare :) anyway, i'm off to bed...too much to do tomorrow.
3.26.2004
3.24.2004
A New York Times article I never would have read had a friend of mine not been quoted in it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/25/technology/circuits/25mess.html
Yay John :)
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/25/technology/circuits/25mess.html
Yay John :)
3.23.2004
Oh my, it's been a long week. Last weekend was in St. Louis to pick up Corey's cousin Ava, hang out with his friend Marla and her baby and husband, hang out with my friend Rob, and tour the city. Spent the week with Corey, Chuck, and Ava doing all kinds of fun crazy things. Kissed a girl. Twice. Kissed a gay guy. Twice. Got groped by a bunch of gay guys in a gay bar. Got drinks bought for me by straight men in a gay bar. Ate brie that tasted like a Liz Phair song (see the new album). Note to self: Never eat brie again. Ever. Wore a dress with a slit up to my hip when I sat down. Spent this weekend in St. Louis with the Mandys and other Wash U folk, as well as Corey and Chuck. Did Relay (woo hoo!). Froze ass off. Saw Marla and baby again, along with other random baby. Drank a lot, ate a lot, drove a lot, slept wayyyy too little. Saw Ellen and Maddi and fam. Much fun. Decided certain family members of mine are very uncool. Sat across from best friend while being told she'd marry the guy she's with. Realized we are adults and are moving on. Tear. Asked random grocery store yamaka guy how pounds of matzos I should bring home. Ate German liquer-filled chocolates at Tivoli while watching Robert McNamara plead his side of Vietnam. Ate St. Louis Bread Co, NOT Panera, twice in one day. Said goodbye to good friend headed off to Kuwait to fight the good fight. Worked a totally different shift and job today. Saw pothead former friend/neighbor/bane of my existence who bragged about impregnating first child's preschool teacher. Now it's 9pm and I'm ready for bed. Bah.
3.18.2004
3.15.2004
3.11.2004
Our summercamp song...written by 12 yr old moi:
The world is a very large place
but small to the closed of mind
and those who think they know everything
are alone as you will find
chorus:
and I may be desperate and I may be young
but I really need my freedom and I know,
it just won't come.
my youth is no excuse
they say it all the time
I'm trapped in a child's body
with a grown-ups mind
chorus
and if I stand alone
i won't cave in to fear
I'll strengthen first myself
then grow above my years
guitar solo
we are all born equal no matter what they say
my life is what I make of it so if I start today
maybe my children will be able to say
thanks mom and dad for what you did yesterday
and I may be desperate and I may be young
but I really need my freedom and who knows?
it just might come.
yesterday, had you asked me if I had ever written a song I would have said no. having found that little juvenile thing, though, I KNOW the tune and words without having to read it. funny, huh?
The world is a very large place
but small to the closed of mind
and those who think they know everything
are alone as you will find
chorus:
and I may be desperate and I may be young
but I really need my freedom and I know,
it just won't come.
my youth is no excuse
they say it all the time
I'm trapped in a child's body
with a grown-ups mind
chorus
and if I stand alone
i won't cave in to fear
I'll strengthen first myself
then grow above my years
guitar solo
we are all born equal no matter what they say
my life is what I make of it so if I start today
maybe my children will be able to say
thanks mom and dad for what you did yesterday
and I may be desperate and I may be young
but I really need my freedom and who knows?
it just might come.
yesterday, had you asked me if I had ever written a song I would have said no. having found that little juvenile thing, though, I KNOW the tune and words without having to read it. funny, huh?
So I went threough a bunch of old journal type things I wrote in junior high and found some pretty funny stuff. Thought I'd share some things here for all to enjoy. :)
Don't kill yourself laughing at me :) I was a pompous, naive, bad writer of a twelve year old.
My first vignette:
I was walking outside with my dogs when I heard my neighbor's voice calling hers. The black dog that is too fat for his size had gotten out of the fenced in yard when his owner tried to get her children into the car. My neighbor, a woman at least 200 pounds overweight, screamed at her malnourished children to catch the dog because she was too busy sitting in the car to get him herself. When the skinny little girls and boys finally caught the dog, she yelled at them for pulling on his collar. What a bitch.
After they left, I noticed that their back gate was standing wide open.
Don't kill yourself laughing at me :) I was a pompous, naive, bad writer of a twelve year old.
My first vignette:
I was walking outside with my dogs when I heard my neighbor's voice calling hers. The black dog that is too fat for his size had gotten out of the fenced in yard when his owner tried to get her children into the car. My neighbor, a woman at least 200 pounds overweight, screamed at her malnourished children to catch the dog because she was too busy sitting in the car to get him herself. When the skinny little girls and boys finally caught the dog, she yelled at them for pulling on his collar. What a bitch.
After they left, I noticed that their back gate was standing wide open.
3.08.2004
a few quotes from Wicked, by Gregory Maguire:
"I certainly will not touch you," he said, managing to say many things at once.
"Oh yes, don't you know that distinction? Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are two kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girls experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boys need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy and initiative of fury. It's a requirement of hunting, of defense, of pride. Maybe of sex, too.
And girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever, ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on--or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires an eternal vigilance in all matters of slight and offense."
"I certainly will not touch you," he said, managing to say many things at once.
"Oh yes, don't you know that distinction? Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are two kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girls experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boys need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy and initiative of fury. It's a requirement of hunting, of defense, of pride. Maybe of sex, too.
And girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever, ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on--or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires an eternal vigilance in all matters of slight and offense."
3.07.2004
Further commentary on the last post will follow at a time when I am feeling more eloquent in my expressions...or when I just get so pissed off I can't refrain.
For now...
I just finished watching Michael Moore's The Big One. I didn't think I'd like him at all...he always comes across as so liberal he can't think straight, and i just didn't think I'd enjoy watching him. You know what? I was wrong. I'm not a Moore follower by any means, but he's got some good points. My favorite point in his movie, however, was simply the one where he did a book signing at Library Ltd in St. Louis. Woo Hoo! That's my old bookstore. Obviously, I was still in high school when he made the film, so I wasn't working there yet, but still, it was cool to see it on film. Yay for great bookstores!
For now...
I just finished watching Michael Moore's The Big One. I didn't think I'd like him at all...he always comes across as so liberal he can't think straight, and i just didn't think I'd enjoy watching him. You know what? I was wrong. I'm not a Moore follower by any means, but he's got some good points. My favorite point in his movie, however, was simply the one where he did a book signing at Library Ltd in St. Louis. Woo Hoo! That's my old bookstore. Obviously, I was still in high school when he made the film, so I wasn't working there yet, but still, it was cool to see it on film. Yay for great bookstores!
3.01.2004
Words of wisdom:
A friend of mine was talking to a much wiser Christian woman about the guys she liked. She thought some of the men were beyond her in spiritual purity, and mentioned how she was often attracted to the "sarcastic piles of crap" kind of men.
The woman replied, "Well they're all piles of crap, some of them just know the Lord."
Yet another reason that every young woman should befriend an older wiser woman. :)
A friend of mine was talking to a much wiser Christian woman about the guys she liked. She thought some of the men were beyond her in spiritual purity, and mentioned how she was often attracted to the "sarcastic piles of crap" kind of men.
The woman replied, "Well they're all piles of crap, some of them just know the Lord."
Yet another reason that every young woman should befriend an older wiser woman. :)
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