"The thing that bugs me," said Brian, "is that you never really know what women are like...not for a long time, anyway. They only show you what they want you to see."
Michael nodded. "So you fantasize over all the wrong things."
"Yeah."
"Christ! That happens to me all the time," said michael. "I meet some person...male-type...at a bar or the baths, and he seems really...what I want. A nice mustache, Levi's, a starched khaki army shirt...strong...Somebody you could take back [home] and they'd never know the difference.
"Then you go home with him to his house on Upper Market, and you try like hell not to go to the bathroom, because the bathroom is the giveaway, the fantasy-killer...."
Brian looked confused.
"It's the bathroom cabinet," Michael explained. "Face creams and shampoos for days. And on the top of the toilet tank they've all always got one of those goddamn little gold pedestals full of colored soap balls!"
~Tales of the City
9.06.2005
Cynicism
Not my own, but that of a character. Perhaps it's true in the latest of my relationships, though.
"Nobody's happy. What's happy? Happiness is over when the lights come on."
~Tales of the City
My School in the News
Why I'm glad I studied neuroscience at Wash U even though I'm not using it now:
David Van Essen, Ph.D., the Edison Professor of Neurobiology and head of
the Department of Anatomy and Neurobiology, has been elected president of
the Society for Neuroscience, the world's largest organization for
scientists who study the brain.
David Van Essen, Ph.D., the Edison Professor of Neurobiology and head of
the Department of Anatomy and Neurobiology, has been elected president of
the Society for Neuroscience, the world's largest organization for
scientists who study the brain.
Faith Among the Faithless
"Take delight in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart."
~Psalm 37:4
This verse has served as my support for the past few years. It got me through the devastation of falling flat on my face out here, it got me through the worst heartbreak I have ever known, and it got me through the catastrophe of Happy Camper. It also got me here.
Back home in Missouri you constantly interact with people who pepper their sentences with phrases like "God willing", "It's in God's hands", and "But for the grace of God". Back home, I felt like some kind of delinquent because I wasn't nearly religious enough or faithful enough or good enough to be among these people who were constantly in the presence of God. I would get frustrated by those who would remind me that something was in God's hands because I felt that He granted us free will and thus something became my responsibility. I got frustrated because I felt like they didn't approve or I wasn't good enough because I didn't go to church and wasn't part of their community of fundamentalists. I talked to God on my own, I had a strong faith, and that was all I needed. I so looked forward to the aspect of living in San Francisco that allowed me to be who I am without persistent meddling of evangelicals into my religious habits or spiritual thoughts.
I have now been in this incredible city for three months. Things are going well...I'm having fun, I enjoy life, I'm content. Something is missing, though. I think I just realized what it is. I'm not really happy. Happy enough, but not REALLY happy.
I've been telling myself it's my weight, it's my habits, it's the dating thing...any thing I can come up with that's actually under my power to change.
Walking home from the bus it occurred to me that I've yet to thank God for this beautiful city. I've yet to talk to God truly since I've been here. I've yet to bring Him along with me into this new life I've started.
Back home I constantly kept faith in Him that He would lead me in the right direction if I kept my heart focused on Him. I've spent my life trying to show Love and be a good person, and I felt like I just wanted a little break. So now I'm here, having achieved everything I want. Now I've got it all, right?
I'm constantly in conversations with people who tell me how cool it is that I made it here, how lucky I've gotten, how all of these great little coincidences have worked together to put me in this amazing situation. People are always telling me how lucky I am. Others who know me better and know how much I struggled with my previous failure out here tell me they're proud of me and how I made it back. They say I should be proud of myself...I've done so much to get here.
While I don't discount my part in getting here, nor do I believe that it's impossible that the stars aligned to get me this amazing situation, I do realize that I'm contradicting myself in a majorly uncool way. I prayed and prayed for God to help. I was so faithful when I was struggling, when I believed I needed Him. Now that I'm here I've yet to give credence to the idea that He may very well have just answered my prayers. How shitty of me.
In a city where everyone seems so faithless, or so faithful in transient fads, it's difficult to hold strong to one's own traditional faith. Here, I have freedom from reminders that I'm lacking in my spirituality. I have the freedom to practice how I choose without being looked down upon. In fact, I think I just may be the most religious person out of anyone I know here. Maybe, just maybe, I need that kick in the heart every once in a while.
So here's to faith. Here's to me realizing what a jerk I've been. And here's to me knowing what I have to change to find that true happiness I want in my new life in San Francisco.
I am infinitely grateful.
~Psalm 37:4
This verse has served as my support for the past few years. It got me through the devastation of falling flat on my face out here, it got me through the worst heartbreak I have ever known, and it got me through the catastrophe of Happy Camper. It also got me here.
Back home in Missouri you constantly interact with people who pepper their sentences with phrases like "God willing", "It's in God's hands", and "But for the grace of God". Back home, I felt like some kind of delinquent because I wasn't nearly religious enough or faithful enough or good enough to be among these people who were constantly in the presence of God. I would get frustrated by those who would remind me that something was in God's hands because I felt that He granted us free will and thus something became my responsibility. I got frustrated because I felt like they didn't approve or I wasn't good enough because I didn't go to church and wasn't part of their community of fundamentalists. I talked to God on my own, I had a strong faith, and that was all I needed. I so looked forward to the aspect of living in San Francisco that allowed me to be who I am without persistent meddling of evangelicals into my religious habits or spiritual thoughts.
I have now been in this incredible city for three months. Things are going well...I'm having fun, I enjoy life, I'm content. Something is missing, though. I think I just realized what it is. I'm not really happy. Happy enough, but not REALLY happy.
I've been telling myself it's my weight, it's my habits, it's the dating thing...any thing I can come up with that's actually under my power to change.
Walking home from the bus it occurred to me that I've yet to thank God for this beautiful city. I've yet to talk to God truly since I've been here. I've yet to bring Him along with me into this new life I've started.
Back home I constantly kept faith in Him that He would lead me in the right direction if I kept my heart focused on Him. I've spent my life trying to show Love and be a good person, and I felt like I just wanted a little break. So now I'm here, having achieved everything I want. Now I've got it all, right?
I'm constantly in conversations with people who tell me how cool it is that I made it here, how lucky I've gotten, how all of these great little coincidences have worked together to put me in this amazing situation. People are always telling me how lucky I am. Others who know me better and know how much I struggled with my previous failure out here tell me they're proud of me and how I made it back. They say I should be proud of myself...I've done so much to get here.
While I don't discount my part in getting here, nor do I believe that it's impossible that the stars aligned to get me this amazing situation, I do realize that I'm contradicting myself in a majorly uncool way. I prayed and prayed for God to help. I was so faithful when I was struggling, when I believed I needed Him. Now that I'm here I've yet to give credence to the idea that He may very well have just answered my prayers. How shitty of me.
In a city where everyone seems so faithless, or so faithful in transient fads, it's difficult to hold strong to one's own traditional faith. Here, I have freedom from reminders that I'm lacking in my spirituality. I have the freedom to practice how I choose without being looked down upon. In fact, I think I just may be the most religious person out of anyone I know here. Maybe, just maybe, I need that kick in the heart every once in a while.
So here's to faith. Here's to me realizing what a jerk I've been. And here's to me knowing what I have to change to find that true happiness I want in my new life in San Francisco.
I am infinitely grateful.
9.02.2005
How to Fill a Niche
On O'Farrell Street downtown there is a business that makes one wonder how many people have to have this common combination of interests to keep the business alive. The small store-front boasts of the treasures you'll find inside: a laundromat, ice-cream, and sausage.
Because chocolate ice cream tastes so much better after a big ol' sausage and with the smell of detergent lingering in the background.
Because chocolate ice cream tastes so much better after a big ol' sausage and with the smell of detergent lingering in the background.
8.31.2005
on drinking
In whatever country or culture we find ourselves, having a drink together is a sign of friendship, intimacy, and peace. Being thirsty is often not the main reason to drink. We drink to "break the ice," to enter into a conversation, to show good intention, to express friendship and goodwill, to set the stage for a romantic moment, to be open, vulnerable, accessible. It is no surprise that people who are angry at us, or who come to accuse us or harass us, won't accept a drink from us. They would rather say: 'I will come straight to the point of my being here.' Refusing a drink is avoiding intimacy.
At worst, drinking together is saying, 'We trust each other enough that we don't want to poison each other.' At best, it is saying 'I want to get close to you and celebrate life with you.' It breaks through the boundries that seperate us and invites us to recognize our shared humanity. Thus, drinking together can be a true spiritual event, affirming our unity as children of God.
--Henri J.M. Nouwen
At worst, drinking together is saying, 'We trust each other enough that we don't want to poison each other.' At best, it is saying 'I want to get close to you and celebrate life with you.' It breaks through the boundries that seperate us and invites us to recognize our shared humanity. Thus, drinking together can be a true spiritual event, affirming our unity as children of God.
--Henri J.M. Nouwen
8.25.2005
It's not about the butthole pleasures, not at all
You all should go see The 40 Year Old Virgin. Just do it.
Off on a mini trip to San Luis Obispo! Exploring more of my new home state.
Off on a mini trip to San Luis Obispo! Exploring more of my new home state.
8.24.2005
Relay in Bullet Points
> The second we stepped onto the field in the morning we were soaked through up to our shins. It was cold and wet under the Golden Gate Bridge.
> A survivor sang a gospel song at which everyone on the committee cringed due to the fact that this is a non-religious event in SAN FRANCISCO!
> As we cheered the survivors during their lap, Christie teared up, missing her mother who died of breast cancer. I called my mom immediately.
> During the survivor lap, a woman on a bike actually stopped riding on the trail just to clap for the passing survivors. I wanted to hug this stranger.
> Amazing volunteers helped me accomplish everything I needed. So much so that I had volunteers to spare to the rest of the relay committee.
>As I introduced some of the current legislation to relayers, I met a crazy old gay cowboy and talked to his friend about how people back home are scared of San Francisco because they know everyone out here is right and they're scared of the truth. (Oh how the people back home would laugh.)
> A friend and I were ambushed by a strange man asking where he could hook up with a dying cancer patient who had medical marijuana to spare so he wouldn't have to go back onto opiates. He then proceeded to tell us over the next half hour how plastic bottles are causing cancer.
> I met the woman who rejected an initial resume of mine so long ago because I lived too far away. She told me she was kicking herself now.
> A friend came and we hunted cute boys all evening.
> I learned that, unlike my past Relays, we would be sleeping at this event. I made a makeshift tent in the advocacy booth and prayed it wouldn't get too cold.
> We added glow sticks to the luminarias while entertaining the crazy gay cowboy.
> The cops came before luminaria to ask us when we would be turning down the music.
> One of the speakers bailed, so in a panic we decided I was singing at the ceremony instead.
> After everyone came up to get their glowsticks (the crazy gay cowboy took some sort of morbid pride in how many he took as he counted out the deaths of friends and family), I sang wobbily but proudly.
> The cops came back and issued a citation, stating that they had previously warned us about the noise (even though they had only asked us when it would stop). Rather than issuing it to the event or organization, they chose a person in whose name to put it. Crazy cops.
> We tried to have a conga circle with Joti, the guy who was supposed to be performing then. Nobody knew any of the songs. I knew one, so he pulled me up to dance with him. I sang badly and without knowing the words, but we had fun. Somehow at church camps we always knew a million songs to sing. People out here don't know the same songs we all do back home, though.
> I tried to curl up with my friend to stay warm, but it just didn't work. After dozing slightly and waking cold and wet, I woke up and found a fire. I drank amazing hot chocolate, met a girl from Doniphan (that's back home to you west coast folks), and listened to countless stories of drunken Vegas adventures from the guys with the fire.
> I went back to bed and fell asleep to my friend reading Seneca.
> Upon waking under the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, I warmed up while listening to the Seneca essay I previously had missed, then learned we had raised over $28,000!!!!! in our tiny little Relay For Life.
Thank you so much to everyone who helped! Please let me know if you'd be interested in helping to make this event bigger and better next year!
> A survivor sang a gospel song at which everyone on the committee cringed due to the fact that this is a non-religious event in SAN FRANCISCO!
> As we cheered the survivors during their lap, Christie teared up, missing her mother who died of breast cancer. I called my mom immediately.
> During the survivor lap, a woman on a bike actually stopped riding on the trail just to clap for the passing survivors. I wanted to hug this stranger.
> Amazing volunteers helped me accomplish everything I needed. So much so that I had volunteers to spare to the rest of the relay committee.
>As I introduced some of the current legislation to relayers, I met a crazy old gay cowboy and talked to his friend about how people back home are scared of San Francisco because they know everyone out here is right and they're scared of the truth. (Oh how the people back home would laugh.)
> A friend and I were ambushed by a strange man asking where he could hook up with a dying cancer patient who had medical marijuana to spare so he wouldn't have to go back onto opiates. He then proceeded to tell us over the next half hour how plastic bottles are causing cancer.
> I met the woman who rejected an initial resume of mine so long ago because I lived too far away. She told me she was kicking herself now.
> A friend came and we hunted cute boys all evening.
> I learned that, unlike my past Relays, we would be sleeping at this event. I made a makeshift tent in the advocacy booth and prayed it wouldn't get too cold.
> We added glow sticks to the luminarias while entertaining the crazy gay cowboy.
> The cops came before luminaria to ask us when we would be turning down the music.
> One of the speakers bailed, so in a panic we decided I was singing at the ceremony instead.
> After everyone came up to get their glowsticks (the crazy gay cowboy took some sort of morbid pride in how many he took as he counted out the deaths of friends and family), I sang wobbily but proudly.
> The cops came back and issued a citation, stating that they had previously warned us about the noise (even though they had only asked us when it would stop). Rather than issuing it to the event or organization, they chose a person in whose name to put it. Crazy cops.
> We tried to have a conga circle with Joti, the guy who was supposed to be performing then. Nobody knew any of the songs. I knew one, so he pulled me up to dance with him. I sang badly and without knowing the words, but we had fun. Somehow at church camps we always knew a million songs to sing. People out here don't know the same songs we all do back home, though.
> I tried to curl up with my friend to stay warm, but it just didn't work. After dozing slightly and waking cold and wet, I woke up and found a fire. I drank amazing hot chocolate, met a girl from Doniphan (that's back home to you west coast folks), and listened to countless stories of drunken Vegas adventures from the guys with the fire.
> I went back to bed and fell asleep to my friend reading Seneca.
> Upon waking under the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, I warmed up while listening to the Seneca essay I previously had missed, then learned we had raised over $28,000!!!!! in our tiny little Relay For Life.
Thank you so much to everyone who helped! Please let me know if you'd be interested in helping to make this event bigger and better next year!
8.19.2005
Relay For Life
Come join me at San Francisco's Relay For Life in Crissy Field!
Saturday, August 20th, at 10am through Sunday, August 21st, at 10am
We'll be honoring the memory of those lost to cancer, celebrating survivors, and raising money for a hopeful future. Please join me for this tremendous event.
We have a great line up of bands playing all day/evening, and you can check out all of them for just $5 at the door. OR you can volunteer and get in free. Even if you can't stay long, warm caffeinated beverages and fresh out of the dryer blankets will be appreciated as I will be freezing my ass off all night in the SF summer fog.
Come keep me awake at 3am :)
Call me if you show (and know my number, of course). Otherwise just look for me :)
Saturday, August 20th, at 10am through Sunday, August 21st, at 10am
We'll be honoring the memory of those lost to cancer, celebrating survivors, and raising money for a hopeful future. Please join me for this tremendous event.
We have a great line up of bands playing all day/evening, and you can check out all of them for just $5 at the door. OR you can volunteer and get in free. Even if you can't stay long, warm caffeinated beverages and fresh out of the dryer blankets will be appreciated as I will be freezing my ass off all night in the SF summer fog.
Come keep me awake at 3am :)
Call me if you show (and know my number, of course). Otherwise just look for me :)
8.16.2005
Ex-Lovers
So many of you have commented that my guestbook read like a list of hearts I've broken. Possibly true, but I have now hidden all (well, most) of the exes who left hateful messages or messages that were really just meant to show the rest of the men out there that I was taken, so you can be assured that the current entries are actually just friends or people who think my site is cool or something. You know, there really weren't THAT many exes on there. I think y'all are just too easily intimidated. :)
8.13.2005
8.11.2005
my post in links
www.quirkyalone.net
Your score was 81. Somewhat quirkyalone (otherwise known as quirkytogether):
You are probably part of a mysterious group of people, the quirkytogethers. You share many of our quirky qualities, but you manage to find yourself, on a regular basis, in a coupled situation. Interesting.
www.jewishchickenranchers.com
www.miramax.com/bride
www.murderballthemovie.com
www.quadfather.net
http://landofsoju.netfirms.com/soju.htm
Your score was 81. Somewhat quirkyalone (otherwise known as quirkytogether):
You are probably part of a mysterious group of people, the quirkytogethers. You share many of our quirky qualities, but you manage to find yourself, on a regular basis, in a coupled situation. Interesting.
www.jewishchickenranchers.com
www.miramax.com/bride
www.murderballthemovie.com
www.quadfather.net
http://landofsoju.netfirms.com/soju.htm
8.10.2005
Why Chic Lit is Popular
Because all of us, even those who say we don't, want this:
"Hold on, I have an idea," (my loving boyfriend) said and tiptoed to the kitchen. He came back with two oversie garbage bags and spread them out over my blue comforter. He dug into the greasy bag and brought out two giant burgers with everything and one esxtra-large order of fries. He'd remembered ketchup packets and tons of salt for me, and even the napkins. I clapped I was so excited, (and almost forgot about my horrible first week at work that made me cancel our date tonight.)
"I'm not done yet. Here, check it out." And out of his backpack came a fistful of tiny vanilla tea lights, a bottle of screw-top red wine, and two waxy paper cups.
"You're kidding," I said softly, still not believing that he'd put all this together after I'd cancelled our date.
He handed me a cup of wine and tapped it with his. "No, I'm not. You think I was going to miss hearing about the first week of the rest of your life? To my best girl."
"Thank you," I said, slowly taking a sip. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
8.09.2005
Telecide
If you're reading this, and you haven't called me or emailed me your phone number since I destroyed mine yesterday, please do so. Unless, of course, you don't want me to have your number. :)
After sending out the email stating that I had sent my phone on a disastrous trip down the stairs, I received a number of charming replies. I got a couple sympathetic ones, but most of you are really just mean :) Here are a few of the more entertaining ones (notice how they all say a bit more about the sender than they do about my mishap :))
And my personal fav from someone who knows me all too well:
After sending out the email stating that I had sent my phone on a disastrous trip down the stairs, I received a number of charming replies. I got a couple sympathetic ones, but most of you are really just mean :) Here are a few of the more entertaining ones (notice how they all say a bit more about the sender than they do about my mishap :))
Wacky San Francisco party kids.
why did you do that? bit silly wasn't it?
Why on earth would you have thrown your phone down a stairwell? ...and don't repeat...just for kicks. Whatever possessed you?
That sounds like fun. I want to try throwing mine down a stairwell.
funtimes---once, for kicks, my brother threw his phone in the pool. ;)
That's awesome. I prefer to go swimming with mine.
I love that allen is the only one in the "to" list.
crescendoing, joyful laughing
And my personal fav from someone who knows me all too well:
Are you ALREADY getting ticked off at new guys out there?!?!?!?!
8.08.2005
Springfield on TV
So on the DL show tonight (the weekend version of the Daily Show), they did a call in to good ol' Springfield, MO. Given that southwest Missouri is the meth capital of the world, when DL decided to talk about Meth, he called the police dept in Springfield, MO! I'm so proud of my hometown. Cashew chicken and meth.
8.07.2005
My Period of Loss
In the past three days I have managed to lose my driver's license, my older driver's license that I used as a back-up, a beautiful (and beloved) red cashmere/silk blend hoodie, and any confidence that I will make it home safely all by myself and with dignity intact after a drunken night out with friends in far away parts of the city.
Maybe, if I'm really careful, I get home tomorrow having lost nothing more than a little bit of weight.
Maybe, if I'm really careful, I get home tomorrow having lost nothing more than a little bit of weight.
8.03.2005
Book People
From my most recent read, The Rule of Four, by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason:
I'd begun to realize that there was an unspoken prejudice among book-learned people, a secret conviction they all seemed to share, that life as we know it is an imperfect vision of reality, and that only art, like a pair of reading glasses, can correct it.
...
[Life] made a mockery of the laws they lived by: that every fact can be reinterpreted, that ever ending can be changed.
8.01.2005
Phobias
Due to the incessant need of Laurel Heights and Presidio Heights families to own expensive and well-groomed (read: showy) dogs, I've recently had to overcome (at least a bit) my fear of poodles. Yeah yeah, I know...but they're big ugly mean creatures, and for whatever reason, I've been scared of the breed (and only that breed) since childhood.
As I entered the dog park last week, a giant black statue of fuzz ran toward me. I started to flip out, until I heard him being called back by an accent that so closely matched my mom's that I just had to feel a bti at home. I sat next to the man, despite the big ugly poodle, and talked with him for awhile--he in his native German and I in my broken version. The poodle actually turned out to be pretty nice, and I was more interested in the conversation (and feeling a connection to Mom who is oh so far away now) than I was in noticing my fear. Soon, two other poodles showed up to play. Okay, so I'm not as comfortable with the others yet, but maybe I'll get there. For now, my joy in not panicking at the one is pretty damn nice.
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