Things That Are Hard To Do #1

Back in high school one of the people closest to me in my life was diagnosed with ALS. My basketball coach/hero/perfect family man role model started experiencing some problems controlling his arms and later found out he had Lou Gehrig's disease. In the years since, he has been confined to a bed and lost all but blinking motions and sharpness of mind. This amazing man gave everything to everyone in his community, and for awhile, everyone gave back. The school sponsored a trip to Disney, others helped him go hang out with his kids at a ranch in Texas, he got to meet his baseball heroes and Micheal Jordan. The last time I saw him I had a very difficult time sitting on the bed next to him talking and watching him not be able to respond or ask me questions. I tried really hard to forget, I think, and waited uneasily for the phone call that would tell me that the 5 year life sentence he'd been handed had finally expired. Well, it's been at least 2 years now since I last visited him, and 8 since he was diagnosed, and I read somewhere on the internet that his full time nursing staff would accept phone calls and relay a message to him. So today I called.

I was completely unprepared to talk to him. I updated him on everything I could before I got stupid and awkward and he signaled to the nurse I was finished. It was ridiculous. I couldn't even be strong for 10 minutes. The biggest part of me was just fighting my anger at his wife for moving out of his home and taking her children with her. Part of me understands, but another part of me is irate that she could give up on him. Perhaps she made the best choice for her children. I won't understand unless I'm in that situation, but it kills me that anyone could abandon this incredible person. Maybe that's not the case at all. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions...but all I wanted to do during that conversation was cry and hug him as hard as I could.

I feel that I'm a horrible person for allowing myself to feel any pain in this. Like, what's actually affecting me life? I feel guilty for not talking longer. I feel guilty for not being there. Back in college I wrote papers on ALS and thought maybe I'd even go into research on it. Now it rarely crosses my mind.

So perhaps this is my little bit of outreach. Please, please, please take a moment to read a little about ALS. Take a moment to think about how lucky you are to be able to move around and get out of bed. Take a moment to imagine what it would be like to be trapped in a dying body you couldn't use, but still be able to think as clearly as you do today. And take a moment to spread a little bit of love...with a smile, a touch, a nice word....

Be thankful.