Not so happy camper

I have to find a new job. I'm very frustrated. Help.

What it's all about:

http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html

Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.

First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH

Screenname: How have you been?
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard

When you spiral down into an emotional pit, it's difficult to see the other side of things. Even when it only lasts a few days, it feels like things will at the best be numb for awhile. I felt like there was no resolution and I just had to wait it all out to let the emotions blow over. Who would have thought that one well spoken statement could change it all. Everything looks brighter, the pressure has lifted away from my chest a bit, and my eyes sure as hell don't hurt as much. It's amazing what a little communication--real communication--can do.

Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.

Happy Camper Frustrations

It’s already been a rough day. My boss called me in to ask me about my time sheet that I turned into her for payroll. She told me that we have to have discussions about events that I attend because I shouldn’t be getting paid for them. My understanding is that she was speaking for the board and not herself, but she told me that salaried employees were “volunteering” their time, so I should be, too. I pointed out that salaried employees get to leave for doctor appointments or car check ups or what not without taking a dock in their pay, so they make up for it by working after hours events occasionally and it all evens out. I, however, don’t get to leave, or be five minutes late, without taking a dock in my pay because my paycheck is based on what’s recorded on paper. Therefore, when I have to work events and such it is extra time, not part of a balance like it is with the salaried employees. I pointed out to her that when she and the program services manager were sick and stayed home from work, they didn’t take a dock in their pay, but I didn’t get paid at all for those hours I was gone. She said that salaried employees accrue sick time. I told her that I accrue sick time, too, but NONE of us get to take it until we’ve been here six months. They’ve both already taken some. She told me that the board discussion was simply that we had to talk about events and determine whether they would be volunteer events for me. I told her very frankly that I would not do them if they were volunteer events. She told me I didn’t need to get that way with her. I calmed a bit and said that it wasn’t about her, I was frustrated with the board, and that with the way they have been treating us lately I will not be doing volunteer work. I will gladly volunteer as a wishgranter, but I will not volunteer time that I’ve been getting paid for and that I should have as my sole job anyway. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but that I was very frustrated with the board. She told me that it wasn’t my job to worry about the board, she was doing that. Except that it’s everything about my life that it’s affecting. Anyway, I went back in a few minutes later and just apologized for getting defensive. She told me it was no problem, she didn’t blame me, and then we moved on to happier conversations and looking at pics of her husbands trip to Korea where he is right now.

I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?

I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*

I told him that he'd better go
'Cause I was crazy and impossible,
That my love was broken,
my dreams had run off wild.

Part of my job should NOT be protecting my company's from people trying to exploit us. There are so many small businesses out there, especially people who run their own start ups, that try to take advantage of the logo. They're trying to get us to do free publicity for them in exchange for a 10% donation. Seriously...when they only reason you're donating to us is to get something from us, the donation should be a little larger than that. Argh.

Greg's dad flew up from Tampa last weekend. -- Greg is the boyfriend. This is significant...I named the puppy (see Sweetest Thing), so it looks like I'll have to keep him now. :) -- Anyway, Greg's dad and stepmom flew up and we had a very cool visit. I played nice and they thought well of me. And you know it's an entertaining weekend when conversation surrounds the size of your boyfriend's sister's childhood turds.

The Mythbusters are testing the poodle in a microwave myth. Rock on, Mythbusters! Nuke that evil being!

So I've been browsing tall websites and feeling annoyed with the lack of clothing available. This is what I found:

A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com

Rock on.


On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm

Sad.

Today I found myself caught in one of the many "can't win" cycles of early adulthood. I want to be the new Director of Development. In order to get the promotion, I need to be able to look professional in the business community. To look professional, I need a professional wardrobe. Additions to a wardrobe cost money. To get money, I need a promotion. Yuck.

Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)

I have this absolutely incredible boyfriend and things are going so well...but none of you would know that for sure because I never write about him. I've discovered four main reasons:
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.

I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)

Got my hair done. Tried to go brunette, but told the chick i was a bit scared of the color change. Thought it was really dark until I dried it, and now it's just a dark blonde. Too dark to be a great blonde, too light to be a real brunette. Hrm.

On a more successful note, I finally got our office completely into the 21st century. I did away with carbon copy receipts and finally switched to computer printouts. WOO HOO! Yay for not having to use the friggin typewriter anymore!

Christmas with the boyfriend's family this weekend. On Sunday he basically handed over control of his credit card to me so I could buy them all gifts. Way fun. Seriously love buying gifts for people, especially with other people's money. Can't wait to hang out with them while they open the presents now.

I've had breakfast in bed the last two days...how am I ever going to adjust to waking up alone and eating nothing until lunch? I'm such a lucky girl!

Kind of a somber day here at the office. We received two calls today telling us children had died. One was going on her wish next month, and one hadn't even qualified yet. So many all at once. I think we're all keeping to ourselves a bit. This is the hard part.

Happy Thanksgiving

Started very well. Had Wed. off so I could clean and prepare, the wonderful boy came down for the holiday weekend and helped out a bit. Apartment, with exception of my room, was spotless and everything was where it belonged for the first time since we moved in. Dinner prep went very well. Made a whole hell of a lot of food and everyone said we made too much. Good thing, because we only had enough leftovers to do lunch today. Corey made yummy broccoli and cheese casserole, we had turkey and mom's dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade cranberry sauce, two kinds of sweet potatoes (cause I don't like the really sweet ones with all the extra stuff on them), pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin pie, devilled eggs, fruit salad, and spicy chocolate cookies. Not too shabby. Mom and her boy came, Dad and Joan, Pat, Chuck and his boy, and then Corey and Greg. We had lots of wine and started drinking at 2pm. It was fabulous. After the parental units left, we cracked out the hard alcohol and turned it into a full fledged party. Corey molested my boyfriend, Heather came over and taught us how to salsa her way, and Chuck's boy provided us with enough alcohol to last us til next Thanksgiving. We woke up this morning to a kitchen full of awful smelly dishes and sticky flooring, and a floor full of half empty drink glasses. Yum. Some Thanksgiving :) Bet the pilgrims didn't have this much fun.

I am so madly in love with the most incredible man in the world.

Thanksgiving...this is my first one at MY home. I'm cooking for the family, including Mom and her new boyfriend (yeah, weird, my MOTHER kissed a man after like 9 years of no interaction with the opposite sex...scary), my dad and his gf, my boyfriend, my roommate, a friend and his roommate, and possibly my sister and her family. I sooooo am wondering if I thought I could handle more than I actually can. It'll be fun, though. I scored a three day holiday so that I can be off tomorrow to get ready.

I experienced the first death of a child whose case I actually worked on yesterday. We were just talking about her an hour or so before her mom called. This one was unexpected. It's the sad part of what we do here.

The dark side of non-profits

I've been receiving calls as of late, at home and at work, from people telling me we called them to ask for money, or asking who the wishing well foundation is and if that's us here at our office. Well, here's the deal. The Wishing Well Foundation is an organization in Louisiana. They have fundraising companies based in Iowa and Missouri that do telemarketing.
This is the dirt I uncovered on them:

http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/childrenswish.html

I would say this is enough for me state that they are not legit. We will NEVER NEVER call you to ask for money. NO PHONE SOLICITATIONS.

Be careful where you spend your money.

And heck, if you're gonna spend your money, email me and I'll give you the address of a non-profit in desperate need of what you've got. :)

Another great political post.

www.fuckthesouth.com

although probably somewhat blasphemous coming from me, I suppose :)

A very powerful post-election message:

An Open Letter to the Red States

Okay, grandiose statement coming...

I've met someone pretty dern special. This could be big, folks.

SO many updates:

Job is amazing.

Apparently I'm a compelling speaker.

My niece had a baby and is moving to DC!
Yay :)

More details later.

So i LOVE my job, but I don't know how I'm going to deal with this sitting on my ass all day thing. I seriously need to make enough money soon to get a gym membership, cause I don't feel like having a but shaped like my chair.

I GOT THE JOB!

Hey...anyone wanna work with an amazing little girl as a community integration specialist? Email Me! I need a replacement.

Interview got moved to tomorrow. Wish me luck!

What A Girl Wants

Ray Blackston's version of what men MUST do for women, as told in a dialogue in his novel, Flabbergasted:

After a young man mentions the idea of there being one person for everyone that has been well hidden thus far, two young women have the following to say:

"Don't believe that. If I stay in South Carolina, I could meet somebody. Or if I were to move to Idaho, I could meet somebody else. But if I married either one, that one would be the right now."

"But the right one has to prove he's the right one."

"He has to treat you like a precious gem, but he needs to be in a real relationship with God first."

"All of that opening of doors and bringing of flowers is a given. A guy's momma shoulda taught 'im that."

"At least that."

"Birthdays and annivesaries seared into his brain."

"That, too."

"Without even asking, he should know if I'm happy or sad or somewhere in between."

"And none of those yes-men who agree with everything, like if a girl says she loves moldy cheese and the guy says he loves moldy cheese, too. We don't need that."

"Definitely don't need that."

"And no calling us at 11:00pm on Thursday, requesting a date for Friday."

"That wouldn't be courteous."

"And if you want to skimp on something, skimp on the price of your lawnmower or your golf clubs, or sit in the cheap seats at the ball games. But don't skimp on us."

"That's a fact."

"And after a nice evening, call us the next day and tell us we're special."

"That'd be nice."

"And if we go to the same church and then break up, don't sit next to us during the Sunday morning service and ask to share a hymnal."

"Yuck."

"But if we get back together, make it clear that we girls can order whatever meal we want, since the price of steak versus meatloaf pales in comparison to a lifetime of love and devotion."

"Another thing...he should never, on a date or any other social occasion, let us get into situations that might be even slightly perceived as compromising."

"Now, just take good notes and inform the entire male populace."

I'm such a dork. Happy Camper calls to set up the interview with the board, and I feel all comfortable with the director because we've had this ongoing thing now during this hiring porcess...so she asks what time I want to meet and I say noon. Thinking about how far it is from BN, I decide I should probably move it, but instead of being professional, stupid little me goes (in an excited voice), "Oh, can we move it to 12:15? In case there's traffic, I don't want to make a bad impression on him." She says, "oooookay" with an incredulous tone. A little too comfy there, eh? I'm a dork. And if I don't get the job now I feel the gods of interviewing are going to remove my tongue. Seriously. Bah.

Totally watching 13 Going on 30 for the fourth time. I LOVE this movie. Too bad it leaves me friggin depressed when it's over because I don't have a pink house. (see earlier post)

I wanna be Jennifer Garner. And DO Mark Ruffalo. On a couch in front of a pink house.

You know you're in trouble when deciding who will be the designated driver comes down to figuring out a drinking schedule for the night. It's all in the timing.

The Stinkin' Drunk Twelve Step Program

Step One: The Call of the Drink
It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.

Step Two: Economics
If funds are low, and you don't have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man's Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.

Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
Finding appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.

Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
The first sip that holds beautiful promises, the inital lick of the lips that christens the inebriation that lies patiently ahead. The drinker begins to feel at ease, shedding the sober skin in thicker flakes after each and every drink.

(The next eight steps can follow in rapid succession or may occur simultaneously.)

Step Five: Sad Reminiscing
"I don't care if I saw him naked on the couch with that girl who works at Dairy Queen, I know he really loved me. Why did he leave me? Why? Can anyone tell me why?" The most worthless step of the entire twelve. It usually concerns relationships and can lead to potentially hazardous DWIs--Dialing While Intoxicated--which entails calling everyone you ever dated, since you are convinced that it is a completely excellent idea.

Step Six: Wanting to Get Naked and Asking Strangers to Do the Same
Usually done after the DWI has already taken place, and the drinker has been rejected again.

Step Seven: Math
You start figuring out how many hours it will be until you have to be fully functioning again. "I can sleep fifteen more minutes if I skip a shower," "I'll wear what I'm wearing now and won't have to waste time looking for something clean."

Step Eight: "It's Ten 'til One" Inventory
A quick assessment that no matter how much liquor you have, it will not be enough and you must get more, and NOW, because it is the most important mission you will ever embark on in your life.

Step Nine: Let's Get a Snack, Too
A journey to a drive-thru, because you are much too drunk to sit in a restaurant, though you are okay to drive. Purchase twenty dollars' worth of fast food that will most likely reappear in an altogether different form before sunrise. You will eat things at this point that you would not normally feed your dog, like convenience-store franks or three-for-a-dollar tacos.

Step Ten: I Love Being Me
Your are witty. You begin feeling beautiful, sexy, and thin. You really want to be naked now, and just about everybody is looking good. You will not think twice about sticking your tongue down a stranger's throat in a room full of a hundred people. You may also feel the need to tell assorted people that you love them, and this is a good indication that you should probably go home.

Step Eleven: Invisibility
You believe that you are invisible and can do things that will bear no witnesses, like peeing in a bush or puking on the sidewalk. It is at this point that you will not remember the last thing you said or that you decided that the street looks like a very good place to lie down.

Step Twelve: The Complete Loop
You lose the ability to communicate, with the exception of nodding your head. Also evaporated is the decision-making process, all of your money, the use of your limbs, and, quite thankfully, consciousness.

from The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro

I'm 23 and I JUST bought my very first C cup bra! Rock on! Guess my Judy Blume exercises (or was it Beverly Cleary?) worked.

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

We finally have some art up on the walls! Starting to look like home :)

We finally have some art up on our walls. Makes it start to look a bit like home. Especially with our beautiful new dining room table. Woo hoo!

I didn't get the job with Happy Camper Foundation*. The exec director is trying to create a position for me, but the board won't do it. What they did do was add a fundraising aspect to the office manager position and make it full time. Now the exec director wants to offer me that position but she has to let the treasurer interview for the office manager part of it. That means he wants someone with accounting experience, which I don't have. I'm interviewing next week for it. We'll see what happens.

*Some names are made up to protect the innocent :)

Why is it that people pop back into your life just when you feel comfortable with your life and over your past? How do you make a friendship work with someone who IS that past that took so long to get over (if you ARE indeed over it)? Is it doable?

I called Happy Camper* again to see about the job I interviewed for 2 weeks ago. Had to leave another message. Blah. This is the worst anticipation ever. Blah. I want this job sooooo much.

*Names have been changed

The parent of one of my clients has masterfully found a way to keep me just late enough for me to get really hungry, but have me leave early enough that he doesn't feel compelled to feed me. It's not like I'm asking for a steakhouse buffet. Seriously.

Mike left on Sunday after spending a week in town. It's nice. For once in my life it's not this highly dramatic emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. He leaves, it sucks, but it's all okay, not a huge deal. I feel very normal for the first time in a long time. It's sad, though...we made it work so well this week that I totaly feel like it could actually work and I'm just a bit melancholy that it was only for a week. I miss him.

Just finished watching 13 Going on 30 AGAIN. I LOVE this movie!!!! Love it sooo much, but it makes me cry like a friggin jr high girl who just got ditched at a party. Who finds that kind of love? Who meets someone that is just their best friend and then ends up totally in love and happy and married and sitting on a luxurious white couch in the front yard of their brand new pink house in a manhattan suburb? Who? The movie is a fairytale, but it's so depressing because I'm never gonna have that pink house. How sad.

I WANT THE PINK HOUSE DAMMIT!

I finally got my new car! Rock on! Tres excited about it.

Also got the new apt. Living in Crosswinds for you Spfld people. Come see us!
Can't wait for the housewarming party!

Exeriences of the last 24 hours...

3 trips to the DMV
12 yr old bodybuilder's enema
bite from a 12 yr old with jaws of steel
2 shots of tequila
5 michelob lights
2 white russians
new car (almost)
cat fight (literally)
job application
reprimand from a librarian
application for a death certificate
discovery of Quick Trip's refusal to carry Mounds bars
a good friend and a car ride
realizing I have pictures of KTTS' newest DJ in undies

New apartment, new car, and maybe a new job? we'll see. :)

Bad car crash today.  Not my fault for once.  I've always been the moron before.  Karma got me this afternoon.  Hurts to breathe.  I'm ok.  Gonna try to sleep.  No car :(  Prayers appreciated, especially for car issues.  Hoping their insurance doesn't try to screw me. 

At a young age little girls plan grand weddings for Barbie and Ken, play house with the neighborhood boys (assuming one of them will voluntarily play daddy), and watch Disney princesses fight their way towards that handsome prince.

Well, little girls grow up. We find someone who fits the bill and assign him Charming status. Eventually that blows up in our face because no man could ever live up to the expectations we set for that first time around. A couple of these pass through our lives and we lower our expectations a bit. We no longer care about things we were told Prince Charming had because we learn about the things we need as individuals. At some point we'd simply be happy for a human of the xy variety who can hold down a job and kiss well.

Then we meet him. That man who surpasses our low expectations and shows us that reality can hold so much more. We rush into it full force thinking this is the greatest thing ever and this is what movies like Casablanca are all about. We know this is the one. We give willingly of ourselves, knowing that we will die holding hands with this amazing man. Then one day, we realize what we thought we had was a mirage created by all those supressed fantasies we thought we'd long forgotten. We learn that he isn't really what we thought. Our hearts shatter into tiny pieces and we try desparately to round them all up before they wash away in the river of our tears. We are crushed. We are cynical. But we still want that fairy tale. We are determined to wait, cautious with our hopes and our happiness.

Some time later, we meet him. That one who might not blow us away at the beginning, but makes us want to believe. That one who, when we give him the chance, shows us that love really can be all that we ever dreamed...it just might not be exactly to our specifications. That one who loves us even when we're shitty or overemotional or dorky or drunk or cranky or just plain ourselves. We don't give into it right away...we've been hurt, we want to guard our hearts. The pieces may be back in place, but there are still a few missing. How do you give your heart away when it's no longer whole? So we bide our time. We enjoy quick kisses and uncertain smiles of happiness. The words "I love you" make us cringe and smile all at the same time. We never really let him be certain that we're in this for the long haul, because we aren't yet certain. We force him to keep pursuing, persuading, in hopes that one day he will convince us that he is our prince. We take it slowly, and let ourselves move along the road towards the possible.

One day, we can no longer wait. He has pursued long enough. We know this man is everything we want, everything we've ever wanted, and we open up that heart. It's fragile, but we offer it out to him anyway. Cracks and dents and all. We let him in. We let him see through the cracks and take a walk through that heart. We let him see how much we care about him. We stop forcing him to pursue us, and we show him that we long for him just the same. We are in love.

Then we get scared. Shit, we think, he's in there. The last one was in there and took so much of that heart with him. What if this one doesn't love me now that he knows I love him? Maybe he likes the chase...now that he has me he'll stop wanting me. Or maybe he likes a girl of mystery...now that he's seen it all he'll lose interest. This poor little heart can't take that. Our frantic thoughts take over recent thoughts of love and happiness, until we can no longer enjoy the good without tainting it with fear.

We tell him. He reassures us. He doesn't understand.

Yeah, so. The last one reassured us, too, the Fucker.

So now we're scared, insecure, and not ourselves. Now he starts to see the side of us we never wanted to show anyone. He gets frustrated with our fear. Now, we wonder, will he run?

Our first reaction is to gain control again. We're scared on this supposedly level (but to us, oh so unlevel) playing ground and we need to take a step back so that we can compose ourselves. So we have to take it all back. We can't go back in time, but we can pull away. So we pull from his arms. We wait for him to call us again. We watch the clock and make ourselves wait exactly 47 minutes to call him after we have the first impulse. We only tell him we love him when he says it first. We start a new hobby. We suddenly aren't available on Friday nights. We pull back so that he won't see what a mess we are inside. We pull back to regain that aura of mystery so he won't lose interest. We pull back so that he will, again, be forced to pursue us.

Sometimes, he doesn't pursue us. We say, fuck it, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the one...and move on. Knowing all along that we killed it with our insecurity, but unable to let go of the fear. We hope that one day we'll find the one who keeps pursuing. The one who won't let us run. The one who will grab us and yell us to stop being so fucking crazy and realize how madly in love with us he is and that he will always be there no matter how neurotic we are and how much we try to pull away. He'll yell it at us until we're not sure if we should cry or laugh, and then he'll kiss us hard and tell us again and again that he wants us and that we have absolutely nothing to fear. And then he'll kiss us long and soft and slow. A seal for the promise of the depth of his love.

We hope we'll find that one. We want to believe in that one. We want to believe that THIS one IS THAT one. But while we hope, we expect the worst. He will fail us. He will run. Could anyone ever REALLY love this mess? Probably not. So we kill every chance at love with our insecurity, hoping that someday someone will be strong enough to show us that we have nothing to fear...that he will fight us for us. And that he will hold our hands while, together, we fight through to the other side, where we are not scared and all is bliss. We want to be with him in that land where fear succumbs to absolute unconditional true love.

We want the same thing we wanted when we were still those little girls and our biggest questions involved the clothing of Barbie's bridesmaids.

We want the fairy tale.

See original broadway cast recording of South Pacific, track 10

:)

You know your cat is curious if he watches you while you have sex.

You know your cat is jealous if he curls up on your face while you have sex.

Jealous cats need to be shoved off the bed.

It's always nice to open the door to a man in uniform.

Another wonderful Friday night in Springfield :)

Oh Mandy. What a night.

Not particularly wild or anything, just interesting.

Went to Martha's. Did NOT want to go. Was not up for dealing with drama queeny queens and was PMSy and knew I couldn't get drunk, so it was all a bit much for me last night.

Got to Martha's. Looked hot, but for who? Lots of older lesbians there last night. Thought I recognized a chick I knew when I walked in and did a double take. She thought I was checking her out and grabbed my ass later.

Random little very fem guy comes up and says he has to introduce himself to me. Apparently he saw me at Chuck's bday in my fem version of drag and thought I was cool for wearing a tie and bowler hat. Decided I was fun and he had to know me. Invited us to a party next week and to make out with him. uh...no.

Tall chick...my height...came up to me. Actually only 6'2 but in big heels...also much bigger than me, made me feel small and a little uncomfortable. Not a fan of looking slightly up to anyone.

Talking to her when older lesbian approaches to ask if I'm gay. I say no, she says oh, with a disappointed look. Turns out not to be because of her interest, but because her friend grabbed my ass. Her friend is straight. So I guess she wanted her one time experience or something. Won't be with me.

Lesbian proceeds to tell me and tall chick that we should be together and that we shouldn't be at martha's if we're not looking for ass from a woman. Excuse me? ugh. I know it's a meat market...but that's why I enjoy...I'm not PART of that meat market. Bah.

Sidewalk sale outside after closing involved lots of rain, with me in a pale yellow tank and newly straightened hair, dammit. Fanagled Corey into making out with hot guy who wanted to take his picture in the rain in the street. It was great, but Corey didn't think he was hot.

Hot army guy was def sending signs of hitting on Corey, but when prodded said he wasn't gay. So confusing.

Soaked through and through we left, tired and cold and ready to curl up in bed.

So the Sigma Chi brothers have made it into the hazing hall of fame:

However, the decision to evict the Sigma Chi brothers from their house took into account events on the evening of March 18, when two pledges were transported to the hospital, and April 22, when students were videotaped and photographed performing in sexually charged skits and engaging in other behaviors the Greek Life Office deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable."


Good job, guys. :)

Attn: St. Louis People

I'm jumpin' in my new car in a few to head up there. I'll be around until Monday afternoon. If I haven't already made plans with you, give me a call (on the new cell) and we'll work something out. Can't wait to see everyone!

Amazing Weekend! I'm beautifully sunkissed from spending the day outside while a couple really great people tried to fix my car, and from driving around all day in a Porsche Boxter with the top down. I made a wonderful new friend, and somehow wound up with a fabulous new car. Woo hoo! And once again everything works out for me...even when I thought it was hopeless. Learning to have more faith. :)

In regards to my post about someone taking the keys, a friend told me he thought the women's lib movement was all about letting the women drive. My response:

Women don't always want to be driven, we just want someone who's willing to step up to the plate and put the effort into the relationship...someone has to believe a relationship can work and have faith and work to make it happen. If one person is scared or tired or whatever it is that's holding them back, they are less likely to fight to make something happen. If there is another person who believes, who can instill a bit of hope and faith, who can make a little bit of effort to show the other how to do it all again, and that it's worth doing...it can work. Driving is being the person who makes the effort. Being the person who believes it can work.

I'm all about women's lib. I can go out and get any man I want. I have no problem asking a guy out or making the first move or whatever...but when it comes to actually starting a real relationship, I'm too fucking tired to deal with it. I'm not cynical, but I'm certainly not super optimistic, either. I've put way too much effort into it the last few times and not gotten anything back. The next time I actually get into a relationship, someone else is gonna have to do some major reparation. That sucks, I know, and it's not fair. But life's not fair. I've been in relationships since the last big heartbreak, but they were all me not being really involved and just going with the flow until I got bored with it. The guys thought they got through just because I seemed happy, and I got bored with them because we hadn't actually made a real connection. Nobody went past everything I put out for them to see. When someone gets past that...when i WANT someone to get past that, and when he makes an effort, maybe something real and better can happen. That's definitely going to require a guy who knows how to drive, and one who doesn't mind taking the scenic backroads, because it's gonna take one hell of a long time. Most men aren't up for that. I don't blame em...I'm not about to take that initiative with anyone. That's what driving is about. Not about the man taking control, or the woman being incapable...just about me being too damn tired to deal with it all. :)

fuck fuck FUUUUUUUCK

Who wants to buy me a car?

A glimpse into my life

Provided thoughtfully by author and psychic Leslie Schnur.


'She leaned against him, her shoulder against his arm. He turned to her, and he took her hand in his.

A few minutes later, he broke the silence.
"I haven't done this in a very long time." I can't tell her the truth, is what he was thinking.
"Me neither," she said. And I don't know if I can go through this again.
"I'm not sure I can." Besides, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.
"Me neither," she said again, wanting to smack herself. Though it was true.
"Maybe we should forget it." God, I want to kiss you, to...
"You're dropping me before we've even gotten started?" She made him laugh. Her stomach hurt. She pulled her hand from his.
"Somebody, in every new relationship, has to drive the train, to run the machine," he said. The last time, look what happened.
"Well, I don't drive. I'm a city girl," she said. Please don't do this.
He laughed. "Someone has to pursue the other. Or else you can't get to the next stop." Fight with me!
"Well, I'm not going to do it." Fuck him.
"Me neither." Screw you!
"So this will be the first love affair with no people," she said, looking down at her feet.
"A lot simpler than if it were populated." He turned to look at her. She's only here because thinks I'm someone else.
"It could last years." Kiss me, please.
"Or it'll go nowhere. It's not as if a new relationship can propel itself. It can simply putter out and stall on the side of the road," he said, now sounding anxious. "One could get hurt."
She challenged him. "Well, why aren't you brave? It's not important enough to you?" Fuck you!
"Me? Why not you? Who said that the man has to do it? What are you, a sexist pig?" Don't you see? I'm not who you really want.
"Yeah. SO I'd like to be pursued. So shoot me." Kiss me!
"I don't have to shoot you. Shoot yourself. I'm sick of having to be the one to drive the car! You know what it's like to drive the Expressway? Awful! That's what it's like. Trucks, old ladies with blue hair who can't see over the wheel, terrible drivers--"
"Drivers with a sense of entitlement . Feel they can cut you off, run you over simply because they're driving a Jag or a Hummer." she said.
"Hummers should be illegal. What, eight, nine miles to the gallon?"
"I totally agree!" She smiled. He's wonderful. She slipped her hand back into his.
"It's really a shame," to put it mildly, he said, squeezing her hand. "And all because we're wimps." And because you want me to be someone I'm not.
"Just fearful." Why is this so hard?
"I know." Show me it's me you really like and not a guy you're imagining.
"Well, this was fun." Yeah, right. She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms around her waist.
"I just need some time. I know that sounds...but can I call you?" When I get the balls?
"Why?" Oh God, yes.
"If I learn to drive?" To show you who I really am?
"God, yes. The minute one of us is willing or able to drive, we have to promise to call the other." I won't do it.
"I promise." And you'll be disappointed.
"Me, too." Please.
And they stood there for a few more minutes, in silence, leaning against each other, before heading back uptown.'



*sigh* Doesn't anyone wanna take the keys?

The last scene of 24 tonight was Jack Bauer crying in his car.

Awwwww, Kiefer, honey, I'll make you forget all about it. :)

Van Halen has a new single!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock on!

"It's About Time"

hell yeah, it is


NOBODY out there now has this kind of energy. SOOOOO glad there's something new :)

Wash U's 2004 Commencement address, by Thomas Friedman. Read it.

I have come to the absolute conclusion that I cannot be romantically involved with someone who cannot speak English correctly. ESPECIALLY if English was their first language. Seriously. I don't expect perfection all the time, I make constant mistakes...but subject/verb agreement is important, I think. Is I wrong? :) It just makes me cringe.

So maybe I'm a bitch, but I'm a bitch who respects the language a little too much to see it completely butchered.

Cute recycling guy has been MIA for awhile. How sad.

My car is evil. I really need to get a new one. May not have a choice soon. Have NO f*in clue how I'm going to pay for that, though. *sigh*

ATTENTION ALL SPRINGFIELD FOLK!!!

I am running a summer reading group at Barnes and Noble. It will be the fourth Monday of every month this summer at 7pm. Monday, May 24th, we're reading Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods. Monday, June 28th, we'll be reading Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes. Yes, I know, not the most intellectual of all choices, but the success of the group is determined by how many people it brings into the store, not by the quality of the discussion. And the amount of people it brings into the store determines whether I continue to get paid for talking about books for two hours. So come check it out if you're in the area. You can call Barnes & Noble for more info at 885-0026.

Shit, I just realized I printed June 21st on my flyers. Ugh.

More from today's reading...

The criteria by which a new minority religion is determined to be dangerous and/or a cult:

1. The organization is willing to place itself above the law.

2. The leadership dictates (rather than suggests) important personal (as opposed to spiritual)details of followers' lives, such as whom to marry, what to study in college, etc.

3. The leader sets forth ethical guidelines members must follow but from which the leader is exempt.

4. The group is preparing to fight a literal, physical Armageddon against other human beings.

5. The leader regularly makes public assertions that he or she knows are false and/or the group has a policy of routinely deceiving outsiders.

from Odd Gods, by James Lewis

On Penis Size

by Michael Thomas Ford

Take the issue of big dicks. I confess that I have something of a fondness for them, and for some time I fantasized about finding a man who had one that would defy description. Well, you should always be careful what you wish for. My fantasy materialized one night in the form of a very tall, very large, very handsome German man. When he undid his jeans and I saw what lay beneath, I had to be revived by a splash of cold water to the face.


But alas, Gunther had one small problem. Or rather, one very large problem. For while his dick was indeed of Teutonic proportions, getting it filled to capacity with the blood necessary to make it hard meant that other areas of his body had to do without. Unfortunately the result of an erection was that his brain was unable to function fully, making sex with him about as exciting as the Doctor Who reruns he insisted on watching during lovemaking.

And when he was erect, there was this tiny matter of what to do with something so large. While it was kind of fun to play with him, it was a little like swinging a Wiffle bat around. Getting my mouth around the whole thing would have required installing hinges, and just the thought of him trying to put it anywhere else made me feel faint. While I tried valiantly to make the most of his natural gifts, in the end I had to abandon Gunther to someone with more relaxed throat muscles and no fear of a future marred by the inconvenience of incontinence.

Watching The Bad Seed. If you don't know it, it's that really old movie where there's this perfect little girl who is actually sociopathic. It came out before anyone actually knew that sociopathic was something you could have without it being a product of the environment. Really creepy perfectly nice little blond chick (so sure Village of the Damned was based on the creepy whitish blond hair) is total psycho with no remorse or regret. Creepy as hell movie. Soooooo good.

I finally managed to get some rest, but now I'm dying to go out and have some fun. Blah. Too bad anywhere worth going is at least 4 bucks worth of gas away. Can't really justify driving into town when prices are this high. Ozark needs a coffee shop. A good one. What's the point of having a day of rest if you can't rest because you're so used to always going and going?

There's a point in your life when you realize that you can no longer do the things you did in college. I once thought that was because you were old enough that your body couldn't handle it anymore. While that is the case later on, perhaps, it is not always. Sometimes it's just because you realize how friggin stupid you were in college.

Bah.

Never again.

Is it normal to get a little bit jealous when someone moves in on your territory, even when that territory is difficult to define? We went to Mud Lounge tonight and met this random chick. Corey thought he knew her, and it turns out they made out years ago at some big party where everyone was really drunk. Okay, so the Grace moment lasted just a bit...not because I wanna make out with him, but because that's something we haven't shared as friends. That's great and all, but when it has happened with a random person, it makes it feel a little weird. Then to add to that, she's totally friggin cool, but also totally dominant in a conversation. Like me, she must be the center of attention. Two of us just don't work well in the same group. And then there's the whole, she's graduating college and actually doing the go off to Germany thing. And she speaks better German than I do. And she's tall, but not as tall as I am. Seriously...she's like me, but a seemingly better version. It definitely makes me jealous and a little insecure. Ugh. Not a good feeling. Especially when I actually like her. Bah. So much for being all excited that I went out in friggin Springfield and met random people and hung out and made friends. Someone tell me to get over myself. Seriously.

Okay...EVERYBODY in the world needs to see Love Actually.

AMAZINGFUCKINGINCREDIBLE movie. I wanna see it again. Like right now. Go see it if you haven't. That's an order.

Saw the cute recycling guy again, but didn't have a chance to talk to him at that moment. Means he probably IS a regular. Good things.

So there's this cute bartender at the Mud Lounge, where Corey and I go all the time. We lightly flirted, or he was just nice to me I guess, the first time I saw him when I asked him to make me a Mojito and he thought he could, but then it sucked and he didn't want to sell it to me. I asked one of the servers if that guy had a ring on his finger, and she told me he was straight, available, and shy. She definitely told him and he kind of avoided looking at me most of the night. We kept this little slight weirdness thing up for awhile. I basically decided I needed to let it go for a couple of reasons. 1. If he did go for me, I'd just break his heart anyway (given that he's too damn nice for me) and then we could never go back to mud lounge. and 2. Corey pointed out that I could be coming off somewhat stalkerish. So I let it go and that was that. But he's still cute.

Well last night we went to Spfld Brewing Co and in walks the bartender with a couple of friends. We have a good laugh over it, I decide I'm going to ignore him, and that's that. Well, then this chick Corey knows b/c she used to work at BN comes over and SHE knows him. Not only is he a super sweet guy, but he's moving soon. That takes care of the heartbreak/not being able to go to mud lounge issue. Then she tells me he's moving to San Francisco. Corey and I just look at each other b/c I'm soooo destined to hit on this one. I still play it kinda cool until later on when she tells me he's moving there to get his grad degree in...dun dun dun...photography. Well, I'm fucked. I had no control. I went over to him, talked to him about San Fran, and handed him my number. He's soooo cute in a cute little shy boy way. And he's moving soon. Dude, he needs a fling, and I am soooo the best fling provider in the world. Seriously. My only problem is that he probably does thing I'm a stalker. That or he thinks I'm with Corey and I'm just bitchy enough to hit on him while my bf's nearby. Well, now he has my number, and I'll never be able to face him again at Mud lounge. That's life. :)

My client, D., and I were recycling out in the beautiful weather today when a ruggedly handsome stranger asks me if I need help with my flat. Shocked, I look down to notice that my car is sitting on the ground rather than on the nice tube of air it was when I arrived. I professed my bafflement and told him I would LOVE his help, but I didn't have a jack. The wonderful handsome stranger went all around the recycling lot looking for someone with a jack that would work. What a man. He then managed to get the car off the ground and remove all but one of the lug nuts. The last lug nut defeated him and another gentleman as they tried to loosen it and only succeeded in rotating the tire (and moving the car backward). Finally, in a final lone attempt, Mr. Handsome broke the nut and finished putting on my spare. Ahhh, how I wish that was an analogy for something more fun. So I ask the men if I can buy them a case of beer or something. They both protest, the cute one more than the other older man. At that point I thank them both profusely and the hot guy tells me he couldn't have done otherwise, it's in his blood to help, and he's just glad he was there. I tell him he totally saved my day, make him feel all heroic, and think to myself, "hell yeah, I'm glad you're here...and not just to change my flat." The man who is now getting better looking by the second (did I actually blush when those blue eyes peered into mine?) is wearing white gloves.

After he leaves I think, Damn, I should have asked him if I could take him out for a drink since he wouldn't let me buy him a case of beer. Or coffee :)

Or even said something like, "nice gloves...is there a ring under there?"

I'm a moron.

Maybe he's a regular like D. and I :) perhaps I will see him again.

at least my tire is fixed :)

It's amazing what a beautiful day can do for your morale. That and dark chocolate with raspberry filling.

How do you make it better when you've broken the trust of someone you love? Even if they forgive you, do you actually forgive yourself? Or do you constantly want to say, no no, don't tell me that...no no, don't put your trust in me, I don't deserve it. But what is any kind of love, any kind of friendship without trust?

And what if that trust was broken because you trusted someone else? What if you feel betrayed by someone who did the exact same thing you just did. How do you deal with it? Well, your anger at them simply becomes even more anger at yourself. And how do you combat that? You need forgiveness from somewhere...but even the person who fucked over is kind enough to do so, that's not really enough, now is it? Because you're still blaming yourself for the transgressions of those other people and only you can forgive that. So what the fuck? why trust?

Someone show me trust that hasn't been broken. Someone show me it's worth it. Or show me a way to love without it. Bah.

oh my, it's been way too long since I've really written anything. Hate this part of documenting stuff on here. Yesterday I got into a sorta mini car accident. I no longer have a mirror. I'm sore as hell, but other than that, all is okay. For once it actually wasn't my fualt, either. That's kinda rare :) anyway, i'm off to bed...too much to do tomorrow.

happy birthday to me!!!! in 25 minutes anyway :)

A New York Times article I never would have read had a friend of mine not been quoted in it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/25/technology/circuits/25mess.html

Yay John :)

Oh my, it's been a long week. Last weekend was in St. Louis to pick up Corey's cousin Ava, hang out with his friend Marla and her baby and husband, hang out with my friend Rob, and tour the city. Spent the week with Corey, Chuck, and Ava doing all kinds of fun crazy things. Kissed a girl. Twice. Kissed a gay guy. Twice. Got groped by a bunch of gay guys in a gay bar. Got drinks bought for me by straight men in a gay bar. Ate brie that tasted like a Liz Phair song (see the new album). Note to self: Never eat brie again. Ever. Wore a dress with a slit up to my hip when I sat down. Spent this weekend in St. Louis with the Mandys and other Wash U folk, as well as Corey and Chuck. Did Relay (woo hoo!). Froze ass off. Saw Marla and baby again, along with other random baby. Drank a lot, ate a lot, drove a lot, slept wayyyy too little. Saw Ellen and Maddi and fam. Much fun. Decided certain family members of mine are very uncool. Sat across from best friend while being told she'd marry the guy she's with. Realized we are adults and are moving on. Tear. Asked random grocery store yamaka guy how pounds of matzos I should bring home. Ate German liquer-filled chocolates at Tivoli while watching Robert McNamara plead his side of Vietnam. Ate St. Louis Bread Co, NOT Panera, twice in one day. Said goodbye to good friend headed off to Kuwait to fight the good fight. Worked a totally different shift and job today. Saw pothead former friend/neighbor/bane of my existence who bragged about impregnating first child's preschool teacher. Now it's 9pm and I'm ready for bed. Bah.

sooooo tired

I just had the most friggin fantastic weekend ever!

Our summercamp song...written by 12 yr old moi:

The world is a very large place
but small to the closed of mind
and those who think they know everything
are alone as you will find

chorus:
and I may be desperate and I may be young
but I really need my freedom and I know,
it just won't come.

my youth is no excuse
they say it all the time
I'm trapped in a child's body
with a grown-ups mind

chorus

and if I stand alone
i won't cave in to fear
I'll strengthen first myself
then grow above my years

guitar solo

we are all born equal no matter what they say
my life is what I make of it so if I start today
maybe my children will be able to say
thanks mom and dad for what you did yesterday

and I may be desperate and I may be young
but I really need my freedom and who knows?
it just might come.


yesterday, had you asked me if I had ever written a song I would have said no. having found that little juvenile thing, though, I KNOW the tune and words without having to read it. funny, huh?

So I went threough a bunch of old journal type things I wrote in junior high and found some pretty funny stuff. Thought I'd share some things here for all to enjoy. :)

Don't kill yourself laughing at me :) I was a pompous, naive, bad writer of a twelve year old.


My first vignette:

I was walking outside with my dogs when I heard my neighbor's voice calling hers. The black dog that is too fat for his size had gotten out of the fenced in yard when his owner tried to get her children into the car. My neighbor, a woman at least 200 pounds overweight, screamed at her malnourished children to catch the dog because she was too busy sitting in the car to get him herself. When the skinny little girls and boys finally caught the dog, she yelled at them for pulling on his collar. What a bitch.

After they left, I noticed that their back gate was standing wide open.

a few quotes from Wicked, by Gregory Maguire:

"I certainly will not touch you," he said, managing to say many things at once.


"Oh yes, don't you know that distinction? Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are two kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girls experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boys need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy and initiative of fury. It's a requirement of hunting, of defense, of pride. Maybe of sex, too.

And girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever, ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on--or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires an eternal vigilance in all matters of slight and offense."

Further commentary on the last post will follow at a time when I am feeling more eloquent in my expressions...or when I just get so pissed off I can't refrain.

For now...

I just finished watching Michael Moore's The Big One. I didn't think I'd like him at all...he always comes across as so liberal he can't think straight, and i just didn't think I'd enjoy watching him. You know what? I was wrong. I'm not a Moore follower by any means, but he's got some good points. My favorite point in his movie, however, was simply the one where he did a book signing at Library Ltd in St. Louis. Woo Hoo! That's my old bookstore. Obviously, I was still in high school when he made the film, so I wasn't working there yet, but still, it was cool to see it on film. Yay for great bookstores!

What the hell is wrong with the friggin people in this world?!?

ARGH!

Seriously.

Words of wisdom:

A friend of mine was talking to a much wiser Christian woman about the guys she liked. She thought some of the men were beyond her in spiritual purity, and mentioned how she was often attracted to the "sarcastic piles of crap" kind of men.

The woman replied, "Well they're all piles of crap, some of them just know the Lord."

Yet another reason that every young woman should befriend an older wiser woman. :)

Hard up for some entertainment? Check out Wing Sings!

Men are idiots.

You all need to know that.

If you ask me if something is going on behind the last few blogs, I'm not going to reply. In fact, I'm not going to reply for a LONG time.

I explained the wedding dress and ring thing. Because of the mags. STOP reading into it. (this is here because I'm responding to more than one person, so if you're one of those people, don't be totally offended).

The bachelorette thing had to with the tv show.

I thought this was obvious.

If you knew me at ALL, you would understand that subjects can have nothing to do with deeper issues. You can take me at my word. Stop trying to read between the lines! If you are trying to read between the lines, you don't know me well enough to pry into deeper analyses anyway. So bugger off, dammit.

All said with a sweet smile, of course.

Am I a fool? a reality tv commentary

From the moment women were first able to choose to whom they would devote their lives, they have been faced with the decision that Meredith faced on the final episode of the Bachelorette. Every woman has asked the same question at some point in her life. Which is real? Which is more valuable? Security, warmth, adoration, fearlessness, calm, and everything you've ever thought you wanted; or passion, excitement, adventurousness, risk, and everything that makes you question all you've ever believed. Which will last a lifetime? Can they coexist in the same man? the same love?

Meredith followed her heart. She went for the passion, the excitement...she took the risk. It seems that maybe she found it all. Only she will know, and she may not know that for quite a long time.

What about the rest of us, though? We all want to believe that we can find everything we've ever wanted in that passionate exciting man. We want to believe the love that makes our toes curl will be the same love that holds our hands when we're wrinkled and gray. We want to believe it so badly that we take the risk on that unstable adventure in hopes that it will be what we've always wanted. We take the risk because movies, literature, songs, and television have all taught us that real love steals your breath away and makes it absolutely impossible to live without the other person. The media has drilled it into our hopeful heads that the passion will conquer all. We forget that Romeo and Juliet died before they had their first real tiff, Bogart watched his girl fly away from Casablanca, Anna Karenina threw herself onto the train tracks, and Cinderella never made an appearance after the wedding (until Disney's recent release of Cinderella 2, which surely has the Grimm brothers' rolling in their graves). We never see real love around us unless we're one of those few and far between who have real loving parents who stick it out and are still passionate and happy after three kids and a mortgage.

Not to discount that passion at all. Every woman, and man, most likely, understands the feeling of knowing a person who is everything she ever wanted but it still just doesn't seem right. Something doesn't click. With Meredith, this didn't seem to be the case. She made it very evident that she did not see a reason to end the relationship with either man, she simply HAD to make a choice. I wish Meredith all the best, and it is certainly not my intention to sound disrespectful of her decision. However, I fully believe that there comes a certain point when a woman learns that passion means many things. Passion doesn't have to come with instability or questions or incredible risk. "Safe" love comes with risks, too. Passion doesn't have to mean not being sure of where the other person stands or having mysteries abound in the relationship. Passion can be loving someone so deeply that you are willing to trust them to make adventures with you and breed excitement simply by the fact of being together.

Matthew "is" (based on my perception as a viewer who only saw what the producers wanted me to) a wonderful man, but I think that is probably one of the worst things a man can hear from a woman he loves when he's unsure of where he stands. You know something has to follow it. When you love a man deeply, you don't need to tell him how wonderful he is...he knows by your devotion, he hears it every time you say "I love you," and he feels it every time you touch him.

I think Matthew is so much more than that. He cared enough about Meredith to keep his concerns to himself. She had enough on her plate, and he refused to add to the complexity. He knew she was having a hard time, but rather than make a big deal out of it, he chose to offer her a time of fun and security without worries. Matthew didn't need to discuss it all with Meredith; he simply trusted her decision. He didn't need to input his own thoughts. He knew it was ultimately up to her and what she felt.

After Meredith told Matthew that she had fallen in love with Ian, Matt proved himself even more of the wonderful man he'd shown himself to be throughout the entire ordeal. He displayed a shining example of true class and respect for women, and Meredith inparticular. Matthew knew Meredith had made her decision, so he showed only love for her and went so far as to comfort HER when SHE broke his heart.

Matthew put his heart on the line every time he saw Meredith. He never held back, and he trusted it all to work out as was meant. In the limo Matthew asked the question we all ask when we've put our hearts on the line and had them dashed at our feet..."Am I a fool?"
I would like to say something to Matthew:
Are you a fool? Perhaps. But would you even question that at all had she chosen you? Not a chance. So many of us are so desparate for love that we've thrown our hearts out there and watched them trampled...and so many of us have become cynical. You stand out among men in so many ways for so many reasons. Please don't let this make you cynical. Hold back for a bit, protect yourself, but know that there are women out there who are searching for you. I mean, c'mon...we all know most of the guys have received myriad wedding propositions already. Know that putting your heart out there is the only thing that will allow you to find real love. You will find it.

Meredith said she had stronger feelings for someone else and that was the ONLY reason she didn't choose Matthew. I call those stronger NOW feelings. Perhaps Meredith found it all. I repeat myself now by asking again, can passion and security coexist? Can we really have it all? Maybe Meredith does...again, we won't know. Most of us look for all of it right away, and we say those feelings of passion and excitement are stronger, so we go for those. I think yes, we CAN have it all...but it doesn't all come at once. When you find someone who offers you love, safety, understanding, comfort, and everything else you've ever wanted, you already feel a kind of passion for them...you can create the rest.

Hell, Matthew, I'll marry you. Even without that great big diamond. :) I'm sure a million girls out here would say the same.

I say I would because I know what I want, and I think I know how to get it.

I want it all.

So the wedding dress put me in the mood. I was discussing engagement rings with a friend when he asked what style I would like. I said I was fairly simple and wanted either a large solitaire or a slightly smaller round diamond with princess cuts on the side. He told me he thought I should go for something bigger so I decided to play around on the net.

So yeah, now I've decided I have to marry a rich boy. Only because he won't be rich by the time the wedding is over.

For anyone interested...just about anything on this site will do, but I think this beautiful art deco ring is THE ONE. In ten minutes I'm sure I'll have five more to add, but we'll keep it at this one for now. :)

So I've found THE dress and THE ring. Damn it all for having to have a man involved. Geez.

So at BN we get strips of the mags, and it's bridal season. That means I get to take home all kinds of fun wedding magazines right now. So I always flip through and I always think the dresses are normal or too frou frou or not frou frou enough and I never find anything I like.

I finally found my wedding dress.

This one only works really if I do the beach wedding, which I'd like to do...be it outside of San Fran or in the Caribbean or in the Meditteranean or whatever...this one is perfect. Just had to share.

Last night every woman in America lost some of their closest friends. I never really believed that a television show could mean quite so much until the conclusion of Sex and the City. It sounds silly, but because every woman is Carrie, and every woman has parts of Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte within her, these archetypes have served as a model for that ideal group of friends we all wish we had, unless of course we're lucky enough to have found it.

We have not been voyeurs in the lives of these women--we have been participants. Because Carrie narrated to us as things happened, because she asked so many questions rather than only giving answers, we have all become involved in this collection of amazing friendships. We have desired these bonds, we've felt this love, and we strive to maintain these in our hectic lives, so we feel that for a half an hour every Sunday night we're just one of these girls.

We've feared with Miranda and played men with Samantha. We've rejoiced with Charlotte, and cried, and rejoiced again. With Carrie we've fallen in love, been needy, hated men, and searched for all the answers. As the characters questioned their own lives, so did we. We found these answers within ourselves.

The last episode was not about each of the women finding love. The last episode was about each of the women finding themselves and letting themselves be truly loved for all that they are. Yeah, some of it was dependent on the guys--Big made quite the effort (finally) and Smith is the man of all of our dreams--but none of that could have happened without the women's quest for answers within themselves.

Samantha finally admitted that she wanted real love, that she wanted more than sex, and she finally accepted Smith's efforts at a real relationship.

Charlotte finally found her happy ending. He wasn't tall, dark, and handsome, but short, bald, and Jewish started looking pretty good to her. The baby wasn't hers and wasn't the perfect little blonde prep school kid, but that beautiful little girl from China would be their daughter.

Miranda found herself capable of real, truly deep love in a house in Brooklyn with a real family. The single cynical lawyer found herself bathing her mother-in-law. She had a family.

And Carrie. Carrie stopped looking for the archetype. She stopped waiting for that guy who would come rescue her and whisk her away from it all. When one whisked her off to Paris, she left him to go back. When Big came to rescue her, she tripped him. She took Big out of the archetype and made him real. Made him part of her life instead of something that would take her out of her life.

Sex and the City taught us a bit about New York, a bit more about designer shoes, a little about love, a lot about sex, and a whole heck of a lot about real friendship. Most of all, though, it taught us how to ask the right questions and find the answers within our hearts. Sex and the City taught us about ourselves.

I went to court. it sucked a major bearded billygoatass (we have
stuffed goats at bn, by the way).

I waited 3 hours to appear before the judge for 3 minutes. I got a
$150 fine plus $70 court costs. This would be okay except that a) I
could have prevented it if I hadn't been such a dumbass and had actually called to make sure my check had been received and b) if there weren't other people with much worse offenses who got off paying less money.

First of all...everyone in friggin hickville missouri (known technically as Houston, population 1,971, county seat of Texas county (cute with the houston, tx, thing, huh?)) is really poor, unemployed, drunk, pot smoking, and completely uneducated. The judge absolutely did not feel sorry for me at all. He was very nice and we chatted a bit, but I was there in my black pants and button down shirt while everyone else was in holy jeans and torn tshirts. Didn't really help me with the not being able to pay the fine look. Also, everyone knew each other. Not like small town know each other, but like small jailhouse knew each other. One person would get up and during their statement would put in a "good word" for a case that had already been before the court. Funny shit.

Second...there were a bazillion pot and dwi cases. That's normal.
Most people who did either of those got some kind of probation and a
2 or 3 hundred dollar fine. However, there were two marijuana
possession cases that only got a $50 fine, and four dwi cases that
got an $80.50 fine. How is that fair? All I friggin did was fuck up
the speeding ticket payment and I have to pay a hell of a lot more
than that. No matter people drive drunk all the friggin
time...nobody gives a shit out here. I mean, I know when there are
only two people in the town it's not as big of a deal, but tractors
do more damage than cars so it should balance out, right?

Anyway, my record is cool, the drivers license points are down to 2,
the judge was amazed that I had everything in the order I did, and i
just owe a shitload of money. Will not be a speed demon anytime in
the near future. Bah.

I'm sick. I've been sick. Ugh. Already missed two days of work. NOT FUN! Blah.

I have to go to court on Wednesday. I've never gone to court. I'm terrified. Ack!

Back in the fall I got a speeding ticket in Kansas City. It didn't have a fine on it so I waited for a letter. I got the letter wayyy later with an additional late fee on it. Yeah, my fault for not calling, but whatever. So I paid the ticket and the late fee. I paid it a few days too late, however, because I got another letter telling me that they had suspended my drivers license. No biggie, the way to fix it is to pay the ticket and a 20 dollar fee, so I sent in the 20 dollar fee to Jeff City and thought all was good. Well, on the way to Memphis in January I got pulled over for speeding (yeah, lead foot, I know) and the cop told me I still had a suspended driver's license. I told him I had paid it, he told me he believed me and wouldn't charge me the $500 bond I'm supposed to pay and let me go. He told me I could call the prosecuting attorney and take care of it and it wouldn't be a big deal. So I paid the speeding ticket and called the prosecuting attorney. They were evil and mean to me and told me they couldn't help me and that I had to call Dep of Revenue. So I called Dep of Revenue and they told me they couldn't help me and to call the prosecuting attorney.

I need a machete. (bonus points to any non mandys who know that reference)

So I basically pleaded with DOR and she went and checked on some things and told me that basically she showed proof that I had paid the ticket and then she had somethign that showed I sent a payment for a fee (probably the 20 bucks) but that it was considered unidentifiable payment because my DL number wasn't on it and they sent it back to me. (Unsure how it was unidentifiable AND identified as mine, but whatevs). However, I never received this letter. So anyway, she's having a letter sent to my house to show that I DID send in the payment LONG before the cop pulled me over. Also, I have to go pay the $20 AGAIN and take it to the DMV to get a letter that shows my DL is reinstated. So I'm thinking, okay, I can send in the letter, the ticket, and the fine of $80.50 for driving without a valid drivers license and not have to deal with taking off work, driving to the middle of nowhere in hillbillyville faraway and paying outrageous court costs and all. But today I called to find out what all needed to be sent with the fine and the nice person that answered the phone (as opposed to evil one I talked with many times earlier) told me that I had to appear in court no matter what. So now I have to take off work Wednesday, lose the pay for that day, piss off my bosses, drive to Hickville (as if I'm not already in it), appear in court (scary), and do whatever they tell me to do. I am absolutely terrified. Hair-pulling, fingernail-biting stressed out and absolutely positively terrified. What if I don't have the money? Can they put me in jail? Ack! I have no clue what to do. Someone tell me it's going to be okay. Someone give me advice. Someone tell me they've been through this and it's not a big deal. Someone give me a shot of valium or something. Geez. Help.

I'm a dork.

So Mom and I NEVER use the front door. It's too much of a hike up the stairs for her and I just kind of adapted to using the back as well. Today the cable guy came to the front door, and when we stepped onto the porch we found a package. Jean had sent me stuff from Mexico back before Christmas, and I just NOW got it. I'm surprised it was still out there.

SOOOOO nice to get a package when you aren't expecting it, though. :) Woo hoo!

Thursday night I went out with Corey and another chick from work to watch one of our managers play in his band. It was fun, but after awhile we decided to head over to the piano bar instead. So Corey and I get up and salsa (he's a fab dancer, by the way...one of the few guys who could actually lead with me) and all of a sudden everyone sits down and there's a huge spotlight in my face. The guy tells me to come up on stage and he makes a lot of comments about me being tall and him thinking I was hot and just generic stuff. Then he tells me he just wanted to dance with me and dances with his head shoved into my chest, basically, for a few minutes. Eventually he tells me I can go sit down and he says something about what he'd do if he could go home with me because of the long legs, blah blah.

So THEN, this girl comes up and sits down next to me with her boyfriend and says she has an odd question. She tells me they've been wanting to do a threesome and she thinks I'm hot and wondered if I would do it with her. I seriously just said wow like 8 times before I could muster up a reply.

That's a new one on me. Never been invited to do a threesome. Corey got all cute and offended because he thought they'd think we were together. Attempted comfort by telling him they could tell he was gay b/c he was such a good dresser and dancer. All in all, it was a very good night. :)

Apparently now at work people are going around singing the three's company theme song. :)

Sincere apologies to all those who put up with my drunk self last night. Many thanks!

*sigh* Carolina lost on a field goal. Couldn't ol' Vit boy miss that one? Geez.

On a more positive note...I'm the stage manager for the Wash U Relay For Life! Tres excited! Woo hoo!

In direct opposition to the last post, I woke up at 7am today. What the hell? Who wakes up at 7 on a Sunday when they have nothing they have to do all day? Def. not me. Strange happenings.

You know how when you sleep too late during the day you get really weird dreams? You don't? Well, that happens to me. Except mine are always nightmares.

Horrible awful nightmares that leave me feeling a bit quiet and withdrawn for a good chunk of time after I wake up.

So the nightmare that has left me feeling a bit shaky this afternoon?

I was living with a man. No romance involved, but jealousy enough on his part to imply interest, I think. I felt a great deal of gratitude toward him. He expected me to eat only certain things and certain amounts at certain times. I was required to do this and that and had to ask permission for just about everything. I tiptoed around the house hoping to avoid him.

At some point a tall wonderful man came in and took me out, showed me it didn't have to be like that, told me the guy was an ass...when I got home, I packed my bags and left.

I sit here now, feeling as shaky as I would had I dreamt of an evil monster eating me from the toes up.

Rather telling, don't ya think?