In regards to my post about someone taking the keys, a friend told me he thought the women's lib movement was all about letting the women drive. My response:

Women don't always want to be driven, we just want someone who's willing to step up to the plate and put the effort into the relationship...someone has to believe a relationship can work and have faith and work to make it happen. If one person is scared or tired or whatever it is that's holding them back, they are less likely to fight to make something happen. If there is another person who believes, who can instill a bit of hope and faith, who can make a little bit of effort to show the other how to do it all again, and that it's worth doing...it can work. Driving is being the person who makes the effort. Being the person who believes it can work.

I'm all about women's lib. I can go out and get any man I want. I have no problem asking a guy out or making the first move or whatever...but when it comes to actually starting a real relationship, I'm too fucking tired to deal with it. I'm not cynical, but I'm certainly not super optimistic, either. I've put way too much effort into it the last few times and not gotten anything back. The next time I actually get into a relationship, someone else is gonna have to do some major reparation. That sucks, I know, and it's not fair. But life's not fair. I've been in relationships since the last big heartbreak, but they were all me not being really involved and just going with the flow until I got bored with it. The guys thought they got through just because I seemed happy, and I got bored with them because we hadn't actually made a real connection. Nobody went past everything I put out for them to see. When someone gets past that...when i WANT someone to get past that, and when he makes an effort, maybe something real and better can happen. That's definitely going to require a guy who knows how to drive, and one who doesn't mind taking the scenic backroads, because it's gonna take one hell of a long time. Most men aren't up for that. I don't blame em...I'm not about to take that initiative with anyone. That's what driving is about. Not about the man taking control, or the woman being incapable...just about me being too damn tired to deal with it all. :)

fuck fuck FUUUUUUUCK

Who wants to buy me a car?

A glimpse into my life

Provided thoughtfully by author and psychic Leslie Schnur.


'She leaned against him, her shoulder against his arm. He turned to her, and he took her hand in his.

A few minutes later, he broke the silence.
"I haven't done this in a very long time." I can't tell her the truth, is what he was thinking.
"Me neither," she said. And I don't know if I can go through this again.
"I'm not sure I can." Besides, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.
"Me neither," she said again, wanting to smack herself. Though it was true.
"Maybe we should forget it." God, I want to kiss you, to...
"You're dropping me before we've even gotten started?" She made him laugh. Her stomach hurt. She pulled her hand from his.
"Somebody, in every new relationship, has to drive the train, to run the machine," he said. The last time, look what happened.
"Well, I don't drive. I'm a city girl," she said. Please don't do this.
He laughed. "Someone has to pursue the other. Or else you can't get to the next stop." Fight with me!
"Well, I'm not going to do it." Fuck him.
"Me neither." Screw you!
"So this will be the first love affair with no people," she said, looking down at her feet.
"A lot simpler than if it were populated." He turned to look at her. She's only here because thinks I'm someone else.
"It could last years." Kiss me, please.
"Or it'll go nowhere. It's not as if a new relationship can propel itself. It can simply putter out and stall on the side of the road," he said, now sounding anxious. "One could get hurt."
She challenged him. "Well, why aren't you brave? It's not important enough to you?" Fuck you!
"Me? Why not you? Who said that the man has to do it? What are you, a sexist pig?" Don't you see? I'm not who you really want.
"Yeah. SO I'd like to be pursued. So shoot me." Kiss me!
"I don't have to shoot you. Shoot yourself. I'm sick of having to be the one to drive the car! You know what it's like to drive the Expressway? Awful! That's what it's like. Trucks, old ladies with blue hair who can't see over the wheel, terrible drivers--"
"Drivers with a sense of entitlement . Feel they can cut you off, run you over simply because they're driving a Jag or a Hummer." she said.
"Hummers should be illegal. What, eight, nine miles to the gallon?"
"I totally agree!" She smiled. He's wonderful. She slipped her hand back into his.
"It's really a shame," to put it mildly, he said, squeezing her hand. "And all because we're wimps." And because you want me to be someone I'm not.
"Just fearful." Why is this so hard?
"I know." Show me it's me you really like and not a guy you're imagining.
"Well, this was fun." Yeah, right. She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms around her waist.
"I just need some time. I know that sounds...but can I call you?" When I get the balls?
"Why?" Oh God, yes.
"If I learn to drive?" To show you who I really am?
"God, yes. The minute one of us is willing or able to drive, we have to promise to call the other." I won't do it.
"I promise." And you'll be disappointed.
"Me, too." Please.
And they stood there for a few more minutes, in silence, leaning against each other, before heading back uptown.'



*sigh* Doesn't anyone wanna take the keys?

The last scene of 24 tonight was Jack Bauer crying in his car.

Awwwww, Kiefer, honey, I'll make you forget all about it. :)

Van Halen has a new single!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock on!

"It's About Time"

hell yeah, it is


NOBODY out there now has this kind of energy. SOOOOO glad there's something new :)

Wash U's 2004 Commencement address, by Thomas Friedman. Read it.

I have come to the absolute conclusion that I cannot be romantically involved with someone who cannot speak English correctly. ESPECIALLY if English was their first language. Seriously. I don't expect perfection all the time, I make constant mistakes...but subject/verb agreement is important, I think. Is I wrong? :) It just makes me cringe.

So maybe I'm a bitch, but I'm a bitch who respects the language a little too much to see it completely butchered.

Cute recycling guy has been MIA for awhile. How sad.

My car is evil. I really need to get a new one. May not have a choice soon. Have NO f*in clue how I'm going to pay for that, though. *sigh*

ATTENTION ALL SPRINGFIELD FOLK!!!

I am running a summer reading group at Barnes and Noble. It will be the fourth Monday of every month this summer at 7pm. Monday, May 24th, we're reading Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods. Monday, June 28th, we'll be reading Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes. Yes, I know, not the most intellectual of all choices, but the success of the group is determined by how many people it brings into the store, not by the quality of the discussion. And the amount of people it brings into the store determines whether I continue to get paid for talking about books for two hours. So come check it out if you're in the area. You can call Barnes & Noble for more info at 885-0026.

Shit, I just realized I printed June 21st on my flyers. Ugh.

More from today's reading...

The criteria by which a new minority religion is determined to be dangerous and/or a cult:

1. The organization is willing to place itself above the law.

2. The leadership dictates (rather than suggests) important personal (as opposed to spiritual)details of followers' lives, such as whom to marry, what to study in college, etc.

3. The leader sets forth ethical guidelines members must follow but from which the leader is exempt.

4. The group is preparing to fight a literal, physical Armageddon against other human beings.

5. The leader regularly makes public assertions that he or she knows are false and/or the group has a policy of routinely deceiving outsiders.

from Odd Gods, by James Lewis

On Penis Size

by Michael Thomas Ford

Take the issue of big dicks. I confess that I have something of a fondness for them, and for some time I fantasized about finding a man who had one that would defy description. Well, you should always be careful what you wish for. My fantasy materialized one night in the form of a very tall, very large, very handsome German man. When he undid his jeans and I saw what lay beneath, I had to be revived by a splash of cold water to the face.


But alas, Gunther had one small problem. Or rather, one very large problem. For while his dick was indeed of Teutonic proportions, getting it filled to capacity with the blood necessary to make it hard meant that other areas of his body had to do without. Unfortunately the result of an erection was that his brain was unable to function fully, making sex with him about as exciting as the Doctor Who reruns he insisted on watching during lovemaking.

And when he was erect, there was this tiny matter of what to do with something so large. While it was kind of fun to play with him, it was a little like swinging a Wiffle bat around. Getting my mouth around the whole thing would have required installing hinges, and just the thought of him trying to put it anywhere else made me feel faint. While I tried valiantly to make the most of his natural gifts, in the end I had to abandon Gunther to someone with more relaxed throat muscles and no fear of a future marred by the inconvenience of incontinence.

Watching The Bad Seed. If you don't know it, it's that really old movie where there's this perfect little girl who is actually sociopathic. It came out before anyone actually knew that sociopathic was something you could have without it being a product of the environment. Really creepy perfectly nice little blond chick (so sure Village of the Damned was based on the creepy whitish blond hair) is total psycho with no remorse or regret. Creepy as hell movie. Soooooo good.

I finally managed to get some rest, but now I'm dying to go out and have some fun. Blah. Too bad anywhere worth going is at least 4 bucks worth of gas away. Can't really justify driving into town when prices are this high. Ozark needs a coffee shop. A good one. What's the point of having a day of rest if you can't rest because you're so used to always going and going?

There's a point in your life when you realize that you can no longer do the things you did in college. I once thought that was because you were old enough that your body couldn't handle it anymore. While that is the case later on, perhaps, it is not always. Sometimes it's just because you realize how friggin stupid you were in college.

Bah.

Never again.

Is it normal to get a little bit jealous when someone moves in on your territory, even when that territory is difficult to define? We went to Mud Lounge tonight and met this random chick. Corey thought he knew her, and it turns out they made out years ago at some big party where everyone was really drunk. Okay, so the Grace moment lasted just a bit...not because I wanna make out with him, but because that's something we haven't shared as friends. That's great and all, but when it has happened with a random person, it makes it feel a little weird. Then to add to that, she's totally friggin cool, but also totally dominant in a conversation. Like me, she must be the center of attention. Two of us just don't work well in the same group. And then there's the whole, she's graduating college and actually doing the go off to Germany thing. And she speaks better German than I do. And she's tall, but not as tall as I am. Seriously...she's like me, but a seemingly better version. It definitely makes me jealous and a little insecure. Ugh. Not a good feeling. Especially when I actually like her. Bah. So much for being all excited that I went out in friggin Springfield and met random people and hung out and made friends. Someone tell me to get over myself. Seriously.

Okay...EVERYBODY in the world needs to see Love Actually.

AMAZINGFUCKINGINCREDIBLE movie. I wanna see it again. Like right now. Go see it if you haven't. That's an order.

Saw the cute recycling guy again, but didn't have a chance to talk to him at that moment. Means he probably IS a regular. Good things.

So there's this cute bartender at the Mud Lounge, where Corey and I go all the time. We lightly flirted, or he was just nice to me I guess, the first time I saw him when I asked him to make me a Mojito and he thought he could, but then it sucked and he didn't want to sell it to me. I asked one of the servers if that guy had a ring on his finger, and she told me he was straight, available, and shy. She definitely told him and he kind of avoided looking at me most of the night. We kept this little slight weirdness thing up for awhile. I basically decided I needed to let it go for a couple of reasons. 1. If he did go for me, I'd just break his heart anyway (given that he's too damn nice for me) and then we could never go back to mud lounge. and 2. Corey pointed out that I could be coming off somewhat stalkerish. So I let it go and that was that. But he's still cute.

Well last night we went to Spfld Brewing Co and in walks the bartender with a couple of friends. We have a good laugh over it, I decide I'm going to ignore him, and that's that. Well, then this chick Corey knows b/c she used to work at BN comes over and SHE knows him. Not only is he a super sweet guy, but he's moving soon. That takes care of the heartbreak/not being able to go to mud lounge issue. Then she tells me he's moving to San Francisco. Corey and I just look at each other b/c I'm soooo destined to hit on this one. I still play it kinda cool until later on when she tells me he's moving there to get his grad degree in...dun dun dun...photography. Well, I'm fucked. I had no control. I went over to him, talked to him about San Fran, and handed him my number. He's soooo cute in a cute little shy boy way. And he's moving soon. Dude, he needs a fling, and I am soooo the best fling provider in the world. Seriously. My only problem is that he probably does thing I'm a stalker. That or he thinks I'm with Corey and I'm just bitchy enough to hit on him while my bf's nearby. Well, now he has my number, and I'll never be able to face him again at Mud lounge. That's life. :)