Capital One Handles Account Holder Death with Grace and Assurance

I know most of us think of credit card companies as awful - and I agree they often are. But today I encountered a human and surprisingly ethical side of Capital One that I had to share.

I called the bank to tell them that my mother had passed away, fully expecting them to ask me to pay the balance on her cards. Other debtors have already tried to push me into paying her debts, even though legally I'm personally not responsible for any of these financial obligations. I thought Capital One would be the worst. Obviously I was wrong or I wouldn't be writing this post.

First of all, they have a dedicated line that when you call, they know you have lost someone. Meaning - that person on the other end is prepared for what you are dealing with and knows how to handle it right away. The first thing she said to me was that she was sorry for my loss and she wanted to make the process as simple as possible - before I even told her why I was calling. They don't require a death certificate, which makes things so much easier, and the process wrapped up in about 2 minutes. The other 3-5 minutes or so were the representative expressing her condolences, and then the thing that surprised me:

Rather than trying to get me to pay, the representative firmly stated that I am not responsible for the balance. Only the estate, if there is an estate, is responsible, and I should not make any payments to any creditors holding accounts in my mother's name. She reiterated this several times.

I knew this already, but I thought I was going to have to be the one defending that. I was so surprised that someone representing a large bank would be so adamant about my rights.

So thank you, Capital One, for making this easier. And for making sure you're not exploiting grieving families.

Abstract Comfort

When he arrives

            with red roses

            [so common and impersonal]

            not orchids

            or daisies,

I seek comfort.

Or when she comes with me,

            only because I begged,

            ["His friend is great,"

            I told her.]

            and has more fun

            with her date,

            dancing and laughing,

            than I do

            with the double left-footed man

            sharing my side of the booth

            at the pub on the corner,

I seek comfort.

Or when everything is wrong

            even when all is right,

            and the tears come

            for no obvious reason-

Mittelschmerz-

            as the old German woman,

            with all the cats,

            [my sweet mother]

            calls it,

I seek comfort.

I find it-

In the room I've known since childhood

            lying back in the bed

            that has felt my weight

            so many times in the past.

In an array of lines above me,

            light pouring out between the panels

            of my old reading lamp,

            creating a colorless Picasso

            for me alone

            to experience.

The scribbles

[long crooked fingers]

            draw me up

            to where roses fade into daisies

            [such simple white and yellow petals]

and a podiatrist,

            a small creature with glasses

            that magnify his curious eyes

            [tiny little frog man]

            stands at the entrance of the pub

            covering the words

            [please wait to be seated]

            on the welcome sign,

            offering free foot transplants.

The corners of my mouth rise

into a satisfied grin

as I find

my abstract comfort.

Subtext to every request to be CC'd

From a friend's experience with her consultant:

"When you send the brief to the client, can you CC me . . . so I can see how you twist my words?"

 

Normal exchange at mom's house

mom: Judge Judy is on!
mom's husband: that smart-mouthed woman
me: there's nothing wrong with a smart-mouthed woman
mom's husband: oh we've got miss women's lib over here
mom: yeah, and who do you think taught her that?

We Still Need Feminism

This post is most likely going to come across a little disorganized and a lot emotional, and I've decided I'm okay with that. And I'm gonna pull a John Oliver on this one and promise you that if you can get through this one with me I'll reward you with funny cats at the end.

A couple of weeks ago Buzzfeed took a tumblr viral when it critically posted that 14 women posted why they were against feminism. I say critically because the intent of the post was to highlight the idiocy of the tumblr (read the URL: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossalynwarren/i-do-not-think-it-means-what-you-think-it-means), but in doing so they gave so many more people access to this hurtful, ignorant website.

Just look at some of the pictures on this website. Some of them have understandable reasons they've been hurt by radical feminists. But some of them are just ignorant. "I enjoy being a homemaker..."???? Being a feminist gives you the choice to do that OR go to work. Glad you enjoy it, some women don't. Do you think everyone should HAVE to? fahsdklfhghdaios;hjsgfjs;gj; < me hitting my head on my keyboard

I have some unorganized thoughts on this that I need to get out, and I really hope you can just hang with me for a minute on this one:

I Kinda Sorta Maybe Halfway Understand - ISH:

• I once was a young woman who didn't want to be called a feminist - I thought feminists weren't feminine.
• I want to be a stay at home mom for a couple of years at least. I LOVE the idea of having a man who can care for me - that didn't sound very feminist to me before I became educated about feminism.
• I don't want to be associated with the people who go overboard. I am not a radical. I am not an extremist. 
• I believe there is a difference between men and women and used to not understand that most feminists understand this, too.

And Now the Harsh Truth of What I Really Believe...
YOU do not get to make ANY judgments against feminism to me IF you have never:

• been told to keep your mouth shut because it's a client and it doesn't matter if it's sexual harassment.
• been raped.
• been paid less than your male peers when you work more than they do.
• been abused.
• been told you didn't get the job because they think you'll want to have babies soon.
• been kept out of meetings that you made happen because only men were invited.
• seen how women outside our borders are treated.
• been told you were a bitch when the man who did the same thing was aggressive and doing his job well.
• had a relationship not work out because you make more than the guy.
• been told you were asking for it.
• been delegated to party planning and ordering everyone's lunches when you outrank everyone at the table.
• been told, "girls can't/don't do that."

Polly Young-Eisendrath's definition of feminism is STILL my favorite ever:

“A discipline of thought and action that aims to enhance mutuality and trust among all people; to reveal the meanings of gender differences, especially as these might interfere with reciprocity and trust… and to oppose all models and methods of dominance-submission for relationships among people. What feminism has revealed, in its many forms from theology to literary criticism to psychology and philosophy, is that the silencing and trivializing of women and their ideas affect all of us all of the time in the way that we expect the world and ourselves to be.”

And feminism is ABSOLUTELY still necessary. 
There are so many studies and well-written articles on why it's ridiculous. Here are a few:

• http://www.pay-equity.org/day.html - Women will have to work through April 14, 2015 to make what men will make in 2014.
• http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/bloggers/why-feminism-still-matters-in-2014.1394191059 - 2/week in the world are killed by a current or former male partner, 1/4 women are victims of domestic violence.
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-solod/feminism_b_1693029.html - young women have a choice: pretty and married or successful and bitchy.
• http://listverse.com/2013/03/16/10-reasons-we-still-need-feminism/ - because many countries still remove women's clits without anesthetic, marry them off before puberty, and sell them into prostitution.
• http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2014/04/23/yes-we-still-need-feminism/ - b/c we are constantly faced with new challenges in an evolving world

My favorite response comes from an artist named Rebecca Vipond Brink. I think she's fabulous. And I think her response is on point: http://www.flareandfade.com/i-dont-need-feminism-because/

And now, those promised cats:  http://confusedcatsagainstfeminism.tumblr.com/

Thanks for listening.

Your Argument is Invalid

Sometimes at work when someone is asking for something I don't want to do, I feel like busting out with, "I just had back surgery!"

Saturday Ego Boost

I decided to take a day off from life today.

Not entirely, but I definitely skipped the Cardinals game I was gonna go watch and hung out inside all day even thought it's gorgeous outside. I'm feeling pretty crappy because I'm not used to being back at work and physical therapy seriously kicked my ass today.

So I BARELY made it to the corner market this afternoon to pick up a healthy alternative to whatever crap is in my freezer. Unwashed hair pulled up without even looking in a mirror. Glasses. Cropped pajama pants with a hoodie. I have no shame when it comes to my corner market. And I blend in with the druggies.

On the way out, though, pretty attractive tall guy asks me if he can ask me a local question. He asks about my favorite sushi places nearby, which of course in San Francisco turns into a conversation because I had to ask "rolls or sashimi?" and "quality or economy?" He clearly knows all of the places I mention, which I comment on. This prompts him to ask me to go with him to dinner and let him buy me a beer.

My first thought was that he didn't seem drunk. My second was my response - I gestured to myself and said, "have you seen how I'm dressed right now?" He further tried to convince me. Maybe I should have taken him up on it - he's gotta have a good story, but I'm just not up for meeting someone new at the moment. I told him he caught me on a bad day, and that another time that would have totally worked. We said our goodbyes and I walked down the hill to go back to my day off of life and rest. Smiling all the way.

Ego incredibly boosted.

how my suppliers think of me

It's not often that you get unsolicited feedback from people you manage. For the past 2 years I've been on a project in which I managed supplier teams through a major transformation. At times my personality came through and I served as their ally, but my job was to make a lot of demands on them and make sure they met commitments. In fact, my client feedback after 3 weeks on the project was that I need to be a more of a bitch.

Despite that, the person at the supplier who was my primary contact just sent me a touching thank you email. My favorite favorite part, that I think tells so much about me:

"[You were] always asking for more, sometimes difficult but never impossible."

This just makes me smile. I'm so thankful for this.

Apparently I'm Giving Up Exercise for Lent

Had my surgery follow up today.

Good news: I'm apparently doing extremely well. The residual pain and tingling is normal and could last a few months. The nerve was compressed for so long that it just takes time to heal. Also, this new pain I'm having in my foot is normal - which is a huge relief. Apparently when they hold the nerve back during the surgery, they can cause pain effects in unexpected places for awhile afterward. I no longer have to wear any bandages, and I can take showers without worrying about it. All great stuff.

Bad news: I can't take a bath for AT LEAST 4 more weeks. I'm a long bath girl. This is doable, but it's a little bit of torture. The harder news is the recovery period. I had been under the impression that I would be cleared to start physical therapy again after this appointment. I was sooooo wrong. I'm not cleared to do ANYTHING - not even the tiniest of exercises or bending - for 4 more weeks.

In my surgery, they removed the part of the disc material that had pushed into the spinal cavity, but they left most of the disc in place. This means that if I stress it at all, I can push the remaining material out and be back in the same position needing surgery again. So I'm not even supposed to be bending down for the next 4 weeks even though I feel totally capable.

This is the only time that I can legitimately say giving up exercise for Lent would actually be a sacrifice. Which I say as if I've done Lent anytime in the last 10 years.

Back in the Office

Today was my first and last day back in the office for awhile.

It was the first day back in person since the week before my surgery.
Definitely a little overwhelming. Super productive and reminded me that I am a valuable professional who doesn't just lie around watching cats and bad tv all day. But sitting so long - both in the car and in the conference room - was definitely painful. I should have had someone take a picture, but I definitely was lying on the floor working for an hour or so in the afternoon. The Deloitte guys told me they were going to find a couch to bring in until I told them it was my last day.

Onto that...

It was also my last day on site for this project.
I've been on this project almost two years. That's a long time to just let go so unceremoniously. A lot of people expressed surprise/frustration that I wasn't having some kind of going away shindig. Fact is, it happened last Tuesday, but I was busy recovering from the surgery because it had to be pushed up when I couldn't move. The plus side of this is that I felt incredibly loved every time I told someone it was my last day and watched their face fall. I'm so thankful for this amazing team and am seriously sad to leave. It is possible I even got a little teary eyed when my suppliers thanked me.

And now, sleep after this long lovely day before a couple more weeks of rest.

First Shower in Almost 2 Weeks

Today I decided I was done with the cup and washcloth method of bathing. Figured this red duct tape would do the trick.

Quickly learned that duct tape is not waterproof against skin. All good, though - I immediately dried off and replaced the dressing, and I feel a little more me again. Step by step. Oooh baby.

Reminder that I live in a City

On my way home yesterday I passed a small group of kids (kids = probably academy of art students) putting a box onto the edge of the street. One girl yelled, "don't tip it over, just set it down!"

Then the group yelled, "C'mon Charlie!" and a giant rat wiggled its way out and onto the road.

All I could think was, that's a terrible place to let a rat go - he's going to get run over.

Hope you made it, Charlie.

Cabin Fever

I'm starting to get so restless hanging out in the house.

I've been tapering down my painkillers so my mind is much more clear, but there's a little more pain. I know I still need to rest, but I feel so tired of resting and I just want to go do stuff. I have all of these projects I want to do in the house and I get inspired but as soon as I get up to try one it's too much.

Last night Nolan peed under the bed. I thought I could leave it until morning but the smell was just too overwhelming. I somehow managed to pull my entire bed out away from the wall (thank god I had it on little sliders so it wasn't heavy), scrub the floor, and move my storage bins over the spot so he couldn't get back there again.

I did it, I felt good getting it done. but an hour later I was in so much pain. I know it was stupid, but who am I gonna call at 2am to come move my bed and clean up cat pee?

I'm bored. I'm tired of being helpless. I'm feeling so much better and so excited to be a human again, but I'm still not quite there and it's driving me crazy.

Kittens are only entertaining for so long.

Two Things

1. I am the best ever at applying bandages in the mirror.

2. People who apply bandages in hospitals should take basic engineering into account. I have spent the last 2 days screaming in pain because the incision is raised and it touches the bed when I lie down. I put extra gauze on the sides to build a bridge and no more pain. Not genius, but apparently takes one to implement.

Figuring Out Life at Home

Cat sitter is going to continue coming for a few days until I feel okay doing it on my own.

Amy gave me some leftovers and I can work with friends and delivery services to get fed.

Will use task rabbit and homejoy to get the house all spic and span again.

But laundry, well, laundry is tough. I used to have the laundromat across the street do my wash and fold and they would deliver. They have new ownership and have replaced that service with laundry locker. Problem is that Laundry Locker won't pick up or deliver from my home. I've got a call into the COO to see if he can work something out with me, but if not, what can I do? Are there other wash and fold delivery options that aren't ridiculously expensive?

Dozi is Keeping Watch

Day 2 Post Surgery

I was going to do a video post but, a) my voice isn't really working and b) it seems a little deceptive to have not done one yesterday when i felt awesome.

So instead, this is what's going on:

I was fine until i went to bed. But then my neck and shoulders started to hurt. My neck feels like I've been strangled and there are no muscles holding it up.

Also, all of a sudden the incision site is extremely painful. Any movement any touch... which means I can no longer lie on my back.

Not really sure how to handle today. Right now I'm just lingering in bed on my side trying to support my neck enough that it doesn't scream in pain.

A Giant Piece of Disc!

I'm all set up at Amy's house for the next few days. She's taking very good care of me. I'm already walking and can do stairs slowly with a rail.

Amy talked with the doctor last night and he excitedly told her about the size of the disc portion he removed. He said on a scale of 1-10, this was really really big. Apparently they are normally the size of half of the pinky finger or so, but this was the size of his index finger. HUGE. He said that it was no wonder I was in so much pain because it was taking up so much room.

If you're easily grossed out, close this window now. Otherwise, scroll down for a picture of the piece they removed.

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Post surgery update

I feel awesome.

I mean, yes I'm sore, and some of the pain will stick around for a few days, but I'm on Tylenol only at the moment and i can turn over in bed, sit up slowly, stand, and even walk a little.

Don't get me wrong -- i hurt a lot. But the comparison is super easy.  I am a gajillion times more myself today than i was yesterday.  And thank goodness for that because 8 hours in a gurney having not eaten or had anything to drink and not knowing when they were going to take me in -- that was agony.

So so happy right now. Looking forward to a few days of rest that might actually feel restful.

Morning after

This is my view right now.