Sunshine-y Thoughts

I asked the Mandys to send me sunny thoughts. Mandyreen's reply?

1) Barry Manilow in a gold lamé thong
2) Richard Simmons eyeing Barry longingly
3) Both of them doing Sweating to the 70's Ballads

I'm sure Ricardo does a mean Mandy interpretative dance!

Yeah, my face is a bit more smiley :)

Happy Camper Anxiety

A meeting was held this morning to determine the future of Happy Camper. Right now, my boss is away finding out the results of that meeting. When she comes back, she will know the future of my job. For all I know, I could be asked to pack up and leave today. I'm just a teensy bit on edge. Anyone wanna buy me a drink?

Shout out to the L-Dawg

Linz is the most beautiful, most amazing person I have ever encountered. She is always there to help you with anything you need. She has the greatest circle of friends and you know if Linz loves em, you're going to love em, too. She introduced me to the only church where I've really felt at home, and makes me long to be back there with her tales of sermons and random adventures. Linz has a heart bigger than a two-trunked pink elephant and shares it with everyone who receives her smile. Sometimes she laughs when you cry, but only as she's hugging you and telling you how beautiful you are...she has true faith that all will be well so she offers up humor rather than pity. Linz shakes your world with excitement over what you used to think were the most mundane things. She gets you pumped up and laughing even when life has you curled up in the fetal position. Everyone needs a Linz. Few of us are lucky enough to have one. I am bless.

I miss you, Murl.

Check out Linzer's fantastic blog!

My sunny disposition

I just read over the past few blogs and realized how horribly depressed I sound. Well, that's cause I was when I wrote them, I guess. Things aren't going great with Happy Camper, but I have hope for what can happen now. And the boy and I are just fine and dandy. Just thought I'd let you know I hadn't crawled into a hole to die. The sun is shining and life gets better every day.

A good friend sent me this story and it made me smile during a period of frustration and confusion:

This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:

I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die. I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me." I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

"Their love is deeper than desire, than affection, than respect, so deep that its wellspring is humor. Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other."
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy

Not so happy camper

I have to find a new job. I'm very frustrated. Help.

What it's all about:

http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html

Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.

First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH

Screenname: How have you been?
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard

When you spiral down into an emotional pit, it's difficult to see the other side of things. Even when it only lasts a few days, it feels like things will at the best be numb for awhile. I felt like there was no resolution and I just had to wait it all out to let the emotions blow over. Who would have thought that one well spoken statement could change it all. Everything looks brighter, the pressure has lifted away from my chest a bit, and my eyes sure as hell don't hurt as much. It's amazing what a little communication--real communication--can do.

Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.

Happy Camper Frustrations

It’s already been a rough day. My boss called me in to ask me about my time sheet that I turned into her for payroll. She told me that we have to have discussions about events that I attend because I shouldn’t be getting paid for them. My understanding is that she was speaking for the board and not herself, but she told me that salaried employees were “volunteering” their time, so I should be, too. I pointed out that salaried employees get to leave for doctor appointments or car check ups or what not without taking a dock in their pay, so they make up for it by working after hours events occasionally and it all evens out. I, however, don’t get to leave, or be five minutes late, without taking a dock in my pay because my paycheck is based on what’s recorded on paper. Therefore, when I have to work events and such it is extra time, not part of a balance like it is with the salaried employees. I pointed out to her that when she and the program services manager were sick and stayed home from work, they didn’t take a dock in their pay, but I didn’t get paid at all for those hours I was gone. She said that salaried employees accrue sick time. I told her that I accrue sick time, too, but NONE of us get to take it until we’ve been here six months. They’ve both already taken some. She told me that the board discussion was simply that we had to talk about events and determine whether they would be volunteer events for me. I told her very frankly that I would not do them if they were volunteer events. She told me I didn’t need to get that way with her. I calmed a bit and said that it wasn’t about her, I was frustrated with the board, and that with the way they have been treating us lately I will not be doing volunteer work. I will gladly volunteer as a wishgranter, but I will not volunteer time that I’ve been getting paid for and that I should have as my sole job anyway. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but that I was very frustrated with the board. She told me that it wasn’t my job to worry about the board, she was doing that. Except that it’s everything about my life that it’s affecting. Anyway, I went back in a few minutes later and just apologized for getting defensive. She told me it was no problem, she didn’t blame me, and then we moved on to happier conversations and looking at pics of her husbands trip to Korea where he is right now.

I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?

I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*

I told him that he'd better go
'Cause I was crazy and impossible,
That my love was broken,
my dreams had run off wild.

Part of my job should NOT be protecting my company's from people trying to exploit us. There are so many small businesses out there, especially people who run their own start ups, that try to take advantage of the logo. They're trying to get us to do free publicity for them in exchange for a 10% donation. Seriously...when they only reason you're donating to us is to get something from us, the donation should be a little larger than that. Argh.

Greg's dad flew up from Tampa last weekend. -- Greg is the boyfriend. This is significant...I named the puppy (see Sweetest Thing), so it looks like I'll have to keep him now. :) -- Anyway, Greg's dad and stepmom flew up and we had a very cool visit. I played nice and they thought well of me. And you know it's an entertaining weekend when conversation surrounds the size of your boyfriend's sister's childhood turds.

The Mythbusters are testing the poodle in a microwave myth. Rock on, Mythbusters! Nuke that evil being!

So I've been browsing tall websites and feeling annoyed with the lack of clothing available. This is what I found:

A friend of mine started his own company. You pick your style, your color, and your fabrics; you submit your measurements according to very easy read to instructions; and you get amazing clothes that fit you perfectly. And given the custom specifications and quality fabrics, the prices are pretty dern nice, too. Check out the website: www.tallandtrendy.com

Rock on.


On a less positive note, I found this article that demonstrates how hard it can be to be a tall female. The end result is isolated, but the prior events are pretty common. http://www.tallwomen.org/contents/morgan.htm

Sad.

Today I found myself caught in one of the many "can't win" cycles of early adulthood. I want to be the new Director of Development. In order to get the promotion, I need to be able to look professional in the business community. To look professional, I need a professional wardrobe. Additions to a wardrobe cost money. To get money, I need a promotion. Yuck.

Clothes are especially difficult for me given my heigh. Does anyone want to invest in a fine young woman and help her become a professional in the non-profit world? I'll make you a plaque. :)

I have this absolutely incredible boyfriend and things are going so well...but none of you would know that for sure because I never write about him. I've discovered four main reasons:
1. I really don't want to jinx the whole thing. I have this bad habit of speaking too soon and messing it all up before it ever has a chance to be really good. I want to give this one a chance to speak for itself before I put so much pressure on the relationship that it cracks.
2. Everything is good...and normal. There's nothing big and dramatic to write about because we don't have big dramatic fights and I have don't have huge insecurities and when the great stuff happens I want to enjoy it, not write about it. Which leads to...
3. I'm actually having fun living life with him instead of here just thinking about it, overanalyzing, and writing every day.
And most of all...
4. I no longer have anything to prove. I've got the great guy, I don't have to show anyone (least of all myself) that he's perfect or the one or some spectacular thing, because I can just lay back and let it all happen.

I've felt passionate in the past, but always insecure in that passion. I've felt comfortable, but bored, or just not romantic. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel secure and comfy, as well as totally in love. This is amazing. Now don't expect to hear a ton about it anytime soon :)

Got my hair done. Tried to go brunette, but told the chick i was a bit scared of the color change. Thought it was really dark until I dried it, and now it's just a dark blonde. Too dark to be a great blonde, too light to be a real brunette. Hrm.

On a more successful note, I finally got our office completely into the 21st century. I did away with carbon copy receipts and finally switched to computer printouts. WOO HOO! Yay for not having to use the friggin typewriter anymore!

Christmas with the boyfriend's family this weekend. On Sunday he basically handed over control of his credit card to me so I could buy them all gifts. Way fun. Seriously love buying gifts for people, especially with other people's money. Can't wait to hang out with them while they open the presents now.

I've had breakfast in bed the last two days...how am I ever going to adjust to waking up alone and eating nothing until lunch? I'm such a lucky girl!