I finally got my new car! Rock on! Tres excited about it.

Also got the new apt. Living in Crosswinds for you Spfld people. Come see us!
Can't wait for the housewarming party!

Exeriences of the last 24 hours...

3 trips to the DMV
12 yr old bodybuilder's enema
bite from a 12 yr old with jaws of steel
2 shots of tequila
5 michelob lights
2 white russians
new car (almost)
cat fight (literally)
job application
reprimand from a librarian
application for a death certificate
discovery of Quick Trip's refusal to carry Mounds bars
a good friend and a car ride
realizing I have pictures of KTTS' newest DJ in undies

New apartment, new car, and maybe a new job? we'll see. :)

Bad car crash today.  Not my fault for once.  I've always been the moron before.  Karma got me this afternoon.  Hurts to breathe.  I'm ok.  Gonna try to sleep.  No car :(  Prayers appreciated, especially for car issues.  Hoping their insurance doesn't try to screw me. 

At a young age little girls plan grand weddings for Barbie and Ken, play house with the neighborhood boys (assuming one of them will voluntarily play daddy), and watch Disney princesses fight their way towards that handsome prince.

Well, little girls grow up. We find someone who fits the bill and assign him Charming status. Eventually that blows up in our face because no man could ever live up to the expectations we set for that first time around. A couple of these pass through our lives and we lower our expectations a bit. We no longer care about things we were told Prince Charming had because we learn about the things we need as individuals. At some point we'd simply be happy for a human of the xy variety who can hold down a job and kiss well.

Then we meet him. That man who surpasses our low expectations and shows us that reality can hold so much more. We rush into it full force thinking this is the greatest thing ever and this is what movies like Casablanca are all about. We know this is the one. We give willingly of ourselves, knowing that we will die holding hands with this amazing man. Then one day, we realize what we thought we had was a mirage created by all those supressed fantasies we thought we'd long forgotten. We learn that he isn't really what we thought. Our hearts shatter into tiny pieces and we try desparately to round them all up before they wash away in the river of our tears. We are crushed. We are cynical. But we still want that fairy tale. We are determined to wait, cautious with our hopes and our happiness.

Some time later, we meet him. That one who might not blow us away at the beginning, but makes us want to believe. That one who, when we give him the chance, shows us that love really can be all that we ever dreamed...it just might not be exactly to our specifications. That one who loves us even when we're shitty or overemotional or dorky or drunk or cranky or just plain ourselves. We don't give into it right away...we've been hurt, we want to guard our hearts. The pieces may be back in place, but there are still a few missing. How do you give your heart away when it's no longer whole? So we bide our time. We enjoy quick kisses and uncertain smiles of happiness. The words "I love you" make us cringe and smile all at the same time. We never really let him be certain that we're in this for the long haul, because we aren't yet certain. We force him to keep pursuing, persuading, in hopes that one day he will convince us that he is our prince. We take it slowly, and let ourselves move along the road towards the possible.

One day, we can no longer wait. He has pursued long enough. We know this man is everything we want, everything we've ever wanted, and we open up that heart. It's fragile, but we offer it out to him anyway. Cracks and dents and all. We let him in. We let him see through the cracks and take a walk through that heart. We let him see how much we care about him. We stop forcing him to pursue us, and we show him that we long for him just the same. We are in love.

Then we get scared. Shit, we think, he's in there. The last one was in there and took so much of that heart with him. What if this one doesn't love me now that he knows I love him? Maybe he likes the chase...now that he has me he'll stop wanting me. Or maybe he likes a girl of mystery...now that he's seen it all he'll lose interest. This poor little heart can't take that. Our frantic thoughts take over recent thoughts of love and happiness, until we can no longer enjoy the good without tainting it with fear.

We tell him. He reassures us. He doesn't understand.

Yeah, so. The last one reassured us, too, the Fucker.

So now we're scared, insecure, and not ourselves. Now he starts to see the side of us we never wanted to show anyone. He gets frustrated with our fear. Now, we wonder, will he run?

Our first reaction is to gain control again. We're scared on this supposedly level (but to us, oh so unlevel) playing ground and we need to take a step back so that we can compose ourselves. So we have to take it all back. We can't go back in time, but we can pull away. So we pull from his arms. We wait for him to call us again. We watch the clock and make ourselves wait exactly 47 minutes to call him after we have the first impulse. We only tell him we love him when he says it first. We start a new hobby. We suddenly aren't available on Friday nights. We pull back so that he won't see what a mess we are inside. We pull back to regain that aura of mystery so he won't lose interest. We pull back so that he will, again, be forced to pursue us.

Sometimes, he doesn't pursue us. We say, fuck it, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the one...and move on. Knowing all along that we killed it with our insecurity, but unable to let go of the fear. We hope that one day we'll find the one who keeps pursuing. The one who won't let us run. The one who will grab us and yell us to stop being so fucking crazy and realize how madly in love with us he is and that he will always be there no matter how neurotic we are and how much we try to pull away. He'll yell it at us until we're not sure if we should cry or laugh, and then he'll kiss us hard and tell us again and again that he wants us and that we have absolutely nothing to fear. And then he'll kiss us long and soft and slow. A seal for the promise of the depth of his love.

We hope we'll find that one. We want to believe in that one. We want to believe that THIS one IS THAT one. But while we hope, we expect the worst. He will fail us. He will run. Could anyone ever REALLY love this mess? Probably not. So we kill every chance at love with our insecurity, hoping that someday someone will be strong enough to show us that we have nothing to fear...that he will fight us for us. And that he will hold our hands while, together, we fight through to the other side, where we are not scared and all is bliss. We want to be with him in that land where fear succumbs to absolute unconditional true love.

We want the same thing we wanted when we were still those little girls and our biggest questions involved the clothing of Barbie's bridesmaids.

We want the fairy tale.

See original broadway cast recording of South Pacific, track 10

:)

You know your cat is curious if he watches you while you have sex.

You know your cat is jealous if he curls up on your face while you have sex.

Jealous cats need to be shoved off the bed.

It's always nice to open the door to a man in uniform.

Another wonderful Friday night in Springfield :)

Oh Mandy. What a night.

Not particularly wild or anything, just interesting.

Went to Martha's. Did NOT want to go. Was not up for dealing with drama queeny queens and was PMSy and knew I couldn't get drunk, so it was all a bit much for me last night.

Got to Martha's. Looked hot, but for who? Lots of older lesbians there last night. Thought I recognized a chick I knew when I walked in and did a double take. She thought I was checking her out and grabbed my ass later.

Random little very fem guy comes up and says he has to introduce himself to me. Apparently he saw me at Chuck's bday in my fem version of drag and thought I was cool for wearing a tie and bowler hat. Decided I was fun and he had to know me. Invited us to a party next week and to make out with him. uh...no.

Tall chick...my height...came up to me. Actually only 6'2 but in big heels...also much bigger than me, made me feel small and a little uncomfortable. Not a fan of looking slightly up to anyone.

Talking to her when older lesbian approaches to ask if I'm gay. I say no, she says oh, with a disappointed look. Turns out not to be because of her interest, but because her friend grabbed my ass. Her friend is straight. So I guess she wanted her one time experience or something. Won't be with me.

Lesbian proceeds to tell me and tall chick that we should be together and that we shouldn't be at martha's if we're not looking for ass from a woman. Excuse me? ugh. I know it's a meat market...but that's why I enjoy...I'm not PART of that meat market. Bah.

Sidewalk sale outside after closing involved lots of rain, with me in a pale yellow tank and newly straightened hair, dammit. Fanagled Corey into making out with hot guy who wanted to take his picture in the rain in the street. It was great, but Corey didn't think he was hot.

Hot army guy was def sending signs of hitting on Corey, but when prodded said he wasn't gay. So confusing.

Soaked through and through we left, tired and cold and ready to curl up in bed.

So the Sigma Chi brothers have made it into the hazing hall of fame:

However, the decision to evict the Sigma Chi brothers from their house took into account events on the evening of March 18, when two pledges were transported to the hospital, and April 22, when students were videotaped and photographed performing in sexually charged skits and engaging in other behaviors the Greek Life Office deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable."


Good job, guys. :)

Attn: St. Louis People

I'm jumpin' in my new car in a few to head up there. I'll be around until Monday afternoon. If I haven't already made plans with you, give me a call (on the new cell) and we'll work something out. Can't wait to see everyone!

Amazing Weekend! I'm beautifully sunkissed from spending the day outside while a couple really great people tried to fix my car, and from driving around all day in a Porsche Boxter with the top down. I made a wonderful new friend, and somehow wound up with a fabulous new car. Woo hoo! And once again everything works out for me...even when I thought it was hopeless. Learning to have more faith. :)

In regards to my post about someone taking the keys, a friend told me he thought the women's lib movement was all about letting the women drive. My response:

Women don't always want to be driven, we just want someone who's willing to step up to the plate and put the effort into the relationship...someone has to believe a relationship can work and have faith and work to make it happen. If one person is scared or tired or whatever it is that's holding them back, they are less likely to fight to make something happen. If there is another person who believes, who can instill a bit of hope and faith, who can make a little bit of effort to show the other how to do it all again, and that it's worth doing...it can work. Driving is being the person who makes the effort. Being the person who believes it can work.

I'm all about women's lib. I can go out and get any man I want. I have no problem asking a guy out or making the first move or whatever...but when it comes to actually starting a real relationship, I'm too fucking tired to deal with it. I'm not cynical, but I'm certainly not super optimistic, either. I've put way too much effort into it the last few times and not gotten anything back. The next time I actually get into a relationship, someone else is gonna have to do some major reparation. That sucks, I know, and it's not fair. But life's not fair. I've been in relationships since the last big heartbreak, but they were all me not being really involved and just going with the flow until I got bored with it. The guys thought they got through just because I seemed happy, and I got bored with them because we hadn't actually made a real connection. Nobody went past everything I put out for them to see. When someone gets past that...when i WANT someone to get past that, and when he makes an effort, maybe something real and better can happen. That's definitely going to require a guy who knows how to drive, and one who doesn't mind taking the scenic backroads, because it's gonna take one hell of a long time. Most men aren't up for that. I don't blame em...I'm not about to take that initiative with anyone. That's what driving is about. Not about the man taking control, or the woman being incapable...just about me being too damn tired to deal with it all. :)

fuck fuck FUUUUUUUCK

Who wants to buy me a car?

A glimpse into my life

Provided thoughtfully by author and psychic Leslie Schnur.


'She leaned against him, her shoulder against his arm. He turned to her, and he took her hand in his.

A few minutes later, he broke the silence.
"I haven't done this in a very long time." I can't tell her the truth, is what he was thinking.
"Me neither," she said. And I don't know if I can go through this again.
"I'm not sure I can." Besides, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.
"Me neither," she said again, wanting to smack herself. Though it was true.
"Maybe we should forget it." God, I want to kiss you, to...
"You're dropping me before we've even gotten started?" She made him laugh. Her stomach hurt. She pulled her hand from his.
"Somebody, in every new relationship, has to drive the train, to run the machine," he said. The last time, look what happened.
"Well, I don't drive. I'm a city girl," she said. Please don't do this.
He laughed. "Someone has to pursue the other. Or else you can't get to the next stop." Fight with me!
"Well, I'm not going to do it." Fuck him.
"Me neither." Screw you!
"So this will be the first love affair with no people," she said, looking down at her feet.
"A lot simpler than if it were populated." He turned to look at her. She's only here because thinks I'm someone else.
"It could last years." Kiss me, please.
"Or it'll go nowhere. It's not as if a new relationship can propel itself. It can simply putter out and stall on the side of the road," he said, now sounding anxious. "One could get hurt."
She challenged him. "Well, why aren't you brave? It's not important enough to you?" Fuck you!
"Me? Why not you? Who said that the man has to do it? What are you, a sexist pig?" Don't you see? I'm not who you really want.
"Yeah. SO I'd like to be pursued. So shoot me." Kiss me!
"I don't have to shoot you. Shoot yourself. I'm sick of having to be the one to drive the car! You know what it's like to drive the Expressway? Awful! That's what it's like. Trucks, old ladies with blue hair who can't see over the wheel, terrible drivers--"
"Drivers with a sense of entitlement . Feel they can cut you off, run you over simply because they're driving a Jag or a Hummer." she said.
"Hummers should be illegal. What, eight, nine miles to the gallon?"
"I totally agree!" She smiled. He's wonderful. She slipped her hand back into his.
"It's really a shame," to put it mildly, he said, squeezing her hand. "And all because we're wimps." And because you want me to be someone I'm not.
"Just fearful." Why is this so hard?
"I know." Show me it's me you really like and not a guy you're imagining.
"Well, this was fun." Yeah, right. She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms around her waist.
"I just need some time. I know that sounds...but can I call you?" When I get the balls?
"Why?" Oh God, yes.
"If I learn to drive?" To show you who I really am?
"God, yes. The minute one of us is willing or able to drive, we have to promise to call the other." I won't do it.
"I promise." And you'll be disappointed.
"Me, too." Please.
And they stood there for a few more minutes, in silence, leaning against each other, before heading back uptown.'



*sigh* Doesn't anyone wanna take the keys?

The last scene of 24 tonight was Jack Bauer crying in his car.

Awwwww, Kiefer, honey, I'll make you forget all about it. :)

Van Halen has a new single!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock on!

"It's About Time"

hell yeah, it is


NOBODY out there now has this kind of energy. SOOOOO glad there's something new :)

Wash U's 2004 Commencement address, by Thomas Friedman. Read it.

I have come to the absolute conclusion that I cannot be romantically involved with someone who cannot speak English correctly. ESPECIALLY if English was their first language. Seriously. I don't expect perfection all the time, I make constant mistakes...but subject/verb agreement is important, I think. Is I wrong? :) It just makes me cringe.

So maybe I'm a bitch, but I'm a bitch who respects the language a little too much to see it completely butchered.

Cute recycling guy has been MIA for awhile. How sad.

My car is evil. I really need to get a new one. May not have a choice soon. Have NO f*in clue how I'm going to pay for that, though. *sigh*