Must be at work at 6 am. Not looking forward to that. Am I crazy for volunteering for this stuff? Yes, yes I am.
Listening to Mandy...missing my girls.
Christmas isn't really a big deal in my family now that all the kids are grown, and I'd kind of forgotten how wonderful it could be to children. Actually, I don't think I've ever had Christmas with other kids around as an adult, so this one's Eve was new to me. We were hanging out at MG's house and Santa made a surprise appearance. After he left, we went out in the driveway to look for his sleigh flying high into the night. MG's 6 yr old brother watched the twinkling stars for signs of a sleigh and reindeer. (The NINE reindeer, as he so politely pointed out to me. Rudolph plus the other 8.) Christmas is oh so magical when children are around. Yay.
12.25.2003
12.22.2003
Leave it to me to get drunk the first time I see high school people in forever and make a bit of a fool of myself. I guess it wasn't too bad, but still. I need to never drink when there are boys who don't know me well around. Or just males in general. I take that back, I guess I didn't make a fool of myself. Not last night anyway.
I'm off to go take care of some bills. Yay for my attempt to get out of financial ruin. Hmm...maybe ruination would be better there. What's the difference? Who knows.
I'm off to go take care of some bills. Yay for my attempt to get out of financial ruin. Hmm...maybe ruination would be better there. What's the difference? Who knows.
12.21.2003
So I've definitely been slacking on the blog entries. Will try to do better, but no promises.
It's Sunday, my only relaxation day, so I slept in forever. Went to bed around 3 or so last night and woke up this a.m. to some loud noises outside. Turned out to be mom yelling and banging on my window. For some reason she had no house keys on her ring and had locked herself out when my car was parked behind hers. My bad. Having no clue what was going on, I walked out in my robe with no glasses or contacts (i.e. blind as a bat) and was promptly told to move my car. She was already late, and going back in for my glasses didn't occur to me in my half asleep state, so I moved my car, blind and all. Not smart, but a quite impressive job I did if I do say so myself. v. proud. I then proceeded to sleep until 4pm. V. nice relaxing day.
Gotta love weekends. Or sundays, rather, since I work all friggin day on Saturdays.
Out to Spfld Brewing Co tonight with Stevie, and now Jan, too. Some people from high school are gonna be there, don't know how I feel about that. In high school I thought they were the cool kids and they were more popular and all that. Now, I've been through four years of that shit not mattering at all and don't know how it'll feel to hang out w. them. I kinda don't care. Am I a bad person for not wanting to hang out with these people at all? Nah, maybe I just came to my senses.
Off to go get all sexified for tonight. SMS rugby team hangs out there frequently, must dress to impress. Which doesn't take much for boys in bars, really. Perhaps will continue to update this thing more frequently. We shall see.
Oh, the tattoo is an abstractish outline drawing of a tiger on my ankle. Tres cool.
It's Sunday, my only relaxation day, so I slept in forever. Went to bed around 3 or so last night and woke up this a.m. to some loud noises outside. Turned out to be mom yelling and banging on my window. For some reason she had no house keys on her ring and had locked herself out when my car was parked behind hers. My bad. Having no clue what was going on, I walked out in my robe with no glasses or contacts (i.e. blind as a bat) and was promptly told to move my car. She was already late, and going back in for my glasses didn't occur to me in my half asleep state, so I moved my car, blind and all. Not smart, but a quite impressive job I did if I do say so myself. v. proud. I then proceeded to sleep until 4pm. V. nice relaxing day.
Gotta love weekends. Or sundays, rather, since I work all friggin day on Saturdays.
Out to Spfld Brewing Co tonight with Stevie, and now Jan, too. Some people from high school are gonna be there, don't know how I feel about that. In high school I thought they were the cool kids and they were more popular and all that. Now, I've been through four years of that shit not mattering at all and don't know how it'll feel to hang out w. them. I kinda don't care. Am I a bad person for not wanting to hang out with these people at all? Nah, maybe I just came to my senses.
Off to go get all sexified for tonight. SMS rugby team hangs out there frequently, must dress to impress. Which doesn't take much for boys in bars, really. Perhaps will continue to update this thing more frequently. We shall see.
Oh, the tattoo is an abstractish outline drawing of a tiger on my ankle. Tres cool.
11.30.2003
11.13.2003
11.10.2003
Poetry Excerpts
From "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.
...
I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.
...
I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
Dating
I've been dealing with a lot of issues lately concerning men and relationships and icky first dates and such. Nothing really felt right and I wasn't sure what to do or what to think or anything. I finally got smart and turned to God about it and made a decision based on that and my own comfort level.
I decided I am no longer dating. Not at all.
Here's what's wrong with dating:
1. I hate first dates. They suck. I do NOT enjoy it, so why waste my time doing it? The argument is so that I can reap the benefits of a dating relationship, but I have never gone on a date with someone and had it turn into more, so what is there to show me that it's going to start now? I don't like them, therefore I don't want to go on them.
2. Dating is incredibly fake. Everyone puts out what they want you to see and you never really get to see a person for what they are. You see how they act with you and with waitresses and such, but you never get to see how they respond to daily life situations. At least not until you're already emotionally invested in the situation. Then you find out they're really assholes and it sucks even more. Might as well not bother.
3. Dating is done under false pretenses. Societal pressures force you to make a decision about the romantic possibilities with a person based on little information about them or your potential with them. It's unfair decision making. For example, on The Bachelor...15 women fell in love with Bob. Bob fell in love with a few of them. Why? Because the show set it up so that that's what they were expected to do. People had this image of what could be and tried to make it real. Of course it's not real, it can't be that soon...not with all of those people...but it sure seems that way at the time...then these people devote their lives to it and turns out not to be later? that sucks. Not for me. Dating is the same thing. You go out on a date with someone and you have an expectation that you shoudl have something romantic with them. based on what? a five minute conversation you had while helping them find a book or waiting in line at the grocery store? I don't think so.
4. Dating, if it proceeds to a relationship, leads to intimacy, which leads to either marriage, or heartbreak. Considering that most people plan to get married once, but start relationships many more times than that, that's a lot of heartbreak. Unlike some advocates of my new position, I do NOT believe that we should guard ourselves from heartbreak until marriage. However, I've had enough. I've had, what...2 really serious heartbreaks and a few milder ones...that's enough learning experience for me, thanks. Of course, if you're ready to delve into a real relationship, that risk is necessary, but when you're not read for marriage yet anyway, what's the point? If you know you aren't at a point in your life where you think marriage is a possibility, why bother getting super close only to have to end it? This is the exact reason I ended one of my serious heartbreaks. Why did I let it get there? It's like playing house, but the emotions are real. I refuse to let this happen anymore.
5. Dating takes my focus away from being happily single. Dude, I'm on my own, I get to do whatever I want with my time, focus on things I love and want to work on...FOCUS ON ME! But instead, I worry about who I like or who likes me or what I'm doing Friday night or if I should call him or whatever. Nope...that's over. I haven't been without someone in my life since I was 17. When I didn't have a boyfriend I had a guy friend I flirted with and talked to every night and kinda dated occasionally. When the last serious heartbreak happened, I was all about focusing on me. But I wasn't over the heartbreak, so instead I kept my focus on new guys. I kept people in my life that were there so I wasn't alone. Well, now I'm over it (possibly more on that later). Completely over it. It's fabulous! But it means my focus gets to shift. So NOW my focus can be completely on me. why waste that on more guys that will probably never even have the opportunity to audition for the whole husband thing because I'm nowhere near ready? That just hurts them and me. Instead, I get to focus my attention on me and my future and my relationship with God. MUCH better, i think. I went to church Sunday...you know why? Because I wasn't up talking to someone so super late that I couldn't get up in the morning. I spend my time with my jobs, with my family, on my interests, and on God. Not on guys. Def. a good thing.
6. Real life never lives up to the fantasy. So you have a crush on someone, you think they're amazing. You'd have beautiful children and he'd be perfect and you'd be happy forever (damn, think what mine and kiefer's kids would look like...we should soooo get together). Yeah...it never happens. Our fantasies RARELY include the bad stuff, but humans are fallible. Even the most perfect man will not live up to our fantasy because we don't fantasize about not being able to pay the bills and fighting over dishes being done or what happens when he really really wants me to spend the weekend with him and his obnoxious teenage nephew who thinks its funny to grab my ass on occasion...There will be problems. Yeah, we'll get through them, but if you build up the fantasy first, it's not gonna be a good situation because you're constantly going to be thinking there's something that will live up to that fantasy. Yeah...I'd rather just have my crushes and never act on them. Then life gets to be perfect in my head for a while. At least while I'm planning ons taying single :)
The alternative to dating:
1. Friends. Great friends. Friends that don't come with strings. I have way too many male friends that I can't talk to about these issues or about other guys because the focus was always us as a potential something, not as friends. That sucks. I want real friends that I can go to in trust, not afraid they have an agenda or that I have an agenda. I can be super manipulative, especially with men, and I need tog et that out of my life. I'd much rather have friends.
2. Getting to know someone before getting invested. In a friendship relationship, you get to see how someone interacts with others, how they respond in certain situations, and how they are different with youand with their dates (assuming they talk about them) BEFORE you decide to invest any emotions into the deal. Also, you don't have to do your hair before you head out. Much nicer :)
3. When you have a really great friendship, if you think the person is attractive,when you're both ready it can just happen. But there's no pressure for anything to happen before it should. meaning now, when I'm planning on going to Germany and have no idea what will happen after that. I can't deal with pressure to answer certain questions to which I can't possibly have answers. I get to focus on me, and have great friends,and not deal with romantic bullshit.
additional thoughts:
1. I've kinda already done this already. By having people who were so far away, I could have a friendship and then have the romance when we were together, but without the pressure. The problem with me is that my focus has always been on the other person more than on God and my own future and development. Now I'm shifting that so that no one person becomes more important to me than anyone else. I have my girls that mean everything to me, and no one guy should overshadow that. If someone does, I need to back off because at that point I know I am becoming too intimate with him.
2. This does not mean I'll never go on "dates." I'll still go out with male friends sometimes. I do think that for awhile, until I'm more into the swing of this, I'll stick to group things, but at some point I'm sure I'll want to hang out with someone and he might happen to be a guy. That's cool. I can deal with that. Just not oging to think about it like a date, and make sure he knows that, and we're cool.
3. Also does not mean that I'm all of a sudden super pure and will never end up kissing a friend or a "date" or whatever. I'd like to avoid all of that for some time, until I can clearly understand exactly what place that has in my life...but really, it's not necessary for me, I don't think. We'll see.
4. I get to keep my crushes and dreams and hopes of the future without ever feeling like I'm settling. I also get to work on myself and those things I love so that when I do decide I'm ready for marriage, I know that I'm the best person I can be for my husband.
5. The people in my life have been surprisingly supportive. The Russian guy understands. WIth him I think i knew right away that I wasn't interested, but this way I get to back off without really hurting his feelings :) another plus...you can say no to a date without hurting someone's feelings :) sounds great to me. It also takes the pressure off those relationships that were starting to suffer. Now I get to learn more about these wonderful men and really develop a comfort level with them without worrying about agendas or manipulation or romantic feelings.
Yay for me.
For the first time in a long time, I feel really really great about all of this stuff. I feel at peace with my decision. I feel like God really led me to this. What's even cooler...i came up with this on my own. That's never happened, I don't think. There's always been a book, or a person that has influenced me. This one, I just knew all of a sudden that it was right. It happened in the space ofthe 15 minute drive home fromMGs one night last week. Nobody helped me come to this...it was all about me and God.
Now that I've made the decision and people have suggested the book, I've read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I like it and it really helps me understand some of my feelings and reiterates things I had already decided. I don't completely agree with everything in the book, but I do think it's a good start to understanding this position if anyone is interested. Anyway, this is important to me and I wanted to share it with those who think I'm important enough to read my blog. If anyone wants to comment or talk about it, please email me, I'd love to.
I decided I am no longer dating. Not at all.
Here's what's wrong with dating:
1. I hate first dates. They suck. I do NOT enjoy it, so why waste my time doing it? The argument is so that I can reap the benefits of a dating relationship, but I have never gone on a date with someone and had it turn into more, so what is there to show me that it's going to start now? I don't like them, therefore I don't want to go on them.
2. Dating is incredibly fake. Everyone puts out what they want you to see and you never really get to see a person for what they are. You see how they act with you and with waitresses and such, but you never get to see how they respond to daily life situations. At least not until you're already emotionally invested in the situation. Then you find out they're really assholes and it sucks even more. Might as well not bother.
3. Dating is done under false pretenses. Societal pressures force you to make a decision about the romantic possibilities with a person based on little information about them or your potential with them. It's unfair decision making. For example, on The Bachelor...15 women fell in love with Bob. Bob fell in love with a few of them. Why? Because the show set it up so that that's what they were expected to do. People had this image of what could be and tried to make it real. Of course it's not real, it can't be that soon...not with all of those people...but it sure seems that way at the time...then these people devote their lives to it and turns out not to be later? that sucks. Not for me. Dating is the same thing. You go out on a date with someone and you have an expectation that you shoudl have something romantic with them. based on what? a five minute conversation you had while helping them find a book or waiting in line at the grocery store? I don't think so.
4. Dating, if it proceeds to a relationship, leads to intimacy, which leads to either marriage, or heartbreak. Considering that most people plan to get married once, but start relationships many more times than that, that's a lot of heartbreak. Unlike some advocates of my new position, I do NOT believe that we should guard ourselves from heartbreak until marriage. However, I've had enough. I've had, what...2 really serious heartbreaks and a few milder ones...that's enough learning experience for me, thanks. Of course, if you're ready to delve into a real relationship, that risk is necessary, but when you're not read for marriage yet anyway, what's the point? If you know you aren't at a point in your life where you think marriage is a possibility, why bother getting super close only to have to end it? This is the exact reason I ended one of my serious heartbreaks. Why did I let it get there? It's like playing house, but the emotions are real. I refuse to let this happen anymore.
5. Dating takes my focus away from being happily single. Dude, I'm on my own, I get to do whatever I want with my time, focus on things I love and want to work on...FOCUS ON ME! But instead, I worry about who I like or who likes me or what I'm doing Friday night or if I should call him or whatever. Nope...that's over. I haven't been without someone in my life since I was 17. When I didn't have a boyfriend I had a guy friend I flirted with and talked to every night and kinda dated occasionally. When the last serious heartbreak happened, I was all about focusing on me. But I wasn't over the heartbreak, so instead I kept my focus on new guys. I kept people in my life that were there so I wasn't alone. Well, now I'm over it (possibly more on that later). Completely over it. It's fabulous! But it means my focus gets to shift. So NOW my focus can be completely on me. why waste that on more guys that will probably never even have the opportunity to audition for the whole husband thing because I'm nowhere near ready? That just hurts them and me. Instead, I get to focus my attention on me and my future and my relationship with God. MUCH better, i think. I went to church Sunday...you know why? Because I wasn't up talking to someone so super late that I couldn't get up in the morning. I spend my time with my jobs, with my family, on my interests, and on God. Not on guys. Def. a good thing.
6. Real life never lives up to the fantasy. So you have a crush on someone, you think they're amazing. You'd have beautiful children and he'd be perfect and you'd be happy forever (damn, think what mine and kiefer's kids would look like...we should soooo get together). Yeah...it never happens. Our fantasies RARELY include the bad stuff, but humans are fallible. Even the most perfect man will not live up to our fantasy because we don't fantasize about not being able to pay the bills and fighting over dishes being done or what happens when he really really wants me to spend the weekend with him and his obnoxious teenage nephew who thinks its funny to grab my ass on occasion...There will be problems. Yeah, we'll get through them, but if you build up the fantasy first, it's not gonna be a good situation because you're constantly going to be thinking there's something that will live up to that fantasy. Yeah...I'd rather just have my crushes and never act on them. Then life gets to be perfect in my head for a while. At least while I'm planning ons taying single :)
The alternative to dating:
1. Friends. Great friends. Friends that don't come with strings. I have way too many male friends that I can't talk to about these issues or about other guys because the focus was always us as a potential something, not as friends. That sucks. I want real friends that I can go to in trust, not afraid they have an agenda or that I have an agenda. I can be super manipulative, especially with men, and I need tog et that out of my life. I'd much rather have friends.
2. Getting to know someone before getting invested. In a friendship relationship, you get to see how someone interacts with others, how they respond in certain situations, and how they are different with youand with their dates (assuming they talk about them) BEFORE you decide to invest any emotions into the deal. Also, you don't have to do your hair before you head out. Much nicer :)
3. When you have a really great friendship, if you think the person is attractive,when you're both ready it can just happen. But there's no pressure for anything to happen before it should. meaning now, when I'm planning on going to Germany and have no idea what will happen after that. I can't deal with pressure to answer certain questions to which I can't possibly have answers. I get to focus on me, and have great friends,and not deal with romantic bullshit.
additional thoughts:
1. I've kinda already done this already. By having people who were so far away, I could have a friendship and then have the romance when we were together, but without the pressure. The problem with me is that my focus has always been on the other person more than on God and my own future and development. Now I'm shifting that so that no one person becomes more important to me than anyone else. I have my girls that mean everything to me, and no one guy should overshadow that. If someone does, I need to back off because at that point I know I am becoming too intimate with him.
2. This does not mean I'll never go on "dates." I'll still go out with male friends sometimes. I do think that for awhile, until I'm more into the swing of this, I'll stick to group things, but at some point I'm sure I'll want to hang out with someone and he might happen to be a guy. That's cool. I can deal with that. Just not oging to think about it like a date, and make sure he knows that, and we're cool.
3. Also does not mean that I'm all of a sudden super pure and will never end up kissing a friend or a "date" or whatever. I'd like to avoid all of that for some time, until I can clearly understand exactly what place that has in my life...but really, it's not necessary for me, I don't think. We'll see.
4. I get to keep my crushes and dreams and hopes of the future without ever feeling like I'm settling. I also get to work on myself and those things I love so that when I do decide I'm ready for marriage, I know that I'm the best person I can be for my husband.
5. The people in my life have been surprisingly supportive. The Russian guy understands. WIth him I think i knew right away that I wasn't interested, but this way I get to back off without really hurting his feelings :) another plus...you can say no to a date without hurting someone's feelings :) sounds great to me. It also takes the pressure off those relationships that were starting to suffer. Now I get to learn more about these wonderful men and really develop a comfort level with them without worrying about agendas or manipulation or romantic feelings.
Yay for me.
For the first time in a long time, I feel really really great about all of this stuff. I feel at peace with my decision. I feel like God really led me to this. What's even cooler...i came up with this on my own. That's never happened, I don't think. There's always been a book, or a person that has influenced me. This one, I just knew all of a sudden that it was right. It happened in the space ofthe 15 minute drive home fromMGs one night last week. Nobody helped me come to this...it was all about me and God.
Now that I've made the decision and people have suggested the book, I've read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I like it and it really helps me understand some of my feelings and reiterates things I had already decided. I don't completely agree with everything in the book, but I do think it's a good start to understanding this position if anyone is interested. Anyway, this is important to me and I wanted to share it with those who think I'm important enough to read my blog. If anyone wants to comment or talk about it, please email me, I'd love to.
11.03.2003
Tried on this fabu black dress today. Couldn't believe it, but it hid all my newly acquired and unwanted curves. Was v. happy until turned around and noticed daring backless area that revealed...back fat! Argh. Once you have back fat, you're def. overweight. Okay, so it's not mounds or anything, but still. I always loved my back. Til now.
Marched over to sports section and bought dumbbells and fun workout videos. Spent the next few hours salsa-ing and mambo-ing my way to slimdom. Also lifted weights for first time in MONTHS. It was soooo nice. Started diet, too. Def. actually starting it this time. No more breakdowns for me.
Got a strange email today. Pet Peeve of the moment: people who think they can judge you when they don't know you. That goes along with people who give you advice when you don't ask for it. Nothing bad against the person who does it...just need to not do it. I mean, does anyone really know any other person well enough to make judgments about their inner thoughts? We all want that. I think. At least I do. I want that amazing man to come up and tell me he gets it all and he knows all the stuff that I haven'tshared and he sees me for who I really am...but who am I kidding? I'm expecting a man to do that? That's a bit unfair. Sucks that the guys I want to read me can't and the ones who don't know what they're talking about are the ones who attempt. Topsy turvey analytical bullshit. argh.
I'm off to sulk, and properly plan my line of attack on cute bn boy, for awhile.
Marched over to sports section and bought dumbbells and fun workout videos. Spent the next few hours salsa-ing and mambo-ing my way to slimdom. Also lifted weights for first time in MONTHS. It was soooo nice. Started diet, too. Def. actually starting it this time. No more breakdowns for me.
Got a strange email today. Pet Peeve of the moment: people who think they can judge you when they don't know you. That goes along with people who give you advice when you don't ask for it. Nothing bad against the person who does it...just need to not do it. I mean, does anyone really know any other person well enough to make judgments about their inner thoughts? We all want that. I think. At least I do. I want that amazing man to come up and tell me he gets it all and he knows all the stuff that I haven'tshared and he sees me for who I really am...but who am I kidding? I'm expecting a man to do that? That's a bit unfair. Sucks that the guys I want to read me can't and the ones who don't know what they're talking about are the ones who attempt. Topsy turvey analytical bullshit. argh.
I'm off to sulk, and properly plan my line of attack on cute bn boy, for awhile.
10.31.2003
Halloween
So I haven't posted in forever. Sorry 'bout that...if any of y'all out there are actually still reading this. I've been working on the soon to be launched Mandys website, as well as keeping busy with both Barnes and Noble and MarthaGrace.
It's Halloween,and I'm sick. It sucks. I put all of this effort into making this beautiful princess costume. I decided that I wanted to be pretty this year. Chris and I put together a bunch of material and a vintage dress and came up with a fabu outfit with lots of beading and layers of tule. V. flowy, v. princessy. Even had a big long train. Everyone loved it. Alas, did not get to wear it out. Only to BN. *sigh*
Went out with a Russian boy last Monday. Was v. nice...v. gentlemanly and sweet. He called tonight and Mom said he sounded super disappointed. It's really cute and I def.wanna give him a shot, I'm just not sure it has potential. I have this thing for the typical strong american male type. It's that damsel in distress part of me or some b.s. like that. I wanna cowboy with a poet's soul. But he's gotta be tough and macho when I want him to be. Is that so hard? Hmmm...maybe I should date twins. One could be strong and macho and masculine and one could be intellectual and sensitive and cultured...I could go back and forth. That sounds good to me.
I recently read a book that made me revisit the passion vs. comfiness issue in love/relationships. It's definitely got me thinking about some relationships of mine that I didn't give much of a chance to go anywhere. This is another reason I'm not sure about Russian boy. I'm trying not to limit myself, but I'm so tired of trying to deal with things that I just don't want to put forth any effort anymore. Maybe I'll swear off dating. That sounds like a good idea. I'll just make friends and one day it will be perfect and my best friend will suddenly turn into THAT guy. If only things could be so easy. :)
off to bed for me...need this danged cold to go away. Work in the a.m. I'll try to keep up with this blog a bit better from now on. We'll see if that actually happens. Good night all :)
It's Halloween,and I'm sick. It sucks. I put all of this effort into making this beautiful princess costume. I decided that I wanted to be pretty this year. Chris and I put together a bunch of material and a vintage dress and came up with a fabu outfit with lots of beading and layers of tule. V. flowy, v. princessy. Even had a big long train. Everyone loved it. Alas, did not get to wear it out. Only to BN. *sigh*
Went out with a Russian boy last Monday. Was v. nice...v. gentlemanly and sweet. He called tonight and Mom said he sounded super disappointed. It's really cute and I def.wanna give him a shot, I'm just not sure it has potential. I have this thing for the typical strong american male type. It's that damsel in distress part of me or some b.s. like that. I wanna cowboy with a poet's soul. But he's gotta be tough and macho when I want him to be. Is that so hard? Hmmm...maybe I should date twins. One could be strong and macho and masculine and one could be intellectual and sensitive and cultured...I could go back and forth. That sounds good to me.
I recently read a book that made me revisit the passion vs. comfiness issue in love/relationships. It's definitely got me thinking about some relationships of mine that I didn't give much of a chance to go anywhere. This is another reason I'm not sure about Russian boy. I'm trying not to limit myself, but I'm so tired of trying to deal with things that I just don't want to put forth any effort anymore. Maybe I'll swear off dating. That sounds like a good idea. I'll just make friends and one day it will be perfect and my best friend will suddenly turn into THAT guy. If only things could be so easy. :)
off to bed for me...need this danged cold to go away. Work in the a.m. I'll try to keep up with this blog a bit better from now on. We'll see if that actually happens. Good night all :)
10.17.2003
10.13.2003
I haven't been updating much lately, and I apologize to those of you who actually read this thing, but tonight probably won't be much better. I'm putting in a lot of time to the Mandys website, which is going very very well. Other than that, i suppose I'm spending a lot of time with things that don't really translate to blogdom. I had a conversation with someone recently about how much we reveal to others about ourselves. I admitted that I reveal more than most immediately, almost as a defense mechanism. I'm not sure, however, that I ever realized it was to keep people from asking about other things. I decided it would be better for me to limit how much I share with others, and now I'm being put to the ultimate test. In finding parts of myself I'm actually not willing to share with others, though, I've begun feeling more alone that I believe I ever have. At least before I could share my bullshit and have someone else understand and tell me they've dealt with it or cry with me or laugh at me or whatever. Now I'm just stuck. Sometimes, it's hard to even share things with God. What's up with that? Argh.
Okay, me making light of something not so light, but how else to deal with it all? I'm just not sure right now. Be patient with me if I don't blog for awhile, or if they're short.
Thanks
Okay, me making light of something not so light, but how else to deal with it all? I'm just not sure right now. Be patient with me if I don't blog for awhile, or if they're short.
Thanks
10.10.2003
This is by far the most personal post I've ever made on this blog. I'm usually rather hesitant about bearing my soul to any joe schmoe who might come along, but this is necessary. Some things are driven by something stronger than reason.
If you choose to read this post, I ask that you withhold judgment of my intentions or emotional state. I am going to write about God. I am not out to preach. I am also not in some overly emotional insincere repentant state. Quite honestly, I don't care what you get from this. It is entirely selfish. I need to admit my struggles to anyone willing to listen.
A little over a year ago a wonderful friend embraced me as I walked through her door. She told me I was my beautiful and laughed a little, knowing that all was a passing state, at my tears of despair. A little over a year ago I discovered the impossibility of receiving unconditional love from my god. I had just returned from a road trip that I had taken under the pretense of a search for self and God, when really I had been running from both. I had fallen desperately in love and chose to turn my questions and fears to a man who could answer them certainly and immediately, rather than to wait for answers that did not come in my time.
It is an unfortunate event when one yields to the reception of unconditional love with man before understanding it from God. It is much easier to believe that man will fail you and have man fail you than it is to believe that God will love you unconditionally and never quite know for sure. I was never lucky enough, or smart enough, to trust God before man.
This is not some big metaphor. I did not just find salvation, or rededicate my life, or have any real turning point in my relationship with God. In fact, I was lucky enough to know of God all my life. My story is rather typical and boring. I accepted Jesus as my Lord in the 9th grade during an emotional sermon that pushed every guilt button in the room. I happily lived my life with God as my focus, but eventually felt hurt and betrayed because I felt I had been tricked into it. I began to associate God with that church experience and rejected Him on many levels, though never outright. I set out on this road trip to find God through intellect and philosophy, rather than emotion. I eventually did, but not as I had expected.
I instead found someone who provided me with the answers. When I was scared, he comforted me. When I fought myself, he fought for me. When I doubted, he reassured me. This man took the place of God in my life, though I never realized it at the time. In fact, looking back, most have taken the place of God in my life. I expect them to love me unconditionally. I expect them to rescue me from my awful tragic existence. I expect them to convince me to trust them. They do, to some superficial extent that consumes my conscious mind, and I expect them to never fail because I have now been proven worthy of unconditional love. Men fail. But there are many men, and I've always been able to move on to the next one with relative ease.
This one got me, though. This one was timed rather nicely with my actual sincere quest for God. So much so that my faith in this man was never shaken, even when he made it very clear that it should be.
My friend who smiled at my tears helped me through many a night during that sorrowful time for me. Each time we spoke she reccomended a book she had read called Redeeming Love. It was a retelling of the book of Hosea and she thought I would identify with it. I was interested, but never found it in a bookstore so forgot about it. I found God through intellect and philosophy, to the extent that is possible, and committed myself to Him in all the ways I understood.
In the year since then, I've encountered more heartbreak than ever I could have imagined. I finally let go of that god, but as I have realized just tonight, only moved onto more. When one man fails you, there are always other men. There's always someone else to tell you that you're worthy of love. They always fail when it comes to the part about it all being unconditional, but then, that just keeps you from ever really having to admit you are worthy of that love. Even though I've walked with God by my side and in my heart this past year, I still haven't accepted that part. Had you told me that yesterday, I would have laughed at you.
A month ago I was shelving books at B&N in the Christian romance section. Who knew? I came across the book my friend had asked me to read, but it was out of my budget. I put it on my mental list of books to buy and left it alone. As I left work the next day, after having been paid, I felt drawn to the Christianity section again. I hungered for something from God. I knew it would come in the form of a book, not the Bible, and I searched through the devotionals. I picked up a couple and took them home, only to never open them. That evening, I received an email from my beautiful wonderful friend asking me about God and reitering how important it was for me to read that book. I'd experienced enough impossible coincidences involving God and this friend to get the point. I went to the library the next day and found the book.
That was two weeks ago. The book has been sitting in my room unopened all this time. I read constantly, which means I often read in public. This was a romance book. Not just a romance book, but a Christian romance. I mean, c'mon. Last night, though, I'd finished my other books and decided to open it. I read all through the night until I had to leave for work. I finished the few pages I had left a few minutes ago.
Over the past year, and especially the last few months, I've been too heartbroken to think of anything other than healing the immediate pain. Recently, things have calmed down quite a bit. When you stop expecting a man to fill the role of God, it's easier to accept his fallibility and just be friends. Things are better now. I can finally think about God. And then I read this book.
The lessons are many, but they are not the focus of this post. Although, I suppose I'm not exactly sure what is. The most important of these lessons is that I can't expect a man to rescue me, fight for me (even if that means fighting me), be trustworthy, and love me unconditionally until I know God does those things. I can't sit here waiting for someone to ride up on a white horse and save me from my own destructive self until I'm willing to believe that God has already done that. I never really believed those men loved me. I never really believed I was worthy. I put on quite the show, but one has to in this world just to get by with a scrap of your heart left in the end. If I "believed" I could trust them fully, and they failed, it was really my fault. It was all in my control. And isn't that the point? The problem with trusting God is that you actually have to give up control when you finally let yourself believe.
Like hell if i'm gonna do that. I want to. Oh how I want to. That will take quite a bit more work.
So see, this isn't some big preachy testimony about how I got saved from myself. I'm struggling. I want to believe God could love me UNCONDITIONALLY. I have to believe it I ever want to believe that a man is a capable of something even close to that. But it's something of a catch 22, because really, if a lowly human won't do it, why would an amazing and all powerful God? But I'll get there. I have faith now. And I will never again let myself make the mistake of forcing man to be God. I owe sincere apologies to all of those wonderful men. I grew to resent them because they didn't fulfill my expectations of my god. I'm not exactly at a point where I'm going to admit fault yet, :) but I recognize that I owe it to them. And now I owe it to myself to at least give God a chance. If I write all this here, I can't pretend I never realized any of this and blow it off. Now I have to chip away at it. Slowly. Maybe it can wait until tomorrow.
Thank you, Linzers, for letting God work through you. I love you :)
If you choose to read this post, I ask that you withhold judgment of my intentions or emotional state. I am going to write about God. I am not out to preach. I am also not in some overly emotional insincere repentant state. Quite honestly, I don't care what you get from this. It is entirely selfish. I need to admit my struggles to anyone willing to listen.
A little over a year ago a wonderful friend embraced me as I walked through her door. She told me I was my beautiful and laughed a little, knowing that all was a passing state, at my tears of despair. A little over a year ago I discovered the impossibility of receiving unconditional love from my god. I had just returned from a road trip that I had taken under the pretense of a search for self and God, when really I had been running from both. I had fallen desperately in love and chose to turn my questions and fears to a man who could answer them certainly and immediately, rather than to wait for answers that did not come in my time.
It is an unfortunate event when one yields to the reception of unconditional love with man before understanding it from God. It is much easier to believe that man will fail you and have man fail you than it is to believe that God will love you unconditionally and never quite know for sure. I was never lucky enough, or smart enough, to trust God before man.
This is not some big metaphor. I did not just find salvation, or rededicate my life, or have any real turning point in my relationship with God. In fact, I was lucky enough to know of God all my life. My story is rather typical and boring. I accepted Jesus as my Lord in the 9th grade during an emotional sermon that pushed every guilt button in the room. I happily lived my life with God as my focus, but eventually felt hurt and betrayed because I felt I had been tricked into it. I began to associate God with that church experience and rejected Him on many levels, though never outright. I set out on this road trip to find God through intellect and philosophy, rather than emotion. I eventually did, but not as I had expected.
I instead found someone who provided me with the answers. When I was scared, he comforted me. When I fought myself, he fought for me. When I doubted, he reassured me. This man took the place of God in my life, though I never realized it at the time. In fact, looking back, most have taken the place of God in my life. I expect them to love me unconditionally. I expect them to rescue me from my awful tragic existence. I expect them to convince me to trust them. They do, to some superficial extent that consumes my conscious mind, and I expect them to never fail because I have now been proven worthy of unconditional love. Men fail. But there are many men, and I've always been able to move on to the next one with relative ease.
This one got me, though. This one was timed rather nicely with my actual sincere quest for God. So much so that my faith in this man was never shaken, even when he made it very clear that it should be.
My friend who smiled at my tears helped me through many a night during that sorrowful time for me. Each time we spoke she reccomended a book she had read called Redeeming Love. It was a retelling of the book of Hosea and she thought I would identify with it. I was interested, but never found it in a bookstore so forgot about it. I found God through intellect and philosophy, to the extent that is possible, and committed myself to Him in all the ways I understood.
In the year since then, I've encountered more heartbreak than ever I could have imagined. I finally let go of that god, but as I have realized just tonight, only moved onto more. When one man fails you, there are always other men. There's always someone else to tell you that you're worthy of love. They always fail when it comes to the part about it all being unconditional, but then, that just keeps you from ever really having to admit you are worthy of that love. Even though I've walked with God by my side and in my heart this past year, I still haven't accepted that part. Had you told me that yesterday, I would have laughed at you.
A month ago I was shelving books at B&N in the Christian romance section. Who knew? I came across the book my friend had asked me to read, but it was out of my budget. I put it on my mental list of books to buy and left it alone. As I left work the next day, after having been paid, I felt drawn to the Christianity section again. I hungered for something from God. I knew it would come in the form of a book, not the Bible, and I searched through the devotionals. I picked up a couple and took them home, only to never open them. That evening, I received an email from my beautiful wonderful friend asking me about God and reitering how important it was for me to read that book. I'd experienced enough impossible coincidences involving God and this friend to get the point. I went to the library the next day and found the book.
That was two weeks ago. The book has been sitting in my room unopened all this time. I read constantly, which means I often read in public. This was a romance book. Not just a romance book, but a Christian romance. I mean, c'mon. Last night, though, I'd finished my other books and decided to open it. I read all through the night until I had to leave for work. I finished the few pages I had left a few minutes ago.
Over the past year, and especially the last few months, I've been too heartbroken to think of anything other than healing the immediate pain. Recently, things have calmed down quite a bit. When you stop expecting a man to fill the role of God, it's easier to accept his fallibility and just be friends. Things are better now. I can finally think about God. And then I read this book.
The lessons are many, but they are not the focus of this post. Although, I suppose I'm not exactly sure what is. The most important of these lessons is that I can't expect a man to rescue me, fight for me (even if that means fighting me), be trustworthy, and love me unconditionally until I know God does those things. I can't sit here waiting for someone to ride up on a white horse and save me from my own destructive self until I'm willing to believe that God has already done that. I never really believed those men loved me. I never really believed I was worthy. I put on quite the show, but one has to in this world just to get by with a scrap of your heart left in the end. If I "believed" I could trust them fully, and they failed, it was really my fault. It was all in my control. And isn't that the point? The problem with trusting God is that you actually have to give up control when you finally let yourself believe.
Like hell if i'm gonna do that. I want to. Oh how I want to. That will take quite a bit more work.
So see, this isn't some big preachy testimony about how I got saved from myself. I'm struggling. I want to believe God could love me UNCONDITIONALLY. I have to believe it I ever want to believe that a man is a capable of something even close to that. But it's something of a catch 22, because really, if a lowly human won't do it, why would an amazing and all powerful God? But I'll get there. I have faith now. And I will never again let myself make the mistake of forcing man to be God. I owe sincere apologies to all of those wonderful men. I grew to resent them because they didn't fulfill my expectations of my god. I'm not exactly at a point where I'm going to admit fault yet, :) but I recognize that I owe it to them. And now I owe it to myself to at least give God a chance. If I write all this here, I can't pretend I never realized any of this and blow it off. Now I have to chip away at it. Slowly. Maybe it can wait until tomorrow.
Thank you, Linzers, for letting God work through you. I love you :)
10.08.2003
So someone sent me this wonderful link to a study shown on CNN.com. It looks like CNN. But, alas, it's just an NC State website made by some very clever college kids. Damn. And I thought I was doing something healthy in my life.
CNN.com - Study: New study shows that fellatio may reduce the risk of breast cancer.
I really will update soon. For now, I'm recovering from an amazing weekend with the Mandys, working on the upcoming Mandys website (very slowly because my computer and connection suck), going through all of the certifications for my new job, and trying to get my bills in order. I've also got some pretty heavy stuff going on in the way of deep thoughts and such. Actually, that might lead me to distract myself with updating sooner. :) We'll see.
CNN.com - Study: New study shows that fellatio may reduce the risk of breast cancer.
I really will update soon. For now, I'm recovering from an amazing weekend with the Mandys, working on the upcoming Mandys website (very slowly because my computer and connection suck), going through all of the certifications for my new job, and trying to get my bills in order. I've also got some pretty heavy stuff going on in the way of deep thoughts and such. Actually, that might lead me to distract myself with updating sooner. :) We'll see.
10.06.2003
10.04.2003
10.01.2003
Someone also pointed out to me that the vaccination cause is easy to grab at because so many parents feel guilt over their child's disorder. In fact, up until just a decade or so ago, most people still felt that autism was caused by mothers who didn't love their children enough. It was called the cold mother disease or something.
Autism and Vaccinations
A recent article in The New York Times Magazine brought into the light of popular media the controversy over whether or not vaccinations are linked to neurological disorders such as autism. The article presented the director of the Institute for Vaccine Safety at Johns Hopkins University, Dr. Neal Halsey's concerns over the affects of mercury in vaccinations (Allen, Arthur. "The Not-So-Crackpot Autism Theory." The New York Times Magazine. 11-10-2002). For many years, a preservative called Thimerosal has been used in several vaccines and has recently been blamed for symptoms in children that are very similar to those of autism spectrum disorders. A review of the incredibly sparse academic literature on thimerosal's role in autism leads to the need for more information, most of which must be obtained from government-issued press releases and the popular media. An examination of these materials reveals that most government-regulated organizations maintain that there is not enough evidence to show that vaccinations are responsible for causing autism. However, smaller organizations that are focused specifically on autism research offer reason to suggest that the vaccination theory should not be disregarded and that further research is necessary to make any conclusive judgments.
The concern about vaccinations is due to the fact that many of them require the use of a preservative that contains mercury. Thimerosal has been used as a preservative for many vaccines since the 1930s--even before the Food and Drug Administration required the use of preservatives (IVS). Preservatives are needed in immunizations to prevent bacterial or fungal contamination in multiple dose vials. This need was noted specifically in cases like one in Australia in 1928. Twenty-one children were given a vaccine, and eleven of those children died because of an injection of living staphylococci. The FDA mandated the use of preservatives in immunizations in 1968 after several such incidents.
The problem with this requirement is that thimerosal, the most widely used and most safely effective preservative, is 50% mercury by weight. Although the concentration of mercury within thimerosal is just a trace quantity at .01%, it amounts to 25 micrograms in one .5mL dose of a vaccine. This is within the safe levels of mercury designated by the FDA, however children are receiving more vaccines during infancy now than when those designations were made. Also, while many studies have been done on the effects of methylmercury on children's health, little research has been done on ethylmercury, the compound in thimerosal.
Methylmercury is a neurotoxin and has been shown to be responsible for cognitive deficits involving attention, language, motor, and sensory developmental delays. Because of these risks, the Environmental Protection Agency calculated safe levels of methylmercury to be 0.1 micrograms per kilogram of body weight per day. A series of studies of children conducted by Philippe Grandjean in the Faroe and Seychelle islands are still being conducted in order to determine whether or not the safe level needs to be changed. Pregnant women who ate whale meat containing methyl mercury in these studies consumed four times the safe dosage. This resulted in minor neurological deficits in the children of these women when they were tested seven years later.
Because of the lack of data defining the differences in risks between ethyl- and methylmercury, the FDA considers them equivalent when deciding safe levels within food and vaccinations. There are few studies of thimerosal specifically, and those that do exist offer little conclusive evidence. In 1931, Powell and Jamieson issued up to 26 mg/kg (micrograms per kilogram of body weight) to subjects with no reported toxic effects. The reports of mercury poisoning that the FDA was able to find resulted from a range of 3mg/kg to several hundred mg/kg of ethylmercury. The toxic effects in these cases were local necrosis, acute hemolysis, acute renal tubular necrosis, and central nervous system injury resulting in coma or death. An EPA study by Mendola, et. al., showed that high levels of exposure to methylmercury produced mental retardation, cerebral palsy and visual and auditory deficits in children (Mendola P, Selevan SG, Gutter S, Rice D. "Environmental factors associated with a spectrum of neurodevelopmental deficits." Mental Retardation And Developmental Disabilities Research Reviews Vol. 8, No. 3, 2002. 188.). It is important to note that these are not symptoms that closely resemble those of autism spectrum disorders. A 1985 study by Magos compared methylmercury and ethylmercury directly. Magos concluded that ethylmercury was less neurotoxic, although no quantitative comparisons were provided. Additional concerns that infants may not be able to eliminate ethylmercury from their systems as adults do were addressed in studies by the National Vaccine Advisory Committee that showed infants excreted mercury into their stools as well as adults.
The recent concern about thimerosal in vaccines arises from several different factors. The number of vaccinations infants receive in the first two years of life has gone from 8 to up to 20 since the early 1990's (Allen, 2002). Coinciding with the rise in the number of vaccinations is the number of cases of autism. A University of California, Davis study recently confirmed this rise and could offer no explanation as to its cause. From 1987 to 1998, the rate of autism has increased 273 percent, and the UC Davis study showed that it could not be attributed to misclassification or changing diagnostic criteria. Studies including the rest of the world have found that before 1985 the prevalence of autism was 4-6 per 10,000 children. Between 1985 and 1995 studies by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed a prevalence of 11.8 per 10,000 children, and up to 1 in 500 were affected by some form of an autism spectrum disorder. The CDC also notes that during the time the increase in California was measured, other developmental disorders increased less than fifty percent. These factors, combined with a few well-publicized testimonials from parents who noticed their children's autistic symptoms shortly after immunizations, have led to suspicions of a link between vaccinations and autism spectrum disorders (Shattock and Savery, 1997).
These suspicions are certainly not unfounded, but have resulted in no evidence that a causal relationship exists between vaccinations and autism. The known symptoms of mercury poisoning and those of autism, while similar, are certainly not the same. The CDC states the symptoms of autism and other pervasive developmental disorders as follows:
Some symptoms of mercury poisoning, such as developmental delays in language and attention, are similar to those of autism. However, the unusual symptoms that distinguish autism spectrum disorders from other developmental disorders, such as the social and sensory aspects of the disease, are not accounted for by what we know about mercury poisoning.
In fact, the main support for the link between vaccinations and autism seems to be the large number of case studies of children who were diagnosed with autism after receiving vaccinations. Safe Minds, or Sensible Action For Ending Mercury-Induced Neurological Disorders, presents myriad accounts of parents claiming that vaccines are responsible for their children's autism. Most of these case studies are similar to the following one published in NurseWeek and posted at www.safeminds.org:
Although case studies such as this are rather compelling, several things need to be taken into account. First of all, there is no conclusive evidence that thimerosal, ethyl-, or even methylmercury is associated, "scientifically" or in any way other than circumstantially, with autism, ADHD, or many of the other problems these case studies mention. In a 1999 study by F. Edward Yazbak, 25 out 240 women who received the Measles-Mumps-Rubella vaccine postpartum reported problems in their children ranging from autistic symptoms to gastrointestinal problems to future miscarriages.
Also, many of these case studies offer quantitative measures of the mercury both in the vaccines to which the children were exposed and in hair samples. However, they don't offer measures from children who weren't diagnosed with autism after their vaccinations. Given that most children receive the same immunizations, and that the FDA guidelines for safe levels of ethylmercury are based on its supposed equivalency to methylmercury rather than actual knowledge of its effects, these quantities are meaningless.
This works in the other direction as well. A recent study at the University of Rochester Medical Center concluded that the mercury in vaccines is at safe levels. This is reassuring, but does not take into account the fact that the FDA is currently reexamining exactly what those safe levels should be. However, it does provide even more evidence that the mercury from immunizations is eliminated from the blood quickly, even in infants.
There is certainly cause to investigate the effects of thimerosal on children due to knowledge of the effects of methylmercury, growing knowledge of the effects of ethylmercury, and the increased amounts of ethylmercury received by infants in the 1990s. However, there is certainly no conclusive evidence to suggest that vaccines are directly responsible for the increased rates of autism. The Immunization Safety Review Committee at the Institute of Medicine states that although the hypothesis is biologically plausible, the evidence is inadequate and neither proves nor disproves the theory. Even the aforementioned Dr. Halsey himself denied that he believes in that vaccinations cause autism, saying that The New York Times Magazine misrepresented his position.
Regardless of whether or not vaccines cause autism, the questionable levels of safety are enough cause to find ways to preserve vaccines without the use of mercury. The rise in autism cases is certainly cause for more research in this area. For now however, the certain risk of getting a disease that could cause death is more urgent than the unknown risk of developing autism, so getting a child immunized is still most likely the best option for parents.
The concern about vaccinations is due to the fact that many of them require the use of a preservative that contains mercury. Thimerosal has been used as a preservative for many vaccines since the 1930s--even before the Food and Drug Administration required the use of preservatives (IVS). Preservatives are needed in immunizations to prevent bacterial or fungal contamination in multiple dose vials. This need was noted specifically in cases like one in Australia in 1928. Twenty-one children were given a vaccine, and eleven of those children died because of an injection of living staphylococci. The FDA mandated the use of preservatives in immunizations in 1968 after several such incidents.
The problem with this requirement is that thimerosal, the most widely used and most safely effective preservative, is 50% mercury by weight. Although the concentration of mercury within thimerosal is just a trace quantity at .01%, it amounts to 25 micrograms in one .5mL dose of a vaccine. This is within the safe levels of mercury designated by the FDA, however children are receiving more vaccines during infancy now than when those designations were made. Also, while many studies have been done on the effects of methylmercury on children's health, little research has been done on ethylmercury, the compound in thimerosal.
Methylmercury is a neurotoxin and has been shown to be responsible for cognitive deficits involving attention, language, motor, and sensory developmental delays. Because of these risks, the Environmental Protection Agency calculated safe levels of methylmercury to be 0.1 micrograms per kilogram of body weight per day. A series of studies of children conducted by Philippe Grandjean in the Faroe and Seychelle islands are still being conducted in order to determine whether or not the safe level needs to be changed. Pregnant women who ate whale meat containing methyl mercury in these studies consumed four times the safe dosage. This resulted in minor neurological deficits in the children of these women when they were tested seven years later.
Because of the lack of data defining the differences in risks between ethyl- and methylmercury, the FDA considers them equivalent when deciding safe levels within food and vaccinations. There are few studies of thimerosal specifically, and those that do exist offer little conclusive evidence. In 1931, Powell and Jamieson issued up to 26 mg/kg (micrograms per kilogram of body weight) to subjects with no reported toxic effects. The reports of mercury poisoning that the FDA was able to find resulted from a range of 3mg/kg to several hundred mg/kg of ethylmercury. The toxic effects in these cases were local necrosis, acute hemolysis, acute renal tubular necrosis, and central nervous system injury resulting in coma or death. An EPA study by Mendola, et. al., showed that high levels of exposure to methylmercury produced mental retardation, cerebral palsy and visual and auditory deficits in children (Mendola P, Selevan SG, Gutter S, Rice D. "Environmental factors associated with a spectrum of neurodevelopmental deficits." Mental Retardation And Developmental Disabilities Research Reviews Vol. 8, No. 3, 2002. 188.). It is important to note that these are not symptoms that closely resemble those of autism spectrum disorders. A 1985 study by Magos compared methylmercury and ethylmercury directly. Magos concluded that ethylmercury was less neurotoxic, although no quantitative comparisons were provided. Additional concerns that infants may not be able to eliminate ethylmercury from their systems as adults do were addressed in studies by the National Vaccine Advisory Committee that showed infants excreted mercury into their stools as well as adults.
The recent concern about thimerosal in vaccines arises from several different factors. The number of vaccinations infants receive in the first two years of life has gone from 8 to up to 20 since the early 1990's (Allen, 2002). Coinciding with the rise in the number of vaccinations is the number of cases of autism. A University of California, Davis study recently confirmed this rise and could offer no explanation as to its cause. From 1987 to 1998, the rate of autism has increased 273 percent, and the UC Davis study showed that it could not be attributed to misclassification or changing diagnostic criteria. Studies including the rest of the world have found that before 1985 the prevalence of autism was 4-6 per 10,000 children. Between 1985 and 1995 studies by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed a prevalence of 11.8 per 10,000 children, and up to 1 in 500 were affected by some form of an autism spectrum disorder. The CDC also notes that during the time the increase in California was measured, other developmental disorders increased less than fifty percent. These factors, combined with a few well-publicized testimonials from parents who noticed their children's autistic symptoms shortly after immunizations, have led to suspicions of a link between vaccinations and autism spectrum disorders (Shattock and Savery, 1997).
These suspicions are certainly not unfounded, but have resulted in no evidence that a causal relationship exists between vaccinations and autism. The known symptoms of mercury poisoning and those of autism, while similar, are certainly not the same. The CDC states the symptoms of autism and other pervasive developmental disorders as follows:
Social skills: Children with ASDs do not interact with other people the way most children do, or they may not be interested in other people at all. Children with ASDs may not make eye contact and may just want to be alone. They may have trouble understanding other people's feelings or talking about their own feelings. A child with an ASD may not like to be held or cuddled and may not form the usual attachments or bonds to other people.
Speech, language, and communication: About 40% of children with ASDs do not talk at all. Other children have echolalia, which is when they repeat back something that was said to them. The repeated words might be said right away or at a later time. For example, if you ask the child, "Do you want some juice?" the child repeats "Do you want some juice?" instead of answering your question. Or a child may repeat a television ad he heard sometime in the past. Children with ASDs may not understand gestures such as waving goodbye. They may say "I" when they mean "you" or vice versa. Their voices may sound flat and it may seem like they cannot control how loudly or softly they talk. Children with ASDs may stand too close to the people they are talking to, or may stick with one topic of conversation for too long.
Repeated behaviors and routines: Children with ASDs may repeat actions over and over again. Children may want to have routines where things stay the same so they know what to expect. They may have trouble if family routines change. For example, if a child is used to washing his face before he gets into his pajamas, he may become very upset if he is asked to change the order and put on his pajamas first and then wash his face.
Some symptoms of mercury poisoning, such as developmental delays in language and attention, are similar to those of autism. However, the unusual symptoms that distinguish autism spectrum disorders from other developmental disorders, such as the social and sensory aspects of the disease, are not accounted for by what we know about mercury poisoning.
In fact, the main support for the link between vaccinations and autism seems to be the large number of case studies of children who were diagnosed with autism after receiving vaccinations. Safe Minds, or Sensible Action For Ending Mercury-Induced Neurological Disorders, presents myriad accounts of parents claiming that vaccines are responsible for their children's autism. Most of these case studies are similar to the following one published in NurseWeek and posted at www.safeminds.org:
After giving birth to her son, Lyn Redwood, MSN,FNP, of Tyrone, Ga., and her physician-husband tracked his development up to 15 months. After a series of vaccines, the boy started to regress, so Redwood had him tested. The diagnosis: severe developmental delay.
Redwood began to investigate the vaccines that preceded the diagnosis and found that all contained thimerosal, a preservative containing 49.6 percent ethylmercury by weight. By examining her son's records, she found that he had received 237.5 micrograms of ethylmercury in the first 18 months of life.
"I sent a piece of my son's baby hair for mercury testing and it came back with a report stating it contained 4.8 parts of mercury per million," Redwood said. "That's five times the allowable level for mercury. Research studies of children in the Faroe Islands whose mothers were eating mercury-contaminated seafood during pregnancy reported blood levels of 15 to 30 micrograms at birth, resulting in developmental delay. So I started looking at all the diagnostic markers for autism and found all those diagnostic markers to mercury. Looking back at it now, my son's symptoms for mercury poisoning were classic. My husband's a physician and he didn't see it, and I'm a nurse practitioner, but I had never seen a child with mercury poisoning."
Thimerosal - scientifically associated with a number of neurological disorders including autism, attention deficit disorder, speech delays and tics - was originally determined to be dangerous and was recommended to be withdrawn from nonprescription products by FDA experts in 1982, Redwood said.
Although case studies such as this are rather compelling, several things need to be taken into account. First of all, there is no conclusive evidence that thimerosal, ethyl-, or even methylmercury is associated, "scientifically" or in any way other than circumstantially, with autism, ADHD, or many of the other problems these case studies mention. In a 1999 study by F. Edward Yazbak, 25 out 240 women who received the Measles-Mumps-Rubella vaccine postpartum reported problems in their children ranging from autistic symptoms to gastrointestinal problems to future miscarriages.
Also, many of these case studies offer quantitative measures of the mercury both in the vaccines to which the children were exposed and in hair samples. However, they don't offer measures from children who weren't diagnosed with autism after their vaccinations. Given that most children receive the same immunizations, and that the FDA guidelines for safe levels of ethylmercury are based on its supposed equivalency to methylmercury rather than actual knowledge of its effects, these quantities are meaningless.
This works in the other direction as well. A recent study at the University of Rochester Medical Center concluded that the mercury in vaccines is at safe levels. This is reassuring, but does not take into account the fact that the FDA is currently reexamining exactly what those safe levels should be. However, it does provide even more evidence that the mercury from immunizations is eliminated from the blood quickly, even in infants.
There is certainly cause to investigate the effects of thimerosal on children due to knowledge of the effects of methylmercury, growing knowledge of the effects of ethylmercury, and the increased amounts of ethylmercury received by infants in the 1990s. However, there is certainly no conclusive evidence to suggest that vaccines are directly responsible for the increased rates of autism. The Immunization Safety Review Committee at the Institute of Medicine states that although the hypothesis is biologically plausible, the evidence is inadequate and neither proves nor disproves the theory. Even the aforementioned Dr. Halsey himself denied that he believes in that vaccinations cause autism, saying that The New York Times Magazine misrepresented his position.
Regardless of whether or not vaccines cause autism, the questionable levels of safety are enough cause to find ways to preserve vaccines without the use of mercury. The rise in autism cases is certainly cause for more research in this area. For now however, the certain risk of getting a disease that could cause death is more urgent than the unknown risk of developing autism, so getting a child immunized is still most likely the best option for parents.
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