"Their love is deeper than desire, than affection, than respect, so deep that its wellspring is humor. Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other."
~Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy

Not so happy camper

I have to find a new job. I'm very frustrated. Help.

What it's all about:

http://springfield.news-leader.com/news/today/20050225-Aninvestmentinh.html

Although, I may not have this job in a month, blah.

First thing this morning I got questioned by another staff member as to why I took the call from the paper. I replied, "because they asked for me". She thinks I should have let the call go to the ED, but the ED wasn't here, and I didn't say anything less than what she would have said. In fact, I said quite a bit more about the organization that I know the ED would have wanted in there, but the reporter didn't print it. That certainly isn't my fault. BLAH

Screenname: How have you been?
MandyAss: eh
MandyAss: i just got told today that my job may not exist in a month
MandyAss: and my boyfriend is pulling away
MandyAss: and life is pretty much hell right this second
Screenname: You've always pulled through every obstacle life has thrown you.
MandyAss: i know...you're right
MandyAss: but when the fuck is it going to stop being so hard

When you spiral down into an emotional pit, it's difficult to see the other side of things. Even when it only lasts a few days, it feels like things will at the best be numb for awhile. I felt like there was no resolution and I just had to wait it all out to let the emotions blow over. Who would have thought that one well spoken statement could change it all. Everything looks brighter, the pressure has lifted away from my chest a bit, and my eyes sure as hell don't hurt as much. It's amazing what a little communication--real communication--can do.

Today is Friday and it's sunny outside. It's a great day.

Happy Camper Frustrations

It’s already been a rough day. My boss called me in to ask me about my time sheet that I turned into her for payroll. She told me that we have to have discussions about events that I attend because I shouldn’t be getting paid for them. My understanding is that she was speaking for the board and not herself, but she told me that salaried employees were “volunteering” their time, so I should be, too. I pointed out that salaried employees get to leave for doctor appointments or car check ups or what not without taking a dock in their pay, so they make up for it by working after hours events occasionally and it all evens out. I, however, don’t get to leave, or be five minutes late, without taking a dock in my pay because my paycheck is based on what’s recorded on paper. Therefore, when I have to work events and such it is extra time, not part of a balance like it is with the salaried employees. I pointed out to her that when she and the program services manager were sick and stayed home from work, they didn’t take a dock in their pay, but I didn’t get paid at all for those hours I was gone. She said that salaried employees accrue sick time. I told her that I accrue sick time, too, but NONE of us get to take it until we’ve been here six months. They’ve both already taken some. She told me that the board discussion was simply that we had to talk about events and determine whether they would be volunteer events for me. I told her very frankly that I would not do them if they were volunteer events. She told me I didn’t need to get that way with her. I calmed a bit and said that it wasn’t about her, I was frustrated with the board, and that with the way they have been treating us lately I will not be doing volunteer work. I will gladly volunteer as a wishgranter, but I will not volunteer time that I’ve been getting paid for and that I should have as my sole job anyway. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but that I was very frustrated with the board. She told me that it wasn’t my job to worry about the board, she was doing that. Except that it’s everything about my life that it’s affecting. Anyway, I went back in a few minutes later and just apologized for getting defensive. She told me it was no problem, she didn’t blame me, and then we moved on to happier conversations and looking at pics of her husbands trip to Korea where he is right now.

I feel like everything I do is being examined under a microscope. I was not hired because of my office administration skills. I was hired because of my experience in event planning. But I don’t feel that I’m ever going to move to that position now. The former ED told me she hired me to get my foot in the door so that when the board realized we needed another staff I could be the development person. I understand some ideas have changed now, but I could still focus on event coordination. Really, what’s happening is that my foot’s in the door and I’m gonna get stuck on this wrung making no money in a job where the board is constantly showing us little appreciation and everything we do is questioned. I just feel particularly bad about this situation today and am not sure what to do to make it better. It almost all feels like a lost cause. I used to think this was a great job where I could really shine and learn and become something that could really help the organization. Now I just feel like I’m here to work and get paid and it doesn’t matter if I make a difference because nobody really gives a rip. I put my heart into this and that’s what it really takes to make a non-profit work, but I feel like I’m being constantly pushed towards simply protecting myself, and if that’s the case, why am I not working in the corporate world making 40k for a hell of a lot less than I’m doing here?

I’m feeling very disheartened and I don’t know how to fix it. *sigh*

I told him that he'd better go
'Cause I was crazy and impossible,
That my love was broken,
my dreams had run off wild.

Part of my job should NOT be protecting my company's from people trying to exploit us. There are so many small businesses out there, especially people who run their own start ups, that try to take advantage of the logo. They're trying to get us to do free publicity for them in exchange for a 10% donation. Seriously...when they only reason you're donating to us is to get something from us, the donation should be a little larger than that. Argh.