I'm in one of those moods that nobody really understands. It's making it difficult to do anything, much less make decisions about fun or productive things I could do with my evening.
This morning I was faced with the fact that my employer doesn't realize just how much I bring to my position. Most likely, I haven't shown her; and that, of course, is entirely my fault. I was a little stressed out over it, knowing that I would have to prove myself, but it wasn't a huge deal. Somehow, though, it grew as it festered in my mind today.
I loved my job at Happy Camper. I worked tons of overtime and still barely made it financially. I gained 40 pounds because of the stress and the laziness of sitting at a desk all day. I had no social life. But I loved it enough to consider sticking around.
Then I found out what my employers thought I was worth--or better, wasn't worth. It hurt like hell to have something I put so much of my heart into be devalued like that. I'm terrified of that happening again.
Spending the few days surrounding New Year's with Pete really brought out how happy I am. I've never been this happy for this long. I have a great job that pays enough for me to be financially responsible. I have an amazing boyfriend and (for the first time ever) no questions about when it's going to end. I'm closer to my family than I've ever been and they all seem to be getting along. I have great close friends who show me how much I mean to them. I'm even making friends here. This is absolutely incredible.
And that scares the bejeezus out of me.
My life doesn't go well. This doesn't happen. Parts of it go well while everything is falling to shit (sometimes--other times it just all falls to shit at once). Occasionally it looks like something might go well and then it blows up in my face, too. This happy/calm/stable thing just doesn't fit.
Tonight I had planned to stay home and clean and what not, but this evening I knew I needed to spend it with my boyfriend. At the same time, though, I was in a rotten mood and didn't really want to expose him to it. I wasn't quite sure, so I sent him a text telling him I'd like to hang out. When he wrote back that it wouldn't be bad for us to do our own thing tonight, I swear I got teary. It didn't have anything to do with him, just with the day and the fears and the big scary world out there or something. I let him know that I was in a weird mood and would like to spend some time with him, but I wasn't sure how fun I'd be. Being the great guy he is, he assured me that my mood wouldn't last for long once I was with him. He's right, and I knew that, so I hesitated again. Maybe I want to wallow in my misery. Maybe I just want to sit on my couch and watch something dumb that makes me cry and feel sorry for myself before waking up and realizing how great my life is and how fucked up I am for not shouting with joy instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
Ultimately, the cute little kiddos I watch cheered me up enough at dinner to realize that I need to be out having fun and taking advantage of however long I've got left on this crazy happy streak. So off I am to see the best man I know. He'll make it better for awhile.
Listening for the thud.
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